Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I Need HELP!! so URGENT!!! PLEASE

Muslim woman in hijab

AOA, I want to share something with you. I've been married since 1.5 years and Allah blessed me with a baby girl. there was a baby boy before her but died. my in laws blamed me for his death and as so my husband. Now my daughter is 1 month old and i am at my dad's home. My mother in-law dont like my family, she spoiled my every precious moment i wana spend with my husband and told him lies about me and my family and specially about my mother. Now he hates me alot and dont want me back, i tried alot to made him happy but he is totally in his mother's control. Now the situation is worst, because he said lot of bad stuff ( i can't even explain) about my mother and sister. What should i do now? Should i give him divorce?  because he is not even sorry for what he did. please help me. please guide me.

Aminadj

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11 Responses »

  1. Why would you even contemplate living with someone who has no respect or care towards you and child. You already know the answer. Divorce him.

    • I wish this could be easy noreen.. i loved him from the moon and stars.. n still hope that he calls me back.. i wana move on but how?

    • Sorry not to disrespect but saying "divorce him" its a terrible way to advise anyone. She needs time and figure things out with clear mind. Then if she think that divorce is the best only option then I guess it is. Islam is about being patience and pray to Allah to guide a person. You can't marry and divorce anytime you want.

  2. When two people love each other nothing matters....but this is unfortunate. ...But Allah knows best.... Sister you have nothing to lose...Life will go own and be positive...You shaitan plays with weak people.When IMAN is not rooted properly and we don't do are daily amals then what do you expect...SALAH quran zikr Dua dawah is your key for a happy peaceful bless full life...These are the ingredients. .We should also attach ourselves to the mosque activities aND women's programs....Also questions should be asked to a Sunni scholor.

    • Assalamalaikum, Mr. Raul,

      Isn't better for you to follow the Quran and the hadiths as the Prophet (SAW) taught us rather than talking about SOME TABILIGHI JAMAATH who claim to be true Sunnis.

      The fatwas of some of the scholars concerning Jamaa’at al-Tableegh:

      1 – Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz said:

      Jamaa’at al-Tableegh do not have proper understanding of the issues of ‘aqeedah, so it is not permissible to go out with them, except for one who has knowledge and understanding of the correct ‘aqeedah of Ahl al-Sunnah wa'l-Jamaa'ah, so that he can guide them and advise them, and cooperate with them in doing good, because they are very active, but they need more knowledge and someone who can guide them of those who have knowledge of Tawheed and the Sunnah. May Allaah bless us all with proper understanding of Islam and make us steadfast in adhering to it.

      Majmoo’ Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 8/331

      2 – Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan said:

      Going out for the sake of Allaah does not refer to the kind of going out that they mean nowadays. Going out for the sake of Allaah means going out to fight. What they call going out nowadays is a bid’ah (innovation) that was not narrated from the salaf.

      Going out to call people to Allaah cannot be limited to a certain number of days, rather one should call people to Allaah according to one's abilities, without limiting that to a group or to forty days or more or less than that.

      Similarly the daa’iyah must have knowledge. It is not permissible for a person to call people to Allaah when he is ignorant. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “Say (O Muhammad): This is my way; I invite unto Allaah (i.e. to the Oneness of Allaah — Islamic Monotheism) with sure knowledge”

      [Yoosuf 12:108]

      i.e., with knowledge, because the caller must know that to which he calls people, what is obligatory, mustahabb, haraam and makrooh. He has to know what shirk, sin, kufr, immorality and disobedience are; he has to know the degrees of denouncing evil and how to do it.

      The kind of going out that distracts people from seeking knowledge is wrong, because seeking knowledge is an obligation, and it can only be achieved by learning, not by inspiration. This is one of the misguided Sufi myths, because action without knowledge is misguidance, and hoping to acquire knowledge without learning is an illusion.

      From Thalaath Mihaadaraat fi’l-‘Ilm wa’l-Da’wah.

      And Allaah knows best.

      “Jamaa’at al-Tableegh” is one of the groups that are working for Islam. Their efforts in calling people to Allaah (da’wah) cannot be denied. But like many other groups they make some mistakes, and some points should be noted concerning them. These points may be summed up as follows, noting that these mistakes may vary within this group, depending on the environment and society in which they find themselves. In societies in which knowledge and scholars are prevalent and the madhhab of Ahl al-Sunnah wa’l-Jamaa’ah is widespread, the mistakes are much less; in other societies these mistakes may be greater. Some of their mistakes are:

      1 – Not adopting the ‘aqeedah of Ahl al-Sunnah wa'l-Jamaa'ah. This is clearly seen from the variations in the ‘aqeedah of some of their members and even of some of their leaders.

      2 – Their not paying attention to shar’i knowledge.

      3 – Their misinterpretation of some Qur’aanic verses in a manner that was not intended by Allaah. For example they interpret the verses on jihad as referring to “going out for da’wah”. The verses which mentioned the word khurooj (going out) etc. are interpreted by them as meaning going out for da’wah.

      4 – They make their system of going out for da’wah an act of worship. So they started to misquote the Qur’aan to support their system which specifies certain numbers of days and months. This system, which they think is based on evidence from Qur’aan, is widespread among them in all countries and environments.

      5 – They do some things that go against sharee’ah, such as appointing one of them to make du’aa’ for them whilst the group goes out for da’wah, and they think that their success or failure depends on whether or not this man was sincere and his du’aa’ accepted.

      6 – Da’eef (weak) and mawdoo’ (fabricated) ahaadeeth are widespread among them, and this is not befitting for those who aim to call people to Allaah.

      7 – They do not speak of munkaraat (evil things), thinking that enjoining what is good is sufficient. Hence we find that they do not speak about evils that are widespread among the people, even though the slogan of this ummah – which they continually repeat – is:

      “Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islam), enjoining Al-Ma‘roof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden). And it is they who are the successful”

      [Aal ‘Imraan 3:104 – interpretation of the meaning]

      The successful are those who enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil, not just those who do only one of the two.

      8 – Some of them fall into self-admiration and arrogance, which leads them to look down on others, and even to look down on the scholars and describe them as inactive and sleeping, or to show off. So you find them talking about how they went out and travelled, and they saw such and such, which leads to unfavourable results, as we have mentioned.

      9 – They regard going out for da’wah as better than many acts of worship such as jihad and seeking knowledge, even though those things are obligatory duties, or may be obligatory for some people but not others.

      10 – Some of them audaciously issue fatwas, and discuss tafseer and hadeeth. That is because they allow each one of them to address the people and explain to them. This leads to them speak audaciously on matters of sharee’ah. So the inevitably speak of the meaning of a ruling, hadeeth or verse when they have not read anything about it, or listened to any of the scholars. And some of them are new Muslims or have only recently come back to Islam.

      11- Some of them are negligent with regard to the rights of their children and wives. We have discussed the seriousness of this matter in the answer to question no. 3043.

      Hence the scholars do not allow people to go out with them, except for those who want to help them and correct the mistakes that they have fallen into.

      We should not keep the people away from them altogether, rather we must try to correct their mistakes and advise them so that their efforts will continue and they will be correct according to the Qur’aan and Sunnah.

  3. Salam Sister
    It is really hard to live with a person who have no respect and love for you. But you have a girl as well. Talk to your husband and explain him that how badly his behaviour going to affect his daughter. How she is going to take a married life as a burden not a blessing if both of you keep arguing. Allah may give him guidance and he got soft heart. I don't know but when man treats a girl he forgets that she is also someone's daughter but when it's about their own daughters their mind gets change miraculously.
    Discuss to your mum and dad about your thoughts regarding divorce. Take their opinion as well because after divorce your parents are going to support you.
    I'm not saying do compromise but look at situation from all perspectives than take decision. Life is not easy. Make everything clear for yourself than take decision. You are the best person who knows what to do, no one can tell you.
    Write down pros and cons on a paper after divorce ond staying with that person.
    Don't pAnic; don't take urgent decision
    Allah definitely give you right path.
    InshaAllah
    Jzk

    • I told him everything. That his daughter gonna effect so badly than us.. but he dont give a damn about it.. he is living his life with his parents. He dont need us.. his pics and trips.. i saw in fb.. he blocked me there but just to know .. i made a fake id to see him.. no regrets at all.. he is fine and happy.. how love and blood become so fade and colorless that he dont even miss his daughter?..

  4. Salam Sister,

    It is a most unfortunate thing when a mother in law oversteps her boundaries and interferes in her child's married life. I have witnessed several marriages destroyed by the meddling of the mother in law and I still don't understand the logic. The sad part is that the children are greatly affected by it all and end up with a broken family unit. I do not know how any woman could live with herself knowing that she is the cause of breaking up a family. Surely that is not what is best for anyone. Use your common sense and search within your heart and decide what is best for you. If a man does not have respect towards you and cannot treat you with kindness, what is he worth to you?

    Allah hu alem
    Salam

    • I am confused.. i will leave him but what about my daughter? What when she ask me.. mama where is my dad? Why he left us? Why he dont love us? I am afraid of these queations.. i will do job and will try my best to give my daughter the best life. I am confused..

      • Three question should thought by your husband not you. What about those questions that she will ask when she saw ban relationship between you two. In some situations you can compromise but if you can bring her up on your own and your parents are supporting you than there is no point to get yourself insulting by anyone. If you will keep listening bad words, losing your self respect, confidence and dignity. I thing it make more adverse affect on your daughter. It's his responsibility to bear all expenses of your daughter.
        But as I said before ultimate decision must be yours you better know your situation than anyone else. Ask your parents, they can better guide you and in future if you will face any problem they are only one who support you.
        Allah protect everyone.
        Please forgive me if I said anything wrong; it's just my opinion.

        Jzk

  5. Walaikumassalaam, ya sister.

    I'm assuming approaching him and his parents either by you or by you and your parents together to clarify their accusations wouldn't work because either they would give false proofs or they wouldn't talk to you and your parents at all, which is clearly they going against the rules of Allah.

    At that point, the only solution is to terminate the marital relationship, where the couple leave each other: {But if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance.} [Quran 4:130] ,

    So, going by the above ayah, it shouldn't be difficult for you to let your marriage go and raising up your daughter. You just need to put your trust in Allah.

    After divorce, the husband is responsible for the education and maintenance of the children. The children live with the mother till the age of Hizanat which is seven years for son and age of puberty for daughters.
    After the age of Hizanat, the children have the right to live with the father or the mother, and their opinion will be considered by the court but will not be taken as conclusive and decisive factor.

    Although divorce being allowed in Islam is a sign of the lenience and practical nature of the Islamic legal system, keeping the unity of the family is considered a priority for the sake of the children. For this reason, divorce is always a last choice, after exhausting all possible means of reconciliation.

    For example, Allah addresses men asking them to try hard to keep the marriage, even if they dislike their wives: And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. Quran Surah Nisa 4 :19

    Also the following ayath is addressed to women asking them the same thing:

    And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.Quran Surah Nisa 4 :128

    Again, the following ayath is addressed to the family or the society for the same purpose of rescuing this bond, which God did not make easy to break:
    And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things]. Quran Surah Nisa 4 :35

    But, if after exhausting all methods of reconciliation, the hatred between the husband and wife is still greater than tolerance, then divorce becomes inevitable. Here comes the genius of the Islamic law, which holds practical, rather than unrealistic approaches, towards real situations. The ultimate aims of marriage, as well as any other aspect of human life, are to achieve happiness and virtue. So, when people are denied their right to end an unhappy marriage, these two aims are seriously violated. This is, as the couple will live in suffering, which may lead them to marital infidelity. Thus divorce in this case – if weighed up to the disaster of family disintegration - will be less disastrous.

    There are 4 main methods of separation in Islam:

    • Granting of Divorce by the Husband – Talaq

    • Separation by way of consent between the parties – Khula

    • Dissolution of Marriage – Faskh-e-Nikah

    • When the power of Talaq is transferred to the Wife – Tafweedh-e-Talaq

    Allaah encourages the husband and wife to appoint arbitrators as the first step to aid in reconciliation in the process of divorce. If the reconciliation step fails, both the man and woman are guaranteed the right to divorce as established in the Quran, but the difference lies in the procedure for each one. When a divorce is initiated by the man, it is known as Talaaq.

    The pronouncement by the husband may be verbal or written, but once made, there is to be a waiting period of three months ('Iddah) during which there can be no sexual relations, even though the two are living under the same roof.

    The waiting period helps to prevent hasty terminations due to anger and allows both parties time to reconsider as well as to see if the wife is pregnant. If the wife is pregnant, the waiting period is lengthened until she delivers. At any point during this time, the husband and wife are free to resume their conjugal relationship, thereby ending the divorce process. During this waiting period, the husband remains financially responsible for the support of his wife.

    The divorce initiated by the wife is known as Khul or Khula'(if the husband is not at fault) and requires that the wife return her dowry to end the marriage because she is the 'contract-breaker'. In the instance of Talaaq, where the husband is the 'contract-breaker', he must pay the dowry in full in cases where all or part of it was deferred, or allow the wife to keep all of it if she has already been given it in full.

    In the case that the husband is at fault and the woman is interested in divorce, she can petition a judge for divorce, with cause. She would be required to offer proof that her husband had not fulfilled his marital responsibilities. If the woman had specified certain conditions that are Islamically accepted in her marriage contract, which were not met by the husband, she could obtain a conditional divorce.

    Feel free to ask more questions.

    Salaam.

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