Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I lied that I miscarried his baby…how can I earn his forgiveness?

Tired woman with coffee mug


So I was in a relationship with a guy for three years. We intended to get married, or at least I did. It was a long-distance relationship...I even went all the way to his city alone to make things work, but he said he wanted me to leave and I was heartbroken. One day, he suddenly decided to call it off because he said he doesn't feel the same way.

He called off the relationship by letting another girl insult me really badly, calling me abusive words, and then he completely cut me off from his life. I don't know who she was but that call will always haunt me as she used such bad words. 

I do want to add a background here: I faced the loss of my single parent last July and I was rude to him, sometimes in frustration, and I wasn't close to Allah then so I wasn't even able to overcome the grief...but I didn't saying anything so bad that it could make him call it off completely. I was dedicated and seeing my future in him.

A few days later, something got into me and I lied to him about being pregnant and having a miscarriage (we didn't do zina exactly but now I realize it was some kind of zina). Yes, I was wrong but I was soo madly in love that I wanted him back one way or another and I wanted to make him feel guilty for what he did. But it seemed like what I said didn't even matter to least that's what it seemed like. But now I feel more guilty.

I don't want to tell him the truth knowing I will face more depression and humiliation. But if he ever does blame himself for this, it would lead to me getting punished for my lies from Allah. I am trying to be close to Allah as much as I can. I'm having chronic depression, as it happened all too suddenly.

I want to ask forgiveness from him for lying and for hurting him unintentionally, which made him leave.  But I have zero self-esteem. I feel like I am lost and I shouldn't be forgiven. I don't know what to do. Also, although he never asked for forgiveness, I forgave him.

I want  answers from this platform as to how to move on from all this. I also do want to connect with Allah because I know inside I am not a bad person and I never was. My mother put a lot of effort in making me a strong adult as a single parent, and I don't want to be lost or in this position.  I do realize now I shouldn't have done it. I want to reconnect to Allah and leave all this behind.


Tagged as: , , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Dear Sister,

    You write:

    "... if he ever does blame himself for this, it would lead to me getting punished for my lies from Allah. I am trying to be close to Allah"


    "I want to ask forgiveness from him for lying and for hurting him unintentionally."

    I think a part of you may still be pining for this man, thereby coming up with this idea to further communicate with him. I think you should cut your losses. Ask Allah for His forgiveness, and He will make things right for you. Think about it...Allah would not put you in a position where you are required to do something haram in order to earn forgiveness. Continuing to communicate with him could hurt the both of you further due to residual feelings. We are required to take care of ourselves and not hurt ourselves in any way...That's how much Allah loves us.

    Cry, vent, or write out your feelings to come to terms with them. Closure sometimes has to come from fact, it usually does. Inshallah after several months, you will be in a better place and will be content with not having contacted him 🙂



  2. I agree with sister Nor. This man and the relationship are in the past, and it's better to leave them there.

    You said that your fake miscarriage didn't seem to matter to him. So there's no need to imagine a scenario where he is suffering and feeling regret. He doesn't seem like that type. And I'd say you're better off without him, frankly, as he doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all. Someone who cared about you would have ended the relationship gently, not by having a third party insult you. That's cowardly and cruel.

    A part of your story doesn't make sense. You said you did not commit zinaa. So how he possibly believe you were pregnant? People don't get pregnant by kissing.

    Anyway, Allah is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem. He is forgiving and merciful, and forgives ALL sins, when one repents. That includes you.

    If you want to reconnect with Allah, the first steps are prayer (salat), dua', and reciting Quran. That's a very good place to start.

    I also recommend you see a therapist for your chronic depression. Having someone to talk to can really help.

    May Allah be with you, forgive your sins, and help you move forward.

    Wael Editor

  3. I just sometimes feel frustrated and always question myself is it all in my head or he did did wrong to me and i blame myself for everything, even trying so hard not able to move on. I thought its Ramadan i will focus on creating my connection with Allah and i think im failing it, What should i do? how should i forgive myself if im the one who did bad.

    • Asalamualaykum fnf17,

      Good to hear from you.

      Honestly, you both could have done things differently, but it sounds like he has moved on and you haven't. That's what hurts the most, I know.

      Perhaps Allah made this initially-haram relationship into a test for you to develop your character and patience, while he left your ex-boyfriend alone to continue in his ways. It could possibly become a blessing for you, Alhamdullilah.



      • I do want to stop thinking about him and stop blaming myself, inshort i just do want forget all of it, forgive him for everything and myself and start fresh but i just cant, its affecting my mental health. I do pray to Allah to let him carry me now, on the best path he chooses for me the way Allah wants but whatever im writing its too hard for me to sometimes feel them and im back to stage 1 all over again. remember me in your prayers and tell me how to bring myself out of this mess

        • Ok I will make a dua for you tonight. If you continue to obsess over him and you are in distress and it is affecting your functioning, you should see a mental health provider. You deserve to be healthy and happy. May Allah heal you in His best way, Ameen.


Leave a Response