I need second marriage advice as my wife has a mental illness
Assalamualaikum!
I am 35 year old Muslim Man from Pakistan. Married since 12 years having three children one girl and two boys.
I had problems with my wife from early days of our marriage. Like she suddenly become hyper and sometimes abusive. We can not discuss anything because of her behaviour. I become father of girl after a year of my marriage so I always try to keep going because of my children and avoid collision.
About three years back I realized that she is not behaving normal and I take her to psychiatrist for check-up. Psychiatrist takes months to diagnosed her as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I also get advise from other psychiatrist and all are agreed the she is suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. So Since three years she is in process of psychotherapy and on some relaxant medicine.
I didn't feel any change in her after such a long treatment. Peoples who know BPD understand that we can not have normal relationship with that patients.
So now I am planing to go for second marriage and I will keep first wife with me as I know she is patient and mother of kids. I am looking forward good advises from you especially peoples who suffered with conditions like me.
Jazakallah
guroo
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OP: About three years back I realized that she is not behaving normal and I take her to psychiatrist for check-up......... Psychiatrist takes MONTHS to diagnosed her as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I also get advise from other psychiatrist and all are agreed the she is suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. So Since three years she is in process of psychotherapy and on some relaxant medicine.*******Peoples who know BPD understand that we can not have normal relationship with that patients.
So for 9 years you did not know your wife had a serious psychological disoder.........and it took psychiatrists few months to diagnose your wife as BPO.
You think your second marriage will cure your first wife's BPO. It may make her condition worse and suicidal.
Assalaamualaikam
While it is the right of a Muslim man to have more than one wife, provided he can provide for and treat each wife justly, I have to say that you're wrong about borderline personality disorder meaning a normal relationship is impossible.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, which perhaps gives a better description of the main difficulties people face when they have this disorder - someone with BPD can feel emotions very intensely and have difficulty tolerating their own distress.
All of us have different personality traits which make up who we are. Sometimes we can be impulsive, sometimes we can be cautious, sometimes we can feel confident... But some people find that their life experiences lead to these traits developing in an imbalanced way, which can result in them having difficulties coping with interpersonal relationships and how they see the world and themselves. This can be described as a personality disorder.
Personality disorders are actually quite common. It's estimated that around 2-5% of people meet diagnostic criteria for the more common personality disorders, so that's between 1 in 50 and 1 in 20 people.
And contrary to what has been thought in the past, personality disorders can be treated and managed, including with psychological therapies and medication. They also tend to get better with time - even without any interventions, around 1 in 10 people with BPD will no longer meet diagnostic criteria 10 years after diagnosis, and with treatment even more people no longer meet diagnostic criteria.
Even if people do still have difficulties with BPD, they can still have successful careers, families and marriages. It is possible to have a happy and supportive relationship with someone with a personality disorder, just as it is with someone with any other medical condition. I know people who have been married for 20 years, people who work in high-powered professions, people who are excellent parents, and who have personality disorders. They may have needed to make some adjustments and they may have difficult times, but no more than people with any chronic health problem.
In your situation, it sounds like your wife is doing the right things to maximise her chances of recovery - she's attending psychotherapy (which is really hard work, actually) and taking medication. It would be worth the two of you going to marriage counselling, and for you to speak with her therapist/psychiatrist (with her consent, inshaAllah), to understand each other better and consider how her disorder may be affecting your relationship, as well as how your own responses to her disorder may be affecting it. As you say, the two of you have children together - you owe it to them and to yourselves to try to improve your marriage.
If you do decide that you want to take a second wife, I suspect that this could be very detrimental to your wife's mental state. So it would be important to show her respect and understanding, and to communicate clearly with her about it from the start - secrets and deceptions only serve to make people more distressed. You could perhaps also consider whether such an arrangement could have benefits for her as well - eg she could have some scheduled quality time with the children or by herself - and if you can identify things which she might appreciate about the situation you could discuss these with her. Again, marriage counselling may be the key to avoiding disaster here.
Remember your duty to ensure you can provide for both of your wives; if you can't do this, then it's not appropriate for you to take a second wife. And of course, pray istikhara before making a decision, and if you do go ahead with taking a second wife, make sure you go about this in a halal way.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalamalaikum, yes it sure could be detrimental. I am a revert who also has BPD. I was married 13 years and had 5 kids with a man who cheated on me for 8 years saying he was finding a second wife. I felt like worthless trash. I tried my best but it was never enough. I got so bad I started to cut myself again . Something I hadn’t done for years. After I couldn’t take anymore I divorced him and since I was a house wife with no job experience he took my children and left them with his parents. I still suffer today. Sad without them. Please think long and hard. Your wife is a human being who deserves someone to love her unconditional
Salaam
After 12 years of marriage you are giving up on your poor wife when she needs you the most and walking towards something that will be detrimental to her condition but will of course satisfy your needs. What about her needs right now? Men abuse the conditions of second marriages - our Prophet swt was such a beautiful example of having second wives and Muslim men now abuse this sunnah to wash their hands of the mother of their children because he wants an easy BPO free life.
Thank you Midnightmoon for your detailed suggestions.
I would also like to hear peoples who suffered with the conditions like me.
JazakAllah
Salaam
My sister is married to a man with Borderline. He is able to keep it mostly in check with medicine, but it's still always there a bit. The ups are mostly only great for the family, with the energy and the activity. The downs and the anger can be manaaged with medicine, and by letting him rest and my sister does most chores when he has a down so he can simply rest after work. I asked my sister once if she would wish the disorder away but she said no, because ehis is part of the husband she loves and she would not want him different in any way. She also reminded me of how Allah swt says we may very well dislike that which is good for us and like that which is bad for us. In stead we should try and thankfuly and dutifully submit to what Allah swt tests us with. My sister said "If I were sick what I would what most of all is for my spouse to care for me and love me and stay loyal and faithful by my side to make our lives together and for our children the best that we with the help of ALlah swt can make, and we know that we should want for our brothers and sisters what we want for ourselves, so this now is what I am doing for my husband. And where there are tests and hardships and we pass the test to Allah's liking, there will be reward"
Are you gracefully and thankfullt submitting to this test brother? Are you maybe disliking something that is good for you? Are you being the best husband to your wife? Are you wishing for your wife what you wish for yourself?
If you were to take a second wife, have you really no fear what so ever that your first wife might be harmed by this? Or that you might treat your wives unjust since one of them is not well?
You should remember that even though some, like Midnight moon here, say that polygamy is allowed, many scholars hold qith what is stated in the Holy Quran, polygamy is allowed only for men who are guardians of orphans and not able to care for them, and also absolutely sure they will never ever be unjust to one of the wives or both.
What will your life be like if your first wife loses it over polygamy and goes further into her sickness? If you find that your selfish want for a new wife pushes your first wife over the edge so she loses what she has now, and her children lose their mother because of your feeling that your "need" is more important than that of your sick wife and your children?
I will make duaa for your wife and her children, and for you passing the test and not hurting your family.
Assalamwalekum brother
I dont want to judge you for you wanting to have a second wife. How easy or difficult it is to live with your ill wife is something only you and Allah know. I dont live with someone with BPD so i dont know what you go through. but i just want to pose a question to you. What guarantee do you have that the next wife you take will not have an illness (something similar or diffirent) now or in the future? Will you be willing to take a third wife then? And what guarantee do you have that you will never fall ill in your life? That you may never get other mental ailments such as dementia, Alzheimer or with stress levels of our life style just some kind of clinical depression... you cant decide any of this no?. So my advice is to take this as a test and take Allahs blessings that He is providing you with a chance to showcase your patience and love for your wife which will only be beneficial for you in the next world. Remember Allah doesnt put burdens on us more than that we can handle. So even though you think you cant handle it, you cant have a normal relationship with your wife. You can. You can bear the stress of it (constant fights and arguments must be stressful. I am sure) if you couldnt., Allah wouldnt hsve brought you to this test.
Secondly i read in some post on this site itself about a husband whose wife was also suffering from BPD and was probably also flirting and not being on her guard with other men and that man was still willing to take care of her even though they too faught all the time and she seemed so absent of any emotions or feelings for him at times. He said that she was his wife and it was his duty to take care of her in times like these. That he had to answer to God one day and he was more concerned about that. And perhss he did love his wife too. Dont you love the mother of your children too brother? She is ill. She probably cant help any if it... think about it.
You can look for that post on the archives.
I agree with one commentator : your abandoning your wife when she needs you the most, we don't know why she has such a condition... maybe you abused her? right now everything is one sided .
when you married her what she ill? marriage is about been there for each other through sickness and health.
sorry but men like you make me sick
Sister i agree with your sentiments, but its unfair to query whether the brother abused his wife, since nothing in his post alludes to such.
You don't know what living with bpd feels like. It's like walking on egg shells everyday. One day your life would be heaven and then same evening would be hell. Bpd people are highly abusive physically and mentally to themselves and all around them especially to there spouses. They're slow killer. Doesn't matter how much u care for them how much u love them, you could forget the entire world for them and they won't even recognize anything and instead you can except a tight slap to the face.
We are all answerable yo Allah for our actions. Don't make such comments that has no grounds.
I agree with brother comment above that his wife accepted that she has body and getting help from psychiatrist. This is bigger achievement than winning the world cup. This means she wants to better. A first step becoming better is admitting your fault and with bpd you can never win an argument they will serious harm themselves or other mentally or physically to prove there dam point. In my case being married to bpd who's tortured my soul so badly it's just my fait keeping me alive. She never wants to admit she has any mental illnesses despite absolute abnormal behaviours like attempting suicide many times or punching my face killing my self esteem. She never admitted one bit of that reality. With brother case it's biggest achievement that she's seeing doctor. Please be patient and have tawakal. What he knows we don't know.
bdp sufferer, I edited your comment to remove the insult. Be more careful in the future.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think this is a very trying situation for you brother,
I also think you must be a strong man in order to bear this trial,
I come from a family who have had multiple mental health problems and even terminal illness, so you experiences really do touch me,
i can't help but feel that getting a second wife due to your wife illnesses is a bit cruel though, since your wife desperately needs you and her Qadr is not in her hands, I couldn't imagine leaving my husband behind when things were tough, i would make the choice to be patient, pray for shifa and hope for reward with Allah, but then this is just my opinion and what choices i would make, having lived through similar circumstances,
Whatever choice your going to make brother then its up to you, but i would consider deeply the impact it may have on your already fragile wife and children, and how you will be able to do justice between two wife's while your wife is so poorly.
All the best brother
Jazakallah Sister
Dear brother,
Asslamalaikum brother, I really really understand you brother and what you are going through. I do cos I am living with one for 20 years and have three kids. Mine is more complicated as she is a convert, and in her previous religion or something in her past practice ,she is also "possessed" . I knew this before marriage and I partially I married her to cure her for this sickness. As you said , she has no respect for a husband when she is mad and she can easily get upset.
When ever I teach her Islamic values she would call me "male chauvinist" . This has given us only limited communication and I windrow talk form her cos it is not easy to talk to her. 8 years back she claimed she has resided the "will of allah " and Joined an Islamic group. Now she iprctices Islamic to the core but she would force the kids and me to follow strictly the Islamic laws. Sometimes she just practices what the leader is teaching without analysising it.this is made even more confrontation with me. After she stated to practice Islam the "devil" in her started to surface often . Two years back one of the mullah suggested to sent her to Mecca to cure this things. But not so , it is not so cure cos , her character inside her is not changed. She always tells me . The evil inside her doesn't allow her to live with me. So who am lam living with and with whom am I sleeping with.
I am going through this for 20 years for the sake of my kids and family. Due to this I am able to go anywhere, scared of this issue.
Why I am saying all this is because as a musliman I tried and still trying to uphold the family and I provide all luxury to her but I am 54 now and lately I am feeling lonely and want a companion . I am mean a person to talk , to talk positive things in life.
Brother Allan granted you this life an d that you shall return to him. Listen to your heart . And be happy and you are responsible for your life and you do it for the sake of Allah . Installation you will find peace.
Thank you Brother for your advise.
Jazakallah
Salam alaykum
My husb. Suffers from borderline (he is posessed like all people with borderline are, its only a name given by the kuffar wAllahu a3lam) and if it would be halal for me i would marry a second husband but thats out of question and since w1e have kids its a difficult story also since i have no family or whatsoever to support me with 2 babies. Khayr insjaa Allah.
Simply becuz the borderliner does not give you what you need and you deserve. It is not bad at all that you want a second wife and i dont understand at all what the problem is from these ppl. Probably too brainwashed by residing in the lands of kufr and adopting their way of thinking. Marriage and second marriages was an easy sunnah in the time of the sahaabah so make it easy and keep it easy. It is your right and you need to think about yourself also. You dont even need a 'good' reason for marrying a second wife. Allah made man this way and Allah allowed you to have a second wife. There is much hassanaat to find when u have a good niyah and u do it the halal way even if it was only to revive a sunnah.
It can be very well that your new wife will bring you energy, and love and mawaadda that Allah describes in the quraan that can make u so happy , and it will give you more energy to cope with your wife!
I asked my husb. Many times to take a second wife becuz maybe she can help me out since im drowning in his behaviour. I cannot go outside (even not with my babies) he controlls everything hes not working etc etc hes all day talking and chaotic.. its killing me slowly litteraly.
But he dont want.. khayr inshaa Allah. New spouse can give new perspectives and can also bring you the joy inshaa Allah that your wife cannot give you now but you do deserve.
Also i would advice you and everyone to look at the real cause; demonic posession. Find a good raaqi and cure it with pure tawheed bi idhnilah. Do everyday roqyah together. You are the man so you can deside for her and you can even push her to make roqyah since you are her wali. And it is something good for her inshaa allah there is no cure but the cure from Allah.
It is backward thinking to say that all mental illness is actually demonic possession. Are we living in the dark ages? There is no evidence in Islam that such a thing as demonic possession even exists. We must stop blaming all our problems on black magic and the jinn and take responsibility for our own lives.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamalaikum, thank you brother for saying that. I am a Muslim woman who has BPD and i studied it extensively and I also found that Islam was the first to recognise and accept mental illness. I would also like to point out that many people with BPD Benefit from DBT therapy that is specially for people with BPD so if it was a jinn I don’t see how that would help. I would also like to point out that the majority of people were abused when they were children. I was physically and sexually abused by my father and mentally abused by my mother who is bipolar. If I hadn’t reverted to Islam when I was 18 I may not be alive right now. I still suffer greatly because I was only diagnosed a year ago because I forced myself to see a physiologist. Alhamdulillah, I hope to get Better