Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I left her for the sake of Allah but I feel guilty

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Asalamualaikum,
i feel extremely awkward sharing this story of mine over here and i don't know what im hoping for. Im 19, and extremely in love with a girl for over 3 years. i promised her that id marry her.

She's my best friend and we have really been more like life support to each other. I know that according to Islam, you aren't allowed to talk to girls even. And these kind of thoughts extremely pressurized me and Im struggling through studies and have a lot of other tensions on life.

All this compiled and i got so stressed and thought id leave her so i wont be disobeying islam. But She has been crushed. i cry every night and i love her so much and i dont know what to do. she thinks i ended her life. even i want to be with her and just her.

The extreme guilt in me is killing me that she cries over me and that iv done so wrong after leaving her like this. My family is conservative and i cant talk about marriage before 25 until im settled and her family will most probably think about her marriage after 20. she's the same age as me. I cant live with this. i want her to be happy. i want to see her smiling.

Please tell me what to do.

Adil111

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7 Responses »

  1. Just send a letter a dressing both parents ...that this is what has been happening and we like to get Nikkah because it would protect us and you from sin...explain how you feel n man up...All this is because of the disobedience and this is end result...now you must be honest and turn things around for good....Other then this Allah doesn't like when we hurt anybody.you will be answerable for everything...so make things right

  2. I'll give you some old sage advice:

    "What is meant for you will reach you, even if it's under two mountains. What is not meant for you will not reach you, even if it's between your two lips."

    Your heart is in the right place. Don't be discouraged because there are still some things that you can do. However, I'll warn you, I don't want to give you false hope.

    Focus on your studies and your deen. Even though your parents are conservative, you know them best. Don't say you want to get married now, but that you know of a girl with good character that you may want them to consider for the future. They may not even agree at first, but don't give up (if you're serious about this girl) and show them your best behavior, don't even argue to them, do things that they like you to do. Honestly, your hope is your mother. Ha. Go out of your way to show them you appreciate them. Especially your mother. Your goal is to get a dialogue happening between your parents and hers.

    And then you wait. This is the hardest part. Keep yourself busy and devoted to your worship. Go the extra mile in salah and ibadah.

    But, like I said, I don't want you to be crushed if the outcome is not in favor of what you want.

    Women are very temperamental. We read into things more than we should. A lot of times, we react with emotion rather than logic. Don't tell her your plan, because if you fail at any part then it will seriously affect her.

    Let her heal on her own.

    This may bring out a side of her which you don't know. She may go find someone else, this will show u her real character. and then you can know that you've saved yourself. How she reacts to adversity in her life is important in this whole process, too.

    I hope this helped. In sha Allah khair bro.

  3. Good advice from both of the above. Two different approaches, but both valid. It's up to you to choose.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Islam prescribes the middle path in life. I think maybe you should involve a trusted member of your family and hers and stay in touch with each other in their presence. Also, going forward, involve your parents when the time is right and use your trusted family members to help your case.

    Hope this helps. And Allah knows best.

    AAZA

  5. Adil,

    You've been in a relationship with her for 3 years now. Now you're considering dropping her because you don't see how you could marry her.

    I recommend for her sanity and yours that you honestly try to get married to her so that you fulfill your promise to her.

    http://legacy.quran.com/5/89:
    Allah will not impose blame upon you for what is meaningless in your oaths, but He will impose blame upon you for [breaking] what you intended of oaths. So its expiation is the feeding of ten needy people from the average of that which you feed your [own] families or clothing them or the freeing of a slave. But whoever cannot find [or afford it] - then a fast of three days [is required]. That is the expiation for oaths when you have sworn. But guard your oaths. Thus does Allah make clear to you His verses that you may be grateful.

    If you can't fulfill your promise to her then you should show her you can't and then offer her what she needs in order to get over you so that she can have a healthy relationship with another man. But please be aware, once she marries someone else you may not interfere with her relationship with her husband regardless of whether she ends up with someone worse than you.

  6. OP: Im 19, and extremely in love with a girl for over 3 years............i promised her that id marry her........ She's my best friend ....... But She has been crushed. i cry every night and i love her so much and i dont know what to do. she thinks i ended her life. even i want to be with her and just her. The extreme guilt in me is killing me that she cries over me and that iv done so wrong after leaving her like this.......... My family is conservative and i cant talk about marriage before 25 until im settled and her family will most probably think about her marriage after 20. she's the same age as me. I cant live with this................ i want her to be happy. i want to see her smiling. Please tell me what to do.

    Your family is conservative but you still managed to play with this girl for 3 years. You promised her that you would marry her. Did you tell her you won't be able to marry her before you are 25 at the time you made the promise? I have a feeling you made the promise to get much closer to the girl. You did not mention what did you do with her in those 3 years. Now suddenly after 3 years you realized you should not be disobeying Islam and you broke up with her.

  7. I would also suggest to man up youngin... go to a local mosque, do nikkah, have friends as witnesses. You have been with the sister for 3 years so she deserves respect and a status in society. Finally, when you two are expecting a baby, there are no parents in the world who would not accept the fact, and the happiness that follows. They have all been there done that so don't be shy. That's the girl's job. Be her hero, watch some desi flicks if you have to and do your part. But make sure you are able and capable to handle your biz. Marriage is no joke but it is definitely more important than studies and whatever other excuses you had. It is sunnah and completing half your iman. Will also protect you from zina etc. So please help yourself by doing this good deed if you have a pious woman at hand. Not everyone has that luxury and there are no guarantees in life.

    Other than that, you have to be living your life according to Quran and Sunnah and make things happen, or else they never will.

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