Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love him but he doesn’t trust me

For the past month and a few days, I have been talking to a muslim man. It started off kind of slow and we became very close. We had plans to marry and start a family. Although I was not born muslim, he became very interested in trying to give me the deen and helping find my way towards worshipping Allah. He himself had only been muslim for only about a year.

I have three children that he has even grown to love and my kids really like him a lot. I am familiar with the muslim teaching and because of him I read the Qur'an daily. We had a disagreement about something which I felt that he should understand and all he does is say he is sorry, but does not take the time to talk to me or understand why I feel the way I do.

We use to talk about what it would be like to get married and about how things would be different. He told and taught me a lot concerning what would be different and what would have to change. He used to tell me that only Allah can question him at Judgement and who am I to question him if we were to get married and he was doing everything right by us. I believe that it is true and I try my best not to judge or question anything he does unless I see a problem and I try to help him to understand. However, he convicts me of doing things I am not doing. I have given up most of my friends because of him, and have made sacrifices that he does not even realize.

We were supposed to get married over a week ago, but it didn't happen as for he wanted to wait. Yesterday, was a terrible day for us and I was only trying to help him understand. He dropped me off to class at 11 a.m. He was late picking me up but I told him not to worry and just take your time. When he got back to pick me up he got upset because I was not in the place he dropped me off at and went into more detail and accused me of doing something ungodly just because I was not in the same part of the campus. I go to a small college and the college doesn't even have dorms or anything. I have always gone to class--even before I met him---and after class I go to work because I have a part-time workstudy job at the college I attend. This has not been the first time which he has accused me of doing something other than I am supposed to. I am doing right by Allah and Allah knows although there is a lot which I have to learn.

Am I always going to be ridiculed and not trusted by him?

Another question that bother me is whether this has something to do with the fact that I haven't taken my Shahada.

Every time he tries to rely any message through to me, he always starts off by saying that it is not meant for a woman to lead her family to paradise and that over 75 percent of the women were seen in the hell-fire. He has a habit of saying that women are here to bring a good muslim man down.

I believe that I am a good person and although he is a good man, I just find that there are a few things which bother me as a woman. I really love him and he has expressed the same feelings to me as well. For the sake of Allah, I really would like to marry him and start over. I really don't know how to confront him and tell him that I am sorry for any wrong I have done however I am not sorry for saying and trying to help him understand my feelings. His intentions are good, but sometimes his way of explaining himself and sometimes the way he convicts me of things I havent done bother me. I have been faithful and true to him even though we are not even married. I really just feel that we could make things right. I am taking my Shahada tomorrow and although I told him that I wouldn't call him, I really want him to be there for me and I would like for us to get married as we talked about. We have not been talking much since our falling out, I just really want things to be right.

- Yara


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3 Responses »

  1. Sister Yara, your question was somewhat general and lacking specifics, so it's hard to know exactly what's going on. But on the whole it sounds like you are an easy going and accommodating person, while your boyfriend is highly suspicious and jealous. And I think that you are bending over backwards to try to alleviate his suspicions.

    What you don't realize is that no matter what you do, it won't make any difference. This man does not trust you, and that will not change. It's his nature, and unless you want to spend the rest of your life being accused and blamed of things you haven't done, I suggest that you break it off with him and find someone more trusting, whose nature is more compatible with yours.

    I also feel that you should separate this from the issue of taking Shahadah. That's another matter altogether. Your faith is between you and Allah, and if you are inclined to Islam, if you see the truth in it, then you should embrace it regardless of who you are dating or planning to marry.

  2. just to say a jealous man will turn into an over-protective control freak. you sacrificed alot of friends etc for him and your not even married, what do you thinks gonna happen after you get married? through experience i can easily advise you to break your ties with him, but its your choice if that what you wanna do, cos i believe every woman deserves to be loved and adored so peace to you new sis.

  3. sister,
    just be careful. It sounds alot like abuse. Emotionally blackmalling and mistrust is not a good sign. Just google the cycle of abuse in images, and you will see a cirlce. abuse is not always physical, its starts with controlling and jealous behaviours.

    Just becareful, if your gut feeling feels funny about some of his behaviour always trust your instict. You know when soemthing feels wrong. If i am just speculating ignore me, but sis, trust your gut.

    If someone loves you, they wouldnt treat you like that, thats not part of a healthy relationship. Someone shouldnt make you feel bad even before you are married.

    only Allah knows, pray istikhara sis, and trust your instict, you know when someone is mistreating you.

    take care.

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