Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He says he loves me, but he’s marrying someone else

pain healing

I met this guy a long time ago who I was instantly attracted to and vice versa.

However he told me he was in a relationship with another girl for the past 6 years and his family are arranging his wedding with that girl. So naturally I stopped talking to him and distanced myself away from him.

Months later he contacted me again. He opened up to me about his situation. He told me he loved the other girl for a long time however the last one year they keep fighting, arguing and breaking up. Their families don't get along when it comes to wedding talk and everything is going against him and the other girl and he has distanced himself away from her and doesn't feel the same about the wedding anymore. I spoke to him and told him he needs to have patience and wait and see what happens.

We became really good friends after that. (Bare in mind he wasn't dating the other girl at this time.) Me and him had the same interests in literally everything. He would pick me up in the mornings to go watch the sunrise far away from home. We'd go out star gazing in the night. We'd visit library's, museum's, planetarium's. We'd spend hours on a bench in the park just talking away. We were cinema partners with our unlimited cards. We carried out charity work together, sponsoring orphans. We would stay up talking all night, watching the skies, opening up to each other till sunrise. Sharing childhood stories and future plans.

Over those few months we became the bestest of friends and somewhere in between those months we fell in love with each other without realising.

Just the other day his family and the other girls family decided that they will get engaged in October. Hearing this news my heart broke. I was so lost I didn't know what to do. I knew I loved him at this point however I didn't know if the feeling was mutual. So back to stage 1, I decided to cut him off from my life. As he was going to be engaged to the other girl I didn't want anything to do with him as it would hurt me watch the guy I love be with someone else. I met up with him one lunch and told him this was it. I was leaving his life for good and I pray the best for him and his future.

And then it hit him. He realised he loved me. He confessed his love to me. However this did not phase me because if he loved me why was he still planning on marrying the other girl? I asked him this question and his reply was.. 'I grew up with the other girl we loved each other and always thought we were going to get married. I asked her parents for her hand in marriage a year ago before you came into my life and it didn't go smoothly. My parents worked so hard in order for me and her to get married as that's what I wanted at that time. Even then our families didn't get along and me and the other girl changed, became distance. And now after you've come into my life the families have a change of heart and are carrying on the wedding planning for the girls sake. I feel sorry for the girl as I was with her for 6 years. If I could go back in time I would. If only you came into my life earlier I promise you I would marry you. Because me and you are the same. It feels like we were made for each other. We can spend the entire night talking without getting bored, and we can spend the entire day together in silence without being bored. It doesn't feel right, you leaving my life. I feel like I need you in my life in one way or another,'

After hearing his side of the story, I sat there with a broken heart as I knew what he was saying made sense. But I still had that question, how can you marry someone when you love someone else? There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Yes, he loves the other girl. However he is in love with me. And then the question comes, 'there is no real love before marriage.' So that confuses us both a lot. 'We were created in pairs.' I fear that he is my pair and its breaking my heart to leave him and cut him off. But it needs to be done as I don't want to be involved with a engaged man.

I feel so lost in life. My best friend is being taken away from me, I cant think properly, eat, sleep, or function like the normal me. I've given up with everything and have become so quiet, lazy and moody. What should I do??? I know what is in my destiny will be mine and if his meant to be mine he will return to me. But this is killing me now. I have constant headaches and my health is very poor. I feel unstable at home and at work. Its slowly taking over my life. The last thing he said to me was, 'never change, you have a heart of gold.' Help.

lostinthesky


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25 Responses »

  1. Drop him he using you and your emotions. This is haraam and a shameful act that your getting involved in. This guy should also be ashamed of his actions. He don't love you at all but playing 2 women against each other.

    CUT ALL CONTACT and GET OUT WHILE YOU Can. He wants your sympathy and pity to get where he wants you MY STRONG advise to you is don't get involved with him anymore leave him and move forward. These types of people really make my blood boil!!

    • "CUT OUT ALL CONTACT and GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN"....I completely agree with Samina. This means that there comes times where YOU CAN'T LEAVE. There won't be any best timing for you to make that decision than now. Believe it or not this person won't leave you alone unless you do because his just not a man of decision. I found you strong and decent for your manners to not get involved with an engaged man because there a lot of people who didn't find the gut for this and lead a life filled with lies and at that point there won't be away out even though you needed it bad. So here is what I say, stick to what you think is right even if it hurt as hell, even if it feels like you are dead inside. This man can't make you happy anymore even if you have the chance to spent time with him, that just will make it even worse. So do yourself a favor and LEAVE

  2. Lost,

    I had this conversation just the other day with a woman in your shoes. If only these men who are either engaged or have a woman waiting for them would not play these games. Getting into relationships when they know in the end they have no intention of going further with things. In the end, someone gets hurt and it usually isn't the guy.

    The only advice I can offer you Lost, is to let go. Stop talking to him and wish him the best. If he really and truly feels that you are the one he wants to be with, then he can and will man up and inform all parties that he does not wish to continue forward with the marriage. Yes there might be some hurt feelings all around however, it is best for all concerned if what is in his heart for this girl is no longer there.

    This man has made it clear that things will go no further with you. Stop calling him or receiving calls from him and simply cut all contact. Until you do, you will only spiral downward and I'm here to tell you, he will not be there to catch you. He will be gone starting his new life. Love and respect yourself to know that sometimes what we want isn't necessarily what we can have. Please let go if only for your own sake.

    Salam

  3. Sister. You are being played. Played . Played.
    He is just having fun with you, you are his girl on the side. You really dont mean much to him of he just spends time with you and then says he is not going to marry you. Like a peice of garbage you toss on the side when you are done.

    Sister, this is why, Allah commands us not to be alone with Men whom you are not married to, because some are just players.

    You need to see him for who he is, a vile human being who thinks it's nice to use women, cheat on his so called fiancé, and have relationships with multiple women. Please avoid scum like that sister. He is not a gentleman or husband material. If he cheats on his current relationship, what makes you think you are not just a disposable girl, and when he gets bored of you, he will meet another one. And his morals are sooo low is that the kind of person you want to raise children with?

    Please cut off all communication. Don't answer his calls, just send him a quick email that he has no rights to talk to you ever again. Good bye.

    And sister, you knew this was coming, you. Knew it that he was commited to anothe girl from the begining, you put yourself into this situation. Maybe next time, keep it halal. Make sure when you meet another man, your parents are there and his parents know about you...and it he intends to marry you and not just fool around. Sorry Hun,but you did this to your self.

    Now all you can do is get over this terrible man, because you are just his toy at the moment, and nit something worth committing to, or even worth to meet his parents. Don't be anyone's lil secret my dear, that is the worst way to be in a relationship.

    Don't feel sad that you broke up, feel happy. That Allah saved you from this man and has better in the future for you.

  4. OP: So back to stage 1, I decided to cut him off from my life. As he was going to be engaged to the other girl I didn't want anything to do with him as it would hurt me watch the guy I love be with someone else. I met up with him one lunch and told him this was it. I was leaving his life for good and I pray the best for him and his future.

    I have a feeling he may come back after he gets married with stories like he does not love his wife, she does not satisfy him sexually, his wife fights with him all the time or he still loves you and wants to be friends.

    At what stage did he tell you he was in a relationship with a girl for 6 years and wants to marry her, after getting close to you or before meeting you the first time.

    • Salam SVS,

      For the first time I actually agree with your post! That man is unfaithful, and he will come running back after he is married and bored. Best to drop.

  5. Dear Lost

    I have a quick suggestion for you. Ask your lover to tell your love story to his fiance or arrange a meeting with

    her and seek a decision. If his fiance understood your dilemma, she has the the right to break free of your

    lover from the bond of engagement as the guy's soul is divided in two parts. One parts love his fiance and

    the other part is bonded with you. If he refuses to permit you to meet or tell all this to your fiance, then he is

    definitely not sincere with you and without sincerity his love is not true. You should not give

    importance to false lovers .

    • Feelix: One parts love his fiance and the other part is bonded with you.

      Actually it is one part that loves his fiancee and the other girl both. From the statement below it appears this guy hid this fiancee information from the other girl until he had some fun with her.

      OP: However he told me he was in a relationship with another girl for the past 6 years and his family are arranging his wedding with that girl. So naturally I stopped talking to him and distanced myself away from him.

  6. dear he doesnt love you, he is using you!!! if he really loved you he would man up and tell his other girl everything, but he is only playing with you. To be honest even if he told her, its still not a good man, he has very bad charachter, beeing with a girl and still starting to spend time with another girl ...would you like your husband to start talking to other girls and "fall in love" with others and starts an afair with them???? he is absolutly disgusting!!! he knew he is engaged but he continued with you!!!
    there is no love before marriage dear. This relationship was haaram to begin with , thats why it wont ever work, because there is a wisdom behind it why Allah swt made it haraam. But you are very lucky because you have a chance now to come closer to your creator and obey him. He saved you from a cheater, who would be a very bad husband and has no respect for you or for his engagement. Next time if you like somebody, dont spend time with them without a moharam, there is no friendship between a man and women outside a marriage dear, this is a fact. Insh''Allah Allah wil give you better. Forget about him and stop all comunication with him.

  7. Sorry to be so blunt, but don't believe what comes out of his mouth! He's saying what he needs to say to win you over. He's messed around with you and with the other girl. If he was serious about his feelings for you, it wouldn't matter how long he knew the other girl he would end things properly with her and pursue marriage with you. He could have easily have said the opposite, how he loved this other girl, but she isn't the right choice for him and he wants to marry you. He would've found a reason to end things with her. He doesn't sound very sincere. It seems quite clear he was never going to end things with her.
    Be glad to have him out of your life. Block him, delete him and move on.

  8. Lost,

    If he wasn't dating the other girl when you 2 started hanging out, then at some point things patched up between his family and her family if an engagement is in the works. And he should've told you at that point when relationship was getting better. I don't want to assume that he's playing with you but by hiding that fact that marriage talks had resumed, he has not been fully honest with you.

    And sometimes people seem just perfect because the Shaitan is trying to lead you down the wrong path. If this guy is the one, Allah has intended for you, then he'll come back into your life as your husband. He'll find the courage to break off the other relationship or that relationship will just disintegrate by itself. If it is meant to be, it will be. So for now, go out there and do things with other friends. And ask him not to contact you unless he is coming to meet your parents to ask for your hand in marriage.

  9. I was in the same exact situation, he was an African guy. I had just recently went through a bad divorce, he broke up with this girl. Well we spend a lot of time together, it started off completely innocent.. We were super cool and then we fell in love with eachother. During this time she was trying to get him back .. They talked apparently she spoke to his mom as well, they were supposed to be working things out. This left me hurt.. I backed away he later reached out again telling me he loved me.. We continued to sleep together until I got pregnant and later miscarried. What hurt most is after I went through that he proposed to her the day before Valentine's Day. So my advice is to let him go by his business.

    • Aquila: I am in the same situation, the only difference is that we've got married but he said he still wants to get married with his girfriend for 6 years. I am totally confused now what to do, I wanted to tell his family about this in Pakistan but I don't know what is the best way to do it, either I will confront his girlfriend or tell his family about my situation. Please help

      What country you live in? How long you have been married? Did he use you to get citizenship or some thing?

      Is polygamy legal where you live? If he got citizenship thru you, his girlfriend may be his first wife. Confronting his girlfriend or telling his family is not likely to help.

      Where is your family?

      • Hi Nikki. There was no issue about citizenship whatsoever. I know that I am his first wife according to Shariya Law. We've got married recently. I knew from the very beginning what is his situation but he choose to marry me. After a week I have come to know that the girl is asking when are they going to get engaged. So I am planning to talk to his parents about the sitution because his family is against that girl anyway.

    • Nikki: Well we spend a lot of time together, it started off completely innocent.. We were super cool and then we fell in love with each other. During this time she was trying to get him back .. They talked apparently she spoke to his mom as well, they were supposed to be working things out. This left me hurt.. I backed away he later reached out again telling me he loved me.. We continued to sleep together until I got pregnant and later miscarried.

      You knew he was involved with another girl but you chose to continue sleeping together......I guess you are lonely and that African guy took advantage of the situation, so you used each for sex. When a girl sleeps with a guy before marriage, most of the time marriage never happens.

  10. I am in the same situation, the only difference is that we've got married but he said he still wants to get married with his girfriend for 6 years. I am totally confused now what to do, I wanted to tell his family about this in Pakistan but I don't know what is the best way to do it, either I will confront his girlfriend or tell his family about my situation. Please help

  11. Aquila: I am in the same situation, the only difference is that we've got married but he said he still wants to get married with his girfriend for 6 years. I am totally confused now what to do, I wanted to tell his family about this in Pakistan but I don't know what is the best way to do it, either I will confront his girlfriend or tell his family about my situation. Please help

    What country you live in? How long you have been married? Did he use you to get citizenship or some thing?

    Is polygamy legal where you live? If he got citizenship thru you, his girlfriend may be his first wife. Confronting his girlfriend or telling his family is not likely to help.

    Where is your family?

  12. No I live in the states . I was married for a few years and I felt like he helped me get through it. I met him just before my divorce was final .but I'm not sure if he has his citizenship. We still communicate but its brief and he's still engaged to this girl . He is still saying that he loves me and he doesn't want to marry her . I decided to stay friends but I do still love him unfortunately.

    • Nikki: ........ he's still engaged to this girl . He is still saying that he loves me and he doesn't want to marry her . I decided to stay friends but I do still love him unfortunately.

      Many men will say or do anything for a girl for sex. Why will a man engage with a girl if he is not going to marry her? Are you sure this guy is not married to that girl already?

  13. Same thing happen to me i realize it wasnt meant to be. i will get over it someday.

  14. Hi everybody!

    My story is quite similar except that I am the 6 year old girlfriend.

    My boyfriend has been dating me all these years with big promises of marriage and love and kids, and by taking the name of Allah! He used to love me very fondly and I used to be his everything.

    Until 3 months ago he met the 'other' girl. I don't know what has been going on behind my back but he came telling me two months ago that he has changed. Initially he said he made a mistake and loves two girls. Now he says he loves only that girl but since the girl doesn't want him in his life he wants to marry me and will never accept that girl.

    That girl is very very rich and now he says he will always be by my side if I become more rich that this girl.

    I really don't know what are Allah's plans but some advice from you people would be helpful as I feel very lost.

    The person I have loved for all these years, who used to love me has just decided he loves someone else but would marry me anyway. His parents are already in consent for our marriage.

  15. This is a clear example of why dating is not allowed in Islam, the men are getting the advantage, not you. Have self respect, and you will be rewarded for it in this life and in the Hereafter with the crown of righteousness, inshallah.

  16. I am going through a similar situation. My boyfriend proposed to another and yet still claims to love me so much.. and I still love him due to the fact our relationship is still new.

  17. I respect the views of everyone posted above. And I equally sympathize with you on your ordeal. It is hard to find love and see it walk away. You have heard of how selfish the man is, and how men play with women etc. I tell you what, life is already complicated and it gets more complicated as we grow especially in the area of love. A person's heart is an island, no one here can give you an exact reason as to why he chose to behave the way he did. he could have been selfish, he could have fallen in love with you, he could have been playing with your emotions, we will never know. In life, we often find ourselves in situations where it feels like the only way to behave is a certain way taking into consideration many factors. I hate to believe that human beings are categorized in a right and wrong group only. Its not fair. Know that you met him at the wrong time of his life, he might have loved you, but he found himself in a situation that he dealt with the only way he thought and knew was right. He is a man of his word, he asked for a lady's hand in marriage, and despite falling in love with someone else, chose to honor his promise and respect the dignity of the lady for her parent's sake. I call that sacrifice.
    The worst scenario, is him being in bed with his wife and thinking of you. Of course with time he might accept that you are gone and learn to live with the life he chose, OR he will start resenting his wife for his choices, the choices his wife had no idea about. Its life. Those who preach the wrongfulness of an act and calling names without having been in the shoes of another person are yet to face life situations that will teach them to understand that situations are not always just black or white. As for you, be glad that you experienced love and have faith that times reveals all answers and heals all wounds. Let this experience not turn you into a negative person, but it should teach you to treasure every minute on its own accord and that nothing is promised to last forever.

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