Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need help with the problems in my marriage

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Excuse my english is not so good i hope you understand my issue.

I met my husband when i was 20 and we married 3months after i met him. We're married for 7years now. In the beginning he was very loving and nice exept he was very jealous and suspicious. His father is also a suspicious person my mother in law said he always accused her of looking to other men and was jealous etc. And my husband also acuses me that i look at men and he accuses me of stupid things when we go out now i am even afraid to look up when we go out or when we are in the car.

I never go out alone, even my daughter im only permitted to take her to school unless there's no one else to take her and my mother in law has to go with me and mostly his sister takes her or he does. He takes me to my parents once a week .

He always used to ask me if i never had a boyfriend before. I always denied before we got married because someone told me it is my right not to tell anyone about my past if i had done something wrong thats between me and Allah swt. And also because he is a friend of my brother in law and i was afraid that he'd tell him and my sister and relatives would come to know. A month after we got married i got pregnant and he still asked me about my past he used to tell me such a beautiful girl its impossible that you were never approached by other men or never had a boyfriend.

Before he married me he had several girlfriends and he regularly visited prostitutes he told me that after we got married. I was a couple of months pregnant and he asked me again and told me i had nothing to be afraid of what happened before because that was in the past. i already felt guilty that i lied to him so i decided to tell him the truth. i told him that i had a boyfriend for a couple if months when i was 18. And i saw him only a few times and i told him that he kissed me and i regretted for my past.

He suddenly slapped me in my face and became very violent and started calling me names and told me i was a whore and and that im worthless and my family too. he told me he would kill me and he d wake me up in the middle of the night and shout and hit me. After a 3days going on like that i was afraid that he d kill me for real or i'd have a miscarriage so i called my parents and they took me back home. Then he called me every day and asked me to come back and said he was sorry i told him, that he wont be able to live with me now he knows my past because he's a very jealous type but he said he'd forgotten all about it. After 2 weeks i returned to him. He didn't mention it anymore and he acted normal and he was sweet and laughed and played with me like nothing happened.

Unless we'd have an argument he'd bring up everything of my past up and i had to say i was sorry. Then he wouldn t speak to me for 3days sometimes a week. Then he'd become normal again untill the next arguement. But he'd still tell me that he loved me and he was happy that he married me because im a good and obedient wife and i dont go out and i dont do anything wrong.

Then when my daughter was a year and a half we moved from our appartment and moved to my in laws house because he didnt pay the rent. He acted very irresponsible with money and he'd buy things for his family and pay for everything for them while he didnt pay our rent or other bills and he has a lot of traffic tickets for driving with speed and wouldnt pay that also.

He also didn't give me my dowry but i've told him from the beginning that he doesnt need to because i only want his love and companion. After a while our debts were to much and he told me to live with my in laws only for a year and he'd go work so we can pay everything. Now we live here almost 4years. And we still havent payed those debts and have even more because he started to buy luxurious cars and didnt pay their taxes and has more traffic tickets and those other bills have intrest so they become more.

Now that we live here he changed a lot. He has 2 brothers and i have to wear my hidjaab in the house also because of them i cant laugh or speak so they wont hear me. when we have an argument he yells and shouts and im not allowed to speak so that my in laws wont hear. But he ridicules me and abuses me verbally in front of them. Last time he wanted to hit me in front of his mother and sisters. He tells me now that he regretted marrying me. And that he hates me.

A couple of years ago i caught him watching porn and he got angry and he told me that its my fault because of my past and thats how he forgets it i told him that made no sense then he hit me in the face and told me thats his business then wouldnt speak to me for days and ignoring me like i dont exist. He watched before we were married and never stopped because i found a lot of evidence on our laptop and his mobile phone and he himself told me that he used to watch porn every day before we got married. He also looks at other women and girls.

Last year we had our second child, a son. He started to travel regularly for no reason and he'd call me once in a while but i really trusted him bcause he has a lot of knowledge about islam and he prays an did umra and fasts and gives zakah. He acts like he hates me in front of his family members and pretends i make horrible mistakes. When we go to sleep he barely even touches or looks at me he just commands me to take my clothes off or tells me to satisfy him orally he has his eyes closed and when he's done he turns his back on me and sleeps i feel so used but i wont tell him and i never refused on him even when i m sick.. when i have my periods or postnatal bleeding i satisfy him oraly every day until im back clean. I tell him that i love him and he doesnt evn answer or he gets angry and tells me i woke him up. but he wakes me up in the night to massage his neck or back and i cant even say that im tired.

Now when i say something about his behaviour he gets really angry and he shouts so every one can hear. He tells me he got married young and hasnt seen his life because he married young age that really hurts me we had a love marriage and he didnt want to wait.

Now he always threathens me that he'd take a second wife if i dont shut up and take things the way they are. Even in front of his family he makes fun of me and says that he wants to marry. A couple of weeks ago i found a girls number on his mobile phone under a mans name i saw her profile picture on whatsapp wearing very tight clothes it made me sick. I couldnt believe my eyes especially after he did umrah january this year i did not expect this from him.

I haven't told him anything and it's killing me. I can't tell him because I'm afraid that he will hit me for looking in his phone and he also blackmails me that if i make one more mistake that he'd marry another woman. I am so confused and scared i lost so much weight i cant think clearly im depressed i dont know what to do.

I do not want to tell anyone from my family because i dont want to humiliate him or make them think that he s a bad man because he wasnt - he just changed. i learned a lot from him he taught me how to pray right because i did some wrong things, he learned me several dua and other things.

We live in europe so im born a muslim but we weren't really religiously raised but now i wear my hidjaab and i pray and i try my best to be a good muslim wife and mother..

I still love him very much and i dont want my children to grow up without their father, it just bothers me that i found this girls phonenumber should i confront him with it or what should i do? He has changed too much like he doesnt even care for me. He doesnt work but he s always busy and never has time for us.

When he takes me to my family i pretend to be very happy whilst in my heart i m devastated. The only thing that kept me with him was his love but now i feel like he does not love me anymore and im just a slave the way he treats me. he barely even speaks with me exept when he commands me to do something or shout at me.

Is it haram for him to talk to other women bcause he says he has the right to? How should i deal with him when he brings up my past again? Should i confront him with the fact that he has contact with other women? Does he have the right threaten me to take another woman? And if i ask for divorce will i be cursed by Allah - he tells me i will? please give me your advice in islamic way and make dua for me and my kids. Thank u may allah reward you.

fatemah


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7 Responses »

  1. Salam fatimah

    I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

    I have to say by thinking about things realistically. Your husband will never change. You have either start to become strong in your heart and intentions or divorce him. Since you say you confronted him about many things and he told you of the prostitutes and you found a number of a women then this clearly states that he doesn't respect you. Praying and doing umrah doesn't make you a good Muslim. Your characteristics is what makes you a good husband and Muslim. He knows how to play you and to make anything turn to his advantage as you weren't strong enough to stand your ground as a wife and women. he can throw different comments and threaten you that he will marry again because he knows you will beg and cry. Try this and call his bluff. If he says ill marry again. Dont cry dont be sad and don't change your tone of voice and say I think that's a good idea I think you should. But remember be strong!

    Its really up to you fatimah. You can be patient and carry on your duty as a wife because at the end he will be questioned for everything he has done to you by Allah swt. Or you can divorce him if you feel you can't deal with the situation. And no it doesn't make you a bad person for being a divorcee. You think the best for you and your kids islamically,mentally and physically.because its you who has to live the life no one else.

    Inshallah I pray Allah give you patience and gives you the strength in deciding the best.

    Salam!

  2. Sister ,

    When i was reading your post i was under the impression that you are living in some third world country only to read it later about your stay in Europe . This shows some people don't change wherever they stay .

    He did Umrah for what ? Just to show it to the world ? Hard to digest this man.. Completed umrah ,prays and then watches Porn and girl friends ? You should take on him directly saying Porn is haraam ,Talking to non mehrem women is haraam . Having affair is haraam and it is not related to polygamy concept .

    Sister ,i suggest you to come further closer to Islam and starts following it regularly .You take on him directly about all haraam stuff he is doing . If he doesn't stop his haraam way just tell him you can't live sinfull life with him ..Tell him you want to lead islamic life and his haraam action will lead him to hell and effect the kids badly . Challenge him to follow the path of Islam if he has imaan .
    Challenge him to stop porn if he is the follower of our beloved prophet (SA) .
    Challenge him to stop all haraam interaction with non mehrem girls if he worries about life after death .

    Follow islam .It will give you power to face this challenges .

  3. Salaam sister,
    I am sorry to learn that you are going through this situation.I see you as loving and caring wife.I would advise you to gather what books or lectures you can get about the rights of women upon their husbands and vice versa.This may bring him back to his senses.As you said he is religious, remind him to act accordingly.On your side, increase your Ibadah, pray hard and be patient.

    If all these don't help, reach out to your family or his family.Don't this consume you alone.You need help because it may affect your mental health.

  4. Salaam aleikum sister,

    I'm very sad to read about your situation.

    Your husband has not changed in 7 years, perhaps he is worse than before. The way he was digging into your past is because he had a past and people who have significant pasts can sometimes become suspicious of everyone else. Especially if they haven't repented and moved on from those wrongs they committed. So they prod and prod and even if they don't find anything they will suspect you of something or another. They will then use this against you no matter what past they have. These are unfortunately people of little faith and who have a desire to control and manipulate others.

    Your husband is abusive, physically, emotionally and perhaps even sexually. He uses intimidation and coercion to get what he wants from you. He has got you under his thumb and unfortunately he has very little eman and taqwa of Allah swt if he really treats you the way you have described.

    You have told him that you're not happy about his bad habits before- and he hit you. He embarrasses you in front of his family. He is an oppressive man.

    I understand you want to keep your family together. But you're going to have to figure out how to bring back your self respect into this marriage and simply say and mean NO. I suspect you standing up to him will result in physical violence from him. Therefore I would advocate for your safety. I would leave, go and stay with my family and only agree to work on the marriage if he takes real steps to doing so.

    You're 27 years old- you are young and you have no idea how desperately sad your story is. Don't allow yourself to die from within because of a husband who seems to have no regard for you, abuses you and will continue to do so. Unless you put your foot down he will continue. Unless you remember who you are he will remind you of how foul and low you are to him. U less you realise that the past is something you left behind and that he has no business with he will keep using it to his sick advantage. Unless you remind yourself that you, a young beautiful woman accepted his proposal and have dedicated yourself to being an honourable and loving wife but that HE is the one breaking down every right and responsibility you will not be happy. This is not a good marriage currently and you will have to chose how much more you're willing to take and for how long you'll allow yourself to be oppressed by him.

    Most importantly pray and beg Allah swt to show you a way out of this misery. I will make dua for you sis.

    • I agree.
      I haven't read your entire post but enough to to know that your a victim of domestic violence, and your husband sounds like a narcissist.
      It's unlikely he will change, you need to decide now whether you want you and your children to live in this horrible environment.
      May Allah swt make things easy for you sis

  5. Asalamu alikum,

    I have read your story many times, and I just want to send you a virtual hug my dear.

    For your questions...

    Is it haram to talk to other women: http://islamqa.info/en/172983 it's haram!! He can make whatever excuses he wants. But it's haram.

    How should i deal with him when he brings up my past again? Bring up his past with the prostitiutes and bring up his current affair. Don't be shy sister. He wants to taunt you, so taunt him back. Why should you trust him? Really, you shouldn't beleive him.

    Should i confront him with the fact that he has contact with other women? Ofcourse you should, unless you want to be living as a door mat for the rest of your life. If you enjoy being cheated on and unappreciated and abused, don't say anything. Let him know that you are aware of what he does and he needs to change.

    Does he have the right threaten me to take another woman? He can get married again. Maybe tell him go ahead but before that please divorce me and make the next woman's life a living hell. And you must pay child support no matter how far you are from me. Sue him in court sister. Don't be afraid of this master manipulator.

    And if i ask for divorce will i be cursed by Allah - he tells me i will? Lol. Lol. Oh my dear. Don't be fooled by this man and his so called sayings. Please my dear, do your research about your rights. If you are being abused, physically, emotionally and you are unhappy, marriage is not a life sentence. You can leave bad husbands. Really you can. If Allah will curse you for leaving him, then he has another creator, because he seems to be making his own rules whenever it suits him.

    My dear, I know a part of you loves him. But he abuses you, threatens you, humility ares you infront of everyone, and is a terrible example as a father. It's better to have no father than an abusive one. Do you want your daughter to be married to someone like him? Then teach her, to stand up for herself and move on when life gets tough, not to take abuse from people.

    Keep your kids safe one day, away from the home. Have a very serious discussion, tell him if he does not change his abusive ways and stops cheating ..you are leaving. If he holds you back, call the police.

    You need to see is man for who he is. An abuser. Look up emotional abuse, physical abuse and you fit right in. He is playing you like a fiddle, trying to control you and keep you afraid. Please be aware of his game, and wake up and realize you are the one who is losing out on happiness. He is manipulating you my dear, wake up.

    Marriage is kind, loving, and peaceful. Not all the time, but if your husband is abusive,..you really have no obligation to him.

    Find the courage sister to see who he is, talk to your parents, and do leave if he cannot change. You are not obligated to stay married if you are treated poorly.

    You are in a free country, pack your bags and walk out the door...and if you can't do that...calll the police and they can watch you as you pack and leave. And you will get full custody of the kids, because he clearly has a temper and is an unfit parent.

    All the best my dear. Make dua, pray iistikhara, and don't be afraid of this man and don't let him fool you and manipulate you. 7 years is enough.

  6. Dear Fatemah,

    Your husband is a despicable abuser. You have every right for divorce. Personally, I don't think you should argue with him. You need to start making plans to leave him. Explain to your family and get their help. You can no longer stay here. It is not mentally and emotionally healthy for your children to see you abused in this manner.

    May Allah give you strength and guide your actions towards a better future.

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