Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I managed to bring my husband back, but he has no transparency

A Muslim family

A Happy Muslim family living together

A couple of years ago I submitted this problem and received some really good feedback.

(Editor's Note: Referring to this post -

I managed to come back to the UK with my brother - after almost three years my husband has been trying to get back in touch - i managed to get a job and a house too - my mother lives with me and whilst i work she is the main carer for the children.

Initially me and my mother were v happy about my husband getting back in touch - as he had not seen my second daughter. however he met the children about three times and never spoke about taking responsibility for us in the sense of financial or practical responsibility - he then said he was struggling financially and had no job - he has never told me what his current address is despite me asking several times for this.  he hasnt really taken an interest in the children or their lives either

I am hesitant to let him back into our lives and he never really asks about the children - he calls or sends txts passed midnight when the kids are asleep - I sometimes speak to him but am concerned about the lack of transparency on his part - in particular he has never said he has even rented a house for us to move with him - he sent postal orders for "200 for a couple of months but has stopped doing so now. I think he is off work and doesnt have a job as he seems to say he's at home either sleeping or praying.

I really do not know what I should do - he still holds me responsible for everything that happened in Pakistan - his family have no contact with me at all either. This has cropped up in conversations and lead to arguments hence i don't really answer his calls any family are saying he needs me for money/roof over his head and has no sense of responsibility.

I have suggested to him that we should talk face to face with elders present but he wont co operate about this. he is now 40 and i'm 32 - by now i would have thought he wants a settled family life but Im not so sure. A couple of days ago he suggested we move to the middle east but again he has no job - my job is Alhamdolilah secure here and i have paid all his debts off and started afresh.

Im torn in a situation whereby ive struggled really hard to rebuild everything - i left my baby at home when she was 7 months to work again 5 days a week - he hasnt even appreciated this or the fact that we are debt free now. i dont want him to play havoc with us again - i dont want to be in a situation whereby he s expecting me to work and look after our home and also provide financially. please help!

~ nadi

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6 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    With a husband like yours, you are better off alone. Who needs a man who does not possess the qualities that a husband should have? He is irresponsible, not a husband nor father to his children. He does not provide for you or his children in any way. He refuses to meet with elders for a meeting of the minds either. Who needs to live this way? Not you that is for certain. I am with your family on this one.


  2. Assalamualaikum

    I pretty much agree with Sister Najah above. He is probably a lost cause.

    But even if he is remorseful and doesn't have the courage to admit it, the only way forward is to only have a meeting with him in the presence of elders. That is the recommended way. If he is sincere then he will eventually understand and agree to it, otherwise he will realize that you are not an easy target and just go away.

    You also have to be careful by not giving him mixed signals. Be clear and firm that you will only get back together with him because of the kids and set reasonable conditions which he must fulfill before he is allowed back in your life. Again if he is serious, he will make it happen otherwise he will just fade away. Women in your position often get swayed by sentiments and that is why its good to have a cool headed elder in your corner.


  3. What do you mean "he lacks transparancy"? He couldn't be more transparent even if he tried! He doesn't care about your children and your family, he's just trying to milk money and other benefits out of you, especially now he has no job, nothing to do, no money. I don't understand why you'd be confused about what you should do when you're dealing with a man who does absolutely nothing of what a husban is supposed to do - not even by chore, but out of his own will to look after his family. You should have a chat with him and directly ask him where he sees your marriage going and what he plans on changes within himself and his own flaws. If he shows no sign of wanting to be pat of your family, and he sure doesn't act upon what he might tell you he wants to change, then perhaps considering a divorce is what you need to do.

    But please, do not provide for this man - don't give him even 1 penny. Don't let him use you.

  4. Sister why are you confused about such a clear matter. It's clear as day that he's not a provider to you and his kids as he should be islamically. All Muslims husbands have to work, take care of his family and ultimately lead his family to Jannah. Muslims wives are supposed to stay at home and take care of the children, her husband and her home. This isn't your case at all. Actually your mom isn't supposed to be raising your kids, that's your job. But because of your circumstances, you are doing two jobs at once, and that's working outside of your home and inside your home. Now, why do you want this good for nothin' man in your life? It's clear he doesn't want to have anything to do with his kids. You can't change him nor his circumstances. Keep him out of your life and continue caring for your mom and kids. Your doing that already anyway.

  5. Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    I advise you to ask him to meet you and then both of you get into seclusion, then have an open discussion. Ask him clearly what his intentions are. Ask him whatever you have a doubt about.

    Do not assume things as it will lead to nothing but misunderstandings and wrong conclusions. Possibility exists that he may be intending to extract money from you, but this need not be it. How will you know until you talk to him and have an honest discussion? Talk to him about the kids, about the provision.... He is supposed to provide for you and your children and you have no responsibility at all in this (provision) when you have a husband.

    Talk to him and let us know what happens. May Allah make it easy for you.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  6. Assalam alaikum sister,

    Your husband is quite transparent, but rather you could say he isn't the way you would like. It appears he isn't taking responsibility for you and I don't think it is wise for you to leave your job and security. I say that because it doesn't seem he has a real plan for you and your children. Have a good and clear conversation with him and if you do not see actual results, then you need to take care of yourself and your children. May Allah guide you and give you peace. I truly think there is a hidden agenda on the part of your husband and I think you should be very very careful. I have seen and worked with many women in situations like yours--Allah knows what is in our hearts. If you look at his past actions (or lack thereof!), you will see it very clearly. Try to use your head over your heart in this matter, it will be more clear.

    It is quite ironic that he holds you responsible for things that happened in Pakistan, but holds no responsibility for his own status as a father and husband. There is no need to be confused - be firm and clear in your decision. I read your previous post and this one and I don't see indications of change. I wonder what has been happening while you were separated--I think you can do better or even just be on your own for now. You are responsible, successful and I honestly feel fearful if you let this man back into your life. May Allah guide you and make it easy for you.

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