I tried to do the right thing…
Assalamoalikum,
Brother I hope my post finds you in good spirit and health, I'll try to keep my query short and to the point.
6 months ago, i came across a girl who was very much shattered due to her fathers ignorance in daughter father relationship and she was filled with complexes, and I fell in love with her regardless of those elements. MashaAllah she was very much aware of deen and was very different from all the girls, once i got into a relationship, i moved to a different city, she never demanded any materialistic things and every now and then encouraged me to pray and preform right deeds, and yes she was not completely disconnected from duniya but had more knowledge about deen than me who was a twenty year old and she was seventeen. Due to my childhood and past i am very less emotional and due to her past she was very sensitive and I hurt her so much every now and then she was always upset from me but always forgave me. We decided to make it halal and she spoke to her mother and i spoke to mine. Our fathers also met but her father wasnt told that it was a love marriage. Due to my family problems and financial issues she and her father were ready to wait for 2 years for nikkah and once I met her father we can do a small word ceramony.
But very recently she was having doubts due to my actions and lack of empathy that i might change once i get her (after marriage) so she decided to take some time off from me to think over it before giving me one last chance. I was really stressed and ended up taking a bayan from a known scholar, and i shared my query with him, he gave me two options, 1) Nikkah 2) End it and if she is in your naseeb you'll get her. Because all the stress to her and you is just due to this Haram Relationship
So immediately before considering anything, I left her a long message mentioning everything, and told her I want to pursue without talking, and I will meet her father and everything but I want to pursue it in this manner, and I blocked her from whatsapp, and I did this with the belief of being a better person for her, but she didn't take it well saying that she can't pursue and she needs someone to cry to, someone to talk to everyday, she cursed me in so many ways and told me that i ruined her life and everything worse possible and after a while told me that she said yes to another Proposal,that's where I slipped and I told my mother about the incident and she said emotionally it was wrong and a bit too extreme but Islamically it was right, and I should have considered this before being involved. Then I called up her mother and said that the girl isn't coming in contact with me and i have treated her in very cold manner in the past but I don't want her to end it, since family is involved and eveything.
Later that night I kept on trying to make her understand that I want this relationship in the purest manner, but she was unable to understand saying that after her childhood I was her only hope for a good future, and I took it all away from her, and I'm a very cold hearted selfish man and she was sure that she will stay happy with another man, and she will make sure that after two and half years when I'll approach the right way directly for Nikkah she'll be happy with someone else.
since then the level of stress has just magnified and I'm unable to think straight and I can't stop myself from calling her and she just says that she has forgiven me for everything with purity but can't live with a man like me who has made her cry every time, she says there is no forgiveness for the heart breaks and Islam always refrains from breaking hearts and Huqooq ul Ibad come first, she also said that she'll commit suicide before coming back to me.
At one point i feel right and at the other i feel regretful for hurting her in so many manners, making her promises of not leaving her, and for making her cry, Im really afraid that Allah SWT will punish me and I'll regret losing her.
kindly help me may Allah SWT bless you all
shahg
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Both of you seem to need a lot of growing up to do. Marriage is a bond with a responsibility. Am sorry to say, both of you seem too emotional and impatient in your thoughts and actions.
It is good that your families are involved. For now, both of you steam off for a few weeks. Leave her alone.
Meanwhile, you look into yourself and think long and hard about your priorities. How educated are you? What do you want to pursue as a career? How much do you earn? How long do you need to be able to earn enough to support a family? Will your parents help you with any expenses in case you settle down? In case you plan to get your nikkah done to make it halal,as I understand we live in an era of temptations, what boundaries will you follow in your relation and most importantly; do you think you can handle the roller-coaster of emotions you both seem to go through: being soulmates one moment and strangers in another?
Think long and hard. If the girl still decides you are not for her, let her go. If she comes back, discuss practical things with her, both your families and see where it goes from here.
But as you were correctly advised, keep it halal.
I don't think you meant to hurt her. When you don't mean to do anything wrong Allah will forgive you. Towards the end of the relationship you did try to do your best, I think probably because you became more mature. Neither one of you are quite ready for marriage. I think their has been way to much hurt for you to pursue her again plus she was already an emotional mess to begin with. Forgive yourself and find someone who doesn't have so much emotional damage but take your time to find the right one.
Can you say more as to how she stopped talking to you and was going to think about it?
Salam .brother I am no scholor .Although I wasn't a Muslim in the past.I am married to a scholor and only met her times before we agreed to get Nikkah. IF WE CHOOSE TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND. THEN WE ARE CURSING OURSELVES AND THIS WILL BE RELATIONSHIP OF EVERYTHING THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE.JUST TAKE A LOOK AROUND.PEOPLE CHEATING MIXING WITH OTHER SEXES SHOWING OFF THERE BODIES AND THE DIVORCE RATE GROWS....TODAY THE MUSLIMS ARE LOST .THEY HAVE NOT UNDERSTOOD THERE PURPOSE OF LIFE.THE TRUE SUCCESS IS OBEYING THE COMMANDMENTS OF ALLAH AND TEACHINGS OF MUHAMMAD PBUH. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY .WHETHER THIS PERSON IS THE WEALTHIEST OR SMARTEST. IF HE DOESN'T HAVE IMAN HE CANNOT BE GUIDED AND SO HE IS LIVING A LIFE OF ILLUSION.SALAT AND QURAN AND REVIVING EVERY SUNNAH IS 100%SUCCESS.THIS WILL GIVE YOU PEACE TRANQUILITY AND BARAKAH IN ALL WAYS UNIMAGINABLE AND IMAGINABLE. WOMEN COME AND GO.BUT THE REAL WOMEN HAVE KNOWLEDGE AND TAQWA.THEY DON'T HAVE RELATIONSHIPS SUCH AS.ALL DUNIYA GIRLS ARE THE SAME REGARDLESS.YOU HAVE TO GO MOSQUE DAILY AND JOIN THE AMALS THAT TAKE PLACE. GET INVOLVED WITH THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY AND HELP IN ANYWAY.MAKE NEW FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE ON HAQ. THEY ARE ALWAYS ATTENDING 5 TIMES SALAH AT MOSQUE.SIT AT THE LECTURES GET INVOLVED WITH TABLIGH. ALLAH SAYS YOU HELP MY DEEN .I WILL HELP YOU.BUT THOSE WHO CHOOSE A LIFE OF FUN AND GAMES AND DISOBEY ALLAH'S ORDERS.THEN THEY WILL GET THERE HARD LIFE IN THIS WORLD.ALLAH WILL THERE HEART WITH SO MANY PROBLEMS THAT HE WILL NOT GET PEACE OF MIND....SO YOU CHOOSE...BY THE WAY IF YOU WANT HER ..GET FLOWERS APOLOGIZE AND SAY THAT I WAS WRONG .I COME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I WAS IMMATURE. I WANT TO START FRESH.IF YOU DON'T WANT TO I UNDERSTAND I WILL LEAVE YOU IN PEACE.KNOW THAT'S A REAL MAN BECAUSE ISLAM TEACHES BE STRAIGHT AND HONEST AND GET TO THE POINT.
Assalam alaikum brother.
May Allah bless u and keep u pious. I am proud of you for taking such brave action in your life. You are in the right path meanwhile let me remind you these verses..
Iblees (Satan)) said: "O my Lord! Because you misled me, I shall indeed adorn the path of error for them (mankind) on the earth, and I shall mislead them all. (Sura Al Hijr : 39)
Shatan will never let you follow the right way. He will create thousand scenarios to make you disobey Allah. He has given access to the places wherever blood pumps in human body. إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَجْرِي مِنْ الْإِنْسَانِ مَجْرَى الدَّمِ (Hadees) which says "Verily Shatan flows through human body wherever blood flows". Hence he can even access the mind that girl. He can take control of her heart. You need to be stable on your policy. Either Nikah or no relation untill nikah. Brother, you are in a great war, war against your soul. Prophet (s.a) said that the greatest war is the war against your soul or nafs. It might convince you that You are hurting her, you are making her cry. you are emotionally killing her etc. but remember brother infact you are protecting her. Sometimes you need slap on kids to make them stop doing harmful things but the kid will never understand that kindness of its mom. Likewise, she need not necessarily understand your thoughts, but that doesnt mean you should talk to her daily. Tell her to do the nikah right now but i am afraid of Allah on having haram relation. Allahs mercy, Allah might consider you among the people whom he will shelter through the shadow of his Arsh.
Pray to Allah, cry out to him. He will open you the doors of Halal. Any cost, brother dont go for a haram relationship.
Prophet (s.a) said that The worst man is the one who looses his Aakhira for the sake of his Duniya.
Pray for us brother. Please revert me on any further info. Alhamdulillah by the mercy of Allah, I am a student of knowledge. I can try helping you out of whatever little I know.