Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have to cut ties with my daughter, please help

unhappy woman, sad and alone,

Assalam alaikum brothers/sisters, this is a very difficult situation for me. My daughter whom is Muslim born and bred, met a non-Muslim guy several years ago, left home lived with him had a child, then she left him we forgave her took her in, did everything for her, then she left again to be with him and had another four children.

My husband forbade any of us to have any contact with her, but I couldn't resist due to the grandchildren and hoping and praying one day she would inshAllah change, she even wears hijab and goes to the mosque.

But now the time has come where I will have to cut ties with her as its killing me, its destroying the whole family as my husband has just found out she has more children, please help, its killing me i havnt stopped crying and praying since the first day it happened 10 years ago. InshaAllah you have the knowledge to help me and give me your advice....

- ummah


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14 Responses »

  1. Sister Ummah, As-salamu alyakum,

    Do not cut ties with your daughter. It is unfair of your husband to ask you to do so. Even though your daughter made a mistake and committed a sin, she is still your blood and your tie with her is unbreakable.

    See this article about the importance of family ties in Islam:

    The Importance of Kinship in Islam

    As is mentioned in the article, the Messenger of Allah (sws) said,

    "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

    And he said,

    "Allah's mercy will not descend on people among whom there is one who severs ties of kinship." [Baihaqi, Shuab Al-Iman]

    Although wives owe obedience to their husbands in Islam, there is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah and His Messenger.

    Explain to your husband that you love him and do not wish to disobey him, but you have no choice in this case. Tell him that it would break your heart to cut off your daughter, and that it's against the way of Islam as well. Also, how can you give da'wah to your daughter and counsel her to the right way, unless you communicate with her?

    Sometimes babies can soften the heart. Bring your daughter's baby to your husband, and maybe that will soften him up a bit, and open the door.

    Wael Editor

    • Sometimes babies can soften the heart. Bring your daughter's baby to your husband, and maybe that will soften him up a bit, and open the door

      I don't think that is a good idea at all . Her father probably knows that his daughter's marriage is invalid , the children are also illegitimate . If this thought is inside her father's head then probably bringing the children in front of him will provoke him in a aggressive manner .

      Back to the question ..... If it is possible for the mother .... Try to convince your daughter through quran and hadith and pray .... I don't know what to say but try your best to save your daughter from hell fire

      • My husband forbade any of us to have any contact with her, but I couldn't resist due to the grandchildren and hoping and praying one day she would inshAllah change, she even wears hijab and goes to the mosque.

        That is really surprising ...

  2. I am confused as to why your daughter going to the Mosque and wearing Hijab when she choses to be with a non-muslim, having children in sin and out of wedlock thus breaking all rules of Sharea. Very puzzling!
    I agree that one cannot cut off their relationship with their blood however one cannot encourage such behaviour. When a muslim womans behaves like this is is a slap in the face of all Muslims! I feel so sorry for her father and I have no pitty on her at all!
    As muslims it is our duty to choose & love Allah almighty over any person no matter how they are related to us.

  3. It hurts me to read such disdain of a young woman who has fallen in love and brought beautiful children into the world. It is one thing that I will never understand about Islam, it is a beautiful religion but denies the fact that people fall in love. Can her husband maybe not consider converting to ease the situation? I do not believe you should cut of contact with your daughter, she is your flesh and blood as are your grandchildren, it's unfortunate how it has happened but the children are innocent and your daughters only "crime" is to fall in love with someone outside of Islam...there are greater sin on earth. Is he a good father? Does he support and provide for his family? I know of "Good muslim men" who have abandoned their muslim wives and children, they have fled back to their countries of origin and married others, denying all knowledge of their first families. It's low behaviour.

    I'm sorry, I know this reply is going to anger you all but I truly feel for the daughter.

    • Assalam O Alaikum sister Ruby83,
      Masha Allah, thanks for asking this question and Insha Allah I will try my best to answer with my very limited knowledge. Sister, in general woman are allowed to choose who they want to marry or have their say when their parents are looking for a suitable match or if they have found one. It is just culture that gets in the way and unfortunately so many sisters suffer especially in majority Muslim countries. It is mentioned in Quran that;

      "O You who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will, and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at time of marriage) you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse. And live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings
      through it a great deal of good." (An-Nisa 4:19)

      However, there is a proper way of doing things sister unlike this sister did in this particular case. But since I don't know her circumstances at the time she took this decision so I am not going to judge her or anyone else. A fellow sister editor mentioned a while ago under one of the posts that one of the girl she knows had feelings for a guy who is not Muslim but is interested in Islam and wants to marry her.
      Now, brother of this sister is teaching that guy about Islam; once he accepts Islam Insha Allah they will both get married. This is how it should be sister but everyone has different circumstances. We all desire something in this life be it a partner who we want to spend our life or anything else but don't always get our desired. It is also for our own good because we cannot understand the hikmah of Allah (swt) in that. May be what we wanted wasn't good for us in Long run or may be there were other complications. Allah (swt) knows best. Remember sister, this life is a test whether we get what we wanted or we didn't; Allah (swt) will see how thankful we were toward him and how we reacted to a certain situation. I know a few sister who stood against these cultural practices and didn't let their parents to take away their rights given them by Islam. Today, we had a sister, who got married by her choice to a Muslim brother of her own choice to whom her parents didn't agree just for cultural reasons. She took exactly the right steps Masha Allah to not go against her religion. Remember sister! their is not obedience to parents in dis obaying Allah.
      I applause her and wish there were more sisters. This is your birth right and every sister should be allowed to practice it.
      I agree with you in this particular case that her family shouldn't abandon her. Who knows what she has been putting up with just because she has no one to turn to because she burned all the boats. Her mother should definitely contact her and see how is she being treated and IF THERE IS A CHANCE OF THIS GUY'S CONVERSION TO ISLAM. Sister, off course there are many men out there who have abandoned their families and engaged in Haram activities, keep lying and hiding their real faces from others even knowing that one day they will be standing in front of Allah (swt). It's hypocrisy sister, they know their rights but they don't admit that women have rights too even they know that deep down.

      "O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife (Eve), and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, Allah is Ever and All-Watcher over you." (Al-Nisa 4:1)

      Sister, you can come here to seek information/knowledge about anything and Insha Allah it won't anger anyone. This forum is for both men and women and they have same rights.

      I hope this helped and feel free to ask any question you have by writing a separate post and submitting it after logging in.

      Your brother in Islam,

  4. @Ruby83
    Islam does not deny people falling in Love, please do not come here with your hate messages and false statements against Islam.
    It is simple, Allah almighty forbid muslim women from having children out of wedlock period! There are no discussions or buts and maybes about it. As muslims no matter how much we love our parents our childen we will never love them more than Allah almighty nor are we going to break god's laws to support a child gone wild.
    If she was following Islam she would not marry a man who idoes not believe in Islam, because Allah and Islam are first before lust and earthly love. This is the difference between muslims and non-muslims. We live our lives in Allah's will and comand in the hopes that our good deeds will grant us a place in heaven for eternal life.
    This young woman chose to break her father's heart and go against her family and culture. Her father is an honorable man thus chosing to not to support her lewd life and I applaud him for his decision!

  5. dear Sister Ummah

    I'm sorry for your pain. I don't think there is a clear cut answer to your problem, to resolve it will require a lot from all parties concerned.

    If your daughter has changed then you need to place her, yourself, your daughters husband and your husband with a mediator, maybe an imam in one room and talk about this issue.

    Your husband perhaps need to speak of his pain and anger in front of your daughter so that she can see for herself how much pain she has caused.
    Your daughter should be clear about what she wants from life, she cannot go back and forth, this just prolongs your suffering, so you need to be firm with her.
    I think if she is going to stay with her 'husband' then perhaps he can be invited to accept Islam, maybe the imam can help in this. If this does not work then you cannot do anything. Your daughter is a grown up woman she has to live with the consequences of her actions. But please do not abandon her, one day she will need you.
    Encourage her to learn her deen, but perhaps you should not invite her to your home as it clearly upsets your husband and its not fair on him as its his home. Maybe you can be discreet about your contact with your daughter, meet your husband half way on this- his anger is justified.

    I pray Allah resolves your problems

  6. Assalamu alaykum Questioner Sister,

    221. Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire, and Allah inviteth unto the Garden, and unto forgiveness by His grace, and expoundeth thus His revelations to mankind that haply they may remember. - Surah al Baqarah

    How perfect are Allah's words?

    An invitation to the Fire on one side from a one doing shirk and an invitation to Jannah from Allah, Lord of all worlds.

    19. Lo! Religion with Allah (is) The Surrender (to His will and guidance). Those who (formerly) received the Scripture differed only after knowledge came unto them, through transgression among themselves. Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) Lo! Allah is swift at reckoning.
    20. And if they argue with thee, (O Muhammad), say: I have surrendered my purpose to Allah and (so have) those who follow me. And say unto those who have received the Scripture and those who read not: Have ye (too) surrendered? If they surrender, then truly they are rightly guided, and if they turn away, then it is thy duty only to convey the message (unto them). Allah is Seer of (His) bondmen. - Surah Al Imraan.

    What is the need of accepting the daughter again?
    What does it indicate?
    Does it mean that no matter if Muslims girls run away and marry non Muslims, we will still welcome them, let them be a part of our family and Islamic society and thereby give an indirect encouragement to other Muslim girls to follow the pattern for them.

    Kindness is an Islamic virtue which should not be left while inviting non Muslims to Islam or taking leave from disbelievers on their rejection of Islam. Hence, one should not leave kindness, but to encourage such behavior is not right.

    Try to solve the matter in kindness and leave the rest to Allah. Do not encourage entry of kids in home, grand parents' heart melting due to them, all this would mean whether children follow Islam or not, whether there is more fitna due to their following or not following Islam and growing up without Islam and then their mixing up with the family and being a part of a family would mean "acceptance" of a disbelievers way, which is not what a Muslim should do.

    We are asked to be kind, hospitable, but not to get intimate with disbelievers.

    May Allah help us and guide us, forgive us and give us victory against the disbelieving folk.

    Your brother.

  7. This reply really touched my heart and i can see why this is so hard for the parents. You however should not cut ties with your daughter i see she has changed and wants to build bridges. Think of your grand children they need you both, your daugther fell in love it happens and it hard too deal with i know.

    I can honestly say no one parents deserve this sort of punishement or shame when their child son or daughter fall for a non muslim. Trust me even if you raised the most beauitfual, honest, clean, decent children no parents know until they find out from the childs mouth. Recently my muslim sister told her parents and this has shatthered the family into pieces and yet they have to except because the parents dont want to lose their daughter, they have tried everything but they are very helpless. All muslims in our communities feel ashamed by this, but yet when our muslims families know there son or daughter are dating or in love with someone else force marriages exist and get that person married to someone they feel nothing for to keep the respect, honour izzsaat thing. Tell me what is this going to do will this actually help the situation? Us has muslim what can we do, we teach our children, friends the teaching of our Islam and the elders supporting them the rest it is up to the person itself to learn from halaal and haraam. No one is perfect in this dunyia (world) i strongly believe it is kismet and you dont know what holds for the future only Allah knows. All you can do is support your daughter at least she got married had children and just maybe with you being there as a mother you can pass your experiance and knowledage of Islam to her too. Maybe this is the time for your daugther to reflect on here mistakes as well. Inshallah i pray both you and your husband make up with your daughter as life is too short to lose each other ameen.

  8. @Khalil
    Whether a true muslim is a true believer of Allah or not only Allah knows whether that persons dil (heart) is in the right place, whether the person follows Islam, whether the person has the right intentions. I can sit here and say all muslims are followers of Allah in actual fact that is not true. No one knows until you find out about about the person itself people make mistakes no one is perfect in this world is my point. Never judge the cover of the book without the facts. Yes sister broke her dads heart and family honour but how much can you punish your child with more punishement. Yes the parents have honour and pride to think about and there may be many reasons why this happen we dont really know and yes i do feel really sorry for the father. Think of all those people who cant even have children, ulhumdiallah this person has children and maybe by forgiving there child they can rebuild their relationship. My heart goes out to them and i also pray they get through this difficult time ameen.

    • Sister Samina,

      A person who has not obeyed Allah and gone ahead marrying a non Muslim, only Allah can give such person hidayah.

      As such, Nikah of a Muslim woman with a non Muslim man is not valid at all. So everything is haraam in her married life right now. Would it then be correct to be in constant support of something haraam?

      May Allah guide her back to Islam and bring her husband in the fold of Islam. Indeed Allah knows best who is guided and who is astray from His path.

      We all Insha Allah pray for sister Ummah's pain to ease. May Allah ease her pain, Insha Allah.

      I hope the below verses of Surah Tahriim will make the picture more clearf or our eyes and hearts. Allah specifically points out to Believers and their families:

      6. O ye who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire whereof the fuel is men and stones, over which are set angels strong, severe, who resist not Allah in that which He commandeth them, but do that which they are commanded.
      7. (Then it will be said): O ye who disbelieve! Make no excuses for yourselves this day. Ye are only being paid for what ye used to do.
      8. O ye who believe! Turn unto Allah in sincere repentance! It may be that your Lord will remit from you your evil deeds and bring you into Gardens underneath which rivers flow, on the day when Allah will not abase the Prophet and those who believe with him. Their light will run before them and on their right hands: they will say: Our Lord! Perfect
      our light for us, and forgive us! Lo! Thou art Able to do all things.
      9. O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end.
      10. Allah citeth an example for those who disbelieve: the wife of Noah and the wife of Lot, who were under two of our righteous slaves yet betrayed them so that they (the husbands) availed them naught against Allah and it was said (unto them): Enter the Fire along with those who enter.
      11. And Allah citeth an example for those who believe: the wife of Pharaoh when she said: My Lord! Build for me a home with thee in the Garden, and deliver me from Pharaoh and his work, and deliver me from evil doing folk;
      12. And Mary, daughter of Imran, whose body was chaste, therefor We breathed therein something of Our Spirit. And she put faith in the words of her Lord and His Scriptures, and was of the obedient.

      Those who rejected faith, even being wives of Prophets could not find any favor with Allah and they became losers in the aakhirah.

      And the women who believed in Allah and preferred belief over disbelief, iimaan over kufr, became the victorious in the aakhirah.

      49. And those in the Fire say unto the guards of hell: Entreat your Lord that He relieve us of a day of the torment.
      50. They say: Came not your messengers unto you with clear proofs? They say: Yea, verily. They say: Then do ye pray, although the prayer of disbelievers is in vain.
      51. Lo! We verily do help Our messengers, and those who believe, in the life of the world and on the day when the witnesses arise,
      52. The day when their excuse availeth not the evil doers, and theirs is the curse, and theirs the ill abode.
      - Surah Al Mu'min.

      We are Muslims. We need to obey Allah to find acceptance.

      How can our disbelief in Allah's revelations find acceptance with Him?

      15. Lo! We have sent unto you a messenger as witness against you, even as We sent unto Pharaoh a messenger.
      16. But Pharaoh rebelled against the messenger, whereupon We sealed him with no gentle grip.
      17. Then how, if ye disbelieve, will ye protect yourselves upon the day which will turn children grey?
      18. The very heaven being then rent asunder. His promise is to be fulfilled.
      19. Lo! This is a Reminder. Let him who will, then, choose a way unto his Lord.
      - Surah Al Muzzammil.

      Let us fear Allah and do as He says : O ye who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire, whose fuel is of men and stones.

      O ye who believe! Turn in to sincere repentance to your Lord.

      May Allah help us and help the brothers and sisters in need.

      Your brother.

  9. salaamu'alaykum sister, may Allaah be with you, all i can do is to say DONT cut ties with her, ever.
    and i'll make du'aa for you inshaallaah

  10. may help? Im sure your daughter is also troubled as she fell in love with a non muslim and had kids with would be tough on her too knowing her father dont wanna contact her who knows she properly repentented and wants to change this also but cant you need to reach out to her as a mother this your daughter and both of you guys need to try to resolve the issue with the father together aleast let her apporch him if its to tough let her have the non muslim take the sahada (convert) you need to reach out to her this is your daughter but neither do u wanna cause promblems between you and ur husband as a fight would make things worss and may led to divorce anyway on the low reach out try to gather helpful reletives who know how to speck through able to reconsile in your husbands side brothers, sisters parents cousins ect.. anyone from the family who is trustful and able to speck through your husband who may have the upper hand and be able to convince him as you may be weak to apporch this matter to your husband to have them put some reasoning in him so he may be little more reasoning while having your daughter going to your father and apporching him about everythibg and how she wanna change and how she would like to make her marriage halal and ect ect as we need to get the thought in ur husbands head of
    "yes you have the right to be upset and angry and hurt but what can we do she has the childeren she wanna change what you want us to do we cant benfit from cutting the daughter we wont gain anything it wont teach anything it justs hurts us all we arent gonna live forever who knows i might die you might die or she might die but whoever dies will die without specking to one another and what benfit did we gain from this cutting off the daughter" something like this you need have it installed in your husbands mind carfully and paitenly call upon Allah with "hope" and "humble" yourself before Him as He hears all dua and nothing is tough He is able to do all things within seconds Allah can Aid you through this diffculty and satify you focus on calling and put your trust in him it happened to me once in a situation where i felt i was in a closed box there was no way out this promblem i had to call upon allah and it was my last hope and i made sure to put faith and hope in the calling as i needed help and lik this is the only thibg that can help and guess what? It worked Allah helped me if you call upon Allah "call upon Allah" "call" upon Allah you can achive everything surat mulk "He is able to do all things" the key is dont lose hope u have to be certain let me try my best to fix this so one day i can be sitting in the living room looking at my daughter and husband remebering how i used to be in stress about this situation inShaAllah lightness will come

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