Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I lost the real me

confused, way to take?

Which way?

Salaam everyone,

You may have seen my few previous posts- I have written about two different situations I have been facing but there's more to it.

I'm facing a lot of difficult times since I was 8 years old and it's still continuing until now and I'm 20 now. Everyday in my life I always try and be positive and look on the bright side but many things shatter me. There's so much out there that lets me down: the way my family treats me, the way my mum's health affects me, and the way a guy abandoned me for his family after all we had been through.

I try to pray everyday as much as I can. I pray at least 100-200 duroods each day which is why I have some strength, but lately I realised my eyes have gone darker and I lost weight- my stomach feels like there's a hole inside. People always mention there's a change in my behaviour like I am holding a lot of burdens to myself.

I always have suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't even think of going there, never will I imagine doing it. I know it's shaitan that's trying to trick me and stuff but I can no longer hold myself. I know I'm not alone in suffering from issues in life and that Allah swt is here for everyone,  but I just want my lost soul back. I've became something completely opposite me- aggressive, mean, rude, un-caring,  and always yelling and what not. I hate the new me, I miss it when I used to laugh, smile and be cheerful. But since I've been facing more than one issue out there I feel like collapsing and a part of me has escaped.

First of all, my mum is suffering from black magic for over 10 years. I was affected with it as well and I had bad health for quite some time. I used to get possessed often because of it and I suffered a lot of physical and emotional pain through it. But mashallah I don't get possessed a lot now;  I still get physical pain due to it and bad nightmares but that doesn't let me down anymore, what lets me down is that seeing my mum in pain everyday. She lost her sense in walking.  Since 10 years I have lost my childhood, seeing children out there with mums who are able to walk, jog or run with them makes me feel like they were so lucky. I missed out on a lot and I can rarely go out with her. It's either once in 4 months she tries her best for me, and sometimes I pressure her into coming out with me, but I feel guilty in the end because she always moans in pain as she can't help it, so I don't force her anymore. I know deep down she suffers a lot and she tries keeping quiet but when she tries opening up to me I can't hear her pain so I tell her to be quiet because it hurts hearing what a mother -especially her- goes through each day due to some evil women out there who ruined her life.

Due to her illness we're always locked indoors, we've not been out on holidays or even locally due to what the black magic has done to her ability in walking properly.

Since black magic came in between, my family lost a lot of ties with my so-called uncles and aunts due to the fact that the person who did it was part of our family. I feel like I'm alone and I don't know who most of my family is; no one lives close to us and we have to rely on close family friends but they're not always here for us as they're busy with their own family. My Eid  is always spent alone; my cousins treat me like I don't exist since I was little and now out of blue they all come running back due to selfish reasons.

Why do people always use us for, what do they get out of it?

People say I'm quiet and shy, but the real reason for it is because I find it hard to trust people and once I get attached to people they seem to let go for no reason and I hate getting hurt like that over and over again. I know I'm depressed right now, being locked indoors everyday, I can rarely go out and don't even have a phone or nothing. I always have to tell my parents who I speak to on the home phone and it kills not having privacy. I hate how they speak to me, and the way my brothers treat me and say I don't deserve any sort of respect at all and abuse me with swear words and abusive verbal language such as "I will smash your face", "you're a rubbish girl", "you don't deserve anything", "I hate you" and there's many more.

My dad always says a lot of bad stuff as well due to how he suffers from seeing my mum. He ends up saying, "I wish I would die, I would leave everyone one day and not come back, I would rather be in qayamat right now than here".  It all hurts hearing this nearly everyday.

Being the only girl and youngest I feel like it's worst thing that ever happened to me. People say you must be lucky and getting spoilt , spoilt is not the word. I do get love sometimes, but I don't get the support or care I need and equality.  They expect so much from me at home, like I should be a housewife. I know my mum can't do everything, but I try my best to do as much as my body can take. I try pushing myself for her, but it's not enough for them.

I thought having a relationship with someone will distract all this pain and I would feel that someone is caring and loving me as much as I would love them. I know its haram but I wanted to get married asap because I want this and thought I would know the guy for 2 months see how he is with iman and his deen, and if I thought he was correct for me I would tell my family. But it all seemed to turn around from how I wanted it to- it didn't go that way.  You can see my post about this. this was a huge mistake and I repented from it but....

I thought things could get better between us.  He recently lost his mum which broke my heart and I wanted to be with him throughout the comforting and I wanted to be his wife not just for him but to support his family especially his little sister who is only 13 .

He kept telling me how he was pressured into marrying someone, so I told him to let go  and go find someone else because he never had the guts to tell them about me. I gave him 7 options, one was where I said, "you either bring a family member with you to my home or it's nothing".

He had thought about it and he ignored me a whole week. It took me ages to get him talking again, but it wasn't even properly. I asked him, "when are you yourelf actually ready to get married?" he said, "right now"; so I said, "leave me then", because I needed one year to convince my parents again as they're all so stubborn- including my siblings.

So he's like, "I don't want to"; I go, "what do you want, then? Who do you want to marry, then?" Because he was so afraid to tell about me, it made me think he wasn't ready for me. He said, "I told you I want to marry you, not a random girl".  I tried convincing him into moving on and finding another girl but he said "I don't want no random girl"; I said "it wouldn't be random because you'll know them through your family first", and he kept saying, "I don't want that though, I want you".

I didn't know what to say. I gave him my options again, and he said that they're still pressuring him. He told me later how he told them about me, and they're just like my family  because they don't accept non-Bengalis.  Just because I'm a gujjrati, they didn't even give a chance to see me. It's not his dad who said this, but his aunts and uncles. I said, "it's up to your dad, not them". Then he goes, "my dad said they're family so we have to agree with them".

He didn't even fight for me, saying "no I want her" or nothing, he just backed down and gave up straight away. He's not even telling me what he wants now. He already let go of me as it seems he's been ignoring everything- my calls, my friends, and even me without saying anything like "I cant do this anymore" -nothing. He just pushed me away without saying a single word. How dare he!

It killed me everyday that he pushed me like this. I begged him to say the truth to me even if it hurts, but he says nothing and ignores me completely. I just don't get what I have done to him to deserve all this pain.  It doesn't even affect him to push me away like this, and I want to know the reason for being betrayed like this.

Then I went to the bottom of it and found the truth: that he's playing behind my back with other girls. He denied the fact when I confronted him in person, and he lied on Allah's name, he lied on my name, he lied on his mum and her own grave.  When I saw all the evidence  I wondered how can people stoop so low to make themselves look like a saint when they ain't? I caught him red-handed and approached him calmly and said I would forgive him but just tell me truth. He made me look like the bad person saying I'm accusing him for no reason, and kept lying over again on everyone's names.

How can you do that, lie when Allah's watching?  I even said, "Allah's watching you and you will have a lot to answer,so just own up now". He's like, "I know Allah is and I am being honest. I ain't scared of no one." I go, "you should be scared of Allah" and he goes "I am- Allah knows I ain't lying" when he clearly was.

It truly hurts me the way he lied to me when I even showed him evidence and stuff, and he kept lying to me that it wasn't him. I just don't get how people can go too far like this to hurt someone for their own selfish fun. I hate liars- I've been with them all my life, I've been tortured by so many people out there like friends, family, and him. I can't trust anyone anymore now, which is why I mostly keep myself to myself and people think I'm being stupid or just shy when I know I'm confident enough to talk but just afraid to get too attached and hurt all over again by anyone that acts like they care when in the end they don't.

Everyday I feel worser and worser facing all these situations in one go.  At home everyone is arguing because my house needs to be done, everything is all over the place and no one has done anything with it for the past 3 years. Everyone causes arguments between each other about it. I don't like being surrounded in an atmosphere where people mostly argue. I  try telling them to be quiet, then they attack me or get me involved which breaks me down even more.

I really hate myself for pushing people away that love me and then trying to bring in the people who don't. I can't handle all these pains in one go: mum's health, family arguments, my broken heart and loneliness. I cry everyday while I pray during namaz; I can't concentrate and I soon breakdown.

I feel so depressed, my health is going weaker and weaker. I tell my mum I want to go to the doctors because I don't feel like myself. She says there's no point and that I will get better if I just keep praying. I know prayers are a really strong cure for everything, but I just need to check out my health and stuff but she don't let me. I always argue about it because she always cares about my brothers before me, and what to cook and house chores, but she don't care what her daughter goes through even though she sees her crying everyday and laughs about it saying "you're such a baby, crying without a reason" that I tell her "how you place useless stuff in front of me and don't care about me" then she argues with me and uses her sarcastic tone saying "go to the doctors then, go- you can even go  to the hospital if you want", which hurts even more.

I feel that I don't have enough friends out there anymore due to not having a phone. I lost a lot of contact which brings me more down into feeling lonely without family or friends, and the guy I thought I could trust into not letting go or betraying me.

I want to get married so badly. I know marriage life isn't easy, but I'm ready to make a new life out there. I'm already 20 and a half, and I get a lot of rishtas already, but my parents show no interest to them even if they're really good and they keep saying "we will ask your older brother first". Like, what the hell?!  They're my parents! I even told them that, and then they argue like  "it's your brothers wish in this too, he's in charge" and this and that. It's like my older brother is in control of anything and my parents have no say, and he wants me to wait 5 years to get married because he thinks I'm not mature enough in that I cry too much.  Has he ever wondered why, as he's so abusive as well and always tortures me with his abusive language, and insane angry tone while talking. I don't have a right to say anything to anyone. He keeps saying "she can't get married unless I say so, only after 5 years she can" and my parents are listening to him even though I say "he's not my dad- you are". They don't care.

I told my mum if they listen to my brother and make me wait 5 years, I won't get married at all. She got mad and said "then get married now", always using her sarcastic tone on me, saying "don't give me extra stress, you will get married, just not now", but I can't suffer like this anymore at home. I want to start my own life right now. I know I am mature- I've been told that everywhere- but my family just loves to make excuses to let my self-esteem down. I just want a husband who will be trustworthy, honest, loving, caring, strong on his deen and imam, someone who follows the Prophet's pbuh footsteps and who can lead me and himself on the way to jannat.

If they keep saying no to rishtas (proposals) right now, I don't think any will be left, or when they are ready to find someone for me people will get annoyed saying "we showed many before and you kept saying no, what's making you say yes right now" and there were all good rishtas. What if I don't find anymore good rishtas because they're all slipping away already?  :(.

I also have issues with looking in the mirror at myself because I have a lot of facial scars due to dry skin I used to get. I don't go out often because of this. I  tried a lot of medication, I have even been to a dermatologist but they said its quite bad the way it looks....but unfortunately they have no right answer or cure for it.  It's been like this for 3 years and I feel afraid when people or I myself look at me.

I'm sorry for writing too much. I always held things to myself, but I realized bottling it up all inside makes you feel worse.  I thought I could trust sharing my feelings with my brothers and sisters over here, so thank you for taking your time to read it. I'll remember you all in my prayers in shaa Allah and thank you in advance for your advice.


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2 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam sister.

    SubhanAllah, you've been through so much in your life already; I admire your strength and courage to have come through these trials.

    Some of the mood symptoms you're describing lead me to wonder if you might be suffering from depression, which would be very understandable given your struggles. It might be worth speaking to a doctor about this, as they may be able to help - there can be a lot of possible causes for depression, but a lot of them can be improved quite readily.

    Alhamdulillah you are managing to keep up your prayers, and it might help to try to find some Islamic study classes to attend - you could then make new connections with people and further develop your knowledge of Islam at the same time. If you feel it would be useful to you, you could also contact a counselling service or support group for Muslim women - there are quite a few of these, both in person and online, so you could search for one in your area.

    Your family life sounds very complicated, and it might be that family counselling could help improve the home dynamics, but that would require everyone to be willing to participate. Islam teaches that we need to respect our parents and treat them with kindness, so try to be gentle and respectful in your dealings with them. However, they should also treat you with the same regard. It might be that if they see a change in the way you interact with them, it might encourage a similar change in how they interact with you.

    As far as I am aware, your brother doesn't automatically get to veto your life choices - he is not your wali in this situation, and while he can advise, I believe you very much have the right to ignore his advice. If you feel your family are unfairly rejecting proposals for un-Islamic reasons, maybe discuss with an imam from your local masjid about what to do - he may be able to raise the issue with your family and help resolve the issue.

    I can sympathise about how distressing scars can be, especially if there are limitations to medical treatment. However, physical appearance is not the most important part of beauty - true beauty is from within, reflecting strength of faith, character and integrity. Allah has created us all as He wills, for a reason, and it is written that in Jannah, the beauty of a pious Muslimah will be radiant.

    If you are very self-conscious about your facial scars, you could try some camouflage makeup - your dermatologist would probably be able to point you in the direction of reputable brands. While this wouldn't make the scarring go away, it might be enough to help build up your confidence a bit.

    Keep your faith in Allah, sister; I pray your situation eases.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. ASLKM,
    i'll just say that i don't know about other ppl but wtever u hve gone through nd ur courage for facing all this has inspired me. can suggest you something you can divert your mind by going in the islamic way. read islamic blogs , know more about it, if you join any organization where you can spend your time as you said ur brother is going to get u married after 5 yrs tell him tht till then u'll do some job like thing you can even join in playschools so that u'll spend time with them cuz kids are the best cuz wtevr dey know nd hve dey enjoy fully tht'll give me happiness many a times even u cn try tht and prayer definitely be particular abt it keep urself busy may be tht'll help u. hope my suggestion becomes usefull nd srry if u feel it stupid u cn let go. wtevr i felt like telling u as ur sister i said u nd remember allah never lets his slave suffer for long wenevr u get married u'll live a wonderfull life inshallah with tht hope live happily at present.

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