Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Being forced into marriage, but I love someone else

True love comes from Allah (swt) alone; rest are shaytan's whispers to trick us.

True love comes from Allah (swt) alone; rest are shaytan's whispers to trick us.

I need help, please.  I want to share a lot.  I'm 17 years old.  I used to be a girl who never even bothered about if boys existed or not. I was so carefree with stuff like having fun and being myself.

Later on in 9th grade a guy who came to my class changed everything.  I had a HUGE crush on him. But I never wanted to go in a relationship. My family is a very conservative one and we aren't even allowed to talk to boys. My friend whom I told about my crush told that guy and she even gave him my cell number without asking me.

And then I couldn't resist and I started chatting with him; everything went perfect and now I'm in LOVE  with him. we used to chat 24/7 and sometimes call each other. He's the love of my life.

On our summer vacations we decided to go to our village. We went there and spent 1 month. No one except my friends knew about my relationship; if anyone from my family knew they would've killed me. While we were in my village my father and phupo (paternal aunt's husband) decided to get me engaged with her son who was 24 (I was 16).

I didn't know about it and I was told later on. No one asked me if I was okay with it. They were making the decision of my life and didn't even bother to ask me. I cried for two days so shocked to hear about it. I told my dad I don't want to get engaged but he said that it's going to happen to all my sisters and Allah has ordered us to do so. I couldn't believe it was happening, I was so helpless and couldn't do anything.

I couldn't tell the guy I loved because He would've done nothing as he's too young to do anything about it. My life was upside down that very day.

I got engaged and I only told that one friend who made me get into the relationship with my true love. I hate the guy I got engaged to; I never talked to him and I never thought this would happen. I never had and never will have any feelings for him because I love someone else and that someone else is not aware of all this. :'(  I'm so stressed and I didn't tell him.

It's been one year now And I still haven't told him about my engagement. I'm betraying him but what can I do? I will die without him.

One day when I was texting him, my mother saw me and asked for my cell phone. She read my texts and got to know about everything. She was shocked and she couldn't believe I was texting with a guy. She beat me a lot and asked me about everything and then called him and told him that I was engaged and he should leave this and if my father knew he'd kill him and me as well.

We were so in love. On that day my mother made me put my hand on the Quran and asked me to take and oath and swear on the Quran that I will never contact him in any way and won't talk to any guy again. And I did. I had no other choice. That day was like doomsday for me.  My heart shattered and didn't know what to do.  I couldn't breathe, I suffocated everyday.

I was so suicidal I started to self harm. I cut my thighs and I'm going psycho. I was such a selfish person I asked my friend to tell him that I'm not engaged and that my mother just said it so she could make him get rid of me.

Now he believes me and You know what I did? Now that I'm in college and he's in a different one. I broke the oath and met him and talked to him.

- needing help

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45 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    1ST OF ALL YOU HAVE DEFIED ALLAH IN HIS COMMAND [“And remain (glued) inside your homes, and do not make an exhibition of yourselves like the exhibition (of the women of) Jahiliyyah.” (Qur’aan)]
    NO NO NO CRUSH ON A STRANGER NO INTERACTION WITH A NA MOHRAM-NO LINK WITH A NA MOHRAM BECAUSE ALLAH KNIWS YOU WILL SUFFER AND THIS SUFFERING IS DUE TO THE INFATUATION[NOT LOVE]LOVE CAN BE ERUPTED AFTER NIKAH A LEGAL LOVE SANCTIONED BY ALLAH -
    When a woman detests her natural divinely ordained role, then she must necessarily be unnatural and abnormal. Since she imitates and emulates men of her own free accord, Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) cursed her.
    NEXT NO NO NO CORRESPONDENCE AGAIN ALLAH KNOWS YOU WILL SUFFER WHICH IS HAPPENNING-NOW-
    NEXT
    On that day my mother made me put my hand on the Quran and asked me to take and oath and swear on the Quran
    HERE IS ONE QUESTION OF OATH YOU TOLD AND THE ASNWER IS THAT OATH CAN BE MADE ONLY IN THE NAME OF ALLAH AND THAT ALSO NOT FORCIBLY THE HYDERABADI STLYE [AAP KO MERI KHASAM]AAP WO LADKI SE KABHI BAATH NAHI KAROGE AAP YE NAHI KAROGE WO NAHI KAROGE NAHI THO MAI MAR JAOONGI
    TRANSLATION -
    MEANING NO FORCIBLE PROMISE- THE GIRL OR BOY SAYS I GIVE YOU MY PROMISE YOU WILL NOT TALK TO THAT GIRL YOU WILL NOT DO THIS YOU WILL NOT DO THAT OR ELSE I WILL DIE IF YOU BREAK THIS PROMISE-
    IN ISLAM ONLY THE OATH HAS TO BE TAKEN ON NAME OF ALLAH AND WITH SELF DESIRE TO TAKE IT- NO ONE FORCE AN OATH ON NAY ONE AS THIS BECOME OPPRESSION AND ALLAH SAYS NEITHER OPRESSION YOU DO NEITHER BEAR-
    AND THE ONE WHOM YOU DONT KNOW AND JUST IN INFATUATION YOU ARE GOING IN ALL WRONG DIRECTION CUTTING SPLITTING THIS AND THAT NOTE HE IS NOT WORTH FOR THAT-BECAUSE YOU ARE PLAYING WITH THE TRUST[[YOUR BODY]WHICH IS ALLAH'S AND THE LIFE ALSO HIS-WE DONT HAVE RIGHT TO INDULGE IN WRONG RELATIONSHIP AND THEN DO THESE SCST[SCHEDULE CASTE AND SCHEDULE TRIBES ACTS]
    YOU ARE MUSLIM YOU ARE VERY HIGHLY HONOURED BY LLAH AND GICEN THE STATUS OF ASHRAFUL MAKLOOKHAT GEM OF THE CREATION-FOR ONE PERSON YOU CAN FALL SO LOW-HE IS NOT WORTH-
    YOU KNOW IN ALL LOVE MARRIAGES THE BOYS LOOSE INTEREST VERY SOON WITH THE GIRL BECAUSE SHE HAD GIVEN HERSELF TO HIM BY TALKING AND CHATTING AND BECAME CHEAP THE BALOON OF LOVE BURSTS VERY SOON AND YOU MIGHT REGRET LATER -CONSIDER THE PARENTS PROPOSAL AND ALSO RETHINK TOMORROW THE CRUSH GUY THE HERO MAY TURN OUT TO BE A RUN AWAY HIT LIKE THE MOVIES 1ST WEEK COLLECTION AND COLLAPSE IN THE SECOND WEEK SURPRISING THE BOX OFFICE[YOUR LOVE]

    NOW START READING ASTAGFIRULLAH THE WHOLE ADY-THEN DO TAHAJUD [RAYER WITHOUT FAIL THEN DO ISTHKHAR REGULARLY DAILY ANY TIME SO THAT ALLAH TURNS TO YOU IN MERCY AND HELPS YOU COME OUT OF THIS SITUATION-REMEMEBER ALLAH IS THE 1ST- ALLAH IS THE SUPREME -ALLAH IS THE PRIME ALLAH IS THE HIGHEST AND LOFTIEST OF ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD THE CRUSH GUY COMES LATER AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TOT HRM THE LIFE AND BODY GIVEN BY ALLAH FOR THIS CRUSH GUY-
    TOMORROW ANYTHING HAPPENS TO YOU NO ONE WILL LOOSE ANYTHING CRUSH WIULL GO AFTER SOMEONE AND FORGET YOU SO SOON YOU CANT IMAGINE AT ALL-BUT THAT IS NOT WORTH TO LOOSE YOUR LIFE WHICH IS NOT YOURS IT IS GIVEN BY ALLAH HE IS THE OWNER THE MASTER OF YOUR LIFE AND THE MASTER HAS GIVEN A CODE OF LIFE FOR MAN AND WOMAN FOLLOW THAT AND SEE THE SUBLIME LOVE OF LIFE -HE MADE FOR YOU-
    READ THIS FULL BOOK IT IS FULL OF QURAN AND HADEES DIRECTIONS-YOU WILL FIND SOLACE AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND YOUR WORTH READ DONT DELAY-
    http://muslimcanada.org/purdah.pdf
    REGARDS

    • I need help too.i am 20.i am in love with this guy. And he loves me alot too.we also have been chatting for almost 4 years now. We love each other very very much. And he said he will come propose when the time is right. But I feel my parents wont agree because he is Arab and I am Indian. And I got a proposal from my cousin brother.he is a very nice person. I am very confused. My father is very happy but he said its my decision.please help me what I should do .If I say no I dont want to regret in the future. Thanks

  2. Don't marry the guy your parents have chosen for you, be honest with yourself save yourself from ruining someone else's dreams and hopes. Stand up for yourself you chose to fall in love that would be enough to stand up to your parents THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHOICE. You do have a choice Allah has given everyone this choice. Marry the one you have chose, what your parents are doing is haraam and your marriage forced DOES NOT EXIST ISLAMIC ALLY IT WILL BE VOID AND INVALID IN EYES OF ALLAH.

    • assalamalaikum
      Dear samina madam,
      please reply os this stand allowed in islam aor valid in islam or permitted in islam to defy Allah TRAP YOUR SELF AND DEFY THE PARENTS-
      WHY I A M REPLYING YOU KNOW-BECASUE YOUR VERSION YOUR ENCOURAGMENT IN THIS FORUM WILL ENCOURAGE THE YOUNGSTERS TO FOLLOW-
      NEEDING HELP TO ATTEMPT MORE LOVERS AND LAND UP IN A DIRTY INFATUATION AND THEN STAND AGAINST THE PARENTS WHO BROUGHT YOU UP AND FED YOU EDUCATED YOU AND MADE YOU A QUALIFIED PERSON AND THE LOVER THE HERO COMES AND LIKES A GIRL FOR HER EDUCATION QUALITIES AND HER DRESSING HER STATUS.EDUCATION AND FINALLY THOSE WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BECOME SUCH DECENT GIRL THEY ARE DEFIED-

      LOVE IS BLIND SO ALLAH TOLD DONT EXPOSE YOUR SELF DONT MAKE YOUR SELF A PRODUCT OF EXHIBITION AND THEN MAKE SATAN HAPPY AND MINGLE THEN KISS THEN HAVE SEX BEHIND THE BACK OF THE PARENTS THEN BECOME MAD AFTER THE HERO DREAM DAY AND NIGHT SPOIL YOUR HEALTH LOOSE SELF CONFIDENCE EVEN GO TOT THE EXTENET OF ABORTION AND FINALLY IF THE GERO DOES NOT WANT THE CHILD HANG YOURSELF
      TAKE THE EXAMPLE OF JIA KHAN SAMETHIGN WILL HAPPEN IF YOU WILL ENCOURAGE YOUNGSTERS SAYING-
      THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHOICE-
      ALLAH HAS GIVEN CHOICE TO MARRY NOT LIKE THE CHRISTIANS DO MARITAL SEX LEADING TO ABORTION-
      SORRY YOUR WORDS AND ADVICE ARE OUT OF PROPORTION EVEN OUT OF THE TERMS OF ISLAM ON MARRIAGE-
      Marry the one you have chose, what your parents are doing is haraam and your marriage forced-
      IN ISLAM THE PERMISSION IS THIS -Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
      “And there is no sin on you if you make a hint of betrothal…”
      [al-Baqarah 2:235]
      NOT PRE-MARITAL CONTACT LOVE AND SEX-
      According to the hadeeth, “When any one of you proposes marriage to a woman, if he can look at that which will encourage him to go ahead and marry her, then let him do so.” (Abu Dawood, al-Nikaah, 2082; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 1832).
      SO BEFORE SAYING SOMETHING WHICH WILL SPREAD IN THIS FORUM AND GIVE WRONG SIGNAL TO YOUNGSTERS -PLEASE THINK TWICE AND TALK IN THE LIMITS OF ISLAM AND THE RIGHT OF CHOICE WHICH YOU MENTIONED ALLAH GAVE I HAVE PUT UP THE VERSE/HADEES ITSELF THE LIMIT OF SEEING FOR SELECTION SO THAT TOMORROW THE GIRL MUST NOT SAY YOU TIED ME UP TO A COCK-EYED PERSON ETC ETC-

      AND MAIN RESPONSIBLITY LIES WITH PARENTS TO CHECK THE HERO IA S HERO OR ZERO BY HIS FAMILY STATUS/BACK GROUND TO SEE IF THEY DRUNKARDS FAMLIY OR GAMBLERS HOW MUCH ISLAMIC THEY ARE HIS FATHERS RECORD OF A GOOD RESPECTABLE LIFE ETC ETC-

      JUST LIKE THAT SOME ONE COMES IN THE LIFE HAVE CRUSH ON HIM LAND UP IN TROUBLE LKOOSE FULL GENERATION PEACE IS WHAT YOU ARE ENCORAGING WILL GET OUT OF IT-

      HOPE THIS IS TAKEN AS AN ADVICE TO SAY FRUTIFUL ISLAMIC THINGS IN REPLIES SO THAT ISLAM PREVAILS AND THE LIVES ARE SAVED FROM PRE-MARITAL ATTRACTIONS THE PATH OF SATAN-
      REGARDS

    • Go with the guy u love only not what ur parent chose! Its strictly forbidden to force someone to marry another one of their choice! no one can control your freewills even your parents! Your parent have the right to bring someone for you with your permission and acceptance. if you dont like the guy your parent must obey!

      Second, Go with the one u love with some condition which will make it legal and safe , because if ever the guy will leave you , there will be no difference from this guy and the force marriage.

      For example Ask him to live in an islamic way as much as he or both can.. no need to wear kurta, keep long bear or bear.. etc " this doesnt make u become sincere to god.., but heart, faith and way of dressing must be very decents.

      Ask the guy to perform a hidden nika or held by his familly as soon as possible.
      Tell your parent first by phone and stay away so that they dont harm you.
      If ever they say ok, then go and see. if they beat u , run away from the house and lodge a complaint to the police for your life security.

      These cultural parents nowadays is more about HONOUR rather than to save life of their child and to understand them.

      U must tell them that forcing someone to marry to someone without your permission and if u like or not is against allah and its nto allah who have decided it as they have said! Learn islam more so that u can defend u with allah legal words. If u want to be the best lawyer to defend u in the truth, then Quran is the book. Show your parent that they cant fool u about islam!

      If ever they dont agree, then do your nika silenty and contact his parent.. if the guy really love u , he will do so.

      Once u r in nika , your parent wont have any right on u .

      Please sister, dnt think because u r too young and u cant do nika, u can do it then u do a reception after years or whenever if u want.. if u will skip nika for so long and keep meeting him, u will turn into zina very easily and where allah will curse u and make u become without anyone in life .. do nika and allah will send all his blessing for your relation! i know when u r in love you cant control about sex! so the solution is just a nika which will be done in within 5 - 10 then u can enjoy!

      Now if u cant do nika, then u r not allow to meet the guy!

      Sister, listen to my advice , take it easy , step by step.. and u will see.. and skip nika or postpone.. u will be a loser.. u can postpone it if u dont meet the guy.

      Thanks
      Uzair Khan (Originally from Australia) No Culture, Tradition etc , Life simple and easy) No cast , sect... Just a Slave of Allah and bear withness Muhammad (Peace be Upon Him) is the messenger of allah )

      • Sister , My advise can be use in the worse moment when u r not be able to forget him and want to go far our of islam .. then consider my advise.. but if u gut to be yourself, then i would advise u that 17yrs is not a good age to get marry .. u need to learn abit more about life and feel like an adult.. be responsible.. specially the guy! because once u grow up more.. both their mind can change.. their taste and way of attraction which can lead to divorce by getting attracting to another partner.. understand life a bit then make a good choice.. and if ever allah has destined the one u love to be yours.. then allah know best and the time.. thanks

      • Are you serious?? A nikka behind your parents will?
        I mean really? are you THAT much of immature that "You can't live without him"

        this kind of 'so called love' never last at this young age. Your harmones are wild. YOU SAID YOU NEVER TALKED TO ANY BOY BEFORE. THEN HE CAME.YOU SAID YOU HAD A CRUSH, THEN YOU FELL FOR HIM.
        its not love honey, its probably because this is the first time you have ever been closed to a boy or talked to him. Thats why you feel attracted.
        Now don't say I dont know anything as I have seen many friends and people close to me say this and in the end, they get hurt.

        Don't think of Running off and marrying without parents will. He didn't said anything about marriage? Did he?
        this is just a fling for him. Believe me.

        What if you take "Madam Samina's" advise and run away and he leaves you standing in the middle of the road.?
        Yeah cause thats just so FUN AND ADVENTURE.
        PLEASE GROW UP.

        THE SOUP OPERAS YOU SEE IN MOVIES AND DRAMAS ARE FICTION. ITS JUST IMAGINARY.

        I THINK THOSE DRAMAS AND ALL THAT STUFF HAVE MAKE YOU THINK "YOUR IN LOVE"
        ITS PLAIN RUDE THAT FOR YOUR HARDLY 1 YEAR OR LESS LOVER, YOU ARE DISOBEYING THOSE PARENTS THAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS WORLD, FED YOU, GAVE YOU SHELTER.

        AND MOST INPORTANTLY, GOING AGAINST ALLAH'S ORDER.
        THINK ABOUT IT.

        peace-

    • Oh so having a crush on someone. Talking to a na-mehram. Chatting with him on phone. And calling him the "Love of your life"Is what Islam Teach you? Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is not islam. I know, What her parents did was wrong and haraam. Forcing her to get engaged. But what she is doing,is that Halaal? I don't think so.

      And to top it off, She broke her promise,an oath ON QURAN FOR GOD SAKE. FOR WHAT? A BOY?
      you are only 16. Don't think this relation would last long. What is the gurantee he loves you?
      -> First of all, Clean yourself and get rid of your "so called love"if you wat to be good in Allah's eyes. Idk if his love is true. Maybe, Maybe not.

      But how do you except to be loved and respected when you cheat on God's book for a boy. Break promise to your creater for what? A human being just like you?

      I advise that read Quran with translation and pray 5 times a day. Quran is the book where you get all answers.

      Hope you will find a light. Not from anyone but Allah.
      (sorry If I offended anyone)

      Peace-

      • hey islam is not against love if u love someone marry him ,whats wrong with that the girl parents are wrong and the person her parents choose what is the guarantee he will love her , not cheat and will not have 2 marriage .this is life and in life u have to take risks ok what if she marries that guy and she is not able to forget him still it will be cheating then and i think the sin would be on her parents then and love is not forced . dont have that mind of urs because of people like u people will leave islam , islam is beautiful religion and people like u put restrictions love marriage is not haram and she didnt had any sexual relation with him so u just shut up and its her life let her to decide what she wants even if later he dont love atleast she choose her life and decide instead of being played like a puppet in hands of her parents

  3. Salam,

    Well clearly she can't go with the guy she loves because a) he's not prepared for marriage and b) he never said he intended to marry her either (unless she didn't specify that in the post). Sister, I think you are young and very vulnerable. I urge you to practice some self-control, because I feel that if your feelings and emotions get out of hand, before long your relationship with your classmate may become physical, and actual zina is just a step away. Please, I urge you, do not get physical with this boy, regardless of your feelings. You will be in a much bigger mess if you two happen to commit zina and prospects of rectifying the situation will be bleak. Talk to your parents, and tell them that Islam forbids forcing a girl into marriage. Unfortunately your parents show traces of typical cultural infiltration with regards to Islam, such as forcing you into marriage in the name of Islam, and taking an oath on the Qur'an. Someone needs to explain to them that forcing their daughter into marriage is very un-Islamic, and could be detrimental to your future. I suggest seeking the counsel of a third party that can mediate between you and your parents to come to an agreeable solution. It is understandably very difficult to cut off contact with someone who you have 'feelings' for (more like an infatuation), but you must realize that you two may not get married. Having a love relationship is impossible in Islam, and the only solution to this problem is marriage. If you two cannot get married, there can be no relationship. You must realize this. And I repeat, DO NOT get physical with this boy, no matter what happens. Finally, pray to Allah to ease your difficulties, and recite Qur'an. Please, guard your chastity and do not under any circumstances become physical with this boy. The consequences could be severe. It is not uncommon for a young woman like yourself to unintentionally get herself caught up in a situation, and come out of it pregnant. Think about this. And far from that, make no physical contact with this boy. Be firm sister. Your deen is the most valuable possession that you have. Don't lose it for anything. Being physical with anybody outside of marriage will never yield any positive results, and will not achieve you anything that you want. Be patient. You'll be alright. May Allah ease your difficulties and give you happiness.

  4. You are only 17...why are you even thinking about boys and engagement and marriage? The fact that you do things behind your parents' back, you not seeming to realize the severity of having a "boyfriend" and you cutting yourself when things don't go your way, indicates that you're way too immature to become a wife to ANYONE. Do yourself a favour and do whatever you can to get out of marrying the man in your homeland who your parents have decided for you. But also, leave your boyfriend alone! He's not halal for you, and your family will never accept him when your mother knows that he was disrespectful of you and your family. No parent is going to accept a man who's doing haram with their daughter behind their back!

    You are very young, start enjoy your youth and stop occupying yourself with the problems of 40 year old! You obviously don't deal well with adulthood, yet, when your answer is to cut your thighs. You need to leave your boyfriend alone, start listening to your parents (except when it comes to forced marriage) and focus on your school.

    • THANK YOU. Everyone is being so harsh! Okay, I admit. Slicing your thighs is very foolish. I mean, are you trying to make a point? Just remember Allah made those legs, not you. If you want Allah on your side, I'd suggest you stop destroying his creation.
      I am an Algerian religious woman, and I despise arranged marriage with all my heart. I have many close friends who have been forced into such a sin, who cannot even look at their spouse. They are strangers! Do you expect a grown lady to marry a stranger and then have kids with him? It's madness. Not trying to be in-direct or what the modern folk call these days: "racist", but this is mostly Asians. In fact, back in secondary school, I met a girl who was forced to marry this man by her parents and when she refused her MOTHER said:
      "He is bloody Asian with money! If I let you marry who you want, I'll end up with an ugly poor black son in-law!"
      She was very hurt and decided that she would still obey her.
      Listen to me, my brothers and sisters:
      Allah has NEVER allowed the parents to force their children in marriage! NEVER!
      It is haraam. In fact, Allah promises that the father whom forces such a sin will be punished severely on the day of judgement! I'm warning you my brothers and sisters, it is forbidden!

      To close, I really hope this horrible act of the shaaytan stops once and for all, and I hope you have learnt a thing or two.

      Please please remember: I'm not encouraging the disobedience of the child to their parents. This is also forbidden! Paradise lies under the mothers feet! But there is one thing that she does not intitle. That is whom the husband or wife shall be for her son or daughter. She does have the right to reject them, if she thinks them unworthy for whatever reason- but she can never force the daughter or son to marry whom he or she does not desire.

      Assaluma'alaikum. May Allah bless us all. Insha'allah may the almighty guide us through the straight path. May Allah forgive us for creating fitna and shirk, two major sins we commit every day.

      Thank you for taking the time to read this. May Allah bless you with mercy and protection.

  5. There is nothing wrong with her marrying a man who is suitable to her and will give her space to mature and get more educated. 17 is not too young if she is mature. My brother's wife was 17 or 18 when they married. He was around 25 or26. She is very happy and mature and responsible.

    But stop having boyfriends behind your parents back. This will only bring gloom and doom not to mention its forbidden. When we do things that are dumb, their outcome is also dumb. The guy you are speaking to cannot marry you unless his family decides to support him and ask for your hand in marriage. IF THAT CANNOT HAPPEN, then save yourself the heartache and it may come back to you later in life. But having a looong term haram relationship....where is that going to lead you. You wll meet him with no chaperone and believe shaitan takes you in mini steps. You do not want to end up unmarried and pregnant. Only to become another statistic left wondering why the guy you loved so much deserted you.

    You need to have mature talk with parents about you living in the 21st century and knowing that islam gives you allowance to agree and choose spouse. And that forcing is haram. If not possible, you need to respectfully involve an imam or other respected elder.

    • Does she sound mature to you? She goes behind her parents' back to do what's haram for her to do in the first place - she takes oaths on the Quran and breaks them. And her reaction to not getting her way is to cut herself. Yeah, that's real mature...

      Most 17 year olds in the West are DEFINITELY not ready for marriage. No way. I bet that your brother's wife wasn't raised in the West - so naturally, she's probably grown up with a lot of responsibilities which have possibly matured her.

      • it doesn't matter if they are from west or north you get different people everywhere it really depends on them not where there from yes sometimes the society we live in can have an impact on our personalities,behaviours,roles etc depending on who or what we follow but at the end of the day we choose who we want to be doesn't really matter where we from .

        But you are right about her not being ready yet , she needs to be stable on her emotions learn to control them I can see many weaknesses in her and I think she still needs to see a lot out there which could help her be a more tougher person in future when shes really ready for marriage.

        but tbh sometimes it doesn't matter if theyre mature or not before marriage becase after marriage people learn more and become more mature after , sometimes marriage is a key to make us more aware of the world out there which helps make people mature out there , I knew many immatures who got married straight away now when you see them you wouldn't be able to recognise them , they've literally become adults , even though it looked impossible for them to be.

        • Your statement on maturity is naive and idealistic, and doesn't really hold any truth to it. It just sounds good to the public, that's all. It's like when people say love is all that matters. Yeah, beautiful thought, but love doesn't change the fact that if you love and marry someone who's scum, you'll have one hell (literally) of a marriage with the one "you love".

          It DOES matter where you are born and where you have grown up in the world - because there IS a difference between Eastern and Western cultures and socities. If you have travelled at all, you would know this. You can't miss the differences if you've been to both the West and the East.

          Also, people can't just make the choice of being mature, then, voilà, they'll be mature. If people all of their lives have lived carefreely with no responsibilities (which is often the case in the West), then people are going to mature slowlier than those who have had to be substitute parents at the age of 7.
          And also, maturity depends on brain activity and development. A 17 year old's brain has not, biologically speaking, finished developing, therefore there're going to be things that a 17 year old will not be able to do, understand and know. The 17 year old is BOUND to change every single year for at least 7 more years to come. Myself, for instance, I'm a completely different person to who I was at 17. If I had married at 17, I can guarantee you I'd be divorced now - because the type of guy I would have thought, back then, is good for me, is the same type I would never want to marry now that I'm almost 27.

        • I agree with you kay786

    • its her life let her decide what she wants to do and its not like she committed a sin because she had no sexual relation with her and when people can meet their fiance whose is engaged with her and not done niqah so whats wrong with her talking and meeting him if he will marry her then i think it ok and i am quite shocked by our society at one side they put their thoughts and restrictions on u and on there they break it themselves . if a person meets or talks with his fiance so all people and even their parents say its ok at that time on one thinks what islam says but then when their pride cames they remember islam and its not haram ok so stop being an extremist

  6. If I had a child - boy or girl - I would never marry them off in their teens. Just because something was normal over 1000 years ago, doesn't mean you have to imitate that practice in 2013 - especially if it's, by no means, an obligatory act of Islam. If people really think a 17 year old kid is ready for marriage, then where do you really draw the age limit? If it's just a matter of imitating ancient norms, why not also marry your 8 year old child off, like it was normal to do when the prophet (PBUH) lived? Why not ride on camels through NYC or London, like they did in 1400? Seriously, it's people's backwarded mentality that is one of the huge problem behind the misery of Muslims. Parents who force their teen kids to marry. Parents who ALLOW their teen kids to marry! Parents who're not open and present in their children's upbringing...I think the world has gone absolutely mad. It's actually shocking.

    Thank God Islam isn't about being copycats of an entire different lifetime. Thank God Islam can be incorperated in to modern society, without the actual religion and teachings being compromised.

    • Asalamu alaikum @Adina mohammadia

      Our world is changing year by year and especially in our century.Doors of sins have been open everywhere.And only by following the teachings of our prophet(pbuh) and Allah the All-Mighty we can avoid every sin.

      You say that she is young to marry at age of 17 and that she is not mature,why not?,Our century is totally changed and girls at this age commit many sins.Now the teens of this century they more then a teenagers.

      Now if we say teen girls are too young to get married many of them are getting in a relationships with boys commit sins and get pregnant .Many of the girls get pregnant before their 20s.You might be wondering that how a teenager will even think about love,marriage or relationships.Teenagers of today they are not the teenagers we know before.

      Teens of this century they are not just a teenagers.They seemed young and innocent to us,but they do many things which we cannot even imagine they can do.

      If we keep saying teens are too young to get married or when they reached their 20s they will, they can do a lot before that.Many teenagers are now making love-relationships.And some teenager think that teenage is the age of having fun and they commit many sins they go out at night with their friends,they watch sex movies and smoke and do many bad stuffs.

      Like when they were small kids they will be innocent and pure.They know nothing but playing with toys and watching cartoons.But when they reached their teenage they will forget their innocent life and start acting like adults.

      My classmates are all about 14,15,16 and 17 years they are all in relationships with boys.And their boyfriends are between 20 or 24.I am the only one who is not in any relationship thanks to Allah while I am 18 years.They always talk about boys and even bring boys photos and give it to each girl in the class and ask her to choose I am sorry to say this but they even lip kiss each other!,and they always talk about romantic,sex movies and I am just watching them and keep asking myself how they know all this at age?

      Our teacher came to know what they have been doing and she scolded them so badly.She asked each of them how old are they all?when she came to knew their ages she was shocked! and could not believe that girls at their ages could do such things.

      I am the oldest one among them but I seemed like the youngest one among them they talk about many things like an adults.Sometimes I can even understand what they say.Sometimes they say why I am not in any relationship I reply them that it is haram in Islam but they say to me that when I am going to grow up and stop acting like a kid.They ask me to watch movies but I am not they all watch love movies and they bring their smart phones and on a sex movie and they all gather to watch it!.

      Teenagers are now behaving like adults.They learn and do a lot at that age.Many children get spoiled at their teenage.And if you say a teenager girl is young to get married she is old enough to commit zina and get pregnant.If teenagers can do this all why not get married.Marriage will be their best option to avoid sins then making relationships.

      Nowadays people are not even thinking to get married.Some even marry from 30 to 40 and keep on committing sins in their past ages.I ask my classmates at what age they want to get married some say 30,31,35 and some they don't even want to marry they just want a boyfriend.

      Now if you will see those girls or boys who are getting in relationships most of them are teenagers.And why u think this all happen because no one is encouraging them to get married which makes them fall in the traps of Devil(Iblis).If they are married they will be at their houses looking after each other and not going out and waste their times for nothing.Like at the time of prophet teenage girls used to be at the houses of their husbands while we now every girl is outside with a boyfriend.If they were been married at a young age like at least girls from 17 and boys from 20 it will make them be save from sins.But saying they are young and not mature will make them go outside and do all the types of sins.

      You said that,the time of prophet(pbuh) is not like ours and that we can't practice something which was from 1000 years ago in 2013, Sure we can, by not following the prophet(pbuh) and following the western countries is what make us lost from the right path and a world fall of sins.Now we must not take Islam as a tradition but as a religion to follow in each and every century and year because the God how was existed 1000 years ago is still existed in 2013 and will always be that is Allah the All-Mighty the All-Living.We must follow what ever He said no matter how many years it was been thought and practiced. Islam is Islam in every century and in everywhere.

      I am not saying every teenager should get married no, but those who truly love each other at least teen girls getting married from 17 is not a big deal at least is better then committing zina.Like mostly teen girls are getting spoiled more then boys.she can get engage like at 16 or 17 and then get married at 18 or 19 because I think even in the western countries is legal to marry at 18.But not those girls who are 8 or 9 because I know it is not normal in our society.

      At time of prophet(pbuh) teenagers used to learn how to fight and how to be responsible in their lives.But teenagers of today are been looked as small babies and being spoiled by their parents and they waste their times for nothing.Saying teenagers are too young to get married they get spoiled at that age only.They can at least get nikah and when they are ready Inshallah they get married.If any girl fell in love with a boy and she says she wants to marry him and her parents will say she can't because she is young what do you think she will do?,will she stops her relationship so easily?

      May Allah guide us to the right path,Ameen.

      your sister Saja.

      • Hii asalaam sadia sister, cant say too much, ur speech was just what i wanted to say.. I give u 10/10 and i think this is the best advise & complete.. May allah guide n reward u..

        • Salam Uzzy

          Thank you so much and may Allah bless you.

          • Saja I agree with you 100%

            Also it has nothing to do with east or west culture or where people are brought up. Its knowing if an individual is ready to get married and know what they want in life.

  7. Assalam Sister,

    I think you shouldn't marry someone you are not devoted to. This will only lead to problems down the road, especially if after you two are married. It is best to stop it now if your heart is with someone else, explain this to your parents and explain to them that marriage without your consent is invalid. Allah has given us rights to choose our spouses, because at the end of the day when everyone goes to bed it is you who has to deal with your decisions, not your family or friends. Start getting closer to Allah, pray and ask Him to guide you. Do not lose hope but also know your limits; do not continue to talk to the man you are in love with. Either make it Halal or cut it off for the sake of Allah; surely you will blessed.

    You are so young my dear, don't jump into anything. You have your whole life ahead of you. Of course, marriage is half your deen and if you find someone who can complete that then go about it the right way to get Allah's blessing and mercy. Parents are important, however a lot seem to be unaware of the problems that the younger generations are going through. Culture should NEVER exceed the limits of Islam and trust me, parents can manipulate it to make it seem they are right. I am going through the same thing; married to someone who is not from my culture but practicing and my parents want me to ask for divorce to marry their choice. Do not lose hope in Allah, keep praying and Inshallah you will see the light in this situation.

    May Allah bless you and make your hardships easier.

  8. Asalamu'alaikum

    Just want to say how your life sounds so similar to mine!
    I was in year 9 when I met the perfect boy, I was 15 at the time, I liked him before then too but as a crush, we started talking in year 10 and thats when I felt that I was in love, he was the only person I would talk to everything about, we were best friends and lovers, I am also from a highly respected Muslim family, life and school was going well, friends, family and him too, slowly everything was crashing down before my eyes, i used to get my phone taken off me all the time as either my mum or brothers used to catch me red handed texting him, it all carried on like this, up untili couldnt hack the pain nomore, I selfharmed badly, thighs, arms etc I even cut his name into my arm, I went crazy and one day I had a really bad arguement that I wanted to leave, I badly just wanted to be free, I was so scared of the whole environment around me, I just wanted to be where he was. Days past and my mum came to me and said your fathers ill, we want you to get married, as soon as her words came out, I trembelled; cried and said no mum I want to marry the one I love, straight away her reaction changed and she shouted yelled etc, I was left alone in tears, I told my love and we had no choice, I betrayed my love and married another man, I cry to Allah everyday because for yhe sake of my father I married someone who I have no feelings or anything for, its been 5 years and me and my love have not broken apart, He is still by my side even after me marrying, I feel so hopeless. I know I am commiting a sin by being married to another man whilst still being with my love, my husband is not living with me at the moment and I dont even see my love but even still we talk over phone and love each other very dearly...

  9. Asalamu'alaikum

    Im also agreed with the girls u must take a stand otherwise u will be in pain all of ur life sister stand for ur love.
    I was 16 when I fall in love with a girl that girl was 23 and we both wer collageues I just fall in love with him and she also fall in love with me we both were having great time but there were a prblm she was Christian and u know what she were so much in love with me that she agreed to convert in Islam when I asked my parents they didnt agree after 1 year of our relationship she said me to run but I did not agreed on running after few weeks she got married she told me that she is getting married so that is why she is asking me to run but I didnt .
    after her marriage I try to commited suicide 2 times but I got saved now im a addict I used drugs I drink alchol I feel myself like a shit but that woman still love me I cnt take the stand that time now im nothing I have ruined my life and my self .
    so sister stand for ur love

    • Brother Aariz,

      Your story resonates mine. We both could not stand up for the women who loved us.

      But still this life is Allah's blessing. Do not waste it on addiction. Be the man that the people around you are proud of. Try to help yourself and help others.

      I will make Du'a so that Allah (SWT) makes this life easy for you.

      Salaam.

  10. NEED HELP ASAP!!!!

    • sarah, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. is it true that real love starts after nikah? because in my family mostly all marriages are arranged plus there are cousin marriages.. and i would obviously want to fall in love.. even if its after nikah with a cousin. does true love begin after nikah?

  12. A.alaykum
    Im 16 years old i have been so much in love with this guy and he loves me too and we cant live without each other and its been 3 years till now,we been chatting talking and also meet at sometimes,and he said he will come to propose me after finish studing and its only one year left to come
    But something happend my parents told me that im gonna get married with other guy but m not agreed because im so inlove with my guy and only a year left him to come to propose me,but i had no choice my parents forced me and im not even ready to get married at this time im only 16 and that guy parents choose for me he is 25
    Im crying every single day i pray to allah so much that to help me i wanted to marry the one i love
    Please help me with this
    Shukran

    • Maryam, As-salamu alaykum. Forced marriage is invalid in Islam. You have the right to say no, and to choose your own marriage partner.

      However, I it's a mistake to meet privately with this other man as it could lead to haram. If he truly wishes to marry you then let him come now with a proposal. If not then I don't think he is serious.

      And P.S., yes you can live without each other.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • W.salaam he wished to come but he is still studying next year he will be finishing with the studies and he will come to propose me
        But my parent want me to get married to this man on this year and am not even ready
        I still pray to allah to help me

        • Maryam, if the man you are with is serious, tell him the situatuion you are in. that your parents have found somone for you and want for you to get married. Ask him to come to your parents with a proposal, so that you can atleast get engaged and he may continue with his studies and if you wish you both can get married the following year once his studies are complete. if he refuses to come with a proposal, im sorry to say but seems he is just using this as an excuse and passing time. No one can force you to marry someone you don't want, but have you actually given the proposal a fair chance? take time to consider who your parents have choosen, they are your parents and would know you best, parents are not always right but they would want the best for you. you dont want to regret losing a good proposal as your head is clouded for a man you have been in a haraam relationship with which may not even have a future or his intentions were never to marry you.

        • Aoa
          I m 25 year old .. Last year I got married with my 1st cousin . Bt I am in love with some one else . I already told that to my mom about my love. Bt she not accepted him because he is already married n hv 1 child too . Bt love is blind I love him a lot. That's why I am not accepting my husband still . Even my parents go to his home and threat him to stay away from from me. I also thought to leave this house Bt in secound thought I think about my family , socity , parents that it will effect my family too.

  13. Assalamualikum

    • Wa alaykum as-salam. Please register and submit your question as a separate post; Or you can read answers already given to similar questions, as we have published many posts from people with these kinds of problems.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. ALLAH Is Love we follow love our entire lives, avoiding it is always a big mistake even if the love is false on the other end , you are defeated but you have learnt to love you wont learn that by siting praying all day long or just remembering the names of ALLAH you will find him with your eyes your ears and your smell he is everywhere to be found he is better mightier more powerful than anything that is possible HE is love . i didnt find him sitting in a corner praying or fearing him that doesn't happen only love will take you closer to him closer to understanding what he wants with us of us . But i have to say in the end you will never regret Loving Anything that God Has created even if its a false hope .without his permission you cant think of anything you cant feel . he gave you the ability to love . Only Defeats Will take you closer to him Victories will often make you lose sight

  15. I m in n love with a person i m going to tell him that i love him alote he doesnot do anything he simply answer that i respected your feelings for me i asked him that i want to marry him he leaves every thing on time because we both are not realy ready for marrige one day he wished to get a kiss from me
    What would i have to done
    Plz help
    I did not to want a haraam relationship with him
    Plz help

  16. if you denied the proposal and you'r parents aren't going to ask u for your decision, then this means that even if u do get married, it will be a harama nikkah.
    it's written in the qur'an that the parents must ask the girl before they get her married or she has every right to marry someone else even though she is married to the one that the parents chose!
    If it's a haram nikkah than basically it's like you're not married.

    and u should stand up for what u want,
    everyone has the right over their own lives, and the right to make their own decisions.

  17. Salam my dear sister
    First and foremost do not marry that arrange marriage guy!! Allah would condem it may I also day to follow brothers and sisters would you marry someone that you dislike?
    It is harm to force or arrange any type of marriage
    Also writing with such anger in caps is pathetic and childish my deer sister needs help and you are giving nasty vile comments

    What I would say is if your heart desire and you feel true love for that boy then u must talk to your farther and tell him how you feel of not try to find a relative who would understand and make them meet the boy and get them to know him
    You need your family to be happy ad well you are too this way when you talking to the boy on the phone you ain't committing sin and you are allowed as your family blessed it

    Also people forget Allah puts everything into perspective to challenge you and he sets goals for your own achivement

    Also to those who ever condemn boys and girls talkin to each other can you please explain to.me how could you marry someone without knowing their personality

    There are halal ways of courting along you know what is right and wrong

    Remember our role model our beloved prophet pbuh how he loved his wives and he true example what marriage is all about
    Not this arrange marriage it's forbidden and harram
    I wish.you find happiness I really do my beloved sister and please seek help and guidence in Allah as he's always there for you all you need to do is ask and he will help you

  18. AssalamuAlaikum

    Im 24yrs old and im love with a guy i met in college. I told my parents about it but they are against the marriage. I have not contacted him for 4yrs bt still couldnt forget him. Now my parents are forcing me to get married to someonelse. I dont want to ruin the life of that person. But if say anything to them it will create a chaos in my house. My brother hasnt talked to me for 4yrs and he has just started talking to me if i say anything he wouldnot talk to me. They have beated me for this. They even stopped my studies. Now everything is sorting out in my house slowly but i want to marry the guy i love but if i say something the peace in my house will go plss help through this
    My parents are not telling me the reason why they are not agreeing for the marriage.

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