Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I ruined my own life


Asalam O Alaikum.

I was looking for some online blogs about my problems, I needed answers and solutions, and luckily I ended up finding this website. I have read many threads here, many questions and answers. I was quite surprised honestly, because I haven’t seen many Muslim sites with such non judgmental responses. This encouraged me to open up here.

My story is something full of depression. I have been depressed for last two years due to several reasons. Mainly because my dear mother died of cancer and somehow I blamed myself for her death which made me want to hate everyone I love and I ended up pushing all my loved ones away. Especially, the guy I loved for 6 years. We lived in different cities and were supposed to be married as soon as our studies were completed but then my mother died and everything changed. I thought if I push people away they will stop dying. I know it’s not my fault or anyone’s fault that people die. This is bound to happen to everyone and death is inevitable but it was a hard time for me. I actually stopped talking or sharing anything with my family and blamed my boyfriend for cheating on me. There was no other way for me to push him away, I told him I did not need him but he would not listen. He thought once we were married everything will be alright for me but I was scared of losing him completely. I told him you live in different city you have female friends there is no way you’re sincere with me. This killed him, not in a literal sense, but he stepped away angry and hating me for doubting his character and finally I was free of love.

I thought it was all going to be fine now but my depression only grew stronger, my urge to kill myself was so much that all I could do was think of ways to die, even my faith was going astray. I started doubting the existence of Allah and I would just think, so what if I die? I will be lost into oblivion and no one will miss me anyway. But it was something I couldn't really act upon, I knew if I kill myself now I will not have any other way to repent for my actions. I thought of a plan to help people like me to give my depressed life a reason. People who are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. I made a group on facebook and invited mostly strangers to join it so it would be easier for them to share their problems anonymously.

It was going fine until a guy of 18 messaged me separately asking if he could share his problems in private. I could not see why not? I told him if that’s how he feels comfortable then he should do it his way. According to him, he didn't want to drive any sort of attention to himself; he just wanted to express his feelings to me. He turned out to be a depressed, suicidal kid who frequently self-harmed. I wanted to help him badly because I believed he had the right to happiness and so I started talking to him more often. One day he told me he was developing a romantic crush on me because I was so good and kind and never judged him for talking about his darker past. I was not flattered at all because we had almost 6 years of age difference and I treated him like I would treat my little brother but he had other ideas cooking up in his little head which honestly took me by surprise. He kept pursuing me and I kept telling him I can’t be his girlfriend. He then started threatening his life. He said its okay if I don't want to be his gf but if I don’t do sexual role play with him he’ll cut himself again (he had stopped ever since we started talking). I was really worried about him and thought he had just a teenage crush if I do the role play he will stop. That’s where I went wrong, first it was the role-play then he wanted my sexually explicit pictures. I was so mad at that, I told him it was never going to happen because I never even did that with the love of my life but this time he told me if I don’t send him pictures he will kill himself and it would be my fault and he’ll write my name on his suicide note. I was pretty sure it was blackmail but then he went to the hospital for cutting and losing so much blood and I was so upset I sent him a few of my pictures. That’s the thing about sins, you commit them and suddenly guilt washes over you. Same thing happened to me, I was mad at myself. I wanted to kill myself for being so shallow but my conscience told me I was doing it to save somebody else’s life and I can’t hate myself for being selfless. Anyway, months went by and my guilt kept growing by that time this kid was supposedly in love with me. Although, his main interest was only having sex chats with but he had a twisted mind. He thought loving someone was more intense and real if it was sexual. I didn't believe for a second that he was saying the truth and I was pretty much disgusted with myself for even being involved in his crazy life. I told him I have helped him enough and I want to quit it. Which obviously, made him angry. He was really very obsessed with me and the thought of losing me was driving him insane. He started to blackmail me again, said if I leave him all my pictures will be published over the internet. That made me scared but I was beyond guilty, I couldn't bear to stay any longer than I already had. I left and I told him if he ever loved me he would never do any such thing I also told him I was going to ask for forgiveness from my Lord and creator and return to practice my religion because I felt really vulnerable, he insulted me and called me names and whatnot for being a pathetic human being and leaving someone who 'loves' me. It didn't work, I left him anyway.

I then repented for my sins and asked Allah for His forgiveness. I started offering proper prayers and I even prayed for him.

But after a few weeks my ex contacted me again and sent me one of the pictures he found on the internet it wasn't showing much of my face but he recognized it and he wanted answers as to how a picture like that ended up on a porn site. I was devastated of course, I was not expecting this, not my ex to find out what I had done. I told him everything that happened and he was quite furious with me, first he called me shallow and pathetic then he wanted to know who that guy was, I had no phone number or address to contact him, he even deleted his profile so it was a fruitless effort to find his whereabouts. I just had 4 or 5 of his pictures but we found nothing on Google images and it was like he turned into a ghost and just vanished into thin air.

After that, my ex helped me calm down he told me it was okay, I made a mistake and I asked for forgiveness so it's going to be fine. He was still mad at me for being so careless he didn't understand why I had to help anyone like that. He said if I had stayed with him nothing of the sort would have happened and even now he couldn't forget me.

We started talking again, like friends.It was kind of weird because I was not planning to go back to him but I wanted to and he helped me remove those pictures from the web and we grew close again,then I came to know he was dating another girl who he found right after I left. To his defense, he said he wanted to forget me but someone told me he was going to marry her but the parents from girl's side weren't willing so he was also depressed. In short, he swiftly lied to me about his life while he knew all about mine and kept blaming me for leaving him. I blame myself too, he's a guy of course he wanted someone to marry he could marry anyone for all I care but his lies hit me hard and he got bitter as he realized I already know about his truth, said it was his mistake to try to talk to me again and what happened with me (the picture incident) was Karma paying me back for crushing his heart.

I don't blame him or the other guy, I blame myself, I don't get to blame anyone for being thick in the head myself. It was all my doing and I was ready to live with it. I was pretty sure I had no male problem in my life when I received another message from that kid. My picture with the caption that if I block him, he'll post them again, this time with my face visible and on every site he could find. Again, I was horrified. I asked him what did he want from me now? He said he wanted me to suffer and I deserved what he did to me because I'm a heartless person (he obviously wasn't this civil but you get the idea), I don't know what his definition of suffer is but I had my share of it already. I told him to stop it and leave me be, he said he'll stop blackmailing if I cut myself. "Carve a heart and put a cross over it with a blade or knife, I want it fully cut. I want to see you get hurt"  was what he told me to do, I was really worried I wanted to do it but then I consulted two of my online friends, they said if I do what he says then he'll keep blackmailing me and who knows if he will stop or not. So I told him it wasn't going to happen, he then said if not the cutting then start the sex chat again. Now, this is where my worries start, I have not replied to him after this, I told him I can't do it again because I have already repented and no matter what I can never go down that road again. My silence may have given a clue to him, I got his mail that he was going to slowly spread all the pictures (he might even Photoshop my random pictures into sexual ones) and then he'll upload them everywhere.

I can't contact police or anything because I don't want my father or siblings to find out what happened, they'll be hurt and I have already hurt them enough. I am scared as hell, I know the chances of my family finding the pictures are bleak but I can't risk it. I needed to let it all out but I'm not sure if there is a solution to my problem here or anywhere I'm pretty sure by now my pictures are out on the internet somewhere but there's no way for me to find out where I keep looking my name on google but since I have a common name I can't find anything explicit there or even anything about me which is relief but thinking he has those pictures and can do whatever he likes makes me think I'm still that sinner, does this mean Allah hasn't forgiven me? Am I just a stupid unfortunate girl who deserves this sort of punishment?! What can I do to change this miserable situation?


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8 Responses »

  1. As Salaam Alaikum my dear sister in Islam, may Allah Subhan a wa ta aala grant us all forgiveness, grant you peace, ease and respite from that blackmail.

    1. Do not consent to the wishes of the blackmailer, he will keep on asking for more stuff. If it is on facebook, you can report that issue to facebook team and the FB security team will take down that profile for you.

    2. We are not sure which country you reside in, if you happen to be in the USA, then the police will keep your information confidential and also stop this blackmailer, In Shaa Allah. If you do not happen to be in USA, and your current country has a corrupt judicial system, then I would suggest not approaching the police, especially if you know that this guy has some background. Also, if you happen to be from India, India has a good cyber crime unit and you can look it up online. They generally will not divulge any details to your parents but you cannot trust them completely.., However, its better to keep some legal authority involved in such cases of blackmail.

    3. I would highly recommend you to delete your FB profile, and close all the means of communication to this guy so he can't contact you again.

    Now coming to points that I think are more important but need to be addressed only by you, and no police or person can help you in addressing, are your eemaan and taqwa. It is understandable that a person would be depressed by the passing away of their Mother, but remember Allah says " Kullu nafsin zaaiqatul Maut", every soul shall taste death, that includes everyone. Secondly, you were in a relationship with a guy for 6 years, even before your mom passed away, it was completely haram. You can either be a wife, or a stranger but nothing else for a non mahram. Thirdly, in your attempt to help others you started speaking to the 18 year old in privacy, again its not allowed in Islam, you can only speak to your Mahram in privacy i.e. Father, Grand Father, Uncle, Brother, Husband, Son, Grandson.

    In my humble opinion your issues stem from your lack of knowledge on Islam, which the satan uses to deceive you. Solution is, if you have a good sisters group in your community or Masjid, who help each other only for the sake of Allah, join that group. If your local masjid has a section for women, try to meet other women over there who might give you company. If you have own sisters who love you unconditionally, spend time with them. If you have girls/women among your cousins or friends who practice Islam, spend time with them. Do not speak to any guy in isolation or even avoid guys in mixed gatherings, atleast until you understand what kind of communication is allowed with the non mahrams according to islam. completely stop speaking to your former boyfriend. Try to learn about Islam through understanding the Quran, a mere translation according to my humble opinion can be misleading, so instead read Tafseer, you can use the Tafseer of Ibn Katheer. Fortunately there are a lot of youtube videos available that can also get you started, you can listen to Omar Suleiman, Nouman Ali Khan, Mufi Ismail Menk, Dr. Muhammad Salah, Imam Karim Abu Zaid among many others.

    Sister, the last statements, but I believe the first thing you need to do, keep offering salat, after completing the obligatory salawaat, get up in the night, ask Allah, plead to him and cry, ask him to conceal your sins, ask Allah that the guy doesnt blackmail you any more. Have faith in Allah, Allah says, that he provides from ways that you never even thought existed. Who knows, the guy might lose the pictures with some virus in his PC, if Allah has not decreed Islam and repentance for him, he might die before posting those pictures of yours, anything can happen. So ask Allah, keep asking Allah until you are taken out of this calamity, then keep thanking Allah.

    May Allah make it easy for you, may he conceal your sins, If Allah has any love for the blackmailer, may he guide him to Islam else deal with him in a manner that he knows is the best. May Allah protect you from Huzn and Gham (Depression and Sadness), may allah grant you refuge from the evil intentions of the blackmailer.

    As Salam Alaikum

    • We never ruined our own life.
      You just make mistake. Let's this mistake be part of your life and guiding you through the rest of your life.
      You must take this blackmailed things seriously. Of course that would be consequences when you report it, but you can't live your life in affraid everyday.
      When everything comes surface, there will be person who will judges you. But don't forget, everyone born with reason. The common reason are living our life. We always forgot that no one can rules and control our life if we don't let them be. And no words can bring us down if we don't let them be.
      Even if we live our life like the goody two shoes, there's always people who don't like us and judges us. So, prepared yourself. And remember, you rules your own life. No society, family member, person can bring you down. They can talk shit, but don't give a damn about it.
      And, from my opinion, your ex are unworthy. He didn't loved you enough like you thought he did. I know this is not the fact that you want to hear. I been in your situation before too. We thought they really loves us to the moon and back. But, we just another girl on their plan. Not the priority girl on their plan.
      First, when his loves for you really strong enough, he would never give up about you. Maybe he can give you time to grieving, but certainly he would never find another girl to replace you.
      Two, after he already replacing you on his plan (getting married), but that subtitution plan didn't work well altough they didn't called off. Yet, he lead you and didn't honest with you. And to me, it seems like he lead you on, gaining your feeling again, and then he can choose which girl suited him most. He don't deserved you. He don't deserved anyone, okay. How can he leading people on like they are piece of menu on dining, which he can choose?
      Move on girl.
      Work on that blackmailed things, and don't give a damn for your ex.
      You deserve world.
      Love you.

  2. Salam sister,

    Brother Abdullah has given you excellent advice. I would like to advice you to cut both these men out of your life. Both the guy you have spoken to for 6 years and this chat guy. It would be beneficial for you to redirect your energy and time to yourself and well being. I have a feeling that guy number 1 and 2 may be the same guy unfortunately , Allahu Alam. Why would guy 1 find your pictures on an explicit site so randomly, make you confess, have you apologise to him just after boy 2 vanished? Why would he even look on those sites?

    I wouldn't say anything. I would just cut contact fully. Cutting toxic people out of your life is the first step- there should be no chance of going back to them however hard it is. Some people are so devious and will stop at nothing . Cutting them off is the only way to stop it. You have done very well to repent and return to Allah swt mashAllah. I think you're a strong sister with a good heart and your faith and hope in Allah swt will take you through this difficult time

  3. OP: Mainly because my dear mother died of cancer and somehow I blamed myself for her death which made me want to hate everyone I love and I ended up pushing all my loved ones away.

    Dear you mother died of cancer and I am sure you and your family did the best to take of her. Your mind and imagination told you to blame yourself for her death. Your mind just playing games with you. I am sure in the past your mind has told you many things that did not prove to be "right".

    In real life most young people try to have relationships, some fail to connect others are successful.
    You need to forget about your relationships and ask your family to find you a well educated guy with a good job.

    Eighteen year old give may be a much older man who tried to use you.

    Your mind and body is not under your control. You need to figure a way to control them.
    The same mind led you to do these things and not is now making you feel guilty and you still trust the mind hundred percent.

    You need to cut contacts with your buddies and let your dad find you a new guy. Don't even hug or kiss him? Keep interaction to minimum before you get married.

    Depression means you are obsessed with things that make you feel bad. You have stopped things that made you happy.

  4. I just want to say you better stop using internet. Also if he spreads your pictures editing them , you just don't be worried about it. It happens , it was possible when share your picture with somebody on internet they can misuse it like this everybody is aware of it.

    If he spreads the pictures you don't be tensed and never let him show that you are scared. It just pictures , not the real you. You could have been used in a more worst manner.

  5. Sister,
    My opinion is those are not 2 guys your ex might have contacted you with false name and age, secondly you had made big mistake by listening to that guy for your bad pics, imagine if any body is at his last stage of death if you donate blood to save him you have done a good job, or if you had emotionally changed mind of a wrong person to good you have done a good job, for the person you have not met him, not seen him how come you tried to help him just by sharing your bad pics, its completely foolishness. May allah help you to over come by your depression, and finally, don`t ever think to help anybody again be help full to your family and to your husband and to yourself.

  6. Sister,

    You have to be strong in this situation, giving up or showing weakness will not help you. Everyone knows that a picture can be edited; two or more random pictures can be edited to form one. How can anyone tell whether the girl in the picture is really you or someone else has edited your picture.
    Also, how could your boyfriend find the pictures on the porn website?
    Leave all of this non-sense. Make you life simple by cutting out the complexities. Seek Allah's forgiveness, he might be testing your faith. Have faith in HIM, miracles happen when we believe.

  7. this little guy is crazy. You should not have started chat sessions with him in private. remember if a guy wants to have a chat with you in private that veryyyyyy moment girls should understand that his motive is not good. The only thing he want is your body ......

    understand everyone -- OK

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