Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I took my girlfriend’s virginity, now she’s getting married to another guy.

Please excuse my grammar and misspelling english is not my first language. I come from a Christian family, but I was never very religious at all, like the average western teen all I care about was girls, parties living a reckless life. About 4  years ago I met a Tajik girl at work (Muslim girl from Tajikistan), at first we where coworkers, then friends and it turned into a relationship. Her parents did not know.


Two year and half ago I persuade her to be intimate with me, she was 16 and I 18 at the time. Over time I got to know her better and her family and my love for her started growing. I never thought I was going to be so in love with her, I never have seen a girl show so much love and care about me. Clearly that wasn't the best way I should have started.

Over the course of the time she taught me about islam and even gave me a Qu'ran. She told me that in order for us to get marry I have to convert to islam. I stated that for me to be muslim it has to come from the heart and really mean it and do it for the right reason otherwise i'll just be a liar in front of the eyes of Allah.

I promise her I'll do my shahada once I have no doubt and that I don't have any objections raising our children as muslim. As time went by I started learning more about her culture, traditions until I found out how sacred is for a muslim girl to be pure before marriage. Ever since that I have been struggling with the guilt. Then not long after that  people started to suspect about us at work and word got around that we where dating till the mum found out .

I didn't get to know her parents really well due to they being very hard working people and  now I have ruined any chance of accomplishing that. I can't even look them straight in the eye and not feel guilty. May Allah forgive for what I have done, only he knows that I am truly sorry. I told her I'll talk to her dad for forgiveness and permission to marry her and she told me her dad will never accept me as part the family. She's afraid that he'll hurt her and she won't be allowed to be in her family ever again.

Little after that I stared to notices change on her actuated towards me. At times she blame me for taking advantage of her and that she must choose her family. I have never asked her to choose me before her family in fact I want the relationship to flourish and be fruitful. I fear that her mum and sister are turning her against me. She has hopeless attitude and don't want me to do anything about it. She told me that she'll for ever hate me if I ever where to speak with her dad.

A month ago she went to visit her family in Samarkand knowingly that she was going to get engaged. Now that she is back she's being very distant and only wants to be friends. I am very much hurt and confused don't know what to do.

I'll be talking to her father soon and I'll like some advice in how to approach this very delicate manner.

How can I get through this?

- Pedro

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6 Responses »

  1. Pedro,

    Simply, if you really care for this girl, I think you should leave her and walk away - now. Firstly you are not Muslim and so this girl is not permitted to marry you in Islam. Secondly, she has made it quite clear that she does not want to continue this relationship with you. And thirdly, your whole relationship appears to be based on emotion.

    Yes, it takes two to tango, but if you pressured this girl to be intimate with you, then yes you did take advantage of her and yes a woman's purity, virginity and honour is of high value in Islam. If her attitude towards you has changed since she returned from her break with family, perhaps that time away from you gave her the time she needed to think clearly. It appears that she has realised the error of her ways and wants to sort her life out. She has made clear she does not want to continue a relationship with her so you seeing her father is completely unfair. By doing so you will no doubt cause major problems for her. Furthermore, you are running after someone who does not want you.

    Of course this situation will hurt you. But Pedro, I think its high time you count your losses or rather blessings and move on.

    SisterZ Editor

    • AoA,

      i read your comment and i would like to add few of my thoughts on the matter

      she being a female is directly presumed that the guy she was seeing must have taken 'advantage' of her, and pressurised her into sex, and i want to discuss on this matter.

      she mashallah has had islamic upbringing, she of the two must have better known that islam completely prohibits premarital relations, she not only sought that, but as well with a non muslim, and she was perfectly aware that she can't marry him until and unless he becomes a muslim

      just few days ago i read some facebook post of a woman crying that her boyfriend trapped her by promising marriage to her, and only he should be blamed for taking advantage of her, in my opinion, women take advantage of the thing that they are weaker species of the two and thus automatically, men should be blamed for committing zina and not woman.

      this must first be addressed, that zina, until and unless forced, or 'raped' is a zina which a woman will equally be accountable for, and she couldn't escape punishment by saying that i as a woman was taken advantage of fake promises by the man, or pressurised by the man

      my opinion is, why did she sought such haraam relaitionship in the first place which triggered the deed of zina?

      thus my point, that any muslim, regardless of being woman or man, must not only be physically pure, but mentally pure as well before marriage.

      and my opinion is that, she was either forced to marry, or she was scared of her consequences if she didn't complied with her parents, she would be disowned or some bad consequences,

      what ever the facts are, she must repent for her actions, and accept her fault and ask forgiveness for her transgression

      she must marry when she is ready and a true muslim guy and not to escape consequences or black lash of her Tajik society or her parents


  2. Pedro, I agree with SisterZ. It's really critical that we be sincere and have pure intentions in our actions. You were not sincere with this girl when you began. You were fooling around, having fun as many Western kids do. Now you are paying the price of that insincerity. You have to accept this as an important life lesson and move on. Do NOT speak to this girl's father as you could do a lot of damage to her.

    Do you know if she is engaged or not? If she is not engaged, and you are willing to convert to Islam, then you could convert and ask the local Imam to speak to her family on your behalf. But you must not convert only for her sake, because her family could very well refuse you.

    Wael Editor

  3. As others have said - speaking to her father may hurt her.

    Having said that, if he were to be violent towards her for a mistake (which I gather she has repented for and regrets), he would be doing something terrible and very sinful. Islam does NOT condone the violent treatment of daughters or wives. Her father must understand that it is not his place to 'punish' or humiliate her for her past actions. It is God and only God who has that right to judge, and Muslims must respect this. Sadly, culture and traditions often get in the way of true Islam, and conflict occurs.

    If you decide to speak to her father, you must tell her before hand and let her know exactly what you plan to say to him. If she wishes you not to do it, then you have to respect that. It might be very hard and painful for you, but you will not 'win her back' that way.

    Ultimately... you must trust in God. Allah has all knowledge and control over all things. Maybe instead of praying to get her back, pray for Allah to give you what is best for you. We are human - sometimes we don't know what is best for us. Sometimes we hurt ourselves, but at these times we need to take a step back and realise that all the time we are being tested by God. These hardships may seem painful, but you must be humbled by it, and know that God is always there for you: if you call to Allah, He will help you. Sometimes it doesn't happen as we would imagine it to, but it is for the best.

    Be genuine. Trust in Allah. Love Him first. Figure out yourself and what is in your heart.
    Even if you do not end up marrying this girl, you may meet someone and fall in love in the future - who knows but Allah. So have a little faith 🙂

  4. Muslims yearn to go to earn a good lot of mony in the west. they send their daughters and sons to the jobs.while doing so they do expect the most common outcome as in the case of this tajik girl and you. her father had sent her to job and he will except the relationship. you should approach him and talk to him you may hide your sleazy relationship with her. but if you stay a non muslim you would be denied your wish to be fulfilled.

  5. Assalamu alaykum

    Forgive me for interluding slightly late.

    Quran 24:3 translation:
    The adulterer/fornicator will only marry an adulteress/fornicatoress or one who is an idolatress. And the adulteress/fornicatoress, she will only be married to an adulterer or an idolater. And this has been forbidden for the believers.

    Quran 24:19 translation
    Those who love (to see) scandal published broadcast among the Believers, will have a grievous Penalty in this life and in the Hereafter: Allah knows, and you know not.

    You can remind her of these verses.

    If she has given you the quran, you can give her the verses in return. Ultimately if she is meant for you, then by the god's will you will.

    What you can do is let her father know that may allah reward him for raising a daughter who would pass on the quran and help you become a muslim. You may inshallah wish to send this as a gesture through a gift & card by post or hand.

    If allah doesn't will anything more in return from them then of course, do not end up going against quran 8:73

    And (as for) those who disbelieve, they are friends one to another. Hence if you (O Muslims!) do not act (as has been ordained for you to help one another) there will be persecution and great corruption in the land.

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