Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my boyfriend but my parents won’t let me marry him

Salaamalaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu

I have a boyfriend who I love like crazy and he loves me too. We don't live in the same country so a lot of the initial problems of having a boyfriend or girlfriend are not really ours. But I nevertheless a problem.

We would like to get married but My parents:

1) won't let me because my older sister is not married
2) won't let me because I don't have a stable income and he's a student
3) won't let me because he is from a different country than me
4) won't let me because he is a revert into islam and for some reason my parents seem to think that the only muslims who are good are the ones born into it. But subhana'Allah he is a good muslim who has a heart of gold.

What should I do? I want to get married NOW, I'm not like 18 and going crazy over a boyfriend, I'm 24 and he's 26 but he's a student and broke one at that but he's masha'Allah rich in Islam. But if we get married now we can't make it because unfortunatly we can not live off love and a mutual adoration for religion, we need money. And my parents will not support me while I am married. How should I do this? How should I tell my parents?

Because I do not like fibbing and that's all I do these days I have to lie about who I'm talking to on the phone, who I'm laughing with, sometimes when he comes over to this country I have to lie about who I had lunch with and it's hard and it hurts and I'm sick of it and I need advice.

- Sister Hida


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31 Responses »

  1. How do u expect to be married with him if u cant even tell ur parents that u had lunch with him??
    I know that my advice will not sound good but i hhink that u should leave him.... Trust me there are other guys out there from your country that will love u.

    If u would rathet commit sucide than to not be with him than u shood elope.... But only if u love him more than ur parents.

    • i love my girl frend, we are ready to marry,but my parents won't let to marry her...i need some duwa so i can read daily and it wiill convey on them for permission for my marriage.Ameen

    • I don't think that is a good advice.
      You don't know this person and if people from the same country or place then qualify to be married than everyone who married someone from the same place would not be divorced.
      I don't agree with you, you can never tell who you will meet In the future.
      If you are happy go for it.

  2. Hey Hida,
    To be honest, I think that what you are doing is not wrong at all. It is love, no one forbids love. However, be sure first if this is truly love. Does he really know you and are u sure he is not just using you for some other purpose? Are you sure HE is the one for you? Are you sure he loves you for who you are - if this is so, yes, by all means love him. Be careful though, you don't want to get in sticky mess with your parents, because believe it or not, it may seem amazing at first, but then things get aweful (when you start to miss them) especially when you have no family support. I know exactly how u feel because me and my husband before we got married were also in a secret relationship...and then we convinced parents somehow and had gotten married and things right now are amazing. At that point in time, I too wanted to just elope, but I realised it might not be option. At the end you do realise parents do love you - although with my parents they were prepared to kill my husband (boyfriend back then). All I'm saying is try talking to your parents - or even talk to someone else who is close to you and u can trust adn have some support from if things turn out bad with your parents...that way if you do elope, you have someone to support you and guide you and you wont be alone. Sorry for the extremely long reply!

  3. That is interesting. I am not a muslim but I came across this site looking. My parents are devot Christians and I am currently dating and in love with a young man who is atheist. it's hard to think about two people with similar backgrounds having issues being together and then myself. I told them about him and they want me to be careful and basically disowned me for a couple days. But then it passed. Now they want me to pray and see where things go. The thing is, I am not really into their beliefs and don't think we should judge people for these religious aspects. I see their point of view, no doubt, especially when it comes to raising children. But right now I think we have similar morals and beliefs (except for the he doesn't think God exists). He would be a great father. I just get confused sometimes as to what will go on in the end. Will it be all hell like they say? Or will I be so happy because I'm finally living my own life and making my own decisions and not fearing what others say / do to me.
    It's worth pondering that's for sure!
    F

    • Hey there, just want to tell u that in islam religious views do matter; like for men its allowed to marry non muslim girl but for girls its not allowed beause as i think men can lead the girl to his religion but a girl is toooo tooo tooo weak in love so therefore she wont be able to convert him..
      but as i see in your situation. they shouldnt make u pray and all that when u dont have the belief especially through ur heart.(which counts alot)
      as for ur bf to be a good father or no..trust me in the end he might have no respect or be seriouse with u because u left ur parents for him he might say "why should i stay with u when u even dared to leave ur parents for me and later u will leave me(im not more then ur parents) for someone else.
      plz plz plz think alooooot before makin a big decision, u never know how he turns out at the end.

      • I found this quite interesting cuz I'm in the same situation! My bf is also a different religion but I love him alot.

        (Remainer of question deleted by Editor)

        • Marzia, Asalaamualaykum,

          For now, all I will say to you is this: remember that you are Muslim and if you believe in this deen and wish for Jannah in the Hereafter, then marrying a non Muslim is going to head you in the opposite direction.

          If you do find this and the previous similar questions/answers satisfactory, then please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salam Aleykom sister Hida,
    i understand wat ur going through because i been in the same situation. i did date a guy that i loved the most and couldnt think of marryin someone else beside him but my parents werent happy because he was from different country, i had 2 older sis unmarried at home and he was like 12 years older then me. but just like u i used to see him like the most religious guy and respectful to me! i still love his respect that he had for me. but when my parents told me that its either them or this guy, i got all my courage and left the guy. when my parents raised me and did sooo much for me; i cant leave a guy thats totally not my blood but just someone i fell in love with. let me tell u, wat did i get from this relationship: a broken family and a broken heart. but i prayed alot and promised Allah and my parents until i dont get marry i dont want to have a relationship because its hurts! i know i will have to go through this again and thats when i got to know wat Islam is teachin us! we learn from our mistakes and whose smart they wont make it again.
    sister Hida i would suggest u dont leave ur parents, because first; heaven lies benight mother's (maybe father's too) feet. and when after 10 years of marriage u might curse urself that ur parents wanted u to have a respectful marriage and u didnt listen!
    its totally up to u but i told u my experience and have to say that Alhamdulillah im too happy to see how my parents treat me with so much love taht i dont need this guy's! and i dont regret wat i did, i know i broke someone heart but atleast i didnt do it with my parents.

    hope u find ur way! inshallah!

    masalama

    • Assalamu alaikom, I also had some experienced. I know a guy almost 10 months and we are not in boy/girlfriend r/ship as he never ask me for being his girlfriend . But at first I know that he wanted me as his wife and we did talk about marriage. We are in different country. I told my parents about that :marriage. And because I m a student , they say wait until I am finish.He is in another country and will come in my place after getting ajob.Yes, he applied some job but still waiting to get called. I told him about that we cant marry and i dont know, he suddenly missing: we talked online. I think maybe this is the best for me now. But i still hope one day we will be together and meeting each other in as a better muslim/a.

      It just happened quite recently.And I m still in recovery phase.May Allah guide us.

    • But why couldn't your parents also become more open minded and grow up ? I'm sorry but disagree 100%... If this guy is a Muslim and loves the girl, respects her ect then WHY are the parents being stubborn and saying no? Just because they are parents doesn't mean they are always right.

  5. Salam, i've the same problem as you hida. Can you plz tell me what has happened? Coz me too i love a muslim girl of a different cultural background and same thing happened to me. But what we need to understand is that surely our parents did a lot for us but it also means that they should understand our pain because by doing so maybe we will lose the real person we were destined to marry.

  6. hi i love one boy he to love more.her name is devaraj .in is home all know my love matter .we both love more i need to marry him but my native place is nepal he from india. so i think that my family will accept that but i need my family as well as my lover what can i do

  7. Asalaam laikum here naser.. hw r u... I love my phupheri bhen and wants to marry her. but my parents is not interested in that family... dey are refusing me not to mary her.... i heard dat she getting some rishtey from outside.... iam worry about her.... No one is helping us.... So am Requesting to u give some tips/help so my parents razi hosake jald se jaldi.... .. plz reply. Allah hafiz

    • Asalaam laikum here naser.. hw r u... I love my phupi ki beti and wants to marry her. but my parents is not interested in that family... dey are refusing me not to mary her.... i heard dat she getting some rishtey from outside.... iam worry about her.... No one is helping us.... So am Requesting to u give some tips/help so my parents razi hosake jald se jaldi.... .. plz reply. Allah hafiz

  8. yes, plz delet that post from jana... i am janaa.... i ddnt knw whr to write...so............

  9. Asalaam laikum

    I have been through all of what you are saying, and till this day i am truly suffering and miserable. Sometimes it seems i will never be happy again. I met a guy and i really liked him, and me and him had a connection , a bond something special. I have never felt this strong about anyone before, and vice versa so we discuused it with eachother and we both came to the conclusion that we did not want to do it the wrong way and that we should inform our parents and ask permission. We did this his parents said yes, my parents said no. We tried and tried persuading them but it was no good. As i had so much feelings for him and as i was so devestated by my parents decision, i went on discussing more plans. In the end i eloped and we got married! I have got to say though i was far from happy as i had imagined , yes i was partly happy with the boy that i had lovedd but my heart was broken because i had made my parents cry and become very very upset. My parents begged me to come back and levae him after constant thought i could not bare to no longer hurt my parents and i went back and left the boy. Now i am happy that my parents are happy that they have forgiven me but i am still grieving for my lost love whom i married and left. I feel empty, upset and extremly unhappy. Everyday i try and get on with life but its no good i cant stop being unhappy. I am always at unease and there is no way i can go back becasue i cant hurt my parents again. But inside my heart is screaming out for him. Everyday i live a life of a lie trying my best to tell myself im happy and over everything but i am just kidding myself, Because the truth is its been about a year and somethings will never change I LOVE HIM, AND ALWAYS WILL....

    • Samina,

      It was not right for you to elope. But your parents could have salvaged the situation by accepting you both.

      Ya Allah, theres no balance in the youth or the adults, may Allah make us all wiser.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Hi
    i love my boyfriend alot..
    We love each other..
    am now 23 years old.. so i decided to tell my parents abt him.. he worked as a cook at intercontiental hotel
    we are both same reglion, live in the same district and he had already build his own house...
    when i tell my mom n dad,they said no, because he's a cook and his environment where he live is not good as he got a bar at his place but the fact is that he akready build his own house.... i did tell them, they said no for now n forever... i dnt knw what to do..
    everyday i cry a lot... we still meet and talk on the phone
    am helpless
    plz advice me...
    send me mail

  11. hey...u guys r relli help ful..even i was mad in love... n i am.. still with d guy..but parents haf rejected him 3 months back.. tried 6 months ... din wrk out... was in dis relation since 2 years..n was xcessiveli physical too.. n no regrets coz d guy did everything 4 me.. n at d end i wanted to give him in return by gettin married 2 him.. but ma frnds made me understand dat i shudnt leave ma family. n now dey got me a really nice guy. but i dont love him.. as i realli love my old guy.. and i trust allah.. one day or d other..i will have him forever INSHALLAH. thnks ppl..allah bless

  12. Hi! dont worry abt anything else... do what i have done..Im 22 and she is 20 n i luv her more then anything else. she is ma heratbeat n i cant live a moment without her.. we are serious so what we did is we got married in court and its still secret. well we did it just because in case case if our parents wont agree our luv then only we will tell them that we are already married. Now she is in USA for her further studies and she will come back after completing her studies then she will tell her parents. but i have told my parents and they said they dont have any problem but d girl should respect social n moral value. Please pray for me that her parents will accept me easily... i know they will they are sooooooooo nice.... i luv her family as well .. God bless them...

  13. we are loving each other for 6 years,i finished my pg.and he is working in a good company earning 40,000 per month.the probem is iam 1 year elder than him.i dont know how to approach this my parents about my love.need a idea.

    • hiiiiiiiii guys
      I love someone and he love me too so much...he is 7 years old from me. we both want to get marriy with each other......

      (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

  14. i love a boy but cant marry him

    • lubaina, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. My parents engaged to one boy...that time i was okay with him but now one of my friend is loving me like he cant live without me and he is trying to do suciside also he loves me more now i am also in love with him but i don't dare to tell my parents and i love my parents but my boyfriend also surely he cant live without me but i cant bother my parents by telling about my love because they are engaged me.. What should i do .. Can i elope??but i am getting very.. Sad to n cry to elope and my boyfriend also cant live without me ..if i get married to that person he will definitely died.. What should i do please help mee??

    • sindhu please register and submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. My short answer is that you should not marry someone just because he claims that he cannot live without you and will commit suicide. That's a form of emotional blackmail. It is immature behavior. The truth is that anyone can live without anyone. There is no such thing as someone dying because you didn't marry him.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Just do it! You've one life. Live it.
    There's nothing wrong in doing so.
    Muslims all around the globe Fret over small
    Stuff like this when they should be worried about being kind empathetic to everyone.

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