Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need Islam to rescue me, but my Mother won’t accept me becoming Muslim or my Pakistani Internet love

internet chat, internet love,

I am nearly 20 years old and a Christian,but a not very devoted one, since I have always had a particulary interest in Islam, but never studied it deeply,until now.

That changed when I met online a Muslim man that impressed me in many ways. I know now that talking to a stranger man is haram, but it feels to me that he is the only stable and meaningful person in my life at the moment. I come from a broken family, my parents divorced when I was 8, so my whole world is shattered and I become more and more digusted with the society around me and its habits as cheating, alcohol drinking and so on.

And I find in islam a society that puts a great deal of value on family, which is exactly what I am looking for in life (I intend to continue studying Islam in the future). The only problem is my mother sees it as most of western people do, as a religion of dread and she doesnt agree to me even think about it. But I am not close to her, affectionally speaking, so she can't offer any moral support or advice about what to do in life. She has always been busy in working and make a life for ourselves, since my father takes no interest in our fate, since the divorce.

The man that I am talking with is 6 years older than me and his intentions are serious, but he is having problem in getting a visa in order to come in the country where I live(he is from Pakistan). I do trust him and find a help in him and in what he would bring alone, like a steady rock that will always be there. I want to convert to Islam, marry him and raise our future kids in islam and my duty as a mother and wife to be priorily in my life and I do understand that it takes giving up some of the 'advantages' that the western women have 'earned' and accept that.

I feel like Islam would give me stability and a steady principle in my life. But my mother wont ever accept it, she is a fighter of the 'free' woman, wants me to study, be independent and doesnt accept me talking to him.

So, I am confused about what what to do. I am a weak person and I know that without his help, I could never change myself and guide myself towards islam, since I am dependent on my mother and probably always be.  Shall I leave my mother and sister for our 'relationship?' If my mother stops our plans of him coming here and then moving to his country Pakistan, I don't know what to do.

Please, share with me your advices. Thank you.

~ Maria70

Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. Maria70, first let me clear up a misconception: You can convert to Islam, get married and have a family, and still continue your studies, work, earn money, etc. Islam does not bar a woman from being independent, professional, or self-sufficient.

    With that said, you need to separate your conversion to Islam from your desire to marry the young man. They are two separate issues. The first and most important issue is your choice to embrace Islam. If you are serious about, if you really believe in Islam, then you must go ahead and declare the shahadah (the testimony of faith) and begin living your life as a Muslim. I realize that your mother will not approve, but Allah must be our first priority. Our first allegiance is to our Lord and Creator. So this will be your jihad (your personal struggle): to be a Muslim in the face of your family opposition.

    Study Islam, see if there are any Muslim sisters active in the local community, attend classes at the Masjid (the mosque) if possible.

    Islam commands us to obey and respect our parents as long as they do not command us with something against Islam. So even though you will be disobeying her by becoming Muslim, try to make up for it by being extra kind and attentive to her in other ways, so that she sees that she is not going to lose you to Islam. You are still her daughter.

    Just work on that. Don't worry at this moment about marrying the Pakistani guy. To tell you the truth I have reservations about this idea of moving to Pakistan to be with this guy. The culture there is very different and you may find that you are not happy there, especially if you have to live in the same house with your in-laws.

    So as I said, accept Islam if it speaks to your heart, and work on being a Muslim, and then ask Allah to guide you and help you in the other matter. He will hear you and He will help you.

    Wael Editor

  2. Salaam sister Maria.

    I agree with brother Wael, so I will not reiterate.
    I also agree that you should look into Islam/accept Islam if it speaks to your heart without the influence of this guy. You need to be sure your conversion is for right reasons and not because of this guy. So cut contact with this guy at least for a while if you can. Use the time to work on your deen.

    I also wanted to add that please be safe online. Things in reality are different to online. People are different. Do not rely on this guy to guide you towards Islam. It is a journey between you and Allah swt.

    "I am a weak person and I know that without his help, I could never change myself and guide myself towards islam"

    Sister you are NOT a weak person and you are capable of changing yourself with Allah's help. Every person has strength inside them. We just have to realise it and use it. I know how you feel as I felt that too, but I convinced myself it wasnt true and Alhumdulilah it has worked for me. It can for you too. Ask Allah swt to help you and guide you and He will. Go to your local masjid and meet sisters if you can. They InshaAllah will provide friendship and support should you need it. And if you have any questions or need support you are most welcome to write on here and we will help you.

    You are not alone but for now seperate this guy from your life. If he is good for you, Allah swt will bring you together and if he is not good for you, He will give you someone better.

    Bro Wael's comment sums it up perfectly

    "So as I said, accept Islam if it speaks to your heart, and work on being a Muslim, and then ask Allah to guide you and help you in the other matter. He will hear you and He will help you."

    Sara Editor

  3. dear Maria70.

    i dont want to put evil thoughts in your mind , but a lot of guys over internet from that part of the world want to marry for the sake of visa or passport . you might have appeared to this guy as a vulnerable girl. please, iam not trying to desuade you from this guy but such things do happen. so be very careful. dont consider him as a solid rock in your life. only Allah is a solid rock in all our lives that we can fully rely on even if we make mistake.

    think very carefully before making any decisions about going for this guy. your mom probably is also thinking that you are showing interest in islam because of this guy not because you genuienly want to.

    you said your mother has been busy working and making a life for all of you , then you say you are not close to her. your mom has raised you without a father, it must be have been difficult for her. dont just brush all of that aside.she is obviously concerned about you. i dont blame her for thinking about islam like many people do, as most of us draw our conclusions about people and places through media. i used to think all the people in the west are alcoholics, womanisers, etc but when i came here i realised not everyone is like that. i aslo used to think that no one is poor, sad or miserable, ofcourse that is not true.

    so learn about islam first yourself , then bring it in action. dont scare your mom by wearing hijab as the first thing ! 🙂

    take care my sister. may you find peace in islam. i always have.

  4. Im 19 too, and im very much dependent on mom as well, and again my family is quite broken to an extend. I understand how difficult it would be to go against ur mom. However, she will not be there for u in the hereafter to rescue u and so u must do what is right for u. Islam tells us to be obediant and good to parents, however we cannot go against Allah, so wheather she likes it or not, but u know that islam is the right religion, and so U MUST turn to islam and become a muslim. Dont be rude to ur mom, explain to her politely, but dont even stop urself from going onto the right path, just because she doesnt like it. She will not save u from the hell fire. Allah is above all relationships. It is Allah that loves us the most, gain his mercy. Allah guided u and opened ur eyes to islam, u should thank God and accept islam. And dont worry too much about ur moms reaction and behaviour towards u, she will be back to normal in a few days time, and even if her behaviour doesnt change, but u know that u are not in the wrong. This life is a test, we will face challenges, but we need to deal with it in the way that pleases Allah, and by doing so ur this life and hereafter will be peaceful, and u will not regret ur decision of becoming a muslim.... I have had many problems, and still do, because of my mom apparantly, but we have to try to stay strong, and remain steadfast in our faith in Allah, and it is Allah that can protect us and save us from further problems. I thank God that I am a muslim, and my faith in Allah is Alhamdulillah strong, otherwise, if it hadnt been so I would have probably been in greater problems. Islam is a beautiful religion, and u deserve this beauty, dont let it go. Islam has a solution to all problems... ... This website will give many useful information, plus, u can have a one to one web chat and ask any questions u have, or if u need encouragement to turn to islam.

    First of all think about wheather or not u want to be a muslim, if yes, then say the kalimah. Solving the issue of what path u want to follow is more important than who u wanna walk ur life with at the moment. So for now I think u should focus more on and decide which path u want to walk on and then after that choose who u want to walk with in life. Once u have decided to become a muslim, and u still wanted to get married to the man ur thinking of then before making the full and final decision perform istikhara. Istikhara is a prayer that many muslims do, it is to guide them to the right decision. Some muslims do this prayer for wheather or not they should marry a particular person that theyre interested in, Allah knows best what is best for us, so its good to seek guidance from Allah. and also try to find out as much as possible about the him ( the one that u r wanting to marry) that is neccessary for u to know about him, then if after doing all this, u feel that he is the right one for u, then go for it, marry him.

    Consider these things when choosing someone for marriage...

    There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in so called "Halal Dating," which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal and chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences.

    1) Do not marry potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don't assume that you can change a person after you're married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it's often for the worse. If you can't accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don't marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

    2) Choose character over chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, "Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning." The idea of falling "in love" should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility and happiness. Here's a breakdown of each trait:

    Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.

    Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they've done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don't have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else's anger?

    Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can rely on this person and trust what they say.

    Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don't have. They very rarely complain.

    3) Do not neglect the emotional needs of your partner: give them their rights, respect and affection etc

    4) Avoid opposing life plans: In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

    You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, "Do I respect this passion?" "Do I respect what they are into?" The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with. Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.

    5) Avoid pre-marital sexual / physical activity:

    Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why Allah (SWT) has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them. Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.

    6) Avoid lack of emotional connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:

    Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person? Do I trust this person?

    Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?

    Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable?

    Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself? Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

    If the answer is "I don't know, I'm not sure, etc." keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don't feel safe now, you won't feel safe when you are married. If you don't trust now, this won't change when you are married!

    7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don't feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don't feel safe, you can't express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can't really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it's very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:

    Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair or Hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.

    Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs and curses at you, etc. You don't have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

    8) Beware of lack of openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, "What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?" "What bothers me about this person or the relationship?" It's very important to identify what's bothering you, things that concern you and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there's conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it's an indication they don't work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don't just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

    9) Beware of avoiding personal responsibility: It's very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that's their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don't like yourself, don't like the direction your life is going now, it's important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don't bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them. ( im having problems being with my mom, sometimes I feel that getting married will get me out of the house, and I can enter a new phase of life and so then I can be happy, but may be I should actually consider taking responsibilty for myself instead, I need to make myself stronger and deal with my weaknesses, because if I dont do that then I may still have problems, after marriage. what if my husband turns out to be like mom or if im in a depressive situation again, that could leave me in bad conditions again if I dont be strong. To be strong we need to take responsibilty for ourselves. Just like me, u too need to become strong sister)

    10) Watch out for lack of emotional health and availability in your potential partner.

    Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don't like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don't. They feel burdened by other people's needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships. Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

    Additional points to consider:

    1. The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we'll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
    2. Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don't stop to ask, "What does all of this mean about their character?"
    3. Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, "What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?" "What are your expectations of marriage?" "How would you help around the house?" Compare your definition with theirs.
    4. Be flexible. Be open-minded!
    5. Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with sacrifice. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
    6. Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn't God conscience and doesn't take themselves into account with Allah (SWT) then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage. ... This link is to just give u tips for how to make ur marriage be successful, incase u do decide to marry him, or someone else.

    So to summarise, if u believe that islam is the right religion then say the kalimah and be a muslim, I strongly suggest that u think about this matter first, and then later think about marriage. He hasnt arrived yet, so u probably have plenty of time anyway to sort ur life out by the time he comes inshaAllah. Remember, death can come at any time. U have realised that islam is the right religion, however the fear of ur moms reaction is holding u back, im not sure if u r classed as a muslim or not at the moment, so just to be on the safe side I strongly advice u to say the kalimah. Remember, death can come unexpectedly at any second. Dont put urself under risk. U have a chance now to do something, when u die u wont get another chance. The life in the hereafter is forever and ever and ever, u dont want to be in hell. Keep this in mind, u have to be strong, and work hard inorder to be successful. Challenges will come and go in life undoubtly, but u need to try to pass those tests in life, so that u may be able to get a reward in it in return, rather than take more misery. BE STRONG sister.

    May Allah guide us all.

    Sent from my Sony Ericsson Xperia arc

  5. I totally agree with friends point saying that u shouldnt trust that guy blindly, I mean u dont really know what he is like and what his intentions are.

    And ur mom tried her best im sure to do as much as she could have for u, be grateful to her for that. Be nice to her but dont sacrifice ur hereafter for anyone. Allah is above everything else.

    And I know its hard to find an ideal, but the points I mentioned is something for u to consider when choosing a life partner.

    However, right now u really need to choose a path for urself, do thorough reseach about islam, get knowledge from knowledgeable ppl, islamic scholers etc and decide if u want to embrace islam or not. Read the holy quran too in english translation, itll be good for u. U may want to look at some of Dr Zakir Naik's conference vidoes. It will give u good explanation of things. Im not sure how much of a good scholer he is as a whole, im not even sure if he is a qualified scholer, he once said something about zakat, and im not quite sure if his knowledge on that was correct or not. However, he has some great knowledge and is an expert when it comes to comparing religions and trying to get the misunderstandings cleared that some people have about islam, he explains it really really well, he also talks about science and islam and also how the quran is full of signs which shows that the quran is the word of God. Im sure u will benefit from those videos. In addition, this web address may be useful to u too...

  6. AA;

    Alhamdolellah alot of great advice and points 🙂

    I just want to wish you god luck and hope things work out for you and let you know that we and many others will be more than happy to help with what we can.

    May ALLAH guide you, grant you patience and shower you with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.


  7. Salaam alaikum sister! I recently accepted islam and am having a very similar problem. I live with my mom and brother in north london. I told my mom of my decision just today but have been telling her of my interest in islam for weeks so it was not a shock to her. My mom doesnt like the idea. I try telling her that i cant accept pork anymore but she says i must eat whatever she cooks. She will not listen to what i say nor will my bro but are the only family i have and i can see this causing conflict between us in the future which i dont want. I fear they will disown me and throw me on to the streets if they find out i have declared shahada and that Allah is 1st in my life now. But i am sure Allah sees what is happening and will guide me and you on the right path. Put your faith in Allah and keep your chin up. He will provide.

  8. hi am kranti m 24 ,living in south india ,india a hindu boy ..from my age 15 ,am getting dream reguarlly am praying allah ..i dont know why but when ever i hear the allah words allah prayer i cant control my self i fell my allah calling me ..please help me

    • Kranti,

      This is a call to the true Religion. The only Religion acceptable with The Only True God. Perhaps since the age of 15, you were being called and you felt inclined to Islam, because it is what comes from Allah, The Only True Lord and is in the natural disposition of Human Beings. Some accept it and some fail to do so. You have got the opportunity. So why not accept Islam and practice it, in order to become like one of us?

      There have been many Hindus I know that have accepted Islam and are better than born Muslims on many aspects. We have had posts from various people on this website, even from kids as young as 15 who accepted Islam because they did not want to delay in getting the benefits from Allah's Mercy. So, why not accept Islam now, instead of delaying it?

      Allah Has Chosen you among million others, to be one of His thankful servants. Accepting the call or not is your choice. But why would anyone not accept the call from The Most Merciful, Who Is Calling to His Forgiveness and His Mercy?

      May Allah Help you choose Islam, like He Chose you for Islam.

      If you think we can help you in any way, please login and create a separate post. We will in sha Allah publish it.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

Leave a Response