Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I think I am lost…

diverging paths

i am a muslim. i do not know what type of muslim i am. sometimes i feel like i am not even a human. i never write anything like this anywhere. but right now i do not know what to do. in short, i am an animal. an ungrateful animal. i am the worst of sinners i guess.

the problem is i can not control myself. i can not handle stress. i am very impatient. i do not offer salah. i have committed tons of sins. i am not going to tell in details. but one thing i would like to share is that i misbehaved with my father so many times. my father is very old and ill and he has some psychological problems. i am taking care of him. i am not doing any job for this reason. i love my father so much. but the problem is that i just cant tolerate his abnormal activities sometimes, although i know he is ill and i must control myself. i do not hurt him physically, but i just go mad. i start behaving like a psycho.

i prayed to Allah so many times for patience and forgiveness. but nothing works. i am repeating the same misconduct again and again. i just can not control my anger, my bad habits, my temptations. it sounds like the easiest thing to do. but i am finding it  most difficult. i am breaking down from inside. sometimes i think i am  mentally sick and i am going to rot in hell. i just cant tolerate myself. i just cant stand what i do. i have failed in everything. in career, in responsibilities, in personality development, in everything. in short in life and in life after death. it is causing serious psychological problem to me. i feel so tired. i cant sleep at night. you may find it so silly. but to me it is unbearably painful. i feel like i have no purpose in this life.

i think Allah has forsaken me. i am such an ungrateful  person. i start and i collapse. i repent. and then i do it is like a vicious circle. i just do not lack a serious will, i just dont have it. i behave like a kid. so weak , so pathetic. and i am sorry for my pathetic English.  what am i? what should i do?


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9 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister I have read your comment and feel sorry for you as shaitan likes to play with our mind and make us look worthless but Allah never abandons his slaves and never forsakes anyone. Helping and caring for ones elderly parents is a jihad which I believe a struggle you are going through right now. You may think you are worthless but Allah has something better in reward for people struggle in the path of Allah in this world. Caring for ones parents is loved by Allah and his messenger (pbuh) greatly. You may not know but you have a lot to gain in reward may be here in this duniya if you are patient but definitely in life hearafter. It seems like you have sacrificed a lot in your life and career just for your parents but what you have done speaks volumes and I'm sure most would agree with me. So continue looking after your parents. But most importantly you must reconnect with Allah through your salahs and not miss anymore as life's too short. Seek forgiveness, stay away from sins and start practicing your faith you will start to see the blessing of Allah. In sha Allah. However I would like to state if your feel depressed and stressed seek professional advice from your local GP. Don't suffer in silence. They might be able provide extra support to help you deal with some of your problems

  2. Assalamualaikum. God will never forsake his servants. The love that God has for us is unimaginable. So do not think God has forsaken you.

    I know the depression. I know the anger and i also know the feelings of self loathing. I grew up without a dad and i behaved like an deranged person to my mom. My mom is not the easiest person to deal with. She doesn't think before she speaks which ends up in me shouting at her. I would cry and berate myself later. I ask God why am i this way. For disrespecting your parents is a major sin in Islam.

    For me marriage gave me some sanity. As i moved away from my mom. It made me realise how much i loved and appreciated her. As i had my own child. It made me realise how difficult it was for my mom to care for me all these while. But at the same time. It also gave me room and space to breathe and be myself. Not being in contact with her daily made me be myself. I was not in anger mode anymore.

    But i do feel depression from time to time. But what is the point of dying? Its not going to solve anything. You will feel the punishment of the grave sooner. Also there will be no rest for your soul if you commit suicide.

    Your father is your biggest test to you. Allah is really testing your limits. But remember God never gives you more than what you can't handle in life. Many of us forget that. Also you caring for your sickly father is the best blessing ever. So so so much baraqah in that. Heaven is much nearer at your side.

    My advice to you however. You can so whatever bad things you want in life but pls sister. Pls do not miss your salah. With salah, Allah will guide you no matter what. Do try your best to pray. You only need 5 to 10 mins for each salah. Do not let the Shaitan to misguide you.

    Also do get someone to help out with your father from time to time. This way you can get away and have some me time. Trust me, you will get tranquility and rest with some time spent away from home. Learn how to control your anger. Giving into anger means you have let Shaitan into your body. Get some help. If possible go to an Islamic counseling. Go to the doctor, get meds to make you sleep at night. You cannot stress yourself out like this. Find the joys in life. We have such a short life to enjoy. All the best sister. May Allah make your difficulties in life easier. May Allah ease your pain and grant you goodness in life.

    • Nora, thank you for this very compassionate and helpful answer.

      Wael Editor

    • Salam,

      Thanks for the answer. One thing I'd like to point out though, I don't think disrespecting your parents is a major sin. Allah offers this:
      If you avoid the major sins which you are forbidden, We will remove from you your lesser sins and admit you to a noble entrance [into Paradise].

      If you know of a source that shows that it is major I'd like to see it. And if it turns out to be true I would say most of us have then committed a major sin.

      • Salam,

        The prophet has said that disrespecting your parents is a major sin. You can Google it and find out yourself.

        The seriousness of disobedience to parents as a Greater sin can be gauged from the fact that the Holy Prophet (S) has mentioned it along with Shirk which is the greatest of all Greater sins, and unforgiveable. “Āq” is a sin, the punishment of which is promised in the Qur’an and the traditions.

        The Holy Prophet (S) says:

        “Beware! Abstain from angering the parents. The fragrance of Paradise is perceived even at a distance of a thousand years, but those who are disobedient to parents and those who cut off ties with relatives will not be able to smell it.”1

        The Holy Prophet (S) also said.

        “One who displeases the parents, (it is as if) he has displeased Allah. One who angers both his parents (it is as if) he has angered Allah.”

        Elsewhere, it is mentioned,

        “One who hurts his parents, hurts me and one who hurts me has hurt Allah. And the one who hurts Allah is accursed.”

        Mustadrak ul-Wasa’il

        The Prophet (S) has also stated:

        “Allah will not speak to Three kinds of people on the Day of Qiyāma. Neither will He have mercy upon them, nor will He purify their sins. There is for them a horrible chastisement. The Three types of people are the believers in destiny, the drunkards and those who disobeyed their parents.”2

        • Salam Nora,

          I looked it up and there is dispute over this topic. Some people think there's a smaller set of major sins while others think there is a large list of them. In the smaller list there's seven, in the larger there are 70. Here's the excerpt from this link:

          "We are obliged to learn about what the major sins are, so that Muslims may avoid them. Scholars of Sacred knowledge are of different opinions about the number of the major sins. It is argued that they are only seven owing to the Prophet's (pbuh) saying,
          "Avoid the seven heinous sins: Worshipping others with Allah, sorcery, taking a life which Allah has made sacred except in the course of justice, devouring u
          sury, appropriating the property of the orphan, fleeing from the battlefield, and charging believing women, unmindful though innocent, with adultery.”

          Ibn Abbas holds that they are likely counted as seventy not seven. That is a good point of view because enumeration is not intended in the Hadith."

          To me it doesn't make sense that disobedience would be a major sin because most of the public has at some point in their life disobeyed their parents. But to the authors in that link they see it as a major sin.

  3. You know Allah loves us 90 times more than our mother..
    When we spread mischief on the face of earth and do not follow the commandments of Allah S.W.T earth make dua to Allah ..Oh Allah shall I swallow him ..but that's never happened..
    Because Allah don't want to punish us ..Allah loves us so much..
    Allah just want us to repent ...
    And said in surah bakarah Best of the sinners are those who repent..
    We all are sinners..

    It's high time you should start up with Salah ASAP.

  4. Brother, as you have realised, you have put yourself under a lot of stress and are juggling with responsibility that seems overwhelming and tiring to you. It is true that looking after a relative who is physically & mentally unwell is exhausting. Besides, you are constantly with your father with nothing else to engage your mind. As sister Nora has pointed out, it is very important that you give yourself some ’me’ time. Caretakers of all chronically ill patients are always advised to do that. Ask a friend or relative or paid help to take over from you for a few hours each day. You can use that time to study/work/gym. If you live in a country that offers social services, you could avail of their counselling for yourself too; to help you better cope with the situation. Join a support group of people with a similar situation. There are many; both online and real groups.
    In this way you will not consider looking after your sick parent a punishment. I know it is easy to say so, but this could be your ticket to Jannah Inshallah!
    I also agree that whatever the circumstance, do not your sever your ties with Allah. It is He Who we turn to for help; for without Him, nothing is possible or easy. It is important to be regular in prayers even if you are not offering long rakahs or extra nawafil. Prayers will give you the strength to battle it all.
    Allah SWT did not create anything without purpose. You are as much worthy before Allah as others and so are your deeds. Allah SWT loves each one of us seventy times more than our mothers, would our Lord abandon any of His creations in that love? Never.

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