Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have lost hope & will consider suicide if things don’t improve

Chess pawn

"I've been used as a pawn..."

I would like all my muslim brothers and sisters to pray for me. I have been married for 10 years and have no children. This is not unusual you may say as lots of couples dont have children after such a long time but my case is different.

I am married within the family. It was my father's desire that i marry his cousin and despite objections from my mother that it was not a suitable match and she foresaw problems in the future as the family is very old fashioned and stubborn my father secretely gave his word to his aunt by sending us to the UK while he himself remained in Pakistan where they arranged the match so that we couldnt object.

When he came to the UK my mother raised the issue but my father said that he had given his word and couldn't go back as a Muslim's word is his imaan. I couldn't object as my father has a forceful personality and i felt intimidated by him.

Despite this i went into the marrage hoping for the best but on my wedding night my husband told me that they only married me so that i wouldn't get married in my mothers family as they had heard that someone from my mother's side was asking for my hand and my father was in on this. He also told me that he didnt want children because children make people selfish and caused families to break up. He gave me the example of his uncle whose 20 year marriage had broken up because his wife wanted her son to marry her neice and her husband wouldn't let her and they went through a messy divorce.

We live in an extended family with his mother. Two brothers and their families. My husband is the youngest and it is my mother in law's desire that her sons remain together although we are cooped up like chickens. At the time i went into shock as a newly wedded bride i hadnt expected to hear that i had been made a pawn in family politics and that i was to remain childless.

Forever i secretely hoped over time he would change his mind. I told my parents this and my father told me not to break up the marriage as he has no other family apart from these cousins and since one of my aunts got divorced (she was also married in the family) just before my marriage it would reflect badly on my brother and sister.

My mother in law gave me hell as she thought i couldnt have children and i didnt dare tell her the truth as i thought that my husband would turn against me and i would have no where to go if my mother in law realised i had no worth.

I begged my husband to tell his mother the truth or at least make up an excuse why we couldn't have children so that she would lay off me as she took every opportunity to humiliate me as it would be better coming from him because if i told the truth my mother in law would think that i was making it up as the other two sisters in law have children.

But not once did he stand up for me. Instead he played happy families taking his neices to school, mosque etc and sorting out paper work to do with his family affairs and basically left me to adjust to new circumstances on my own which i found hard being in a new town.

As a result i became severley depressed as he wouldn't allow me to work either as his sisters in law didn't work so i had no where to focus my energy on and stayed at home the majority of the time. The situation at home deteriorated despite me not having children as my sisters in law wanted separate homes and the husbands wouldn't allow them.

My mother in law died a couple of years ago as a result of stress but i still have not recovered, my husband is the same and the family situation is the same also. My sisters in law are also depressed because of the situation but i feel i have bourne the brunt of it all and cant seem to recover.

My illness is destroying my relationship with them as i am severely depressed and cant seem to shake it off despite going to the doctors. I am 36 years old with a bleak future ahead of me i have no job, few qualifications so cant get a job even if i wanted one and no children to fall back on.

I have prayed to Allah since the beginning to improve my situation to no avail. I feel angry with him for robbing me of my life. I feel like i have been punished for other people's mistakes. I feel angry with my parents for putting family before their child and putting their defenceless child in this situation and hate it when i go around their home.

I would like you all to pray sincerely for me with all your hearts maybe there is a pious one among you whose prayer Allah will answer in this sisters favour.

I have lost all hope and if things dont improve soon i am seriously contemplating suicide.

- muneeba

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12 Responses »

  1. Assalam O Alaikum sister Muneeba

    I am so hurt to hear your story and couldn't hold my tears as I have seen many women suffering in the hands of their husbands and in-laws after marriage. What shocks me most is that parents care more about their relatives than they care about their children without realizing that they will be answerable to Allah Almighty for what they are doing. I don't know why most men don't understand that what they are doing to their wife could happen to their sisters, daughters or any other women who they really care for Ah!. Sister, I don't have words to tell you that how great you are as you lived with that person for 10 precious years of your life with a lie which he told you on your first night. I must tell you that sister he has committed a great sin by not letting you have kids when you wanted them (it's natural, what kind of marriage that would be if their are not children). If there were any medical issues then that would have been different but this simply in-acceptable.
    Sister, I am not a Momin Muslim and have committed some very big sins but I will pray for you now as I am writing this reply just before offering my Tahajid prayer. Sister, I only request you that pls pls don't do anything wrong to yourself no matter what you are going through especially don't commit suicide, just think you are not the only one. Besides, this life is a test sister and this human body is Ammanh of Allah Almighty and we will be answerable to Allah Almighty for whatever we do with it. I can write down the life story of my own mother's sufferings in the hand of my father but I am afraid that won't help you and also it will be too long to read. So, don't lose hope in Allah Almighty, He sure is listening to your prayers and watching all the sufferings you are going through.
    I can't write more at this time as tears are floating in my eyes and I am struggling to contain myself.
    May Allah help you and other sisters going through same problems in their relationships and give all of you sisters strength, strong imaan and ease off your sufferings. (Amin)

  2. Assalamu Alaikum sister,
    As I deeply feel for your situation like Mk I will not sit back and ask you to do nothing. Instead I advise you to go to your local masjid and speak to the Imam. Shed light on this whole subject and tell him how you feel hopeless. Ask him to be a mediator between you and the family. He will accept without hesitation, I gaurantee it. Imams are well aware of the injustices that happen between families especially when marrying inside the family. In the meantime sister, beg Allah for an opening. Ibn Taymiyyah wrote a fantastic book about the du'a of the distressed, and the best supplication to make. That being the du'a that Prophet Yunus(as) made while he was trapped in the belly of the whale. He made this simple supplication and Allah azza wa jal released him from his distress immediately. The supplication is as follows: La Ilaha illa Anta, Subhanaka inni kunto mina dhalimeen" Rough translation means: "There is no diety worthy of worship except you(Allah),Glory be to you, Verily I am one of the wrong doers(Against myself)". I ask Allah to relieve you from your emotional prison.ameen. W.salaam

  3. Salamualaikum wr wb.

    Inna Lillahi wa inna iaihi Rajiun!

    I just dont have this for real??!! la hawla walaqu wata illa billah!
    Dearest sister while im not at all in a position to tell someone like you who has suffered like this but know that AllahSWT is with the patient ones and He is All Hearer All Knower!
    O you who believe, seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient ones (2:153)

    I doubt your husband has any clue about the purpose of marriage!! if it's possible you have to find out someone like an imaam or anyone to whom he'll listen...

    maybe you should write a letter to him so that he'll take time to think and not argue which is more likely if you'll speak to him directly...tell him that one of THE purpose of marriage is procreation..

    Yusuf al-Qaradawi, a 21st century Sunni Islamic scholar states:
    “The preservation of the human species is unquestionably the primary objective of marriage, and such preservation of the species requires continued reproduction"

    Prophet SAW said "Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on Qiyama." Ahmad, Abu Daud and others and it is sahih.

    If your husband is having psychological impact from what he saw or heard about his uncle's family, try to show him some other positive examples around...
    he has generalized the situation of his uncle...

    i dont know what to say dear sister...inshAllah we can pray to AllahSWT and hope He'll forgive our sins and make a way out...

    this is a reminder for myself before it is for you or anyone else..DONT DESPAIR OF ALLAH'S MERCY!
    Allah says in the Quran: “He (Abraham) said: "And who despairs of the mercy of his Lord, but such as go astray?" and "O my sons! go you and inquire about Yusuf and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."

    plz check out this amazing article on this website:

    may AllahSWT keep you strong and bless you abundantly in this world and akhira!

  4. Bismihi Ta’ala

    As Salaam mu alaikum WA rahmatulla

    My Dear sister

    As the previous writers have written and I share the same sadness they feel reading your problem
    1st of all it is totally wrong that you were forced to merry your cousin and many a time I have come across people saying that my parents want me to marry a family person and that is even if the person is not happy so where in Islam have we be thought this many a time we mix our religion with our culture and then we use Islam to justify it like in your case your father said that he had given his word and couldn't go back as a Muslim's word is his imaan. So don’t we know that Islam also teachers us to consult with one another before making a decision and giving our word???

    With regard to your husband saying that having children would make a person selfish so if that is the case then why did Allah make it such that woman fall pregnant with the help of her husband and then a beautiful child is born maybe we should ask the question who really is the selfish and we all know the answer to that .Children bring blessing, happiness, joy etc…. to a married couples life

    Sister you also mention that you have made dua from the beginning and that you feel angry with Allah for robbing you of your life

    So we should ask ourselves a question as to why our dua is not being accepted are we doing some wrong as in disobeying Allah etc…… and take stock of yourself and when making dua Allah sometimes grants you what you asked for some time Allah does not give you what you asked but removes some calamity that was going to befall you and some time Allah will repay you in the hereafter

    And with dua comes effort

    like a person makes dua the entire month and asks Allah for money but he does not make any effort in acquiring money he does not work etc………….now do you think at the end of the month if he goes and checks his account will there be a increase I don’t think so

    So with dua comes the effort

    Now what I feel you should do is speak to your husband 1st and explain to him the problem see what kind of compromise you can reach after a few weeks if nothing has changed go back to him and tell him that you are now going to seek professional help as you can no longer live the way you are living and it’s because you love him and want to be with him that is the only reason you doing all of this and when finding help look for a person that has a track record of sorting out this kind of problems

    May Allah grant you the best out of this situation?

    Ws salaam mu alaikum

  5. Assalaamu alaikum sister. Im really sorry to hear what you are going through. First and foremost, I pray that Allah helps you with the trouble you are experiencing, and gives you patience. Secondly sister, under no circumstances consider suicide! Remove this thought from your head, no matter how you feel! I can't begin to imagine your pain, but suicide will bring you eternal pain, it will effectively be a 'ticket to jahannam.' So please sister remember the consequences and remember that we will face our Lord. Remember that this dunya is short. Any pain and suffering you are experiencing will remove some of sins.

    Jabir ibn Abdullah reported that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) happened to walk through the market place. Some people were gathered on either side of him. There he came across a dead goat with very short ears(a deformity), of which he took hold saying,"who among you would like to have this for a dirham?" They said," we would not even like to have it for nothing, for it is of no use to us." He(SAW) said,"Would you like to have it for free?" They said," By Allah, not even if it were alive, because its ears are so short; and now it is also dead." Thereupon the Messenger of Allah(SAW) said," By Allah, this world is more insignificant in the sight of Allah than this is in your eyes."-muslim,kitab az zuhud,18/93

    Im also sorry about what youre parents did, as their child I understand you felt vulnerable, but by doing what they did (your father) they failed in your duty of protecting you, and looking for the best spouse for you. Marrying you off just to prevent you from marrying someone else is a sin! Its understandable you feel angry with them for your pain, they are responsible, but sister harboring this resentment is not going to hurt them.. its going to hurt you, it may be one reason you are having difficulty recovering. Know that Allah swt is watching. And know that those who are wronged, will be rewarded on Yawmul Qiyamah. (The one who wrongs will owe the one they wronged.) So try to let go of these angry feelings slowly, and leave it to the court of the hereafter.

    I suggest that you keep yourself as busy at home as you can. Read islamic books, (I have been on online islamic/arabic courses, I dont know how possible these are for you.) InshaAllah learning in whatever way you can will help you.
    Try to build your relationship with Allah swt, the prophet SAW made tawbah 70x a day, so make Tawbah, and make dua. Try to be patient. Allah has given you this test for a reason, and remember Allah is with the Saabireen. If you are patient, it may be your 'ticket to Jannat' InshaAllah. There is a book called 'You can be the Happiest Woman in the World' by Dr A'id al-Qarni, which I recommend if you can get hold of it. Learn Allah swt Names.
    Repeat la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah :There is no power or strength except with Allah.

    If you make dua sincerely and continously, and build your relationship with Allah swt, He will InshaAllah either find you a way out or give you the strength to cope.

    I dont know what to advise with respect to your husband. Try writing a letter as suggested, make a good attempt to make your marriage work. If this fails, you may consider divorce.

    You may be suffering from clinical depression as well, so it may be good to revisit your doctor if you can/ try to see a different doctor. Counselling may also help, but I hope it is a comfort to you for you to know that you are not alone. Allah swt is with you, and no matter what you go through He understands, He is always there night and day, and as long as you stay on the straight path, He (swt) will reward you. When I feel sad, this helps me. Dont let this eat you up sister, I will InshaAllah pray for you.

    May Allah help you, and all those Muslims whoare suffering/have been wronged/experiencing depression.

  6. waleikum assalaam waragmatoelah hibrakatoe,

    dear sister as a brother, I dont know much to say and neither can I even stand for 1 second in you womans shoes.

    But I sincerely want to add, please not only for your own sake, but also for myn ? Dont do Suicide, Because If you think nobody cares, well your wrong, If you see these posts up here ?? AL THESE PEOPLE CARE, including me even though I dont know you.

    you are a sister in islam and as brothers and sisters we support each other and take care.

    InshAllah will my DUA be granted, I got a tip you can try. when you call upon ALLAH to make your dua, before you make your dua, Try to call him with (all the names possible you have memorized, A GREAT SITE where I learned a few is ) and then ask your dua, many times when i did this, MY DUA WAS IMMEDIATELY GRANTED. Alhamdulilah, Alhamdulilah and Alhamdulilah.

    About your husband situation, I dont know what too say, from a Mans point of view, sister if you love him, try too make it work, by doing what the brothers/sisters have mentioned above here, if you dont love him anymore and just was patient, just get as far away as possible from anyone who is trying to hurt you physically and mentally.

    I know about Respect and that stuf,, but sometimes you gotta put a border and ALSO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!

    I know parents are important, but THERE IS A LIMIT. as there is TO EVERYTHING ELSE !

    so please, take care of yourself, stop hurting yourself, because thats exacly whats the shaitaan wants for you to despair, BUT NEVER EVER despair to the mercy of Allah soebhaan Wataa'Aalah.

    He has heard you and he knows everything. Dont worry InshAllah everything will be alright.

    And your life is not over, its just beginning.

    Tomorrow is never promised so make every day a best day.

    Patience is a good thing to have, but only have patience for those cases which are worth it.

    this is one, where you clearly have your answer, and you are unhappy, so turn the tables around and make a change.

    and personally if you need any help, there are more then enough brothers and sisters willing to help you, if you dont believe me, Just Step 1 foot in the mosque and say who In the name of Allah wishes to help me with my problem ? sounds crazy doesnt it, still brothers and sisters with TRUE IMAAN are there for you, InshAllah.

    SIster my dua is with you, InshAllah may your hearts happiness be fullfilled. and try to do what the other posts above here described.

    I hope you had any help from my post as a point of view from a man/brother.


  7. Hi,

    You dont have to put up with such a marriage which defies the very principles Islamic marriage is supposed to stand on- need for progeny. However, on the flip side, even if you did have children with such an un-understanding man, my question is, would it have been better for you as an individual. I dont think so, and I guess Allah has his own reasons for doing stuff in our lives. Maybe its a blessing in disguise because if you had children it would have been even more difficult for you to carry on- trust me.
    My advise is this. You will have to be very strong for this. I am assuming you have UK citizenship or atleast a resident's visa. And you seem educated too. Get rid of this nuisance, file for divorce, get a job and settle down on your own. In time, InshAllah you will find your mate whether in UK or Pakistan. You cant give another 10 years to this man, nor does Allah demand that you do, because he has transgressed the very requirement of marriage as explained by Islam.

    Take care, and May Allah grant you perpetual bliss 🙂

  8. As salam alaykum dear Muneeba,

    I hope from all my Heart that you are better. It has been a rough time you have gone through, going against our most inner desires brings what you have developed, but you are on time to get your life back. You have been an spectator of your own life, now you can choose to be the protagonist and you are needed as the principal of your own life, you are the best that has happened to you, and, bit by bit, you will recover your whole being, there is so many people that cares about you, me included, you are important in our lifes, you make a difference in our life.

    Your anger means you want to go over it, that is good, you have asked for help, that is good too, Alhamdulillah, you are young and full of life, go a step further and gives Him the opportunity to be listened, because He has listened to your Heart, Alhamdulillah, then you will see how everything turns different in your life, insha´Allah. Today, I ´ve been reading many times in different places.......pronounce Allah(swt)´s Names, and has been catching my eye, Alhamdulillah, who advice this, talk from their Hearts and they had been guided to do it, for you, for me, for the one that needs it, ...He has put in your Heart the need to ask for help, the need of guidance, the need of welcoming the Light,... Alhamdulillah.

    Please, open yourself to Allah´s(swt) Love, Compasion and Forgiveness. Ask for Forgiveness for you and the others, that will help to heal your anger and will ease your way to unconditional Love and Respect, welcome the Light in your Heart, Alhamdulillah.

    Remember to eat healthy food, walk, breath consciously, pray and mantain as much as you can Allah(swt) in your thought, everything will turn different after a while, insha´Allah.

    Thank you for sharing. Barak Allah feekum.

    All my unconditional Love and Respect,


  9. Yes this is the reality of most south asian specially Pakistani marriages, children are commodities through which parents fulfill their own needs, I have been used as a pawn as well, fortunately I have realized this in 3 months rather than 10 years. It is never too late. You must introspect and realize that not only your inlaws manipulated you but also your own parents, you must get over your emotional need for them and realize that they have wronged you and cheated you out of your life for their own benefit.

    You need two things :

    1) Emotional Strength. Enough to overcome your need for approval for them and emotionally disconnect from them, if you try to separate yourself from them out of spite or anger it will never work.

    2) Money. You need a job, a respectful one, do you have a professional degree? any work experience? I suggest you start a serious hunt for a job outside the city, you will need money to go away, gather it and don't tell anyone about your plans. When you are ready simply leave and don't look back.

    I am very sorry for your situation, without the above you will never get your life back, I am giving you realistic advice please don't take it the wrong way. If the above is not possible then you should consider making the best of the situation as you don't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

    You have only one life, don't live it for others.

  10. salaam,

    i am going through a very difficult situation, like you except you have
    picked up the courage to tell and i still havnt got that courage. i guess you could
    say with the faith of allah i chose to take a step away and
    i am now going through a divorce. Us muslims should not
    allow anyone to mentally torture us, we should take a stand
    and protect ourselves as this life is a blessing and we have to
    prove our faith. All these issues, that you, me and many others
    are unexpectedly dealing with, these are all TESTS! and we
    should not fail. I have also been diagnosed with 'serious depression'
    and been told to go on anti depressant etc but i will not as
    ALLAH (swt) is all us true believers need. Whether you read
    all your prayers or not, if you read from your heart you will feel
    at peace, vent out to Allah! Ask allah speak to Allah. And when you
    feel extremely low just remember, there are many other who are in a
    more difficult situation. For instance, those children who have lost their
    families and are bow alone in this world or those girls who behind closed
    doprs are being raped by their own father. etc
    Not nice things to think about but. when you keep them in mind
    you will realise you should i fact be thankful to allah. we should all be greatfful
    regardless of whatever situation we are in. I know easier said than done, but allah
    is the all knowing and everything happens with the will of allah.
    I am happy to read all the above support that all us muslims are uniting and praying for one another
    it really has enlightned my heart. alhumdullilah.

    my advise to you, would be focus on islam, focus on your love
    and faith to Allah, do zikhr, keep fasts on mondays amd thursays or
    the 13,15,15th of every month. read tahuduj, learn surahs and
    the interpretation of the quran. visit islamic talks amd classes. join a
    charity group amd try and raise for those less fortunate, it will also allow
    you to meet and interact with others. perhaps excercise and concentrate on
    your health, pick a subject that interests you and study it gaining knowledge is
    a hood change of focus. As for a job, even if it meand not alot of pay, it is good
    for you to ve out and meeting new people so i would recomend that too. Also,
    watch youtube videos and learn more about islam through there it helps alot.

    You are not alone, and remember this is a test and allah only tests us
    as to the amount we can bare. so DO NOT even think about suicide i will not
    either and concentrate how to further strenthen our emaan.

    I apologise if any of the above has came accross as offensive.

    • Alisha: All these issues, that you, me and many others are unexpectedly dealing with, these are all TESTS! and we should not fail. I have also been diagnosed with 'serious depression' and been told to go on anti depressant etc......... And when you feel extremely low just remember, there are many other who are in a more difficult situation. For instance, those children who have lost their families and are bow alone in this world or those girls who behind closed doprs are being raped by their own father. etc

      You need to divorce your husband from your mind also by not thinking about how he destroyed your life. You have to start thinking about what you are going to make your life better. It seems like you have lived your life without any love while growing up.

      See yourself as a director creating a movie in your head. You need to have a different script. Stop creating horror/depressing movie in your head every day. Start by writing down how will you like your future life.

  11. OMG. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Extremely devastated and heart-broken upon reading your post, but then I am reminded of "With every hardship there is ease. With every hardship there is ease," verses from the Quran.

    Please sister update us on how you are doing? We are all so worried about you. May Allah reward you for your calamity and grant you something unimaginably better.

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