Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I told him the truth about my past and he made my life hell

past, present, future

Salam,

I want to take a moment and thank everyone in advance for their suggestions and opinions. It truly means a lot to me.

I am in a very difficult situation currently, and just very confused. I actually do hold myself accountable for allowing this to happen. Please kindly read the whole situation and kindly make suggestions.

I was engaged to my husband 1.5 years ago and it was quite beautiful--we met through our families. He quickly proposed and I accepted as our families connected well. Soon after our engagement, we started to chat and talk on phone often, and he was quite interested in my past relationships and insisted on knowing more about them. At the time, I was not aware that one doesn't need to disclose their past relationships so I actually told him the truth about what I had done and that I'd repented and continue to do so. I made it clear to him that he doesn't need to marry me if he doesn't wish to.

One must be fully ready to accept the other person with all their flaws and past; if you cannot then don't ruin your life or theirs. At first he struggled a lot to accept my past, and made my life quite difficult, as he thought I'm still in contact with this guy. However, it was not the case. I specifically told him if he cannot accept my past, he will continue to bash me and I will have resentments towards him and this will not be a healthy marriage. Anyway, he still continued to talk with me and still wanted to marry me. After all, he had told me about his past relationships as well and much more than his relationships.

Anyways, fast-forward to our wedding night...he started bashing me, calling me dirty names, and telling me I'm a low life girl who deserves this treatment. He continued to bash me for the next few months like this. It came to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore and I started arguing back. He started mentally, emotionally and physically abusing me. He didn't want me to go anywhere without him, expressed he is embarrassed to be seen with me because of my past, and therefore can't take me to certain places. I still lived through that and let him abuse me as he wished. I just wanted him to forgive me and feel better.

Eventually, I became pregnant, and we were thrilled; he promised to never treat me badly now. Unfortunately that was not the case, as he bashed me even more and was physically abusive. I was so severely depressed with hormonal changes, throwing up and crying, I literally touched his feet and begged him to stop and care for his kid. He would kick my chest and my face and shove me on the floor and would storm out of the house. After a while, I lost the baby (miscarriage). He became nice to me, showered me with love and gifts, apologized for his behavior and begged for forgiveness.

All this time, since we'd been married, he has been coming home late, sometimes the next morning, and drunk. He'd go out with friends drinking and having fun, and if I tried to stop him, he would remind me of my past saying don't forget who you were and don't act like you are some innocent girl who hasn't been touched.

Anyways, after losing the baby, he promised to never drink or act like this again. He has stopped drinking which is good, but I don't know how long he can keep it up. Literally after the day of miscarriage, he was back to his old self and came home late again. When I became furious with him that he didn't care that his kid had just died, he should be home with his wife caring for her, he just left to hang out with friends. He quickly stood his ground and once again reminded me of my past.

He told me that just because I went for umrah and repented to Allah, prayed all prayers and read quran, that doesn't mean I have a clean slate with God. He says I lost the baby because of my past and Allah punished me for it. He bashed me so much, saying he is embarrassed to take me anywhere and all his friends ask him why he married me, he "could've had another, better girl," He said I should be happy he married a low-life girl such as myself, so "shut the hell up and let me do what I want!"

At first, the good side of him was something I'd only seen rarely, but when I did, I felt like the luckiest girl alive. He expressed his true love for me, took care of my needs, provided for me, he would kiss my feet and apologize, spend lavishly on me, and make me feel like the only girl alive for him. But seeing his bad side made me want to just end my life.

Now recently, he again has taken a complete turn and has changed. He has finally started showing the side of a husband I wished and prayed for. He apologized and reassured me that my past doesn't bother him anymore and that he wants things to be good between us and to live a happy life with me. He even started taking me to places and says he was never embarrassed but was just upset that I had a past and didn't tell him earlier and hid it. He even wanted to take me out with his friends, before he wouldn't do that at all.

I have forgiven him, but am unable to forget the pain he caused me and the damage he has done. I absolutely loved my husband from the moment he gave me the engagement ring, but I just can't seem to forget the torture he caused me. I still love him but I feel like I constantly have my guard up and the moments I bring it down I fear he is going to bash me and hurt me just like before. I just don't believe his love is real and feel he is being fake even though he has been very nice to me and loving towards me for 3 to 4 weeks.

So you see... that's why I am so very confused. I don't know what to do.

Please everyone... I beg you to help me. What should I do? I have accepted this man with all his flaws, I know every little detail of his own dirty past which I will not disclose because it's wrong. But if I can forgive him and would want a good future with him and our kids, does that make me a bad person ? My family thinks I should divorce him, I have given him way too many chances and forgiven him many times, but I keep on wanting to save this marriage. However, all his words and abuse I am unable to get over...I sincerely try but I just have this fear of history repeating itself.

My questions are :

  1. Should I divorce him ?
  2. Will Allah ever forgive me for my sins ?
  3. Am I being punished for my sins ?
  4. Has Allah not forgiven me ? Is this why I am going through this ?

I truly appreciate your help!!

- Sister Peace11


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2 Responses »

  1. From what you wrote, he seems bipolar. Extremely good and extremely bad. Check all his medicines and make sure that he does not have and psychological disorder. Check his family as well, it runs in the family.

    As for your questions:

    1. Should I divorce him ?
    Not, if he is bipolar. New medicines can help. But with no psychological disorder, you need to threaten to leave and be firm.

    2. Will Allah ever forgive me for my sins ?
    Absolutely. It's the humans who do not ever forgive, not the Almighty.

    3. Am I being punished for my sins ?
    Absolutely not! First pregnancy miscarriage is very common. Ask around, you will be surprised.

    4. Has Allah not forgiven me ? Is this why I am going through this ?
    Allah is not into hurting business. If you asked for forgiveness with a pure heart, most likely you are forgiven. Don't repeat the mistake, and you are as clean as before the mistake. Do not let dumb humans tell you that your are unpure or not clean. Allah is more forggiving than your imagination. Do not listen to any one who question His forgiveness power.

  2. Should I divorce him ?

    If he continues to throw things of your past, then yes. Once you lose respect is very hard to get it back. That is not loving. Allah invented love and that is not love what your husband is doing to you. All marriages have their arguments but not to the point is abusive. He is supposed to be your confidant, your best friend. So if he continues to bash you, then you have to love yourself and leave! God is first but then you are second. Funny how he tells you a little of his past. People who judge is because they have done bad deeds themselves and take it out on the people that love them. Honestly, I hope he changes for Allah and the sake of your marriage. But if does not, then you deserve the best. Your Queen who deserves a King! With Allah's blessings of course.

    Will Allah ever forgive me for my sins ? Of course if your heart is pure and you mean it. Try not to sin again but But no one is say that Allah forgives or not. Dont let your husband abuse you and think your less. What you went thru i went thru and my ex-husband used religion so I can feel worse than before. Allah loves and only Allah can judge us.

    Am I being punished for my sins ? No. Maybe it was a blessing you have a miscarriage. Who wants to have a father who abuses the mother. So the baby can learn from that and thinks its ok????

    Has Allah not forgiven me ? Is this why I am going through this ? Allah loves you. You seem a pretty good person. As long as we repent. and try to be good. Only Allah knows our hearts. I wish you the best, sister. I hope your husband changes for the best.

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