Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I still love my ex-husband…

Dark flower, needs life,

I met my ex husband when I was 16 and he was 17 and we're each others first love. We clicked right away and we got married by the time I was 18. My parents didnt want me to move out until I started universitie, so I waited. There was a lot of miscommunication between our parents and there were a lot of things that were promised for my wedding by my ex's parents that the did not do or wanted to do, regardless I continued with my relationship. Soon we moved into our own little place and things could not get any better. I got pregnant and during my pregnancy I became very depressed but my ex was always the one that get me feeling better and happy. We told each other literally everything , we were each others best friends, confidants we were partners in crime.

Things got rocky after my second child was born, I had severe post-natal depression and my youngest was in and out of the hospital. I spent most of my days crying. Things were not always perfect between me and him. He was very controlling his ego was humongous, everything that he wanted had to go his was. After giving birh to both of my kids he wanted after a mere days of being home to have intercourse, now I wasn't feeling this, so ever night  he would literally pull me and get on top of me and do what he wants. Some days he would slap me pull me so hard that would have bruises. There were days we're if he didn't get it twice a day he would be in a foul mood all day. If me and him got into an argument that he is to blame for, he would call me all the names under the sun for example excuse my language ,  a w****,  a b**** I was called on the regular, [other horrible names, curses and obscenities] , a terrible mother, a horrible daughter He choke me pull my hair slap me push and storm out of the house. I would then call him and apologise to him so that he wouldn't get into any fights outside and beg him to come home, but when he did come home usually ten till twenty minutes after he would be on his knee's begging for forgiveness and I would forgive him.

He got a new job that I told him I wasn't to sure about, but he was really passionate about it so I told him to to what ever makes him happy. About a month into he started to come home late saying he was working overtime so I ignored it until, a business trip that he said he had to go too.The day when he supposed to come back from the trip I called him a a girl picked up asking who I was and said that he was in the toilet but he call me back ASAP. He came home 20 min after and I asked him who was that girl he then went to say it was his colleague  that was working at the same place as him and picked up.

A week later he was acting weird and I asked what was going on with him after he refused to kiss me. He sat down with me and told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he wants us to separate so we did until about a three weeks later when he blind sided me with my first hand written talaq with out telling his our my father. So that was that I was within less then two months i was divorced, I was so heart broken I just didn't understand what I did wrong. Nevertheless I had too take care of my two sons, do I stayed strong for them.

I started a new job and whilst working there one of my colleague knew him from somewhere when he past my house to pick up my kids but she didn't really know where from. I ignored it until she mentioned it again a week later and then said that she knows a girl that has a boyfriend that looks like him and has two sons too, I was like ok. She then said I think it's him she was so sure it was him, so I asked him and he said that it was too soon to move on.  A week went passed until I heard a voice recording off the girl that claimed to be dating him knowing everything about our relationship things my parents didn't know. I confronted him again and he denied it I just left it then between that time he tried to get back with me, he tried kissing me, he came and seen me everyday saying that he missed me and wants me back and that he would prove my family wrong and that he has made a big mistake. I was thinking then that my kids need a father so I would think about it. A month goes by  and after spending some time with their dad my sons come home saying that they were with daddy new girl friend and they said her name which was the name of the girl that he apperntly wasn't  seeing, and that they were kissing at daddy new house when I asked him why he lied to me, and when i asked him why he was doing inappropriate stuff I front of my sons  and why he would introduce someone that soon to his kids, he denied it but instead said that he was going to go for full custody. That was the last I heard of him and the last time I have seen him, that was a year ago. Sins then I found out that he was having a affair with her while me and him where still married for three months and married her within a year.

I am so shocked at how everything has turned out, being a single mom too two young boys, I never thought that he would do something like this to me, I never seen him as a men that could be so heartless. But I still love him I think, things went so fast I did not have time to process it. It has been two years now sins the divorce and I haven't been able to move on. I compare every man to him, will I love someone as much as I love him. Im afraid that if I do start a new relationship that I would either compare him with my ex or I wouldn't trust him. Mean while my ex and his new wife have been talking bad about me too everybody that will listen. And I never ever say anything about him to anybody. Am I a fool?

Hani-123

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5 Responses »

  1. Dearest Hani..
    I'm going through the exact same situation as you are..I didn't get physically abused Allhamdolillah but had to leave my husband because he wouldn't register our nikkah in state and was also cheating on me with another woman he has been having affairs with since the past 8 or 9 years whi became the cause of his first divorce. I still can't get why he married me. .he wants me to live with him as his girlfriend for the next 4 years and then he'll see how things work out..I got so scared that I left him..I love him too although he didn't and his family didn't come to my father's funeral and never even asked how I was doing the entire time..I feel angry at myself that I still love him and I'm willing to forgive him if he repents..I'll pray for you dear sister..I can feel your pain..I'll definitely pray for you..here's a HUG!..

    • Dont go back. Work on yourself, on your self esteem. Let his first marriage be a lesson for you. Dont waste more of your life on this man, find someone who uplifts you, wait for that man. In sha Allah he will come, one of my own personal friends left a man after a very long time (married over 10 years) and has found someone much better mashaAllah alhamdullilah. There is light at the end of the tunnel, be patient

  2. Asalaamu alaikum, wait so he choked you called you names and you think youre still in love with him? He sounded like a real catch... NOT. Allah gave you a chance to find someone whos not abusive, you should be happy. Being a single mum is NOT the end of the world and you wont be single forever. Id suggest some counselling so you can gain peace and work through the issues because youre stagnating and thats dangerous. Do something new even a small new thing like trying to go somewhere you wouldnt normally go, just to gain some positive emotions about yourself. You need to change your mindset and learn lessons because its clear you havent learnt them yet. Im not being cruel, ive been through a divorce myself and while im still recuperating in terms of getting work etc. Im over the ex for sure, the man you were married to, sucked, and you need to hear that so you can realise. You deserve better. There are more (and better men) out there. As women we need to be smart, work through this, you can do it.

  3. Just forget that abusive guy and move on. He won't change and he never ever loved you. Sorry for being this straight forward. If you can't respect yourself nobody will. start loving yourself and your life respect yourself sister. Allah will give you a better other half insha Allah.

  4. Because this is your first relationship and it was abusive you don't have anything else to compare to. The good news is that a good number of guys do not abuse their wives. So your chances of finding someone better that you will love more and will love you back are probably pretty good.

    Sorry to hear what happened to you, inshallah things will work out for you. It's good that at least you divorced instead of being beaten into a pulp.

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