Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my husband’s brother

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Salam alaykom,
I am married and i love my husband's brother.

My first question is, if i am feeling this way, should i just get a divorce from my husband?

I know it is not haraam (sin) to marry my husband's brother, after my iddah(waiting period) is complete, but is this a trashy custom?

Please, if you could give me any english advice along with any arabic finding, would be appreciated.

But please, let me explain my situation so i can get advice from you clearly.

My husband and i met in america.
I found out he cheated on me with web camera and chatting.

I stayed with him because he said he didn't do it.

Well we ended up coming to Jordan, and here is where it all starting falling apart.

In our marriage contract, he said he had a house in jordan...
This was not true.

Then he said he would fix the rooms that we stay in in his mother's basement.

Well, he did not fix it yet. He has sworn to allah at least 20 times about when he will fix it. I have been waiting two years, and still there is nothing.

His family knows we argue very much about his lying and me not having a suitable home,,and they just fix their own house instead.

Well, since we all live together, in the same house. My husband began neglecting me BUT his brother was always there. Making me laugh and literally lifting me out of my sorrows.

I have never told him i love him, or vise versa. But i do. I did tell my husband i love his brother, and he just thinks it is a joke. I have loved my husband's brother for 3 years now.

Am i wrong? You know, i tried going back to america, and then trying to forget him,,but then i had these dreams. Its like every time i tried forgetting him, he just came back full force.

Please help me,
Jazek allah hihrun.
realdeallova

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18 Responses »

  1. No sister u r doing wrong with yourself. U have to b with ur husband don't show insincerity. Look ur brother inlaw doesn't love u he z only showing sympathy and u r considering it love. It is not love only a signal of emotional care. His brother has his own life, I will suggest u to don't hurt ur husband, may b infuture he will able to give u all what he has promised. U want divorce only for the sake of material things. Yes for life it z important but the relation with ur husband is most important talk to him ur needs and ur emotions share with him. Compromise with him.

    May Allah guide u. May he give u strength to acpt reality.

  2. As-salamu Alaykum Sister,

    As someone who has lived in Jordan for a long time, I would like to advise you to start getting involved with the American Muslim community there. There are several classes and gatherings for English-speaking women, and I think it would be helpful for you to meet other women around you. It is a great community, and your eeman will be lifted by having good Muslim friends and acquaintances, which is something you need in order to deal with your other problems. Even if you ultimately end up seeking divorce and leaving Jordan, it would be worthwhile to make such friendships.

    As for the stuff regarding your BIL:

    Here is a great quote from a blog I sometimes read:
    http://sadaffarooqi.com/2009/03/04/the-joint-family-system-in-islam-challenges-and-solutions/

    First a hadeeth:

    It was narrated from Uqbah Bin Amir [may Allah be pleased with him] that Allah’s Messenger [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said, “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from the Ansar said, “O Messenger of Allah! What about the in-law?” He said, “The in-law is death.”
    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim]

    Commenting on this hadeeth, the blog author states the following:

    Now, I don’t think “death” is something we Muslims would ever laugh or joke about. In order to understand this with an analogy: imagine a situation in which death is close to you e.g. if you are in a room several floors high in a building, and one side is open and un-walled, with no barricade to stop you from falling over. How would you approach that edge of the room? Would you walk towards it casually, laughing and joking, unconcerned? Or would you approach it carefully, with a wary eye constantly on the edge, ensuring you do not get too close to it?

    Think about it, Sister, and do whatever it takes in order to distance yourself from this temptation. You are playing with fire and do not seem to realize how dangerous your behavior is. Even if you were divorced from your husband and supposedly "halal" for your brother-in-law, this is not a relationship that could ever work out. The family would be scandalized and the end would likely be very bad for everyone involved. This is not a culture that take betrayal lightly, and you are deceiving yourself in a major way to think that you could ever marry your husband's brother. Read the above article to understand more regarding the many mistakes people make regarding their in-laws.

    My advice is to take a deep breath and start over with your husband to see whether you guys can repair your marriage. Make a list of issues you are having and decide which items are deal-breakers and which ones can be compromised on. Then start the process of repair, issue-by-issue.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    This is a recipe for disaster, and more in keeping with those trashy chat shows than with actual reality.

    Rather than longing for your brother-in-law, try to fix your relationship with your husband, and keep away from temptation. Realistically, even if you were to divorce your husband and complete your 'iddah, the kind of guy who'd marry his brother's ex-wife probably isn't the kind of guy you'd want to marry - if he is a decent man, then the brother is likely to keep away from a situation that could destroy his relationship with his brother, not to mention the rest of the familiy.

    It sounds like things have been tricky for you and your husband, but if he is a pious man and of good character, it's worth trying to resolve your differences. Has he repented for the mistakes in his past? Has he changed his ways and sincerely apologised for upsetting you? If so, try to look at the situation as it is now, and find ways to make it better.

    If you don't like the rooms you are staying in, and your husband hasn't had time to decorate or fix them up, is that something the two of you could do together, or pay someone to do? If you don't like living in the basement rooms, look for an alternative - maybe a small flat for the two of you. You mention that you feel your husband neglects you - if this is due to him working long hours, you could explain to him that you would rather have a bit less money and more time to spend with him.

    If you do decide to divorce your husband, do it because the two of you have tried and been unable to resolve your differences. Don't divorce him because you desire his brother - that's not going to end well for anyone.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    Assume for a moment that what you want is what you get, do you think, even for a moment, that your now-husband wouldn't cross your mind? Do you think it would be easy or easier or practical to move forward with such a step?

    Your brother-in-law may be supportive to you, but the both of you shouldn't be spending any time alone. The bottom line is that no matter who you are with or what is going on in your life, a trial or temptation will come along and it is our job to avoid it all costs. You see a lot of negatives in your husband and many positives in your brother-in-law, but this is what you choose to see. If you truly can't live with your husband and you have legitimate grounds to end the marriage, that is another story, but to try to get married to your husband's brother is a bad idea.

    Your situation is a perfect example of why joint-family systems are a cultural example that stir up many problems.

    I hope that you focus 110% of your energy on your husband and build your relationship. Yes, he has faults, but try to resolve the issues you both have and if after your best shot, nothing improves, then consult with your family and Imam, do Isthikhara, but do not even think about starting up another relationship--this is just shaitaan interfering with your thoughts.

    May Allah bless your marriage with many joys, Ameen.

  5. Salaam sister,

    It sounds like there is a lot of influence from the devil. Clearly your husband is doing all the wrong things and not giving you the respect you deserve and his brother is giving you too much attention, both are wrong. You defintly should not divorce your husband to get married to his brother!! Why don't you discuss your issues with your husband, stop contact with your brother in law because he is a distraction from shaytaan. Try marriage counselling, speaking to an Imaam or an independent yet reliable third party who can help you both fix your problems.

    If there is any way in which you can both seperate and love away from family even for a short period that would be ideal, so you can both work on your issues and spend quality time together. don't give up on your marriage before trying absolutely evrything you possibly can to save it, and defintly do not break your marriage to marry your brother in law - that's the devil playing tricks on your mind.

    Pray to Allah swt and ask Him for guidance for both you and your husband. Concentrate on developing your relationship with Allah and try to help your husband do the same. Focus on your husband and nobody else.
    If your still not happy, get your family involved explain to them the issues you have with your husband and see if they can help. The last resort I guess would be divorce, but not so that you can marry your brother in law !

  6. OP: I have never told him i love him, or vise versa. But i do. I did tell my husband i love his brother, and he just thinks it is a joke. I have loved my husband's brother for 3 years now.

    Some time you don't have to say "I love you". Your eyes and body language can say it all.
    Don't be alone with your brother in law.

    You love your brother in law because he is a man you like and not because he is your brother in law.

  7. Ok.

    You're neglected, and your brother in law is just being nice. Men aren't like women... they can get close without feeling love. Women fall into that trap too fast. I'd be careful not to mistake kindness for love.
    Also, remember that if you do take the step of divorcing your husband, and then turn around and approach your brother in law, you will surely put him in an embarrassing situation from which he will run or hide, but surely he will be afraid of protecting his own reputation. He wouldn't want to be the guy who broke his brothers marriage. He also wouldn't want to be the brother that broke a family, as surely his parents and other people would consider it inappropriate, confusing and "trashy" as you said, yes.
    If your brother in law isn't yet married, surely he has to protect his reputation so that he will find a good woman, and so a woman's family won't reject him based on his past behaviour.
    So taking the step towards what you want doesn't mean you will get it, and in fact if you do love your brother in law and not your husband, then you must understand how much damage you can do to the rest of his life by attempting such a thing.
    I'm a woman, but I'm not "bunny foo foo" like other girls. I can tell you that this type of story NEVER ends with a woman happy, new husband, kids, happy life, etc. etc. Call it inappropriateness, call it karma... have you ever heard of someone robbing a bank and then putting their kids through college with the money? No.
    You may not think you're doing anything wrong, or that you're a victim. In some ways you are a victim. You shouldn't have been lied to. It's wrong that he told you he had a house and he didn't. A woman has every right to want accommodation. There's nothing wrong with wanting a house, apart from your inlaws, etc. But if you're a victim then you have the choice to stay or leave. Not to move emotionally to your husbands brother. That's just not an option.
    If your inlaws don't understand or can't process the reasons why you're upset, then they're just not compatible with your thinking. This happens all the time... people are always marrying into families that for some reason or other just aren't compassionate towards their needs, or have their ideas of what they want misaligned with yours. This is much harder to deal with in the east than it is in America because culturally and in almost every other way, women are independent, they don't lose "value" when they divorce, they "date" their prospective partners and know what they're getting into, often even sexually. People like to know what they're dedicating their lives to. There's no sense of honour with marrying a person who's a stranger in such important ways, because often the damage of living with, moving with, and having children with a man who turns out to be all wrong for you is worse than the damage of not being a virgin or being exposed to the concept of dating, etc.
    You've been exposed to both cultures as have I. I'm caucasian, married to a middle eastern man. I went and saw his home before we married. I didn't play any games... I might have been muslim, but I wasn't about to play russian roulette with men hoping to get lucky and not get a liar.

    Your choices are:
    1. Decide you love your husband, stop associating with your brother in law and start repairing your marriage by both being nice, and finding an appropriate way to get your husband to get moving on getting you guys a house. You can't live in your inlaws basement for the same reason two "sister wives" can't live together... like my mother said, there can only be 1 queen in a castle.

    2. Decide you don't and never will love your husband, stop associating with your soon to be ex-brother in law and leave Lebanon for the states, get a divorce (The states doesn't care about Islamic marriage, it means nothing legally and it only takes one of the pair, regardless of which the wife or the husband, to make a divorce happen. There's no being "stuck" in a marriage or held hostage because you're "just a woman". We have equal power here so you have no excuses if you chose not to stay. Your only other choice is to leave.

    3. Decide you love both your husband and your brother in law, but can only have one so leave your husband and go to your BIL and watch him freak out and run off in the interest of not becoming outcast by his family as a "home wrecker", at which case you will have neither one and should have chosen option #2

    4. Decide you don't and never will love your husband, and so leave him for your BIL in which case he will most likely respond as I've mentioned, running away from the whole messy situation, disgracing yourself and forcing you to go back to the states to escape being branded as a "trashy" woman where you will divorce and yet again be back to square 1.

    So basically no matter what you choose, unless you chose to repair your marriage, you will end up divorced in the states. If you actually CAN get your BIL to be with you, there's no way you guys will be able to live in peace around his family. They will brand you guys a horrible pair birthed from the divorce of an innocent brother, and you guys will have to move away, and it probably will destroy his relationship with his family which you will never hear the end of especially when he wants to see his mom, or you guys have kids, or you guys need help. He'll end up with the perspective that the relationship was the worst decision he ever made if you two aren't ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for each other, because the sacrifice will be larger than the reward, ....

    and this is all ASSUMING he loves you and isn't just trying to cheer you up.
    You're really just assuming yourself into a hole, in a country you don't belong,
    with a man you don't love who has lied to you,
    and another man who's delighted to be your object of affection
    without actually committing to anything and never could because the idea of stealing your brothers wife is gross.

    Your choice I guess.

    • Well-said, maa shaa Allah.

    • u have valid points sister but honestly even people who date have marital problems and that is far much worse!u sin by dating and still dont get the 'real deal'.
      choose a man for what we were advised by our Prophet s.a.w .

      The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has told us of the qualities to be found in the man who is suitable for marriage which may be summed up in two characteristics: Religious commitment and Good character. These two characteristics, in sha Allaah, will guarantee good and happiness for the spouses and their children. A man one who is religiously committed will take care of her rights and he will do what Allaah has commanded him to do towards her and her children. He will encourage her to do good and obey Allaah, and will warn her against evil and sin.

      His good character will prevent him from mistreating her, and will make him continue to treat her well; if he dislikes one characteristic in her, he will be pleased with another, so he will be patient in putting up with any crookedness in her nature which Allaah has created in her, and if he wants to leave her he will do so in a kind manner and will give her her rights.

      so marital problems is not an excuse to date or encourage dating.we have been told not to go near to Zinnah.A woman should be cautious,use her male relatives to find out about the man who has expressed interest in her or seek advice from religious elders like imam of the local muslim community.After that Istikhara is essential and after taking all these necesarry precautions put your trust in Allah.whatever befalls you is part of the test and if it ever happens take the necesarry islamic steps to try and resolve the issues.Bottom line, there is no ProblemProof Marriage,the best thing to do is avoid putting your relationship with Allah in problems while you are at it and be patient.

  8. I think sister you will be going from one mess to another. My sincere advice to you would be to focus on ur husband and try to make things work. If you are truly unhappy and don't see a future with your husband then leave respectfully.

  9. Shame on you!

    only lame excuses, i dont like the rooms blah blah, you are giving reasons to prove yourself right. you are thinking vulgar.

    you want to sleep with his brother? means sex? legs opening just think about it, shameless person

    • Why you are describing that act .legs opening and all ..I think it should be avoided .

      • Sis,
        Salam. Let's get to the point. You are not wrong in feeling human. Humans require shelter, food, water, air, and love which includes sex, depending upon the relationship. Humans often go to people who feel that there is love and acceptance.

        However, wanting your brother in law, in spite of his kindness, can prove to be DEADLY.

        I have read read your letter and sympathize with you. Dealing with a husband's infidelity and incompetence can take its toll on anyone. Your husband is the bread winner. It is his OBLIGATION to be a man and earn for his family and to show affection and support for his wife. He is clearly not doing that, judging by your letter.

        I can not say what your brother in law's intention is. I dont know him after all. But I'm URGING you to keep your distance. Even if you do have to get a divorce from your husband, because he did not do his duty, DO NOT try to get into a marriage with your brother in law, even if it is considered ok in Islam.

        You know the scandal you WILL face. You know how you WILL be treated. There is a great chance that your brother in law [if you marry him] may throw the fact, that you left your husband for him, in YOUR face. After all, if you [please dont get offended sis.] lusted after one man, and what can stop you from doing it to another?? If you can do it WITH someone, you can do it TO someone. I once again apologize.

        You came here for help. Thats the first sign that you want to make things better and want to get yourself out of this potentially dangerous situation.

        Most of these chowder heads are basically placing the responsibility upon YOU to make things better. But they forget that a marriage is of TWO people. And BOTH people need to work at the marriage, not just one. You can't make things better unless your hubby is willing to help. If he does not...You have TWO choices....either stay with him for the sake of having the "TITLE" of being married of GET OUT of the marriage.

        Your husband is at fault because he is not doing his job. He is not providing shelter or affection for you and your kids. What else do you expect to happen? Humans go to where they feel they will be cared for. and Your brother in law appears to be loving.

        But let me tell you this...ALL men seem charming from a distance. The minute you get close enough you WILL see your brother in law and all his NUMEROUS faults. We ALL have them.

        Right now all you see are his good points. When you get close enough...you will see a new side to him...and you WONT like it.

        A lot of the "Muslims" here will HATE me for saying this, but IDGAF, Im going to say them anyway....LORELI LEE please take note:

        Put religion aside....You will be miserable on earth if you dont get yourself together and strong. You will suffer hypocrisy here only to go on to the next world and deal with the issues there.

        PLEASE once again, try to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Wait till he's not busy and in a relaxed mood. Talk to him softly, yet seriously. and point blank tell him the issues. If he still is being an ass...resort to strong methods...silent treatment. Speak only to when spoken. Otherwise be silent. If he tries to kiss you...dont let him. If he wants sex, abstain....do what you need to get your point across. He has to see you mean business. He will most likely take you seriously if you are serious.

        If he still does not budge, get your elders involved. His elders too. Bring in a mulana if you have to. Do whatever you can.

        AND if an elder tries to scold you, make you feel guilty, DONOT CRY! you are trying to fix the situation. Keep the marriage together. Look at them with a dry face, square in the eye and say, "No I am trying to keep the marriage strong and together. I am sharing my concerns with my husband, but he won't listen...." Keep a calm strong tone. Do not shout, do not curse. Keep a strong eye and your back straight. I know the elders will try to talk over you...dont let them do it.

        IF an elder says, "I DONT WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR NONSENSE...BLAH BLAH...." cross your arms, give them a fiery stare, sit up straight and say, "...until someone listens to me...I will not do anything else. I will not cook, I will not clean...I will do those things, ONLY AND ONLY when someone listens to my concerns." If they try to talk over you, shake your head and say, "Until you listen to me...I won't listen. I will not agree to anything."

        You are a woman. and in Islam a woman has rights. You have the right to be happy and be loved by your husband. He can't be a true muslim, unless he cares for you. Never forget Islam. Never forget Khadija and Fatima. Never forget Muhammad. Feel they are in your corner. Inshallah You will conquer this. Good luck sis.

        • Farah, I am just barely approving this comment (in spite of your "chowder heads" remark) and I deleted your filthy, disgusting response to Lorelei Lee. How can a Muslim use such language and insults? It's beyond me. You could have made your point without the kind of language you used.

          You will be permanently on moderated status on this website.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • my point was to create a scene , I just elaborated cause she is interested in marriage and this is what will happen after marriage, it is the biggest sin if we do not make her feel ashamed she will continue which may result in a huge fight and insult and the brother in law will not marry her he is simply not into her.

    • I agree with Star. There is no need to be vulgar yourself.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. The same is happening to me am from England am my husband is from Saudi when I went back England my brother in law popped up for me and we were chatting for some time then I told him that I had a crush on him before I married his brother I met him on Facebook I didn't know that it's my husbands brother anyways after some time he said I like you now whenever he sees me he's trying to stay away and stuff and sometime u see him looking at me smiling at me am confused dies he like me to or am I say dreaming please help me

    • Shada, what is the matter with you? You are a married woman. First of all you should never tell another man that you had a crush on him, even if it was in the past. Such conversation is inappropriate. And now it sounds like you want your brother-in-law to desire you? Or you wish he did?

      You need to avoid your brother-in-law completely, unfriend him on Facebook, and stop caring or worrying about whether he is smiling at you. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for major sins and a disastrous end to your marriage.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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