Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I still miss my ex husband dearly

Disappearing love, vanishing love

As-salaam Aleykum.

Here is my story.

I have once been married to a man of my choice at a young age. We were together for five years and we ended up in divorce for many circumstances the biggest being trust issue. I had a hard time trusting him and believing what he says although I loved him deeply. I never had a relationship with anyone except him.
I am a good girl with my family and in my community and they have too much expectations from me especially my family and my siblings. I take care of my siblings and my parents, I am the responsible person for all of them and I am 24 going 25 years of age.

After I was divorced, I was depressed. Although I consider myself to be religious person, I had hard time believing that I could be depressed. I thought my connection with Allah was weak so I regained my imaan and made Du'aa to Allah often that He helps me get over my ex-husband and replaces with something that's better. I would go to the masjid to give charity and to request Du'aa for myself.

When I was getting divorced, there was one thing that I feared the most, committing sins because I am used to a life with a man,,,, not fear of major sins such as zina but sins that come along with talking to the opposite gender and meeting them in private which eventually leads to physical touch and so on which happened between me and my ex-husband and I never forgave myself for that. The sins that I used to commit with my ex-husband always filled my heart with regrets. Even way after we got married and became halal for each other, I still regret those nights that I would stay out late with him. I tried so much not to commit those sins and made the decisions that I will never do it again and I repent, but when I meet him, there I was doing the same thing again and I knew I will regret ones I go home and I did and again I repented. It was continuous like this until we got married. Also when any fight takes place between us, I tell myself this is the result of the sins that i used to commit before. But I never commit zina.
I and my ex-husband loved each other deeply, we were just perfect together, and we match each other in every way and completed each other. I loved him sincerely that I thought no one could love somebody like this. We still proceeded with divorce, we both knew we had strong feelings for each other. But Allah didn’t plan that we stay together forever so divorced for many reasons and issues that we couldn’t fix about our personalities.
The thing is I cannot forget this guy, I love him dearly that my heart aches for him.

A year and half after my divorce, I married another man. This time, I told myself that if I start any relationship, I will not commit any minor or major sins that come along with talking to the opposite gender and Alhamdulilah I kept this promise to myself and to Allah and I fulfilled it, at least to my best.

This man I married is a nice guy, very kind and caring. He is a good friend of my dad and my family likes him. I thought I liked him too when the proposal came but I knew I didn't love him. I thought love doesn't matter now, it will come after marriage I told myself. We knew each other for a long time but we never dated but we talked over the phone for most part. We knew each other in general but I didn't know him deeply to the level of marriage.

I wanted to get married to stay clean from the temptations of committing haram as we are surrounded with haram every single day in this day and age. So my husband is a young good looking guy but I knew we didn't click chemistry wise, I would brush off all the thoughts and doubts that would come to mind and tell myself, marriage will make everything better and you will get to know him more then.

I realized I was wrong, we got married and now three months has passed and I am crying to death inside. I am still longing for my ex-husband. I missed him dearly and just the thoughts of him brings tears to my eyes. I try to make myself forget about him by laughing at joking with my husband but nothing helps. Did I married the wrong guy? I don't want to go back to my ex but how do I make myself love my husband? There are so many things I don't like about my husband that I realized after married. So many things that I can’t even list. The only thing I like about him is his calm personality. He lacks education, he doesn't have a nice job, and he lack the religious education as well so we are not compatible in this way. Also, I don't like his hygiene at all that sometimes I get headache from the smells. Yet, he is very nice and caring and calm. We are newlyweds and sometimes I don't cook or even clean because I am not in the mood. Everything about my husband reminds me of my ex and it makes me miss him even more.
I want to know what I should do to love my husband. I don't want to be divorced but how should I stop longing for my ex?
My husband doesn't know anything about my ex besides that I was married and divorced and I am not willing to tell him about my feelings for my ex because I am sure it will ruin everything.
So what should I do to love my husband and how can I forget my ex? I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life thinking of my ex. Please list any advice you can give.

Young Hafsa.


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22 Responses »

  1. Sister you made dua to Allah to give you someone better than your ex husband, so have full faith Allah answered your dua and accept your new husband into your life. Remind yourself the reasons as to why you divorced, there must have been real issues for you to have gone down that route. It's difficult divorcing and getting married again, so it's only natural what you're feeling. Remember the goal of shaitaan is to try his best to break up a husband and wife, so perhaps he is exploiting this issue you have, and encouraging you to focus on the negatives of your marriage. Sister focus on the positives- you have been blessed with a second chance at love and happiness, and it's up to you to grab hold of that. So give it your best, focus on the here and now, and in time you will forget your ex husband.

  2. OP: We were together for five years and we ended up in divorce for many circumstances the biggest being trust issue. I had a hard time trusting him and believing what he says although I loved him deeply.............I wanted to get married to stay clean from the temptations of committing haram ........... . . The only thing I like about him is his calm personality. He lacks education, he doesn't have a nice job, and he lack the religious education as well so we are not compatible in this way. Also, I don't like his hygiene at all that sometimes I get headache from the smells.....

    Well I guess you knew that your husband lacks education, doesn't have a good job, lacks religious education before you married him. You can help him change hygiene habits. Buy him some deodorant.

    You had chemistry with your first husband, but you had serious issues with him that led to the divorce. Now you are not thinking about issues that led to divorce but good times you had with him.

    Main reason you wanted to get married was to stay clean from temptations of doing haram.

    I am afraid you don't like your husband and may be tempted to do stuff.

    You can give your husband good religious education or go with him and get religious education together.

  3. My dear sister, this is a hard situation.

    But remember there is a reason why you divorced in the first place.

    You may have rushed too fast into another marriage, you wanted a rebound to help you get over your husband...but things never work that way. You should have given your heart time to heal from grieving and understanding why you ended your first relationship.

    BUT, now you are in this situation. I suggest you make this work. We all have husbands who are not perfec, because we are not perfect our selves. Commit yourself to getting to know this man.

    Go do something fun together, go on dates, go bowling., rock climbing, go on an adventure together and create memories. You can't love someone you don't know. Just get to know him, and give him a chance.

    As for hygene. Just let him know he needs to shower and shave...don't be shy...he is your husband now. Nothing to be shy or embarrassed about. And if he doesn't have a religious education, learn together. Do online or in person classes to pass your time.

    Give this marriage a chance, get to know him and make it work dear. As for forgetting your ex, I can't help with that, but you need time and to rationally think about why that relationship ended and maybe that will remind you of why you are not together.

    All the best, and give this new relationship a chance, 3 months is nothing.

    • Sister ,

      If he is having beard he won't be able to shave .I think rest all your points are fine but shaving has nothing to do with hygene . It is advised to grow beard in Islam .

      • Thanks for the clarification brother, I really meant shaving his arm pits or groin area if that area is not feeling hygienic to her.

        The beard is a personal choice, and you can't ask him to shave it.

        Thanks for the clarification.

  4. Sister ,

    It is human nature to desire for some thing which is not there .When you have it you don't value it .

    Same thing you need to think about your current husband .As you says he has some good qualities like his calm nature ,looks and other things .If you miss it you might again regret it later after few months .

    I think you need to do some activities together along with your husband .Do some social work together or plan a long journey with him .I think this will build some good memories with him . Please remove all the pictures , stuff belonging to your ex husband .Delete all social media pictures and contacts you had with him .Also all the emails you have exchanged ..Just delete all .

    Also what understood is you rushed for second marriage because of sexual temptations and missed to look other parameters . Please remember controlling sexual temptation is shown in Islam by the way like not looking at opposite sex ,not interacting unnecessarily ,not watching erotic pictures ,movies etc etc .Even fasting in case of strong sexual desire . So i suggest you to follow these guidelines to solve your other issue .

  5. Salaam Everyone. I thank you all for your responses.
    I have been looking forward to this since the day I posted. Few things about me has changed so far in terms of my ex-husband. I don't have that crazy feelings for him now though somehow after a while it comes back to me again and I try hard to fight the thoughts to not think of him.

    My problem is that, although I have tried to love my husband, I failed many times. I am still trying and showing myself only the good side of him so I can build feelings for him and he is not a bad person. I can say, aside from educational level, he is so much better to live with than my ex. The only problem is that I am afraid I don't have a heart that can love anymore, may be am just realizing the damage my ex has done to my heart for having a relationship with him for such along time.

    I thought love comes easily, especially between a husband and a wife. Sometimes I feel like i have put a cold lock on my heart that now i can't even open up to a chance of loving others. I remember when i was first divorced I told myself to never love anyone and build a strong relationship until I am married. So after my divorce I have been approached by different brothers and I remember talking to two of them so we can get to know each other, after four months, I just let it go because I couldn't have any feelings for them so I thought this was due to them not being attractive personality wise. I just couldn't find something about them that attracted me. Then when my husband proposed, everyone agreed to this proposal and I told myself love will come after marriage. So what happened to me now? Why can't I love my husband? Will this change overtime ?
    Also, almost every Islamic lecture I listen to about marriage seems to promise the best love that comes after marriage, is this with the exception that a strong relationship should've been formed prior to the marriage? If so, wouldn't that cause one to sin?

    Please keep me in your prayers!

    • What kind of love are you expecting sister,....

      The passionate, lustful love, where you get butterflies in your stomach...the Hollywood love? The magical feeling where you wanna jump from the ceiling and say I love you! ......That's not going to happen, especially if you have been married before. It's just not. There is no fireworks kind of love.

      Even from my own experience, I have been married for 5 years, and the passion fades my dear, it's now the quite simple, love that keeps a relationship going.

      You are now a mature woman who has been in a relationship,not a teenager who has zero experience. You have been hurt by a previous relationship, so you are also guarded in that sense.

      Lower your expectations on what is love. Make him smile, do something fun together, cook his favourite meals, go on a road trip, just experience the daily mundane life together. Really, that's where love is.

      You wake up early, and make him his favourite breakfast. Or show you care , smile, hug and greet him with warmth when you both come home. That's love.

      Or it's that good morning hug you give when you wake up in the morning.

      Simple things that show tenderness and affection.

      Love is caring about the person, tasking care of them when they are I'll. feeling concern for them if they are late. Love is in the details of the daily boring stuff.

      I know my husband loves me when he lets me know he will be late, because he knows I will worry. Or when he is outside and calls to see if I want food from where he is.

      Love can be simple too, just small acts of acting to build a relationship a life.

      If he is a good man, and you see good in him try. But at the same time, if you can't live with him and feel like you are just faking it then maybe get some space. Make dua, and pray about what you need to do.

  6. Young Hafsa: So what happened to me now? Why can't I love my husband? Will this change overtime ?
    Also, almost every Islamic lecture I listen to about marriage seems to promise the best love that comes after marriage............

    What do you expect to happen when you start loving your husband?

    • I expect to have the energy to look forward to meeting him. Feeling the warmth in my heart when he comes home and I get myself ready to welcome him. I expect to be excited to see him after a long day at work and school. That's what I expect.
      I take everything so easy with him, in cooking, cleaning, beautifying myself for him et cetera, I don't try much to please him and I give the preference to myself first before him,,, and these characters are not mine, I am not that type of person but I can't help it. unlike my previous relationship where I would always be up and not lazy on any task.
      I don't know what has changed about me but I have lost something in me that weakened my energy

      • YOUNG HAFSA: I expect to have the energy to look forward to meeting him. Feeling the warmth in my heart when he comes home and I get myself ready to welcome him. I expect to be excited to see him after a long day at work and school. That's what I expect.

        OP: Out of 5 years you were married how long did you experience the above.

        I think lack of energy may be due to depression. In depression one forgets to enjoy and entertain himself/herself, even one may loose interest in sex Depression can cause anxiety/fears that also drain energy.

        Try light jogging. Just do some acting, like you feel excited and feel some warmth in your heart when you see him

        Nothing wrong with taking everything so easy with him, in cooking, cleaning, beautifying yourself for him et cetera, You don't have to try much to please him .....Just pretend you enjoy being with him.

        You can change.

  7. You've only been married 3 months and you're already past your ex from post 1 to post 2 so that is progress. Focus on the positives and be grateful for all the good things about your husband and your marriage.

  8. Please forgot x-hus. Come on dear . You are living in this world where you have to be practical. Stop dreaming x-husband.

    • Is time to move on sweetie, is going to be really hard because you married your husband out of love. I also married my husband out of love just like you and God forbidden anything happens between us I'll be heart broken because we have 2 lovely kids together thanks to Allah for that. But in a way you have to move on
      And be with your new husband that's your future now . And if I may ask if you and your ex love each other so much them why didn't you work extra hard to
      Get a long? Marriage is hard work and
      Like my grand mother use to say
      Nothing is like your 1st marriage no matter how many times women/ men get married so idk good luck and inshallah all a open your heart for your new husband.

  9. Asalamu aleikum
    I am in a similar situation, my ex wife and I have a child together as well.
    You posted this almost half a year ago and I am just curious about how it's working out for you?
    Were you able to move on and forget about your ex? Do you have that connection you where longing for? Are you still depressed?

    Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal

    May Allah forgive us muslims our sins those we are aware of and unaware of. Allah is the master of our hearts so may he guide us, grant us patience and ease. We seek refuge in Allah from shaytan and his plots.
    May Allah bestow his mercy upon us, which is greater then the love of our mothers. Alhumma amin

  10. Salaam sister

    I am in the exact same situation as you except i have not re-married, i have been divorced for 2 years now due to my ex husband being so aggressive and possessive, he always told me that i would cry all my life if i ever left him, people say he domestically abused me and led me to believe that too but i love him more than anything and i dont care about all this domestic violence stuff

    2 years down the line here it goes im planning on being with my ex husband i dont know how but wish me luck and all your duas please

    • You want us to wish you luck and make dua' for you to go back to an abuser? Sorry sister, but you need your head examined. Really, you need counseling.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Well it sounds like he was such a keeper! So much so that after two years you have not attained enough self-worth to realise the guy was no good. You will cry for life he said as he was confident that he had emotionally abused you sufficiently.

      The OP is also utterly ungrateful as not many get to remarry. Perhaps you are better off alone after all- hankering after some bad boy loser you mistakenly married after having a haraam hook up, instead of being grateful at having another chance of married life.

  11. I got my divorce 6 months ago...i loved my husband so much...i didnt wanted him to leave me..but he cheated me...he gave me divorce by family pressure..i know what he did is not acceptable at all...he use to say he loves me..he took good care of me..we were such a happy couple never willing to be seperated by shaitan got his success...I am so sad till now..i am so afraid if i marry another man i wouldnt be able to love him like i did to my first husband..he is not gettting out of my head...can anyone help me forget him? Our marriage lasted fr two years...he was weak..we couldnt have children..but i still loved him..its 6 months now and i am still missing him...having dreams about him.

    • Every time you think of him, remember how he cheated on you. How you were well and truly out of his mind while he lay with some random woman.
      Stop living in the past. It is dead, as is your marriage. Stop wasting your thoughts on a man who is no longer anything to do with you.

  12. You are so like me. I am going through the same situation but im not married again yet and i cannot at this point think of getting physical with anyone else but my ex. I can smell him, i can still feel his touch. Gotten into a state of depression. And adding insult to injury he has started calling me and we keep talking with eachother for hours. Dont know what to do, just cant get over him.

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