Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love him but my parents will never approve

Islam strictly prohibits Racism on any basis

Assallaam Aleikom ,

I am a 20 year old American born Arab living in the United States. My family is very cultured and we traveled to the middle east every summer when i was a child. Alhamdullah my parents have taught me arabic so that I am fluent, and brought me up with a very strong Islamic upbringing. I haven't missed a prayer since I was 12 years old alhamdullah. All throughout middle school and high school I never succumbed to dating like many muslimahs/hijabis do.

The trouble began when I entered university. I had a HUGE downfall and started dating a hispanic non muslim , thinking it was just for fun. Shaytan overcame me yes, and I am not justifying anything. The worse part came when we fell in love. We couldn't leave each other. And I was brought up with the belief that a woman should only be with one man, so the thought of me being with anyone else terrified me.

He decided to convert and even then I didn't take him seriously at his idea of marriage because I knew I wanted to marry a practicing muslim. However, throughout his entire life he has been surrounded by the Islamic deen and was always familiar with it and converted for himself. Subhanallah, I admire how much he has dedicated himself to his new Deen. My uncle and my brother took him to get the Shahadah (of course they didnt know we dated I just told them he wanted to convert and needs help) and mashallah he absorbs islam like a sponge. He attends the masjid every friday and most weekends for lectures and has memorized several parts of the Quran. He fasted the entire month of Ramadan on his first try and fasts other non-obligatory days.

After his conversion, I knew that we shouldn't date. After all, once taking the shahadah, his previous life sins were erased, and he was starting off life with a clean slate. After much pain, we decided to break up so we can do things right. I was confident that Allah was going to help us if we did things right. So I spent my ramadan repenting for my sins and vowing to never do them again and praying for him to be my naseeb.

However for some reason I just lost hope. I feel like during my time alone, I have been knocked up to reality and see how my parents are. My parents, may allah forgive them, are a bit racist, especially my dad. They are believers but are ignorant when it comes down to interracial marriage. It saddens me because this hispanic guy  is everything they would love in a guy: his Deen and Iman is strong, he is very well mannered (not your typical hispanic), he is very smart in school (aspiring pharmacist), and mashallah at only 20 years of age he has a job that pays enough that he can sustain a family right now. The only thing is that he is a non arab. And that his family is non muslim.

My parents, I want to obey them, and because of that, I have become withdrawn from the idea of marrying this guy. But I love him a lot. Even if we didn't do things right, I repented. We broke up and even cut of contact and its been that way for 6 months now. I don't wanna fall back into sin cause even tho we didn't commit zina, it haunts me my guilt cause I wasn't brought up that way. and if anyone has ever dated they must know how hard it is to just stop it. but alhamdullah i overcame shaytaan and stopped.

But what do i do about my parents? my uncle (mothers brother) and my older brother and younger brother approve, but I am so scared of my father, I am scared that he will go crazy. When I was growing up as a child even if i said a small white lie my dad would be like "what next, you gonna have a boyfriend". he is very rash and irrational and hard to deal with and has hurt me emotionally a lot while growing up but I still accepted him cause I know thats what Allah wants. But he won't look for my best interest if he rejects this guy cause of culture! when islam doesnt discriminate !! I am down and sad and cry all the time and feel that I am in great pain. I only want this guy if my dad happily accepts and is PROUD of me. he won't know of my sin because i was told if you sin greatly and you lie about it its not haram because you are protecting yourself. so thats not the worry. My question is, I know Allah is the master of all miracles and the most divine and glorious, but is my hesitance towards the situation a sign from Allah that its not going to work? Or is it Shaytaan trying to put me down and lower my faith in Allah. I need guidance. That way i can inform my brother to let this guy know what to do.


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29 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    Since you have broken contact with the man you are interested in marrying, the real big risk at hand is your father's view of you--which is basically the thing that is eating away at you. You mentioned that your parents are racist and that this is the main reason for why they would deny your hand in marriage to the man you want to marry--have you thought, that perhaps, Allah swt has made this a way in which your family can overcome racism?

    Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said in his last sermon:
    "All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action."

    It is easy, so very easy, to say, Yes, we believe this--it is completely another thing to act upon this. If you are sincere, and this man is sincere, and both of you have repented, then I believe that you should risk your father's view of yourself for a greater reason - that being to help your father acting upon believing that no race is superiority over another. There is no doubt that this will be difficult and challenging and filled with moment of tears, but inn shaa Allah, if your intentions are right and Allah wills for this, it will happen.

    Involve your family and a local Imam. May Allah swt make this marriage happen for you if it is in your best interest, Ameen.

  2. (I had posted a comment yesterday, but due to some system error, it got deleted)

    Dear Sister:

    There is no doubt that you are in a very difficult situation. When we find ourselves in a situation where what we think is best for us clashes with what our parents think is best for us, the situation can be very draining emotionally.

    I am also suffering a similar situation but it is not as grave as yours. I am nearing 28. My parents have been looking for a spouse for me for three years. My mom wants me to marry back home. However, there is a proposal from a girl who resides in the country where I reside in. This proposal came formally and in an Islamic, business-like manner. This girl ticks of all the things I look for in a prospective partner. She is educated, wears hijab and niqaab, prays five times a day, and is a practicing Muslimah overall. Her father is also ready to give her to me.

    However, for some unknown reasons, my mother said that she would never accept this girl as my wife. My mom went as far as to threaten me by saying that if I marry this girl, she will abandon me for the rest of my life.

    As for me, I desperately want to get married and get settled, as I am finding my need for companionship overwhelming. However, as much as I want to marry this girl, I cannot do so. I am the most beloved child of my mom, and I simply cannot see her unhappy on a day which is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

    And please remember that your dad is not racist. It is just that our parents, due to their upbringing, just cannot see their son/daughter with a person from another nation or ethnicity. And also remember that no matter what, a daughter is most loved by her father. So I would suggest that you do not go against your dad’s wishes.

    So the solution is you should seek assistance through prayer and patience, as Allah has commanded us:

    O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient. [The Noble Quran 2:153]

    And keep sincerely asking Allah to guide you to what will be best for you both in this world and the hereafter. Then if He guides you to this man, be happy. If He doesn’t, be assured that Allah decrees what is best for us.

    • @Stranger although every child loves their parents BUT parents are not going to last forever. Im not being selfish I am being honest with you. You will regret not doing something sooner the halaal way. You have to stand up for yourself its not always your parents decision its YOURS. Are you going to ask your parents permission to be with your wife? No I dont think so. Parents need to let go and let their children take responsibility. If you want marriage and you know what you want then only you can change that. Your parents are in the wrong who are emotionally holding you back. Marry the girl your heart says because at the end of the day it is your life and your choices not your parents. Chances you can lose and miss but living with regrets you wish you had is really something that cannot be replaced or changed once time has passed. I really hope inshAllah Allah shows you and you find a good wife you deserve.

      • I agree with this. A lot of muslim parents think it is their Islamic right to impose their desires on their adult, marriageable children -- including the choice of skin colour/nationality/country of origin. It is completely unacceptable that they can emotionally blackmail their children in this way.

        When you are 50 years old, single, childless and alone, trust me, you wont be sitting at home feeling relieved that you kept your parents happy.

        • @precious star When you are 50 years old, single, childless and alone, trust me, you wont be sitting at home feeling relieved that you kept your parents happy.

          100% agree with you.

          • But what can we, as young adults, do to convince our parents and make them see what they are doing wrong? I've tried telling them the above points, in a similar situation, where they are against a different race/nationality, but firstly, they say that they already know these things, and secondly, why am I trying to parent them? It makes me feel tired and hopeless... They're not willing to be open-minded towards what is right in Islam, and leave behind these racist attitudes that exist within certain cultures. I've tried to talk to them respectfully... But instead I hear back taunts, about how they should have never educated me and made me 'broad-minded'. It makes me sad because it's like being punished in this world for wanting to do the right thing Islamically.... Makes no sense.

      • @Healing:

        This is so true. Normally we receive advice that we should stand for our right. However, the reality is different and difficult. For example, I know my mom and I know that if I marry the girl I want to marry, she will never be normal with me. People will say that things will get normal with time, but for my mom, whom I have known for 27+ years, and she will never be normal if I marry this girl. As a son, and as a Muslim, can I afford that risk?

        Also marriage is like a bond between two families. It is not just about husband and wife. How will I feel if I marry someone, but my mom neither welcomes her as she is like her own daughter nor welcomes her parents and siblings into our house occasionally?

        Also about the taunt, it is also very true. My mom has shamed so much for me wanting to marry that girl that right now, I am just unable to bring this girl into conversation anymore.

        May Allah forgive our parents.

        • You have to make the decision that is best for you and that you can live with. I'm not criticizing you at all. But it's wrong of you to say "as a muslim can I afford this risk"

          The emotional blackmail you speak of has no roots in Islam. I'm wondering why your mother would take the risk, since it us forbidden to cut off family ties, and she will have to answer to Allah for that.

          As a muslim your mother must welcome her muslim daughter in law into the home.

          Anyway, like I said, you have to make the choice that you can live with, so if that means keeping your mom happy, then so be it. But the scenario you describe us rampant in Muslim cultures and is wrongfully described as Muslim conduct.

          • What about sisters, however? Especially because she needs a wali for marriage (which of course, I understand the benefits of otherwise - just confused about what the options are if the wali is opposing a man of piety and good character based on race/nationality).

    • @Stranger "And please remember that your dad is not racist. It is just that our parents, due to their upbringing, just cannot see their son/daughter with a person from another nation or ethnicity."

      That's just a nice way to describe a racist brother!!! Nationalism doesn't exist in islam!!! If your mother doesn't accept the girl because of the reasons you mentioned then she is sinning and she will have to answer it on the day of judgement!!
      The prophet sws said: "If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption."

    • Stranger: I am nearing 28. My parents have been looking for a spouse for me for three years. My mom wants me to marry back home. However, there is a proposal from a girl who resides in the country where I reside in. This proposal came formally and in an Islamic, business-like manner. This girl ticks of all the things I look for in a prospective partner. She is educated, wears hijab and niqaab, prays five times a day, and is a practicing Muslimah overall. Her father is also ready to give her to me............However, for some unknown reasons, my mother said that she would never accept this girl as my wife. My mom went as far as to threaten me by saying that if I marry this girl, she will abandon me for the rest of my life......I am the most beloved child of my mom, and I simply cannot see her unhappy on a day which is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

      You are nearing 28 and you mom has not found any one from back home yet. What if your mom wants you to marry to a girl you don't find attractive and/or educated? Her happiest day should not be your unhappiest day. Girls back home are also secretly meeting boys online/offline. I think you should talk to your mom again.

  3. I think I would have to agree with sister Samina. Marriage is a big commitment, your choosing to be with someone for the rest of your life. I can understand the importance of parents when making your decision to marry, and agree that it's vital to seek their advice when taking such a huge step. However, I don't feel that parents have the right to force you to marry someone you don't want to, and put that kind of pressure on you. Marriage is hard enough as it is, I can't imagine how difficult it would become if your marrying someone half heartedly it would probably lead to disaster and to be quite frank it is unfair to the other person. I think in this case there isn't really a valid reason to object to the sisters choice for her marriage partner - it's important that you try speaking to your parents, it seems they already know him a little bit and have helped him through the process of converting, surely this should help them to realise that this brother is genuine and decent. All I would say is that don't give up so easily ! Be good to your parents, be gentle in your approach and help them to see the goodness in this brother. Also do istikhara, and keep things halal between the two of you. I genuinely hope that inshallah if you are both good for each other in this world and the next, that Allah swt unites you,

  4. Ps. Just for some inspiration, I know someone very close to me who chose to marry outside the race, his parents were luckily very understanding and accepted his choice, his wife's parents took two years to finally convince and even then they were very half hearted. It was difficult, but the brother had lots of support from his family, everyone remained patient and gentle with the sisters parents until they agreed to the marriage. They have now been married for six years and have two beautiful children. The in laws get on very well despite the culture differences and have in fact chosen aspects of each other's cultures and incorporated those in their own lives. They are mashaAllah very happy together. If this brother has good qualities then i strongly believe you should speak to your parents, or perhaps your brother initially so that he can get to know him a little better and support you in your decision. Anyway hope it all works out for you inshaallah.

  5. You have gotten good advice here, but I just want to add that your assertion that your boyfriend is well-mannered and therefore 'not like a typical Hispanic' reveals negative stereotypes you have towards Hispanics as well. You need to examine these before you marry this man. If you marry him, you will have to interact with his Hispanic family and further your children would be half-Hispanic. You would not like anyone to assume that your husband, in-laws or kids are poorly mannered just because of their ethnicity, so you should not make these assumptions either.

    • lol! First of speaking racist garbage about hispanics, should be condemned if you claim that Islam is against racism. Believe it or not, more people are scared of Arabs(in airports especially) than Hispanics in USA. How would you feel if someone said the same thing about Arabs being terrorists and suicide-bombers? I've concluded Arabs are sometimes more racist than white people will ever be. Look how gulf-Arabs treat Non-Arab labour workers like animals down there esp. in racist nationalist kingdom of Saudi Arabia. What's wrong with looking half-hispanic? as if half-hispanic is some kind of disease or something. How would an arab feel if someones said looking like a half-Arab makes one look like a terrorist?

  6. Hey so what's the update? I wish the best for you Insha Allah kheir xx

  7. Assalamualikum sister,
    I can honestly understand what your going through. Because even my parents are racists .

    My only suggestion to you will be. NOTHING IS IN YOUR FATHER'S HANDS.its in Allah's. nd never lose hope in him because he says 'kun' and its done. Keep praying and praying. If it's meant to be it will be. All is Allah's wish.
    You can ask your local imam to give lectures about how it's not wrong to get your children marry people of other races. Make him get as open to the idea as possible. Keep trying.
    When he opens up bit. Ask that man to come ask for your hand in marriage WITH THE IMAM OR SOME ARAB not alone. Never alone . ask them to tell how much of a good person he is and racism has no place in islam and how he can keep u happier than other men.
    Please dont reveal your past relationship to him as it will make matters worse . let this come as a new thing. Allah does us a favor by hiding out sins . keep them hidden.
    I wish you all the best in life and you will be in my prayers inshallah ❤

    • I would LOVEEEEEEEE to get an update. Even though it was posted 2014, I really hope that I get a reply. I'm sure Allah did the best for you ♡

    • Hey guys, I just looked through all of these posts and read some really interesting stuff.

      I really hope everybody is doing well and keeping patience and faith in Allah to grant us the best in this world and the hereafter InshaaAllah.

      I happened to fall in love with a truly amazing lady, whom I had an instant connection with, within a short space of time she became my soulmate, I was drawn to her like I have never experienced in my life before. She prays 5 times, is an amazing daughter to her parents, and seeks to keep them happy, whatever that means.. even through any pain or unhappiness.

      About 6 months ago, we decided to cut connection and repent for our sins in hopes that's Allah forgives us in order for us to get married.

      She decided to show my profile in a business like manner to her parents, after much pressure from them about finding somebody, and getting her to looking into the huge amount of proposals she receives through CV's.

      Her parents answer was no, due to my age. I am 3 years younger than her. Could anybody advise me on what I could do this in this situation?

      Any advice would be really appreciated.


      • I suggest that she remind her parents about the Prophet (sws) and Khadija (RA), whose age difference was much largder than in your case. A 3 year age difference is a minor matter and is not a valid reason to reject someone.

        Wael Editor

      • Hi everyone.
        Please advise I'm so confused.

        I met someone about a year ago at a Muslim marriage event. He seems to be everything I could hope for in a husband, we are happy and have have so much in common. His mother will not meet me because I was previously divorced when I was 25 the marriage lasted weeks and ended I didn't even live with the guy. Her second reason is that my Pakistani heritage is different to her Pakistani heritage. He has spoken to his mum but she is refusing to speak to me. I am educated and have a good job and have had numerous proposals which I turned down. I believe she is concerned that people will 'talk' that her son married a woman who is divorced we are both in our thirties. I don't know what to do I have spoken to him but he won't say much and just says he doesn't know what will happen. It it should be ok??

        Should I pursue this? Should I go visit his mum take a gift and say hello and explain to her?

        My mother died about a year ago and I don't have much family, his family is the opposite and I don't think they have had any tests in life everything is cushy. His siblings are married but his mother won't allow us and from my understanding I think previously he has tried to get married but something didn't allow it but he won't elaborate. I am hurting a lot and just want closure I want marriage and children and I am not getting younger. Do I wait patiently and hope it works out or push him to move forward? I don't know if it's worth moving forward with someone who cannot make a decision without his mum, what will happen when your mum is not around??
        Any advice guys.

  8. may Allah bring us emaan and protect us from evils..good wishes for u i m suffrng frm m a doctr..and want to marry my teacher to whom i studied in my he is 33 and i m 25 my parents refusing..its really a stressing situation.need prayers

  9. Assalam Alaikum everyone!

    I was checking out this forum because I am in a very similar situation myself. I just wanted to make a dua for everyone here and elsewhere who are in this emotionally drowning situation. May Allah help us resolve our issues in a beautiful manner without it causing hurt to our beloved parents.

    Please keep us all in your duas.

    Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullah

  10. Assalamu alaikum warahmathullahi wabarakathuhu.
    I'm really in upset. Please i need ur urgent help

  11. Assalamu alaikum.
    I love a religious boy. Our age gap is almost 12 years. And also our areas also far. Need to travel almost 7 hours. But are these important for a marriage? I didn't take those as big issue bcoz I need him and I love him a lot. He too loves me.
    We met in fb. But we couldn't say to our family about fb so he arranged a broker and spoked with our family. But our family didn't accept him. They are saying I'm still small and studying. But my studies are ending from this month and I'm free from studies. We couldn't say that we met in fb. Please help me how can i get him. Even we can't separate. Always asking from God 4 help. Please i need some ideas. We need to be together. How can i say about this to parents even now they are not willing.

  12. Asalam u alikum...

    • Wa alaykum as-salam. Please register and submit your question as a separate post. Or you can browse comments left on this post and other similar ones in our archives.

      Wael Editor

  13. Hello, my name is Rabia and I live in NY USA, a year ago I met this guy at an event, it was actually a Muslim event, he is 7 years older then me I'm 20 and he's 28, he's a Muslim and keeps me very happy, I wanted to marry him and talked to my parents about him but my parents did not like the purposal as he is not educated and rejected him without even seeing him, although he didn't complete his education he has a very good running business which I know can provide very well for me after marriage, I can't leave him and he can't leave me but my parents are very very and I mean very strict on their decision and have developed a hatred towards him, they even punished me for taking a stand, I'm in a very tough situation please give me some advice! Thank you!

    • Hello everyone. I am a Muslim girl who lives in USA and the guy I love is from my home country. I want to marry this guy who is very caring and a particing Muslim man. We both are 22 years old and we ment in Facebook and we know each other for 5 years now. The issue is that my parents won't agree on our marriage...his parents agree but my parents thinks he is not the right one. We love each other like crazy. I cried for three days in a row and now I feel numb inside. I don't know what to do now. I am praying to Allah. Please make dua for us.

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