Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I met a beautiful girl while already engaged, so I prayed Istikhara

Assalamualaykum,

I am a muslim and I'm 24 years old. After my first breakup with a girl whom I truly loved and cared about, I had a girlfriend, not as beautiful but sincere, whom I dated for 3 years. I even got engaged to her and we had the intention of getting married one day. She smokes cigarettes and sometimes we do it together. It was normal for me. I did not really love her but we were doing good together. I loved my friends with whom I smoke weed everyday. I spent more time with my friends than her. I also often betrayed her behind her back, had sex with other women while she never did that to me. Her love for me always stayed the same despite my betrayals; she always wanted me back and once we were back we'd have sex. She accepted me for who I was but always told me to stop these bad habits of betraying her and loving my friends more than her.

One day, I met a really beautiful girl. She is three years older than me. The first week, we texted all the time and I told her my truth ...about how I often betray my fiancee and love to smoke weed. She is a girl who prays her salaat five times daily. She does not smoke and she wears hijab. She told me that she was the victim of witchcraft. Her engagement got broken twice and she never married the person she loved due to the fact that some unknown person had done black magic on her. She told me that now she is recovering and getting treatment (rukya). She also showed to me a video which her mom once filmed while she was getting her treatment and I could see her shouting and crying in the video while someone was reading the rukya.

That girl really loves me for who I am. She is determined to marry me. We had sex around 5 times on different occasions. A lot of times, I thought that I made the wrong decision by loving her, so I left her and went back to my fiance (around 5 to 6 times) and then returned back to the rukya girl. She always cries when I leave her. Then the fact that I think my life was better with the rukya girl made me leave my fiance to return back to her. With her I feel like another person. By the grace of God when she spoke to me about cigarette-smoking, I stopped smoking. I also had the habit of masturbating. Two weeks ago I told her the truth about it and she told me how bad it is and immediately I made a sincere apology with God, prayed salatul tasbeeh and stopped doing it since that day.

We also came to a mutual agreement not to have sex again until we are married. With her, I frequently dream during my sleep. Sometimes I dream about my fiancee. Because when I'm with her, I change myself for the better, Shaitaan frequently attacks me in every way, in my salaat and in my dreams. Last time when I was about to return to the rukya girl, I told my fiancee that I love the rukya girl and I love her for the hijab she wears, for the namaz she prays, for she doesn't smoke, encourages me to do good deeds and submits to me. My fiance quit smoking, started covering herself, started praying salaat and asking forgiveness since that day.

Today, just after i had Sehri, I decided to pray two rakaat of the Istikhara prayer and recited the supplications after the salah with the intent to have Allah make me realize which one of the girls is better for me. After the salah and just before going to bed, I read ayatul kursi and the 3 Quls (Last 3 surahs of the Quran) just to make sure I get protection against shaitaan so that my dream does not get affected and I slept just the way the prophet(pbuh) instructed, with both hands under the head while laying on the right side and by coincidence my head was facing the qiblah. I had three dreams:

1) I dreamt of my cousin telling me to make sure what I am doing and he immediately called his neighbour to tell him about my situation in such a way like rumous travel. (The very same cousin who told me when I broke my engagement to return back to my fiancee).

2) I dreamt of myself watching porn. There was a women on a man and when the woman was about to orgasm, I ejaculated in my dream. (Wetdream)

3) I was riding a peon’s (a maid) motorcycle together with my friend (the one with whom I used to smoke weed) and I had to return the motorcycle after using it. It was a brand new motorcycle, very fast, but not mine.

Dear people of understanding and of knowledge, I know that I made lots of mistakes in the past but now I want to change for the better. I know that there can never be a more profitable occasion than Ramadan to ask forgiveness from Allah.  Can anyone help me to interpret these dreams I just had. It was quite a shock to me to have had a wetdream as an answer and I am trying to take it positive. Please help oh God.

Note: just before posting this message, it happened that I saw my cousin (same one) by coincidence and I showed this message to him. While reading it he told me that he never knew that my fiance smokes or else he would have never told me to return back to her. He also told me to leave both girls and pursue my dreams. Not involve myself into both traps.

What should I do?

repenter

 

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11 Responses »

  1. There is so much wrong in this how you casually say you have sex outside marriage and smoke like its nothing. Forget about marriage and work on your foundation which is deen. And pray for forgiveness you have been committing one of the worst sins you can commit. And regards to the girls both of them don't sound good. Try get yourself one that is Muslim and pure no history,. She will make you strive better in yourself. But seriously pray forgiveness and stop what you doing and get your reward up.

    • He should marry one of the above-mentioned girls, not a 'pure no history' girl. 'Pure' girls have no interest in marrying a guy who has had casual sex just too many times with a number of partners.

      To the questioner: You need professional and psychological help for your sex addiction. In addition, please test yourself for STDs and severely ASK Allah Subhana Wataalah for forgiveness.

    • Why should he have a pure girl if he is not pure! Especially if he does not truly repent. That is unjust. Thank God Allah is just, merciful, and kind. He will give everyone the partner they deserve inshaaAllah.

  2. Asalamualaykum Brother,

    Something doesn't add up about your post.

    You say you are doing your salah, but if you really were doing your salah, you wouldn't be playing with women's feelings left and right. You would be more aware of what you are doing and would feel remorse over your behavior towards the first girl, not just confusion over which girl to pick. Once you were engaged to a girl, you shouldn't have had eyes for anyone else. Yes, you might feel an attraction here or there, but you wouldn't be taking it seriously and contemplating a future with someone when you are already engaged.

    It seems like you want to change for the "new girl," but change should come from within and be for Allah alone. Through Allah's acceptance of your repentance, you will gain much and He will guide you to what you should do.

    The wet dream means nothing in your case. It is from Shaytan.

    I know I'm having to be a bit hard on you brother, but I just want you to figure out your priorities in life, and prioritize Allah above all else. If you are not able to abstain from all the prohibitions at once, start small and Allah will assist you. Stop the smoking for one...it is unhealthy. Stop the weed if you are not taking it for medical reasons. Try to work on yourself and give these girls a break.

    Best,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • Young brother,

      Maybe you should truly repent. Leave both girls and work on bettering yourself. Casual sex in Islam is no joke and nor is having bad company that encourage you to commit bad deeds. Find better friends, learn tawheed and taqwa. Learn who our Creator is and grow closer to Him. Then you will feel better and able to think more clearly. You will also find peace. Read Quran with tafseer—back to basics.

      I agree with Nor—get tested for STD and if you find you have one, tell the girls so they can get tested as well. Sex is an act of worship And reward in a marriage and is dangerous outside of marriage. Maybe it is why Allah told us to wait until we are married.

      Hope things work out better for you.

  3. Tell all the things you told us to both of the girls or just show or read out to them the message you posted here.
    All the three dreams lead to only one thing: Tell the whole truth to 3 people. Your cousin (you've already told him), and both the girls.
    You have a good heart; Follow it.

  4. Assalamualaikum...dear brother read istiqfar and repent for the sins and inshallah Allah is most merciful and loves this slaves he will protect and guide u ....I suggest u to stop thinking abt all ur past and abt girls just focus on prayer and live a clean life ...follow the sunnah of prophet SAW and be punctual in ur prayers...keep urself alway from both girls but inform them and ask them also to repent and if Allah wishes DEFINATELY u will marry ...just focus on urself and dont let such temptations take u far from Allah nw and repent and only then u will be able to see the right path .....MAKE UR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLAH BETTER WHICH IS MOST IMPORTANT THEN EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE WILL BE TAKEN CARE AS ALLAH IS OUR GUARDIAN ITS ONLY HER KNW WHAT IS BEST FOR US DONT BE CONFUSED WITH ALL THIS WAS WASA ....RELAX AND FOCUS ON URSELF .

  5. What nonsense is this. You pray salat and fasts, yet you smoke weed, having sex, and having many girlfriends. This is not Islam. You have a problem when you see a beautiful girl or any girl that attracts you in some way that you don’t know if you can be with 1 woman. Trust me, I have known Muslim guys who have sex say that girls come after them and doesn’t see themselves with being 1 girl. You need to stop playing with girls and doing haram things. And then praying salat like You don’t know what you are praying. You need to seriously check yourself.

  6. Salaam, your confusion lies with the many haraam things that you are doing. You are down playing the actual crux of the issue here which is you and you seriously wrong lifestyle. The real issue isnt to whom you should marry as this is an issue of your character, and regardless of whom you marry you will still feel this unless and until you deal with yourself.
    It saddens me on your behalf that you appear to express little concern over your actions. Seek forgiveness and guidance from Allah. Leave the haraam. Give yourself time to instill good behaviour in yourself and the in a few years time consider marriage to a good muslim as otherwise you will only continue to cheat smoke etc.
    I hope this helps

  7. As salaamu alaykum,

    Dear brother, no one builds the house from roof down to foundation. Leave the girls aside and build relationship with Allah first. You don’t have that and it’s the most important. I am amazed how you talk about salaah, weed, sex, ruqya girl that also have sex and fiancée that does weed and have sex...like you are talking about something that is making you proud of. It was very brave if you ti even pray istiqhara salaah asking for irrelevant thing and not even once you showed remorse, regret, tawbah for what you do. Both of those girls are same as you... you all need to separate and turn to Allah. And then, He will give you want is best for all of you. You are Wining about “stupid things” (I’m sorry for saying this but wallah i lose my patience on spot when I see men as baby cries). It’s very funny that you don’t care about losing imaan but about girls... Ya Allah. Usama ra was 16 and leading Army after Muhammad as passed away and look what you talk about...girls. SubhanAllah I don’t like guys like this. I am so allergic I get anaphylactic shock. Fix relationship with Allah and leave all to Him. May He guide you and me and all of us towards His mercy and forgiveness ameen

  8. Dear Brother, I understand that you want to fix your life. However, your actions should be consistent with your intentions. You must follow through. Praying is a very good place to start. Alhamdulillah, you are somehow able to strive and make genuine efforts. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DAILY PRAYERS AT ALL COSTS. Seek forgiveness from Allah the Most Merciful only. Only He will change things in your life. Only He will show you the way. Starting by identifying the issues; 1) Smoking weed; 2) Bad influence from your friends; 3) Treating your fiancée like a third class somebody; 4) Having a side chick and 5) All the premarital sex. The ultimate goal being to lead a halal life and only performing actions that Allah SWT would be pleased with.
    1) and 2) might be closely related. If you have been influenced by your friends into smoking weed, maybe if you stay away from them, the pattern will be broken. AND also consider trying not to smoke everyday, you might make more lucid choices. Maybe join a support group or therapy, if it is too hard for you to stop.
    3) From the post, I understand that you two had the intention of getting married, as in you would be making her your wife- the person you would be spending the rest of your life with- she deserves way more respect than the crumbs you are giving her. She is not a door left open that you can always run to just because it's open. She is a real person with real emotions, dreams, a family and a future she must be planning already (and I can bet you're very much in the picture too).
    4) Relative to the girls, I strongly agree with what the other advices said; stop playing with their feelings. You sound very confused yourself. You cannot extinguish fire from your neighbour's house while your own house is on fire. Fight against your own demons first, and the rest will settle on its own, InChAllah.
    Be brutally honest. With yourself first. You already know who you chose, deep down. If you truly planned a future with your fiancée, you wouldn't be talking to Ruqya girl in the first place.
    5) The way you went about describing the situation with regards to this issue was very clumsy. Your sins are only between you and Allah. Seek forgiveness, as much as you can. Everyday. If your heart can feel remorse, it means it's still very much alive and kicking. It is still soft. It still remembers its maker, Allah SWT. It is still accountable for sins. Remember, it is not over until the trumpets are blown. Keep up with the Istighfar. Alhamdulillah you managed to pray Salatul Tasbeeh. Keep going. It is a whole journey. Get back up after every fall. Allah sees your every good deed and efforts. "So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it." 99:7
    InChAllah, everything will be better.

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