Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my husband but he wont find a job and I’m having trouble conceiving

love mercy marry wife husband

Assalaamu alaikum.

I am a 29 year old Muslim sister facing difficulties in my marriage life. I really love and care for my husband and I am always trying to make him happy but a lot of times I feel that he isn't trying hard enough to make me happy. First of all, I know that marriage is a commitment between husband and wife, where each person listens and respects each other's thoughts and feelings. A lot of times, I try out of my way to give my husband all the support he needs, but I admit, some times out of frustration I have said hurtful things to him because of his behavior.

I feel a lot of times he tries to order me around and he even said that if I did everything he says immediately, he would know that I really love him. I feel that his thinking of what love is, isn't correct. He has to understand that ordering me around isn't the way to talk to one's spouse, and if he needs something, it should be said kindly and sincerely. I am not his slave, but his wife. If he needs anything, I would gladly do it for him, but I will not be talked down to like I am under him or something.

My therapist (who is American) believes that what he is thinking is cultural since I was born in America and he was born in South Asia, but I feel it is not really Islamic thinking. Even though I was born in America, I have maintained my Islamic identity, and have avoided a lot of things I feel in America are not in tune with Islam.

In addition, my husband puts his relatives and friends way above me. I have no problem with him calling his relatives and friends because it is good to keep in contact with others, but he seems to put them WAY above me. I feel like he ignores me and is more interested in being with other people in his life.

Also, I feel I cannot share any of my feelings with him without him getting angry. One time, I was crying about how hurt I felt when one of my cousins did something wrong with me, and he immediately got angry with me and said that I always find fault with others and that I don't like anyone. What he is saying isn't true. I like to maintain my family relations, but they are not more important to me than my husband. I felt that I would get some emotional support from him, but instead, it leads to a BIG fight and then we both say bad things to each other.

I feel like he feels very strongly about family relations more than he feels strongly about me. He gets mad when anything is said against other people, like they are so important to him. I really don't understand this thinking. He even tried to pack his suit case and leave from the house when I tried to express my feelings about something that was troubling me about someone else. He said that if he had any relatives living nearby, he would go and live with them and leave me and this hurt me so much because he feels like they are more important than me.

I don't know what to do. I understand he is new to America (he's only been in this country for 7 months), but we are constantly arguing and fighting about little things. In terms of him finding a job, that has been a source of great difficultly in our marriage. I am doing everything for him, but he is doing nothing. He speaks English very well and even Americans compliment his English, but he has no confidence in his abilities. He speaks so many languages too and he had a good job before. However, it seems like he is scared to take the initiative to apply for a job. I am filling out all his job applications and doing everything for him! He even said to me that I am responsible for him finding a job because he is new to this country and doesn't know anything. Is that fair what he is saying? I don't think any wife has the responsibility to find a job for her husband. He has to do that himself!

Then he constantly gets depressed because he isn't getting any job offers, but he is scared to talk on the phone to the manager or whoever is hiring for the jobs he applies to, to market himself. He seems to have absolutely no confidence. In fact, he received a voicemail on his cell phone for a job interview, and I had to call the company for him. Then when I gave him the phone and told him to leave a message stating that he received their message and would be interested in setting up an interview, he got mad at me and hung up the phone and started yelling at me about why I gave him the phone to leave a message. How will anyone give him a job if he is afraid to speak for himself? I have tried everything to help him in his job search, even going to the library and printing out his resumes (why I am doing this, I don't know), and I even found so many resources from the librarian to help him successfully find a job, but he isn't trying anything and complaining that he can't get a job. I have respected his wish that I stay at home and maintain my family, but if he isn't trying to get a job, I will have to take that initiative.

However, I am facing personal problems which are preventing me from looking for work myself. I have important priorities in my life, and one of them is having children. People have told me to wait and establish a firm footing with my husband, but I will be 30 soon and time goes by quickly. I think I am getting old and I feel upset that me and my husband are constantly fighting, and time is going by, and we still don't have children. I have been married to him for 2 years! Unfortunately, it is me with the problem, and not him. I was diagnosed by my gyncecologist with a severe case of vaginismus, which is a female sexual disorder in which the vaginal muscles constrict due to anticipation of sexual pain. Because the muscles are unable to relax, sexual intercourse isn't possible which leaves both couples feeling frustrated and upset. I feel so bad about myself, but I know it isn't my fault. I am trying to treat this condition, but my husband is putting so much stress on me with his behavior, and I have tried so many times to talk to him about this, but he isn't willing to change. He keeps saying he will change, but it is only words, not actions.

I want to have a baby with him because I love him despite all the things he is doing with me, but I feel he isn't serious about his marriage life at all. I want a baby so much, and with all this fighting, time is just passing and I am still not pregnant. I have tried to treat vaginismus on my own through a self treatment program recommended by my gynecologist, but no success. I have a very severe case of vaginismus which I have suffered with all my life.

As you can see, I am under so much emotional stress and it is really affecting me. My husband never wants anyone to say anything bad against him and whenever I point any fault in him that I don't feel good about, he automatically tries to say something against me. I also don't like how he talks a lot of times. I feel he manipulates people and tries to maintain good relations with them so that no one can say anything bad against him. He uses people so that they can say that he is of good character and get their approval. However, when I try to point something wrong about him, he immediately says that no one will support me because everyone knows that he is of good character. I think that if he wants to be of good character he shouldn't try to use others to get them to say that he is good, but should instead try to always strive to be good to please Allah, not others.

When people see that he is good with his wife and is serious about his marriage, they will automatically say good things about him. However, if he is not trying to get a job, how will he support his family? I just feel he isn't taking on his responsibilities as a husband. I am trying so hard to achieve having a baby, but if he isn't trying his best to find a job, how will we support a baby? We can't depend on parents forever to help us.

Please tell me what to do! Is my husband's behavior acceptable, or am I wrong? I just don't know what to do and I am so sad about this. Your help would be much appreciated. We are living with my mother and father, but because we are constantly fighting, it is not only putting stress on our marriage, but on my parents as well.

What should be done about this situation? What do you suggest I should do? My husband prays five times a day, and tells me he is always praying for us to have a successful and happy married life, but just praying isn't enough. He has to take action to make his married life better. However, he is always making promises and just talking, but not doing anything.

Please advise me on how I should handle this matter because I do love and care about him very much, and I want our lives to be successful. I don't like how in America when things don't go right, couples resort to divorce. I feel this isn't the answer. There's always a solution in overcoming any difficulties in marriage.

Thank you.


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27 Responses »

  1. Sister i feel you are being a little hard on your husband, he's only been in the US for 7mts their are people born their who find it hard to apply and get a jobs in this day and age you need to easy up on not just him but yourself too, so much tension in your post, And your husband sounds like he does not like back-biting and talking of others faults that is a good characteristics to have,sister i have read nothing wrong in your post about your marriage just have sabr and say Allhamdulilah.

    • So you are saying that him ordering me around is okay? I don't think it is backbiting if I share how bad I feel with him about what someone did to me. Also, in terms of finding a job, I know it's tough in this economy and I also know it isn't easy for him since he's new to this country, but he does know how to use a computer and speak English very well so having me do all the work for him is unfair. He should also do his part too. I don't understand why you think it's not a major problem.

      • No sister i'm not saying its ok for him to do that it just seem that your rushing to judgement from what you've said you have been living together for just 7mths just give him more time to adjust must be a culture shock for him he sounds a little afraid of the situation but insha'Allah i hope he gets over it soon and Allah (swt) blesses you both with children. And as for talking about issues that effect your happiness then he is overreacting if he refuses to listen and let you vent,

  2. Hard to say what you should do. Seems that when ever you put your opinion out there you get scolded. Maybe you should give him an option. Either you work or he can work. Do you go out in social situations together? Maybe if he could get a job training program then it would be easier for him to get the job and be confident in himself.
    Also you should never be mad at the same time. Your marriage will never work out if you both are angry at each other at the same time and expressing it openly. You should never point out each others faults to each other. You are married. You should be his crutch as much as he should be yours. Catch him doing something right and tell him.

  3. We should be a team because marriage is team work, not one person doing everything and the other doing nothing. Also, we should be comfortable expressing our feelings to each other otherwise there are problems.

  4. Also, there is nothing wrong with pointing out faults. I do always tell him when he does something good for me, but things like ordering me around like I'm under him and expecting me to fill out job applications for him while he's relaxing and watching tv, is unacceptable. I guess you feel a man should always be treated like he is King of the Castle or something and a woman has to obey his every command at all costs is acceptable to you, but equal treatment and mutal respect are the key to successful marriages, which I feel are in tune with Islam. Without pointing out faults, no one can realize what they are doing wrong. So unlike you, I am not going to let him keep doing this with me because I want a happy marriage with him and I am determined to do something about it. Maybe where you're from, you just accept it and stay miserable. However, I love my husband and that is why I am doing everything I can to express how I feel with him, and if that doesn't work, I will seek other help because if one person is not feeling 100 percent, then despite how good the other person feels, the marriage will never be happy. I don't think I'm being hard on him at all. That's just your opinion. I am trying to make him a better person which is something good. Looks like women are always blamed for everything in some Islamic countries no matter whether the husband is doing right or wrong. However, I know what Islam really stands for and I already talked to an Imam, and my husband has certain incorrect thinking patterns that I hope through time, he will learn to change. However, I will never give up on him and I will always be a supportive and loving wife despite what you say.

    • Sister

      Im am by no means trying to imply that you are wrong... Maybe I was misunderstood. I have a link that might help.

      Not that this may help but I have a terrible situation with my husband.

      My husband and I have 2 daughters. One of which was born 7 weeks ago. We have been married for five years and I have still not met his 2 daughters from his previous marriage. He takes his ex-wife and children on vacations and will not answer the phone when I call. He says it is uncomfortable for him to be open with me when he is around them. He has not told his children that he has remarried and has other children nor has he told his ex. All of our arguements and fights are because of his ex and children. He picks his other daughters up from school and takes them to her house where he will spend the day. He takes his ex out for her birthday and she takes him out for his. Right now as I am writing this he is on his way back from a Spring Break Florida vacation with them. While I was pregnant, he took them on a 14 day Europe cruise, stayed at her house over night because his daughter was sick and bought her a 2011 Lexus.
      I am also a convert, but not because of him. My father converted and guided me.
      He says he loves me, and that I am the type of person he has always seen himself with. I cook three fresh meals a day, clean, take our daughter to school and pick her up, Breast feed our infant, i never speak louder than a normal monotone when we argue, I never tell him no when he wants to be intimate, and I help with the business.
      He has no complaints against me.He tells me I am the perfect wife except I need to mind my own business. I went to the court house and got copies of their divorce papers, so there isnt any doubt that she divorced him.
      I believe that Allah brought this situation to me, for a good reason, and will not put anything in my path that I am not strong enough to handle. I find my complete happiness with my children. When he makes me cry I remember the good he has done.
      I am 20yrs younger than he is, and he says he does not want to lose me, but it got a little to much to handle. I went to the Imam and asked for advice, and he stated that I could not divorce religiously without having proof of what my husband is doing unless I am willing to give back my dowery.

      You have to make Allah happy and then yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect, love and kindness. No man or woman has the right to hurt you. You are a strong woman. It may hurt you to be away from him, but it may hurt worse to be with him. If you leave you will not have to put up with the emotional, or verbal abuse ever again which you never deserved. You love him and you may cry for a couple of months when he isnt in your life any more but your tears will not be as big, and they will fade once you find how to be happy with yourself again. Trust yourself with yourself. You can be and feel amazing when you dont have weights on your soul.
      I love my husband to. Very much, but I have to think of my children. I stay very kind to him no matter what.

      I believe that you have to live and love your own lives and love and respect the life your partner lives. But if you cannot then you should not be together.

    • Sister...
      I know what you're feeling, trust me, I've been married for nearly two years now and believe it or not, my husband did the EXACT SAME THINGS that you described, I read your story and felt like it was coming from me. I'm not American but I'm close enough, I was born and raised in Canada and my husband is from South Asia as well. And mine also puts VERY GREAT importance on his family members...we were fighting constantly as well but I figured something out, it may or may not work for you as well but here's my advice for you. I adore my husband more than anybody on this planet. But, you have to act indifferent to him....I know it's hard, trust me though, do as he asks and says but back off from him a little bit. Don't show him that you love him as much as you do...I know it sounds strange, my husband called me a desperate psycho with the amount of attention I'd give him, my 24/7 would be dedicated to him and only him, I slept with him, woke up with him, at work I'd be messaging him ALL DAY LONG, my life revolved around him and only him. But, I've backed off, I only message him if he does first, I talk to him when he talks to me, otherwise I do my own thing, and this has actually made my husband stop calling me the names he was calling me and has actually made HIM more affectionate and loving towards me....I can't even remember the last time he smiled at me and made a joke with me, that's how bad it became, we would be on the together for HOURS and would never say a word to eachother, but now he jokes with me and laughs with me and tells me that he loves me on his own without me saying it....
      I may not be giving the absolute best advice, and others may disagree with me but this is what worked for me when I was going through what you're going through. I'm even the one who filled out HIS papers for sponsorship because he didn't want to, everything he needs, I did, now he does what he should be doing on his own and if he needs help, then I help otherwise he does it on his own. Bottom line is just try to back away a little bit, don't go astray from him but just don't be so attached...

  5. dear Islamic girl ,


    your husbands behaviour is completely wrong and unacceptable. he is WRONG . all those above who are trying to place the blame on you are also wrong in my opinion.

    your husband is behaving as a five year ole child who doesbt know anything in life. 7 months in a country is a long time to adjust specially if he is not struggling with degree and language. i tink he is just taking you forgranted.

    STOP doing things for him that he is capable of doing himself. in my experience i have tried helping men in my family( my brother, brother in law , friends) they all take it forgranted if you do the donkey work for them. you should also not take the responsibility of running the home finanacially. make him sit in the driving seat and you take a back seat for a while. see what he does. as thankless and immotivated he sounds by your post , most likely he will again place the blame on you. talk to family members.

    peole like him who are good for nothing always try to behave that that they are soooooo good and pious and will always try to be extra nice to others ( friends and family like you have explained) .

    i dont know whats he solution to your problem, iam not mariied so not the best one to answer. but i know that such men can be a burden all your life not a companion that one expects in a marriage.

    last advise, DONT have children with him , till he mends his ways.

    may Allah show you the right way. ameen.

  6. dear sister,

    it is defintaly wrong about him ordering you around just give him time, try to make him listen to the lectures on how he should treat his wife theres many on youtube i hope inshallah allah blesses you with many boys and girls. i want kids as well its hard for me too. and i hope inshallah all your problems fade away just pray to allah to make you a happy couple. please dont get a divorce i hope allah guides him and the whole ummah on the wright path ameen.
    sister your in my duas ill pray inshallah
    hope it works out.

  7. Thank you all for your support. I'm glad some of the other Muslim sisters realize that this behavior is unacceptable. I hope with time, he will change, but I will never resort to divorce because there is a lot of good in him. I feel that people are too quick to resort to divorce without trying to do all they can to make the situation better and there's always a solution to any problem. I think a lot of the things he is doing is based on cultural differences and perhaps he is insecure and scared about being in a new country, which is understandable. I am always trying to build his confidence which is really the only thing holding him back from getting a job. However, this economy is definitely tough and unemployment rates are at an all time high. He will have to work harder to find a job, but having me do all the work for him, is just wrong. His confidence and self-esteem will always remain low if he expects me to do everything for him.

    I plan on seeking the advice of an Islamic counselor to find a middle ground in resolving this matter. I am already seeing slow changes in him because he really does love me too and he's always telling me he wants to make me happy. I just feel that sometimes he only says he wants to make me happy, but doesn't take any action. If you desire to achieve something, you have to take appropriate action to make it happen. I also think that some of the things he learned growing up in his country are not Islamically based, but rather, culturally based. I am originally from South Asia as well, but I was born in America. I know very well what the expectations are of women from my parents' country of origin, and I know that there is a lot of unequal treatment and disrespect. It is definitely not coming from an Islamic perspective.

    In terms of my problems conceiving a child, this is definitely causing me great distress. I love children with all my heart and this problem of not being able to have sex due to vaginismus, is very depressing and discouraging. I have tried self-treatment through the advice of my gynecologist, but with no success. I don't exactly know what I have to do next and I am always praying to Allah to find an answer for me. I know I will make a great mother if given the chance, and I believe my husband will make a great father, he just needs to make some adjustments in his thinking, which will take some time. Otherwise, he is a great person and I hope through making him see the error in some of his beliefs and behaviors, he will become the best person he can possibly be and a wonderful father one day when this problem of vaginismus is successfully conquered.

    Sister Ameena, I just want to say that if I were in your shoes, I would never have married someone who was previously married and has children with his ex-wife, because most likely, his feelings could change and he could try to establish a connection again with his ex-wife. You just don't know what could happen, and I would want to be the first and only woman in my husband's life. However, I am not trying to judge you and I understand you are going through a difficult time. It is unacceptable that he is spending so much time with his ex-wife, and if I were you, I wouldn't tolerate it. You are NOW his wife, and he has responsibilities toward you and your children, not toward his ex-wife. I hope you continue praying to Allah to relieve you from this awful situation and I hope, inshallah, things are happier and brighter for you because Allah never meant for life and marriage to be full of sadness and misery. You have to speak openly with your husband and take action, letting him know how much it hurts you that he is maintaining a loving relationship with his ex-wife and totally leaving you out in the cold. You don't deserve this. If he's not willing to accept this, then I suggest you seek help from an Imam or Islamic counselor to find out what can be done about this.

    Please everyone pray for me because I am so determined to succeed in my marriage and in my other goals in life, like conceiving children. Take care. Allah Hafiz.

  8. Islamicgirl:

    What your husband is doing is simply unacceptable. You should not be searching job for him.

    He is probably suffering from social anxiety disorder. I used to suffer from form it. Like before going to a career networking event or an interview, I would get nervous ridiculously. But the only thing that kept me going was my self-esteem and integrity. I mean being a male, I always wanted to earn myself and depend on my own.

    And you know what? You anxiety and nervousness have a limit. Yes, you will be nervous at the beginning. I messed up many interviews. But there came a point when suddenly all the nervousness went away. I said to myself, "What this nervousness is giving me? Nothing!" Since I was losing everything by being nervous, then came the realization that I had nothing to lose anymore. So I became confident and out of His mercy, Allah blessed me with a job.

    The key thing here is your husband will have to take the initiative and go out to cure this anxiety disorder. If you do things for him, he will remain where he is now.

    When I look back and try to understand why I would get nervous, I attribute it to my unability to answer what I wanted to do with my degree. That aimlessness was the reason for my nervousness. Because the world of job is tough and here you have to define what you want. Neither the employers nor our degrees will do that for us. Once we know what we want, we can easily shrug off our anxieties and nervousness and can talk confidently with employers.

    So may be you can sit with your husband and try to understand what he is looking for. Does he actually know what he is looking for?

    And you know, I still did not develop what I actually want to do in my life. This is a continuous process and it is actually very difficult to define that. That is why it is important that we reamin vigilant over our duties to Allah, always obey him and seek His help and guidance. And we have to 'hang in there.' If you hang in, do hard work, and put your trust and hope in Allah, inshallah He will one day help you find what you want to do.

    And even if you do not find out what you really like to do, it should not be a big deal. Because at the end of the day, this life is all about gaining provisions for the hereafter. As long as I am on my own, I am tremendously grateful to Allah, even if I am not satisfied with my job but satisfied regarding my obedience to Allah and His Messenger (S).

    So, may be you should give this advice to your husband and hopefully it will help.

  9. I agree with stranger what you are doing is not justified, he has to struggle to find a job. U don't have to do things in his place, let him to do things by himself. U just have to give him the moral support because that is true it takes time ( economical situation is getting worst day by day).

    Being a girl it took me 8 months to find a job, and I found it because I wanted to do a job as quickly as possible.
    Looking for a job is a stressful thing, and I think ur husband is stressed and that's why even printing or talking on phone are source of anxiety. As u r telling he has worked before and he speaks english very well, so I think doing a job isn't a problem but finding one is.Probably he should do courses that will help him to find a methodology in order to get a job. I don't know from which country he comes from, but looking for a job don't require the same energy in all countries.Looking for a job is also a job,and in this period u need peaple to increase ur confidence and not a person who repeat all the day u r not doing anything to find a job.

    As far as ur case is concerned, I think u should breath and relax. 2 years is not a big deal, I know peaple around me who get pregnant after 8 years, don't lose faith, put ur trust in Allah and pray. Only Allah knows the best moment when it has to come. I think u see evrything negatively, u r lucky to have a husband who pray, who is attached to his family because it proves he will be attached to his own family too.U r lucky to be married because at 30 there are still woman who don't have found someone to live with. U r lucky that ur living with ur husband because I know women whose husband doesn't want to come abroad.U r lucky in so many ways my dear.

  10. Sister Fatima, I thank you for your response, but I have always tried to support him and instill confidence in him, but he never appreciates it. I am very patient and understanding with him, but he doesn't want to do anything at all. I understand he is a nervous person (I used to be too), but I always tried to get help for it and develop confidence by facing my fears. He isn't interested in doing anything. I think he is very weak and doesn't want to try anything. It's very hard for me to do everything for him because I am not super woman. I also have other things to do around the house and responsibilties. I do know that finding a job, especially in this country, is EXTREMELY stressful, but now he finally got a job, and didn't even once say thank you to me for helping him get it. Instead, he uses it to go over my head and says I DEPEND on him for everything so that he can control me. This is the last straw. I don't want to be in this situation where he feels I am dependent on him and he can disrespect me and take advantage of me. I see how it affected my mother's marriage and she is very unhappy and believes crazy things like Jannat lies at your husband's feet despite how many wrongs he does to you...whatever. I don't believe in any of these lies because I know men and women are EQUAL and Jannat lies in treating each other fairly with love and respect. I think I should delay on kids because our marriage is very STRAINED and I don't want him to turn my kids against me since he has already turned my mother against me by his manipulative behavior. Usually, people with nervous problems don't do that. They tend to be taken advantage by others. However, I am the victim here, not him. So I disagree with you when you say that I am ungrateful. I believe that marriage should be about trust and mutual self-respect, something he doesn't understand. He expects that everyone should do everything for him since he's been babied all his life. Also, just because he prays and is close with his family, doesn't mean he will be a good husband. There are plenty of men like that (my father included), and they treat their wives horribly. I think you are the one with incorrect thinking and negativity, sister Fatima. I think you feel like men should be always catered to, but the truth is, they are equal to us. I think you need to reevaluate your beliefs about marriage. Maybe you are from one of those backward cultures too?

  11. Assalam alaikum sister islamicgirl28,

    I have read your posts including the most recent one. I don't think I can solve your problems which I believe to be genuine, but I think I can suggest a few things that will be useful to you.

    I have been where you have been and sometimes in an even worse place, but I am not going to get into it. One thing I learnt about coming on this site is how much pain there is in the world. Without trying to convince you what I have been through, I'll ask you to believe me so we don't waste time and keep the focus on you.

    I think you are searching for validation meaning you want the world to see what you are going through. You over explain a lot of things, which I used to want to do, and you are bursting inside.

    Dealing with men from back home requires techniques none of which involve yelling, crying, and drama. The way they are brought up is completely different-they don't know how to calm their wives and be emotional supports. The way I see it, you have two choices. Stay with him or leave him. If you stay with him, you are going to have to be very very disciplined and trying to make him "see" isn't going to work. You have to decide what you are going to do in terms of your duties towards him, do them like a job, and strictly follow it. When you feel like you can't bear it (keeping in mind you have decided to stay with him), you have to start to recite Quran or du'a or even repeat the name of Allah. I often read just Allah's name over and over and over again. Also, you could read "Allah humma rabee yasir wa la tho asir" which means Oh Allah make it easy for me, not difficult.

    As I said, you only have two choices, stay or leave. And work with a plan. To deal with your emotions, don't depend on him to settle them, you have to learn to do that. Don't go to a non-Muslim therapist unless you really think it is beneficial. Reach out to Allah constantly. When Shaitaan tells you that you don't deserve this and whispers all sorts of things into your heart and brain, begin your plan of attack by reciting Allah's name and reach out to him. It will cool your heart, I can reassure you. Start small, where you can focus. You have to begin genuinely loving yourself and understand that Allah loves you way more than you can comprehend.

    Don't worry about what others think, don't' worry about getting validation from anyone. You should know that Allah sees you all the time and that He has a plan for you and that a good reward beyond your imagination awaits you if you remain steadfast and keep on track. You can get your validation from Allah. Sometimes we go through these trials because Allah wants us to realize that He alone can be our source of peace and that from Him alone should we make expectations. We might think we believe these things, but truly it is a life long journey and words and thoughts are not enough.

    Don't get upset with anyone on this forum for what they wrote--sometimes it is hard to understand when we read just one part or you may have come across in a way that you didn't mean to. Just stay focused on your success in this world and the next. InshaAllah, it will work out, but it requires a lot more work from you and some tough-decision making. May Allah bring peace in your life in your family matters as this trial is in any way easy especially when it involves mother and husband. Take care, and may you get the best. Ameen.

  12. Salam islamicgirl28

    first of all I need to tell you that backbiting is everything bad that you are talking about people EVEN if it is true (Someone drinks alcohol on his own and you go to someone and tell him that he is drinking alcohol). But if you lie about a person then is much worst. Therefore your husband has a good chrarcter. Aha but backbiting is allowed if the person you talk about is wroning someone else like he drinks alcohol and he never prays and now he want to get married. The married women or whatever asks the people around if he does pray or drinks alcohol and the people MUST tell the true: They must say : He was used to drink alcohol for many years and made repentance and now he doesn't drink anymore and I know that he one time didn't pray and for two days he is praying. The same thing for virginity and other stuff.

    "He the cheater is none of us"

    You dont want your relatives talk bad about you if you are away.

    Second :

    Your problem is communication. You use your mouth for backbiting but not for your relationship. Sorry Sister but I need to say to you even if I will hurt you. You are backbiting about your husband while just tell him that he's a bad person and so on. Imagine that your husband would write an article like " My wife is disobeying me"

    Sorry Sister but have some more love for your husband and be 100 % honest and tell him that you need support of him and that his words he is saying will hurt you. And tell him that you wrote this article and you are a 100% sorry because you did this. Then I would like you both go for counseling and talk out everything with being 100 % honest and not 99.99 %. So every problem can be solved and you both will gain a happy marriage Insallah.

    And do you know how much you will hurt him when you are promptly divorcing him. Dont be an .....
    and tell him what you exactly want from him and tell him that you want him to be honest too and so you can get along....

  13. i am a muslim maried women u got married b4 1 year. bfore tat i had boyfrnd who cheated on me. by sayin he ll marry me and comitted zina with me. am really asamed of it. i want to seek forgiveness for allah. i knw there is no forgiveness fro that sin but form heart i want punishment.. i stay in india so hetre no punish ment for such sin. am suffering so much after that. ma husbaND KNW EVERYTHING ABT MA PAST AND HE ACCEPTED ME . I THANK MA HUSBAND. nw plz help me wat i can do to sek forgiveness.. help me pls.

    • Salaams,

      If you make tawbah and sincerely repent for what you've done, and make intentions not to do it again, you can believe that Allah forgives you. Sometimes people continue to feel guilty about a sin even after they have repented and have been forgiven, but this is just a feeling of remorse. It's not proof of unforgiveness.

      -Amy Editor

  14. salam
    thanks for reply. this sin is big sin where there is no forgivness. some tome i feel like killin ma self.. is tat correct desicion. am feelin so guilty. if i talk to ma husband he says foeget it. its not tat much easy.. i cant leave with tat helpless.. plz say me one sura where i get peace to ma mind.. help me. am in confusion.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      Al-Quran [39:53]

      Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."

      Do not limit Allah's Mercy as it is Greater than all things, even shaitaan's evilness and our sins. We cannot even fathom Allah's Mercy, Justice and Punishment. It is better to correct our ways than to conclude and think upon matters that are alone Allah's decision because of His Wisdom which we do not have.

      Ensure you do not repeat the sin.
      Keep feeling remorse and guilt for it.
      Do not even think about committing sin, because this will be a sin upon sin and it is a waswasa from shaitaan.
      Do good and have mercy on others.
      May Allah swt forgive us all for our sins, Ameen.

      • I meant to write:

        Do not even think about committing suicide, because this will be a sin upon sin and it is a waswasa from shaitaan.

  15. am thankfull for u people for making up ma mind and showing me a good way.. allah hafiz.

  16. Salam alykum

    I wanted to respond to the original post as Ive been (and somehow still) in the same boat as islamic girl 28. Im worried that its too late as the post is from 2012- I wonder if the editor can share my email with her as Ive managed few things including treatment from vaginismus after few years of therapy and alhmdulillah we recently had our first child.

    Jazakum Allah Khairan

  17. I have a submitted a post 2 weeks ago but it's still pending.Why is it?

  18. Zawaj user, I am still struggling to have children. My husband still is acting immature and depends on me for everything. I know I am answering late in April 2015, but please try to give me your email so that I can contact you. I hope you read this. I am having so much problems with my husband after 5 years of marriage. He still doesn't want to get a better job and depends on me for everything, like resume writing and citizenship. He barely gets intimate with me. It's really hard. We are still living in my parents house for 5 years of marriage. It is just ridiculous how he refuses to get a better job. I recently got a part-time job so I'm hoping he will learn to be more independent. Now, he is in this country for 5 years and he still acts like he is new here and it is my responsibility for everything. It's ridiculous!

    I hope we can communicate via email. Please send me your email because I am so stressed over marriage and am no longer getting my menstrual cycles. I am afraid I will never have children at this rate and that me and my husband will always be low-income living with parents. Hope to hear from you soon!

    • A child will not solve your problems if anything it will complicate the situation further if you really have tried everything: talking, explaining, involving elders and still there is no change perhaps you need to consider whAt Is best for yoursrlf. I hate to suggest divorce as I really do see it as a last option so I would urge you to think very carefully as this seems like your only way out

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