Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love him but we have sinned

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Asalaamu-alaykum my brothers and sisters.

I am in a dark place at the moment. Very far away from happiness.

I am 20 years old and have been in a haram relationship with a guy for approx 3 years. We are both studying at university and have a couple years left before graduating. We never did anything but meet up and talk until the latter part of our relationship, where we began to be intimate. I trusted him and began to love him, he told me he loved and wanted to marry me. I wanted the same. We committed zina and fell into that trap (May Allah protect every soul from such a grave sin). We have repented sincerely and have tried to move on. However we were both so deep into our feelings for each other that we could not. So he told his mother about me hoping she would understand and help him on the situation (he didnt tell her we committed zina as one should never expose a sin that Allah (SWT) has hidden). She didn't see it as he did and told him to stop all forms of communication with me. He told me this and said that is it - he is going and leaving me.

He also called me some nasty things after I tried to get in touch with him a few weeks later. He called me a liar. Though I did not lie to him about anything. He then sweared at me and told me everything was my fault. Later he called me and told me he never meant to hurt me and he was very frustrated at everything going on.

He calmed down and apologised - I said I forgave him and in my heart I do because I also understand the situation. I understand what we did was haram but his mother was not willing to talk about this properly. She dismissed it and told him to switch off his feelings for me. She did not provide any support.

I still have strong feelings for him and him me, but he does not want to resurface the topic with his mum. I think there is an element of apprehension and somewhat him being scared of her. Though now she knows of me it is hard. She did not show any kind of interest in what her son is going through.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed and inshallah Allah will re-guide my lost soul. I have gotten closer to my deen but I still feel so in love him though he has told me it is over and he no longer loves me or cares for me. It hurts to think someone who I considered my bestfriend now does not care about me. Am I right in thinking if he loved me he would convince his parents?

This wasn't juvenile love - I love everything about this man, his personality mixes with mine so well, he makes me laugh- the situation we are in and the wrong we have done caused me distress and harm. I do feel like I am depressed without having him in my life. I love him so much but he claims he has switched these feelings off for me so easily, even after being so intimate.

 

He has hurt me beyond repair but I still love him and want to marry him. But part of me thinks it is no longer feasible. This crushes my heart.

 

Jazakallah Khair for any advice.

May Allah forgive us all for our sins both known and unknown.

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6 Responses »

  1. OP: I love him so much but he claims he has switched these feelings off for me so easily, even after being so intimate.
    He has hurt me beyond repair but I still love him and want to marry him. But part of me thinks it is no longer feasible. This crushes my heart.

    I have a feeling he used his mother story to leave you. I am sure if you tell him we can be just friends,he will come back to you. You need to move forward and forget about him.

  2. Right Sister. Peace be on you. Firstly this all sounds like young silly love to me. Happened a million times. I'm sure of it. Move on. And when you do. He will come back. He will be all nice. You need to give him an ultimatum. Now or Never. And be strong. You're 20 years old. Are you going to run after some guy who's emotions change like the UK weather? Or you going to be a strong Muslim girl by also learning and bettering yourself? Move on girl. Allah is best of planners.

  3. 'But part of me thinks it is no longer feasible.'
    You know it deep down. You still love everything about that 'man' even after he verbally abused you? As a Muslim girl, I'd love to know that you two do get married in the end seeing you've allowed yourself to cross all limits with him. You don't deserve to marry a respectable man who would never allow himself to engage in a haram relationship. So you two might be perfect for each other. This is my opinion. However no one knows about Allah's qadr. He is the Most Forgiving and the Most Loving. You need a slap and a reality check. That so called man has left you, he just used you and I'm sure that's clear seeing he made no effort to fight for his 'love'. Anyway back to Allah, He has probably planned better for you. Your ex clearly isn't the 'best' for you. However, don't stop praying and making dua; it can change your destiny.
    I have never used such harsh words in my previous comments, but sweetie, you needed them.
    May Allah forgive me for being so harsh to you. I wish you the best.
    P.S: Here's a tip for life and a successful hereafter, try to love Allah more than you love this world and the people in it. All of it belongs to Him, people come and leave but Allah will stay. It won't hurt as much next time if you just acknowledge the fact that nothing in this world belongs to you and it can leave you in the blink of an eye.

  4. Sister, I will be honest and direct. You made istikarah. But you need to make taubah for your sin. Then put on some running shoes and RUN. Far away from the man you have been involved with. Why are you dealing with a man who is verbally abusive to you. Focus your energy on resolving that question before going any further with him or getting involved with any man. End the haram relationship. Allah did not put any of us on this earth to be miserable, or mistreated. How can you make istikarah about a something that is haram?

    No man on this earth is worth you compromising your soul and your reputation.

  5. Assalam Walekum,

    I am 27 year old female,i met a boy through one of the social matrimonioal sites he was 28.5 and a muslim so there was no cast issues at all.We where in contact for 3 months via chats,call and meet,we were very attached to keach other and we didnt kept any affair as we both wanted a halal marriage.The boy was very sincere and honest with ,he was high in imaan and was well settled,he shared every information with me required,he was so pure that he upfrontly ask me to do istakhara in the early days that is in feb 2018 i did that and thing were going mashallah very good,we even told our parents about the same,last month he made me meet his mom so that we can take it to marriage but unfortunately his mom said no for our rishta without giving any specific reason.The boy and me were equally shocked amd depressed ,he tried convincing his mother but she is niot getting convinced.The biy said i cant force more to my mother and i know that he is not lot liening.

    The point is I loved all his qualities and honestly and most importantly his love for the religion,we didnt do anything wrong which will hurt allah.We are not talking to each other from few weeks but i really wish to marry this man,as after so much time i founded the right one for me.I really believe in allah and i want to follow all the right means to marry hime,I am really confused what to do now ,I cant stop thinking about him.Please help me in finding out an islamic solution to this.

    Waiting for your sincere reply.

    • Unknown,
      Very important thing is you need to know the reason she has rejected you .
      IF they can't give the reason then probably reason is some thing which can't be told like looks they didn't like or life style they don't like etc etc

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