Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have no help from anyone

Our Marriage Has Begun with intimacy problems


I was 26 and very eager to get married but my grandparents were finding it very difficult to find me a suitable match.

It wasn't because i had any kind of medical problems or that i was fat or any kind of problems myself. The problem was that i did not live with my mum and dad.

I would get potential grooms coming forward but once they would come to the house and have a discussion with my Nana and Nani and hear that my parents divorced straight after i was born and since then my mother has been married a few times and has no contact with either me or her own parents since 1998 and then a similar story with my dad, he has had no contact with me for years and has never had an active part in my life; they get put off and walk away.

My grandparents were getting frustrated and wanted me to our home country and get me married but i refused, as i wanted a man from this country someone who i could relate too, they were quite understanding and also at the same time they put a lot of pressure on me.

One day a friend of mine recommended her friends brother as a potential, he was 10 years older then me, had a big family (which i always wanted) a decent job so i got the ball rolling, asked her to get a wedding cv with photo. I showed my family and we took it to next step and invited the grooms family around. Both family got on very well, so well that the grooms family ended up sitting for more then three hours and we didn't mind either. There wasn't instant attraction for me but he came across very friendly and there was something kind about him. I was pressured by my family to say YES so we can get things moving very quick as they saw that we were well sorted. My family did not do any background check or anything, they were great full that someone accepted me after knowing my family history.

Five months after out first meeting we got married, in between we had our engagement and the date was set for April 2011, we were both very hands on with the wedding preparations and soon so we were please with date.

But straight after the engagement we started having differences/arguments so much so i tried to call it off, when i explained to my family how we argue they told me that if i don't get married to him then they will disown me.

So i made an arrangement with him that we will have minimal contact and that we will not see each other until the wedding just so it will be more special and in this way i would be helping myself as well, but even with minimal contact we still had a lot of arguments, he put it down to wedding stress and financial worry which made sense.

It was April and we got married and the problems started within days. We were arguing over silly things and each time he made me feel like it was my fault so i would apologize. It was also a week into our marriage and we still had not had intercourse not because i did not want to but because each night we kept on trying to have intercourse but he would either ejaculate to quick or he would lose his erection and we would end up spending hours just trying. By the second week i was convinced that the only reason we were arguing is because i was not satisfying my husband and he was being so patient with me. I decided that i have to try harder and not get emotional so i spoke to him about it, he explained that its hard because i am a virgin and for us to try different positions so we did but nothing, this went on for about 6 weeks and so did the horrible arguments and he also started distancing himself from me, he would be at work all day and then 4 days a week in the evening and Sunday he would be at football but even in the small amount of time we would have together we would argue. Around the seventh week i focused on intercourse, Mornings, evenings and nights i would send him txt messages while he was at work and pictures so it would entice him to come home and come to me and for about 3 days it helped, i think we finally did it i said to him as i was in a lot of pain and i bled but we had to stop as he was going to ejaculate and he wasn't wearing a condom but i was happy with our progress. We constantly tried for 3 days and when we successful(after engaging in the activity for a while) each time i bled and at points we had to stop because it was to painful for me or he would lose his erection while having intercourse or ejaculate to quick.

We went to honeymoon in July and it was worse when we went away, at first i did not want to go and suggested we wait for after ramadan as we were having a lot of problems and both his family and mine had already sat us down together to discuss our issues.The honeymoon was a disaster and we were even further away from each when we got back. Weeks went by and he did not approach me, it was now ramamdan and after Terawi when he came home i approached him and we were unsuccessful, did not matter what i was doing but i could not get him erected, he then got frustrated and accused me of "dying for sex" and left me crying and went downstairs.

A few days later i tried to speak to him but he blamed me for everything and said he doesn't like coming next to me because i argue with him all the time and that he doesn't like me. Taking everything in i was very confused and started thinking maybe there was something wrong with like black magic so i wanted to see a Shike, we went a Rukiya was performed and he advised that i had no Jin or black magic with me. But our problems got worse, I was very stressed and i was ready to leave him, i confided in my eldest Aunt who i was always close to and she told me to go back to my grandparents house and see if could make things work living separately, Nothing changed but got worse, his family got very involved and accused me of all sorts, his mum said i could not bare children nut i explained that we did not have proper intercourse as i went to the Doctor and i was told that i was bleeding because my Hyman had not broken. He accused me of being possessed and when that did not work he said i was depressed and the last thing he said was that he thinks i have been molested.

I explained to my Aunt his problem and she brought it up with the family but in a subtle way but they did not accept it and he refused to go to the Doctors regarding it. I explained to both families that i cannot be with this man anymore as he has hurt me in so many ways and i want a divorce but he always said that he loves me and wants me but a year later i have had no contact with him since around the 4/01/11 and  am still married to him. My family stopped supporting me and i am on my own with this.

I do not want to stay married to this man any longer and i have gone to the sharia council who are not very helpful and i am stuck, i just want to know if i have a valid reason for a Khulla and if anyone can direct me to someone or somewhere where i will find help.


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It sounds to me like there are two parts to your problem: your inability to have intercourse because of an unbroken hymen (perhaps it's too thick to break) or vaginismus (where your vaginal walls tighten involuntarily so much that penetration becomes impossible or very difficult/painful); and his premature ejaculation/inability to attain or maintain an erection issues. A couple having one of these problems would make their sex life go down to nonexistent- so both individuals having sexual dysfunction creates an almost unresolveable situation.

    If I'm understanding you correctly, you believe that divorcing will somehow solve the problem because the issues have created a lot of tension and arguments between you both. The way I see it, that won't really solve anything. Yes, you will no longer be fighting or feel stressed about the idea of lovemaking; but in truth both of you will be walking away with the same basic issues that contributed to those outcomes. You will still have problems receiving a man, and he will still have problems performing sexually. Nothing truly got solved with the divorce when it comes to those areas.

    The assumption is that one or both of you would eventually want to remarry if you do divorce, so you have to think of the bigger picture here. You have to work on the root causes of the problems, which is basically the sexual dysfunction you each have individually. If you divorce and go on with life without having sought treatment for it, then you will wind up right back in this situation when you get involved with someone else.

    I suggest both of you try to reconcile whatever is left of the relationship. You said he was not willing to see a doctor before, but perhaps he's changed his mind in the year that's passed. Even if he doesn't, you will still need to seek medical and psychological treatment for whatever is going on with your body. I personally feel that divorce should be the option considered only when all other options have been exhausted, and it doesn't sound like you've exhausted them just yet.

    If it's not possible to reconcile in the end, and you do get divorced, please follow my advice above about getting treatment. Doing so is the only way to ensure you will have a better experience in your next marriage, in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Salaam

    I agree with the above comment made by Amy

    if you are able to talk to him sit him down and explain to him that the issue here is that you both have problems the only way to deal with them is to work together support each other go to see a doctor who will look into it and either treat it or refer you to a specialist who will help and then go for some counselling through your GP to help build Both of your confidences and if he is unwilling to go with you you still need to go and get your problems sorted and once you have got your issues sorted maybe that will give him the confidence to sort his

    but sister I commend you on how strong you have been so far and Allah will reward you but don't give up yet

    my prays are with you and hope you are able to stay strong and sort your problems

    Allah Hafiz

  3. You can Contact to Qari Abu Tayyab, He can give you sharia advice and Khulla process also,,
    He is london based,

    do let me know via email. i will forward you his contact details.


    • We do not allow the exchange of private contact information, but if this Qari Abu Tayyab has a website, FB page or postal address, you can list it here.

      Wael Editor

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