Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have no love for my abusive husband

abuse violent physical beat

Salam, I'm in need of advice - I don't know what to do. 8 months ago a young man came to ask for my hand in marriage. At first I wasn't sure. I eventually gave it a go as I thought marriage is the right thing to do in Islam and he came in the right manner.

As we got to know each other I started to develop deep feelings for him as he was so nice n charming well mannered n romantic. We went so well so a month later we got the sheikh to do the kk. And we to get married in 2 months time. He didn't have money so we didn't mind. He borrowed money to furnished the house. N we did a little celebration with just a little women's get together. N we got married.

First month of marriage was wonderful. Then he started this anger came out of him - very jealous man told me no makeup n to cover with my dressing. So I did to obey my husband n his wishes. Told me not to have friends, only my family. Didn't let me go out anywhere, only with family. Always at home alone while he was at work.

I started to become lonely and depressed. I was sleeping for along periods of time and always eating always crying. Always up said . And put on 20 kgs in the 5 months of my marriage so far. I was always tired and was lacking with house work but he didn't understand and we always use to argue everyday. He was always complaining and I would answer back and yell at him and he would get angry at hit me and hurt me and I would always cry. It was an on going thing always complaining and yelling and hitting me didn't like my food that I made.

Then I become attached to the tv cause I was very bored and wanted me home. I was playing video games and he would get mad. He always takes my pension. And take his money. Never let me spend money. If i did he would yell at me. It's been going on for 5 months and I've started having anxiety attacks when he would beat me sometimes drop myself on the floor and tense so hard i feel like my brain will pop and start crying like I said I want to kill you get away from me.

Just recently I've been sleeping on the couch in lounge. I feel like I no longer love him and I don't feel sexual desires no more. I feel that even while we are in action i dont feel any sexual feelings. And I tense my insides. Even now as I type while laying next to him that I don't love him.

The last fight I had made me think I've had enough. It was over money I've spent and it led to violence. I got so mad and I had enough - I screamed so loud and was tensing my jaw that I wanted to kill him and I was so sad I burst into tears and starting having an anxiety attack and I felt I was going to die. I couldn't breathe. And didn't even realise that I was wetting myself. I just wanted to commit suicide at that moment and I was crying praying to allah screaming ya allah why are you doing this to me - I can't handle this pain no more. I feel so ill like. I just don't know what to do?

Amina91


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7 Responses »

  1. Salam sister.
    I am no scholar in Islam. But I came across your post and I am deeply concerned about you.
    Firstly! You didn't take enough time to know this guy properly before you married him. It was a very sudden marriage. And you didn't know how he was like and how his friends and family were before you decided to spend the rest of your life with him.
    Your family could have gotten to know him better too. All through the limits of Islam of course. But that didn't happen.
    Secondly you have been a good wife to him. But he is clearly abusing you. I know that talking about his behaviour would render pointless since I'm sure you have tried that already.

    I would firstly recommend your and his family know by the way he is treating you. He is keeping you like a prisoner not a wife! And no where does it say in Islam to hurt your wife and beat her up! He is supposed to be taking care of you and loving you. He has every duty to give you some money to spend on you.
    After letting your family know I'm sure they would be there to Support you. But remember you choose to make yourself happy and if you feel you don't love him anymore then I don't think there's any point of this relationship to continue further. You are just five months into this abusive relationship and imagine it could get worse with time. You don't even have any children with him yet, imagine how he would treat you infront of your children? If I were you I have taken a khula by now and seriously consider separating ways with him. I knew a girl who was in a similar situation. She changed herself for her husband but he turned out to be abusive. And within a few months she got a divorce and now she is really happy and enjoying her life. She's travelling to different places and keeping herself happy.
    Of course it's really hard to actually seperate ways but I think you should start considering it. I would say that give the man another chance after discussing it with your family and letting his family know about his actions. But I'm sorry to say Ive never seen abusive husband's change. It's like wired into their system. It is sad but it's true.
    Do an istikhara as well if you are unsure whether to continue this relationship or not. I've seen many women sacrifice their lives just to keep the marriage going. But divorce although disliked in our religion is not forbidden.

    I hope you find the courage to do what makes you happy and not depend on him for happiness because clearly he couldn't give it to you. I do pray he changes his ways and realizes his mistakes. But as most cases show, they barely do realize their mistake and continue this behavior again.
    If you do go ahead with a divorce I pray you get a much better husband who treats his wife like family. But do remember to get to know a person and his family well enough before getting married .

    Thank you!

  2. Hello!

    I think the first step should be to go to a doctor and get treatment for the depression and anxiety. Secondly you should consider getting a job since you mention that there are financial problems. Going out and interacting with other people would improve your state of mind. Staying home all day in this situation when there are no kids that need to be taken care of is not good. You should convince your husband to allow you to go to work.

    The way he is treating you is really bad, there is no justification for him hitting you. But if you want to give a chance to this marriage you should also try not to give him reasons for arguing. For a husband working all day and coming home and seeing that his wife is always in bad mood, crying, not taking care of the house, watching TV, playing video games and sleeping all day, plus gaining 20 kg in 5 months without being pregnant must be frustrating. Of course you need to relax and have time for your hobbies, but first you should take care of house work and after that start playing video games and such. And you are a young woman, you should care about your health and appearance. Gaining 20 kg in such short time is very bad.

    You didn't mention if you and your husband talk things through after a fight. What is his saying in all this? You need to make a plan and both of you to try and work on your marriage. If he shows no interest in trying to change even if you take steps in saving this marriage then at least you know you tried before actually giving up.

    If you continue like this things will never change, maybe only get worse.

    • Hello! I think the sister mentioned that her husband doesn't let her go anywhere. I highly doubt she would be allowed to work and interact with new people when he doesn't even let her meet her own friends! Imagine how would react when he finds out she wants to do a job away from home. I do not blame her for gaining weight and being in a bad mood when all he has done is put restrictions on her and not allowed her to do anything.

      • Ok, I am sorry. I just assumed people discuss the most important matters before getting married: what are their expectations from one another, future goals, where will they live etc. So in the case he changes his mind after marriage she can remind him this is not what they agreed upon and let him know she won't put up with his behavior.

        If she decided to give this marriage a try cause she never mentioned trying to leave him, I just think it's not wise to fight fire with fire. A man with anger issues who becomes violent should not be provoked with yelling back and the other stuff she said she does. If you don't set boundaries from the start you risk being walked over.

        She said she developed deep feelings for him and that the first month of marriage was wonderful. I thought that man can be convinced to change his mind if she also changes her approach towards him. Maybe I am being too optimistic, but I think right communication, being honest and she treating her depression and not being in the state she is currently in would make her husband see her with different eyes, becoming more understanding of her needs and maybe having a happy marriage like they had the first month.

        If he picks a fight without any valid reason and it became a habit that their arguments end in physical violence then she should leave him as soon as possible without looking back.

      • I don't think your advice can help her .pls be sensible

  3. Reading this made me so upset and angry. I feel for you. Please please please sister get out of this marriage ASAP before you lose your sanity completely and yourself. I beg you. Please see a therapist, tell your mom and family what has going on. None of it is your fault, clearly there is something wrong with him. No man should ever EVER lay his hands on a woman, I always see this happen with family members or friends and they never end up leaving because they "love" him, but that's not love wallahi. Please get out and seek help, you deserve love and happiness. You're in my Duas x

  4. This is such a sad story. I can only pray that Allah helps you in your situation. Firstly it seems like you have ended up in a deep depression as a result of this marriage. All the things you mention are signs of depression and anxiety so the first thing to do is go to the doctors. This might seem really difficult but just book the appointment and go. They will be able to start helping you and this will give you more confidence to start making changes in your marriage in whatever you want to do. They can probably also refer you to counselling or therapy and help you solve your problems in a confidential service. Also praying your 5 times salah with full dedication and conviction can be very helpful as it is also a type of medication where you are thinking about nothing else other than supplicating to Allah for those few minutes and as well as fulfilling your duty can help you remain calmer and feel more at peace. Allah doesn't burden a soul more than it can bear but this doesn't mean you have to just take everything. Allah also made divorce permissible and if things are not working out and you are suffering so much then you can consider this option. You have to make that decision for yourself but firstly I would go to get help for your depression and anxiety. It might seem like a difficult step but the doctors will be very helpful and supportive and non-judgemental as they are used to dealing with people with depression. I really pray that Allah helps you and improves your situation. And remember Allah puts people he loves through trials to bring them closer to him so find comfort and solace in this and increase your remembrance of Allah.

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