We committed sins together, now I must desert him
I am a 23 year old Christian and was brought up in a Religious Christian way but when I came to the UK, I met a Muslim man that never in my consciousness and spiritual belief that I could fall for. He was once a strict Islam follower but when he met me, he is like me who only followed our parents spriritual and moral teachings. I was never allowed to go out for date, or meet a man not until I met him and same with him.
After some time we came to the point that we done unrighteous things and unacceptable in the eyes of God. Both of us love each other, but religion is always in between us and became our barrier. I know very well about the beliefs of my religion and I honour and respect Islam as well.
Because of unselfish love for him, I’m planning to desert him, stay away from him so he will not commit any sin and he will do the right thing. I had physical contact with him for the first time out of wedlock. I knew it from the very first time that it is wrong and its not acceptable but it already happened.
I want to free ourselves from commiting more sin but I just can’t figure out how to start it. I love him so much and I just cant stay away but I know, it will never work. Shall I be the one to stay away? I know that I could never have love another man as special as him because I made him very special. I just couldn’t face another man because of the mistakes that we both have done, the sanctity of marriage is not possible for me with another man.
What will I do?
- gmina
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Here is my advice/thoughts to you:
01. The Messenger of Islam in one his hadeeth (prophetic saying) said, "I leave out no greater fitnah (temptation) for my nation except for women".
According to your description, the man that you met is a strict follower of Islam. It happened that there was a scholar among the Children of Israel, who worshiped Allah (God) for years, destroyed everything, both his worldy life and the after life by giving himself into the temptation of a woman. Ttherefore, those who give into the temptation of carnal desires unlawfully commit one the biggest sins. If your beau was truly a strict follower of Islam, he would have stopped seeing you right after meeting you for the first time. If he then intended to marry you, he would have approached your guardian (you father) first and should have followed proper Islamic protocol of proposing a girl for marriage. In that way, both your honor and his honor would have been preserved.
02. You said that you love the man unconditionally. In Islam, unconditional love can happen only if you love someone for the sake of Allah. Love for the sake of Allah has many aspects. One of the aspect is you do not expect from your spouse, you rather expect from Allah. For example, you may sincerely fulfill the emotional needs of your husband. Now if he does no reciprocate you the way you expect him to, do not get disappointed of him, for what you have done for your spouse, you have done it for the sake of Allah, and who can give a better recompense than the Lord of this universe? In this way, you benefit two ways: you get a reward form Allah and the relationship remains smooth too.
Believe it not, at the beginning, everything is romantic. Unconditional love therefore is easy. However, the Messenger of Allah knew reality more than anyone in this world. He therefore instructed both husbands and wives to love for the sake of Allah, so that they do not burst out if they do not get their expectations fulfilled by their better half as they expect. Same applies for everything- you befriend other people, you do it for the sake of Allah. You help other people, you do it for the sake of Allah.
Selfishness is ingrained in human mind. This could be overcome only if things are done for the sake of Allah. In that way, resentment does not grow in your mind, since you have sacrificed your expectations in order to get the reward from Allah. However, if your spouse/friend fulfill your expectations, that is a bonus.
3. To get the reward from Allah in the hereafter, the Messenger of Allah said that one has to be Muslim and die as Muslim. I said this with full respect to your religion. But since you have come to this Islamic website, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to Islam, the only religion accepted by Allah. Remember, I am inviting you only because I honestly want you to be saved from the Fire that Allah has already prepared for the deniers of His signs.
You can call the following letter of invitation a plagiarism. The sentences used in this letter were taken exactly from the eight letters the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) sent to eight mighty kings of his time. I could have framed a letter myself, but retreated thinking no Muslim can write a letter of Invitation to Truth that would be more effective than that of the Prophet in terms of conviction.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
From a Stranger (out of his responsibility as a Muslim to convey the Truth to others and out of his wish a fellow human being to be saved from Fire by the Mercy of Allah) to Ms. Gmina.
“Read in the name of thy Sustainer, who has created.
Created man out of a germ-cell!
Read - for thy Sustainer is the Most Bountiful One
who has taught [man] the use of the pen -
taught man what he did not know.” [The Noble Quran 96:1-5]
Peace be upon those who follow true guidance and believe in Allah and His messengers. I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and all His messengers, from Adam till Muhammad (May Allah’s peace be upon them), were His slaves and Muhammad (May Allah’s peace be upon him) is His final messenger to humankind.
Allah has no associate. He is the Sovereign, the Holy, the Source of Peace, the Giver of Peace, the Guardian of Faith, and the Preserver of Safety. He has taken neither a wife nor a son and I bear witness that Jesus (May Allah’s peace be upon him), the son of Mary, a messenger, is the spirit of Allah and His Word which He cast into Mary, the virgin, the good, the pure, so that she conceived Jesus (May Allah’s peace be upon him). Allah created him from His spirit and His breathing as He created Adam (May Allah’s peace be upon him) by His Hand.
Having said so, I call you to Allah alone with no associate and to His obedience and to accept Islam, the complete code of life and the ultimate submission to the will of the Creator, that was revealed to Adam, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Lot, Ishmael, Jacob, Joseph, Job, Jethro, Moses, Aaron, David, Solomon, Elijah, Elisha, Jonah, Ezekiel, Zechariah, John, Jesus and was finally perfected and completed through Prophet Muhammad, the seal of all messengers (May Allah’s peace be upon all of them). Allah have sent messengers to humankind from time to time in infuse fear of Allah in every living person and convey His message, so that the charge may be proved against those who reject the Truth in the Day of Judgment. Allah said:
“And be conscious of the Day on which you shall be brought back unto God, whereupon every human being shall be repaid in full for what he has earned, and none shall be wronged”. [The Noble Quran 2:281]
Whoever accepts Islam and the admonition of Allah, does it for his or her own good. If you embrace Islam, you will find safety and security (both in this world and the hereafter), and Allah, the Sublime, shall reward you doubly (both in this world and the hereafter). But if you refuse to do so, you will have to bear the burden of the transgression.
If you accept this invitation, forward this message to your family members, relatives, and friends. If you reject this invitation, I ask Allah to be witness that I have conveyed the message to you, and I recite to you the following verse from the Holy Quran:
"Say: ‘O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians), come to a word that is just between us and you, that we worship none but Allah, and that we associate no partners with Him, and that none of us shall take others as lords besides Allah.’ Then, if they turn away, say: ‘Bear witness that we are Muslims (the people who submitted to the will of the Creator).’”[The Noble Qur'an 3:64]
***
01. I have started a project of calling people to Islam through internet, and you are one such person to receive this invitation. You can consider this invitation one of the greatest invitations you have ever received, because accepting it would make you saved from a life of eternal regret, of course by the mercy of Allah. That being said, this invitation letter is like any other invitation letter; you can either accept or discard. Allah said:
“Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects evil and believes in Allah hath grasped the most trust worthy hand-hold, which never breaks. And Allah heareth and knoweth all things.” [The Noble Qur'an 2:256].
I can only convey the message. I cannot change the heart of people and I will not attempt that either. I leave that in the hand of Allah. He said:
“Verily! You guide not whom you like.” [The Noble Qur’an 28:56]
Allah however guides those who are truly humble and sincere in their approach to find the truth. He said:
"Those who behave arrogantly on the earth in defiance of right - them will I turn away from My signs: Even if they see all the signs, they will not believe in them; and if they see the way of right conduct, they will not adopt it as the way; but if they see the way of error, that is the way they will adopt. For they have rejected Our signs, and failed to take warning from them. Those who reject Our signs and the meeting in the Hereafter, vain are their deeds: Can they expect to be rewarded except as they have wrought?" [The Noble Qur'an 7:146-147]
02. You can read Quran from here: http://quran.com/
Stranger,
That was a beautiful call to Islam, great invite by The Noble Prophet(saw).
SisterZ
I met a devout Shia Muslim who prayed Salat, fasted, and observed all Muslim beliefs but when he met me, he proposed marriage and said it was not a sin to have sex with me because we had this pure love. He even prayed before sex, did wadu (spelling?) and everything. He even rescheduled meeting me sometimes because of his prayer times or he "doubled up" on his prayer so he could spend time with me. He met my friends, planned to go to California to meet my relatives, and all the while professing to be such a good Muslim. Then I discovered he had betrayed me, was really married, and living with his wife and son. This is America---you can't have more than one wife regardless of your religion. He knew that. He took advantage of me because he knew I would not go with him unless he proposed marriage. I was chaste and hadn't been with a man since my husband died many years ago.
But men are men and women are women. Do not be harsh on yourself. God gave us desires and if we make a mistake, we will be forgiven. If you love each other, marry. We all have souls and are children in the eyes of God. Don't judge yourself. There are much worse things to do in this life than to love someone.
Even though this Shia man did what he did to me, I experienced something I never thought possible and I know God has a reason for everything we go through. Even though this Muslim man broke my heart and lied before judges in court for something he falsely accused me of (to show his wife that I didn't matter to him), he has to face Allah and explain his actions. I leave it up to Him. My heart is sad but I found out what true character this "devout" Shia Muslim was. He is not a true Muslim---he is a betrayer and a cheat and I'm glad she's married to him and not me!
Salaam My Sister,
I am sorry for this sense of painful sense of sacrifice that you are experiencing. There would be no chapter, no verse: no ayat that would mention repentance, if God did not know that we sin. Not only is there ample opportunity for repentance, but also forgiveness and so do not sentence yourself to a life of misery just yet: you are acting in good faith, with clean heart and so I give you glad tidings from God, who says
"“Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has Faith, verily, to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.”Al Qur’an 16:97
It is very noble and decent of you to seek to end this sinful relationship, and it is clear that you are sincere in your repentance and that you truly want to live a clean and decent life.
The truth is that we are all accountable for our actions, so it is not a matter of who should cut of ties with who - you are free to make your own choices and it seems that you have made a very pure and god fearing choice of action in how to plan to move on from this situation, and may God reward you for that.
Although I know that you feel very guilty, (and of course, true repentance will have guilt and sincere intention to never repeat the sin again as part of the process) it is important that you do not martyr yourself and decide that you will never have a life of happiness and a future relationship with a more suitable partner, or a more honourable courtship. To think that there will never be happiness for you falls out of line with the sincere faith: as it is equal to thinking that when we give up a sin for God, we suffer as a consequence. This cannot possibly be the case. To think this way is to despair, despair is ingratitude, ingratitude is the failiure to recognise blessings and the failiure to recognise blessings is a sin and disease of the heart: protect yourself from this. Recognise the many blessings you have in your life, your youth, your future, all of the possibilities that are available to you, your health, your limbs, your faith, your ability to make decisions, the fact that you woke up this morning: able to read and write, able to create a life for yourself....so many things to be grateful for
You will naturally go through a grieving process as you mourn the loss of a relationship and it's future: however grief too must come to an end, and everything must be in moderation in order to find true happiness - so do transform yourself into a hopeless victim, lost and forever without love in your life.
Recognise the strength and faith in yourself and celebrate it, that you are strong and willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary and determined to find the chaste and proper happiness: this is nothing that should bring sadness and misery. The sanctity of marriage is possible for everybody, including you. Recovery from a mistake is possible, finding happiness is possible: everything is possible - but first you have to keep the faith. After hardship comes ease.
I know and also pray that you recover from this with strength and move forward to a happy life, in a clean relationship with a good man and find the inner peace that accompanies strong faith in good times and bad times, and that you reconnect with the hope of a good future in spite of whatever hardships we have to deal with as part of life's process.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Although I know that you feel very guilty, (and of course, true repentance will have guilt and sincere intention to never repeat the sin again as part of the process) it is important that you do not martyr yourself and decide that you will never have a life of happiness and a future relationship with a more suitable partner, or a more honourable courtship. To think that there will never be happiness for you falls out of line with the sincere faith: as it is equal to thinking that when we give up a sin for God, we suffer as a consequence. This cannot possibly be the case
Leyla,
Sometimes, this isn't realistic. Sometimes I feel that muslims truly believe that God operates consistently outside of reality. That's not the case. Yes, He sent zamzam to relieve Hajra in the desert; but that doesn't mean that eveyrone who is left alone in the desert will come upon a beautiful steam of spring water to relieve them of their thirst and desperation.
Hope has to have realistic boundaries. If a muslim woman lives in a non-muslim country, with few muslims in or around her community, the chances of marriage are almost nil. I am living proof. I will soon be 40 and have had almost no prospects, while i watch my fellow non-muslim women easily get married, have children, stay happy etc. I have prayed endlessly, and while I do believe that my prayers are heard, I don't believe that miracles happen to us on a daily basis.
I did give up a non muslim man, even though I desperately loved him and he treated me far, far better than any muslim man who has been introduced to me personally or via the internet. So I made the ultimate sacrifice -- giving up the dream of a beautiful husband and children, right on the eve of the end of my childbearing years and knowing that my parents are now elderly and I could be truly ALONE very soon -- but do I believe that in response to that sacrifice I will be given everything that I want? I believe it is possible -- God is Great -- but it is unlikely.
Sometimes being a martyr is the only way to get through this despair.