Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need to break off this engagement

Forced Marriage and Islam

Forced Marriage has No Place in Islam.

Assalam o alaikum!
I don't know where to start from.
I am a 19 years old girl and i belong to a normal middle class family. I am the eldest child of my parents. and may be thats why they got me engaged so early.

Okay the thing is that i got engaged in july 2015 with a guy who is quite a nice person, i mean he is religious, he is good looking and he comes from a really strong background. although he is not much educated which i always wished my life partner to be. anyway His family is financially quite stabled and they have a good name in the society. and our family isn't so rich in front of his family if we compare. Thats why when the proposal came, my parents were extremely happy because they weren't expecting this at all neither was I.

apparently the guy seemed like i mean a good marriage material. but he is 8 years older than me.

anyway My mom talked to me and i refused because i had been talking to another guy on facebook since like 3 years and we both really liked each other and wanted to get married, i was just waiting for the right time to tell my parents about this though his whole family knew about me and they were ready to accept me as his wife.
when i told this to my mom, she got all angry at me that how did i even dare to say that and that i can not marry a person by my own choice because in our family, we don't give daughters outside of the family and also he lives far from here(he lived in the other province of our country), i cried and begged her but she didn't listen to me and said that just finish your contact with this guy because you are getting engaged to the guy whose proposal has come recently because your father said no matter what, we would say yes to this. At that time i got emotionally blackmailed by my mom and I agreed for that proposal, because even if I hadn't agreed, they would have gotten me engaged anyway. they didn't care about my choice anyway.

Then with time i tried to forget my ex and tried to move on as i knew there was no other way. and i have kinda forgotten him now.
My fiance and I started talking to each other after one month of engagement, and i tried my best to pursue myself to like him and give him respect. I didn't like his personality much though but still i tried, and i ignored the age difference too thinking about my parents happiness.

after sometime he started saying things which showed that he wanted to get little more closer to me i mean not in that way but talking a little more frankly and then he asked me out to go out at lunch with. which definitely wasn't considered good in our family neither did i like that. i said no to him. after sometime he insisted again and i told my mother and she angrily said no. my fiance got extremely angry that why did i share that with my mother. we got into a big fight at that time.

anyway after sometime I got admission in one of the very famous universities of my country, that was a big achievement for me because it was my dream to get admission there. my fiance didn't like that but he didn't say anything but i realized that he does not want me to study in a co education university but i joined that university because it was my dream.

after sometime he started complaining that i don't give him time and why don't i meet him if i can study in a co education then why can't i just meet him.

well i know at some point he was right but the thing is I was not attracted towards him at all. I tried my best but still i can not imagine living my whole life with him. there was no apparent reason to hate him but i hated him a lot, i couldn't stand i him. i ignored him and his texts and i started to fight with him over little meaningless issues.

One day he asked me that why do i have privacy on my facebook's friend list and why don't i unhide it. this thing really made me angry. because he accused me of talking to other cheap guys, he said you have hidden your friendlist that means you talk to dirty guys and you have made boyfriends and he said many other cheap things. this time i was hurt badly. my mother talked to his father and his father came and apologised to us for what his son did and said that his son did not mean this. my mother thinks that his apology is enough to forget everything and move on but after that day I am still unable to like him. i have no attraction towards him. i just can't imagine him as my husband. i feel that he is a narrow minded guy and he will never trust me even after marriage. because if a guy who is engaged to you for like 3 months put such kind of cheap allegations on you, how would he trust you after marriage?

but my parents say this reason is not enough to break off the engagement. according to my father every guys has a little trust issues when it comes to his wife. is that true? i am not so mature and not so experienced thats why i do not know much about all this.

i have talked to my parents several times and they are not ready to listen a single thing. they are worried about the society and what our relatives would thin and say. they only blame me. my mother blackmails me that either she will die or she will leave this house if i even talk about breaking this engagement off.

some days ago i clearly talked to my father that even Islam does not allow forced marriage and he talked to me so angrily and even said he would beat me if i talked to him again this bluntly.

According to them, I am outspoken that i talked in front of my father like this.

I wonder why do parents educate their kids and make them learn about speaking up for their rights when at the end they call you outspoken and a rebel when you raise your voice for your rights.

I cry all day and night and I don't know what to do. seriously i have been trying a lot to start liking my fiance but i just do not get attracted towards him at all, i think i would never be able to love him and make love to him by heart. He annoys me for no reason, i just get so cranky when i talk to him.

secondly i did not want to get married this early. i wanted to enjoy my life until i complete my studies.

Right now when i see my classmates enjoying their lives without having any responsibilities, it makes me cry. why can't i enjoy my life like this?

I'm done with my first semester and there are 7 semesters left. and my in laws won't wait for more than a year for the wedding and they said that i can complete my studies after marriage.

Before i was worried about my studies but now i don't even care about my studies, i just want to get rid off this relationship.

but I know my parents are also right that what our society would think of us, everyone might think that the girl's character isn't good thats why she broke the engagement.

Now I am in a great mental torture, i cry all the time, i worry about my parents but then i think about my own self too. Also my parents are not agreeing at all to break this engagement.

Sometimes i think i should talk to my fiance directly but that would also end up bringing humiliation for my parents.

Also i think i am too young and not mature enough, i fear i might take a wrong decision.

I don't know what to do. I am helpless. Please guide me what should i do according to the principles of Quran and sunnah.

I even think about suicide at times but its haram, and i just don't want to burn in hell. ;(

AJ123

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8 Responses »

  1. SALAM sister I didn't really bother to read your story not because I'm arrogant because I saw your title.ENGAGEMENT.

    • I deleted the rest of your reply because it's foolish to give advice without actually reading the post. You can't make a comment based on one word in the title.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Wa'alaikum us Salam.
      Its ok brother, no one is forcing you to read this whole long post

  2. Forced marriage is haram but having a 3 year relationship isn't?

    You were waiting for the right time to tell your parents about your "boyfriend" so you waited until another engagement came?

    It seems like what happened is that your "boyfriend", in the three years you "talked about marriage", didn't bother to come make a proposal for you. And even after letting him know that someone else made a proposal, he still didn't come make a move (talk to your parents). And if my daughter had a secret three year relationship and I didn't know then I would also be really angry and not agree to the marriage.

    From the tone of the rest of your message, it kind of sounds like you're just mad because you didn't get your way. You're annoyed at everything about this guy and complain about him but you even said there wasn't any reason to. The only thing that I find weird is that he invited you out and was upset you told your parents. However, what you did was the right thing. He even said that he doesn't mind you studying, so even if he is grumpy about it then he needs to deal with that on his own. About Facebook and him being jealous. That's natural and even though he doesn't know (?) You did have a 3 year "relationship" with a guy you met on Facebook....

    Only Allah knows your situation clearly. I think you feel like you're being emotionally blackmailed because you emotionally invested in some other guy (illicitly) and your parents didn't agree. But I say maybe you should give this time to play out, if it's meant to be then it'll happen. If your current fiance invites you to do haram or meet secretly (which is haram) please don't be afraid to tell your parents again, okay?

  3. Yes I kind of agree with you that may be I'm a little bit emotional and annoyed.
    And i know that 3 year relationship was haraam but we both were really serious about getting married and we never crossed the limits.
    and by waiting for the right time, I meant that I was waiting for him to complete his education. I did not expect that my mother would get me engaged this early, this was all so sudden.
    And he did make efforts to convince my parents, his mother called my mother multiple times to convince her and to ask her that if she could visit our home to ask for my hand officially.
    But my mother clearly rejected. She said she won't give her daughter out of our caste.
    but as i have mentioned already, I have moved on. That thing is no more an issue which could become a hurdle for me in starting my life with my fiance.
    10 months have passed since i am talking to my fiance. But i have no attraction towards him at all.
    He is always fighting with me over little things like why you came late from university, why do you go and hang out with your friends and puts so many restrictions on me which even my parents never did.
    I know women have to compromise a lot when they get married but what about the trust issues and shuk? He does not trust me at all. I think he thinks that as I'm studying in a co educational institute, I might be having affairs with boys. :/
    He's always spying on me through my sister that what am i doing, with whom i am sitting, who am i talking to on call. These little things annoy me so much idk why.
    He recently admitted that too, that yes I have trust issues with you. but whenever i ask about the reasons, he has no valid points.
    He should trust me, as now he is the only guy in my life and i have accepted this fact and forgotten my past. I'm trying my best to give this some more time so may be i start liking him.
    May be I am not mature enough to get married this soon? I'm just so confused.
    I just want myself to start liking him so that we can have a good life. But every time i talk to him, i get cranky and angry, this is so strange and confusing. I mean if you are engaged to someone, you are supposed to like that person as that is the only person you are going to spend your whole life with. then why don't I get those feelings of happiness? Is something wrong with me or is this natural?
    I think its just that I can't compromise on this trust thing, see if your fiance does not trust you without any authentic reason, what would he do after marriage? I am so tensed.
    but I just don't want my parents to be unhappy with me.
    What should i do now? Should i keep the things going on as they are?
    Are the things I am being worried about are too little and childish? like being annoyed etc?

  4. Aslaamua likum sister, i dont think ur being childish selfish or worring for no reason. Wht ur saying about him are very important points to remember before marring him. Becaz If he cantinus like this and dosnt change then its obvious u will have a hard life with him after marriege as well. It might even end up in divorce. Feeling not attractive towards him is another big issue u need to think about sister. Im telling u this from my own experince if ur not feeling attractive towrads him now then u wont feel attractive towards him even after marriege.. These feelings will not change no matter how hard u try. On the top of this the way he's behiving with u will even make u hate him more and more!!!

    So my advice is to talk to him about how ur feeling when he dosnt trusts u and spy on u. Tell him how its makeing u have thses bad feelings towards him. Tell him to change the way hes feeling about u. (having trust issue) dont fight with him over little things. Talk to ur perents how ur feeling once again. At least try ur best to change this
    situation. But after all if nothing worked then i would seggest dont marry him if ur not happy about this marriege. U have to be 100% happy and sure tht u wanna marry him.
    If u just marry for ur perents happiness then u will have difficult life after marriege. Remember its ur life and u have to live it. So dont make the biggest dicesion of ur life for the sake of others. Marriege is half of ur deen and if dont get married by ur heart u might end up not compliting ur deen praperly.
    Dont worry about socity or wht will they say if u dont want to marry him and break off this engement. Socity like talking hehind others without knowing right from wrong so dont secrifise ur life happiness for wht will socity say. Just imagine u got married to him n ur not happy in that marriege do u think then socity will come and help u?? Will socity come and stand by ur side.??? No. Then why think too much about socity when ur the one who has to go all ur hardship and ease.
    All i wanna say sister if ur not happy and not ready to marry him then dont do it just for ur perents and socity caz u will only end up having life full of sorrows and pain. Dont make ur life difficult for the sake of others. Marry only if u truly want to marry him and ur 100% happy and sure about him..

    Also sister dont forget to pray salatul istikhara. Ask allah if its good for u make it if not not then break the engment off.

    May allah help u and make it easy for u ameen.

    • Broken-hearted sis,

      Nice advice. Even my own family is giving me hard time (and in return I am also giving them hard time!) because I said "no" to a marriage proposal that they all seemed keen with. I think they just want another party or they just want me to get married because of my age (30+) and very few guys from country likes hijab [I wear hijab]; but I just can't say YES to someone that I didn't feel attracted to all in the first meeting plus he likes hijab but he didn't pray when it was prayer time (another big reason I didn't find him attractive), on top he is five to six years younger than me ....

      All in all, I am going through this very annoying time at the moment. Anyways, this day will go by too, in shaa Allah.

      Take care,

      - Me

  5. Hey I am I the same situation except of the boyfriend part. Did you got married?

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