Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need help to avoid an illicit relationship

Dunya

Assalaamalaikum,

i am a married man with two grown children, for the last three months I have been attracted to a much younger lady, I have avoided meeting her privately  that is one to one (but have met her in the company of other people), I have exchanged posts (not very intimate in nature but flirtatious nevertheless)... every-time I resolve to stop, I make dua and ask Allah SWT for forgiveness and to lead me away from this path... I succeed for a few days and then find myself wanting to chat with her again.

The physical part of my marriage is almost over and slipping into an illicit relationship with this woman is so easy..... i have contemplated the following:

  1. Speaking truthfully to my wife about my feelings.......
  2. Considering a second marriage ( not to the woman mentioned above as she will never be a muslima).... in this case too I will need to speak to my wife!

P.S My wife has been wonderful to me all these years and i have no reason to complain... its only for the last two years or so that the physical part of our relationship, slowly came to an end.

mominontrial

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5 Responses »

  1. Asalaamu alaikum this is a major test for you brother please be careful, shaytaan is waiting for you to slip. Sounds like you already know what to do speak to your wife honestly about your feelings ask if theres any emotional or mental reasons that may be affecting her, if things really are truly good between you maybe she just didnt realise how youre feeling. Marriage is huge dont ruin it and regret for possibly your whole life just because some young one is stroking your ego for a few moments. Speak to her make dua and then make a decision from there... i wouldnt upset her by straight away asking to marry another wife, just speak to her first.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Brother,

    Sharing your feelings with your wife seems that it would help lift a burden from your shoulders, but all it would do is transfer that burden to your wife. We don't know your wife, so we really don't know how she would react, but chances are it would hurt her deeply and make her feel like a failure. I can't remember the post, but there was a man who married a 2nd time and though his first wife accepted it, she changed drastically and that was unbearable for him. Even if your wife 'happily' accepts your idea of a 2nd wife, without being in that situation, even she does not know how that will make her feel--in other words, there are not guarantees.

    Furthermore, marrying a 2nd time doesn't solve the problems in the current marriage and I am not sure that that is a good reason to marry. Why is your marriage suffering? Have you done everything possible to rectify the situation? Have you and your wife given each other a fair chance to fix the marriage?

    Even if you marry a second time, over time, there is no guarantee that another 'young woman' won't stir your emotions again--you could be married to a maximum of 4 times and still get these emotions...don't you think? Perhaps this is a time for you to be a little more introspective and figure out what you can do to change how other women affect you because the pressures and responsibilities of another marriage come along with 'happy' feelings you seek to find. I would advise you to be careful of being hasty.

    May Allah swt ease your problems and help you to find a solution within your marriage, Ameen.

  3. You have acknowledged a potential sin. Good for you. For your main issue, physical relations with your wife, are there any health problems? First make sure of this. Do you have children?? Alot of women are reluctant to sex after giving birth for many reasons. And if it's not either of those, then speak frankly with your wife. She may not feel attractive to herself or you and that will hinder how she feels about intimacy. Know that alot of emotion goes into how women feel about sex. Make sure you let her know how much you love her, how much she means to you and how you long to be with her physically because of these things. Be gentle and caring, and if you have a good marriage otherwise, she will be honest with you. Agian stress how you really want her and her body, she will appreciate and will want to be physical with you.

    As far as I have seen, second marriages create more hurt and problems than they intended to fix. So think carefully and wisely.

  4. OP: The physical part of my marriage is almost over and slipping into an illicit relationship with this woman is so easy..... i have contemplated the following:
    Speaking truthfully to my wife about my feelings.......
    Considering a second marriage ( not to the woman mentioned above as she will never be a muslima).... in this case too I will need to speak to my wife!

    Has your wife refused to do it with you or you no longer are able to.....
    How would you feel if your wife does the same with a younger guy..... and speak truthfully about her feelings with you
    If you can't marry that young woman why are you flirting with her......
    You have avoided meeting her privately.....really are you trying to imply that you are a very pious man

  5. Brother,
    isometimes the relationships go cold after many years of marriage sometimes we change our selfs without noticing, maybe you used to be more caring, sweet and/or romantic, woman crave the attention and nice words from our husbands!
    to us being emotionally met is very important as to you the physical contact, that being said why don't you try to light that spark back in her eyes?

    Take her out for a romantic dinner, buy her flower just because take her on a weekend trip, try to spend more time just with her.

    If you don't want to talk to her try that first the best will be talking to her of course and letting her know how you feel.

    Cut all communication with this other woman as it won't bring anything good to your life.

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