Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I try to please my boyfriend in everything, but he doesnt give me the same attention

bad love

Assalam o Alaikum

I've lots to say and discuss but dont know whether i'd be able to convey it exactly or not. i've been engaged to a guy for three years, we are in a settled relationship and will be marrying soon after his graduation. Apparantly everything's set in my life but even though I'm disturbed. I love this person more than anything and i guess this is the problem. everything in the life has its certain place, a certain block and problem happens when you place the wrong thing in the wrong block.

I know he loves me alot, he is struggling hard to give us a better future, but i feel like i've placed him in the wrong block. To me he is the most important person in my life, with every single thing i do, i try to please him, i try to avoid hurting him, i try to avoid all that which can make him upset or angry and all this is not because I'm afraid of him, it's because I love him to death. He was the same for a long time but now I can sense somehow he has begun taking me for granted.

Once I was on top of his preference list and now, though i do not expect to be on top still after 3 years of a relationship with increasing responsibilities but I can't bear either to be in the last. No matter the thing I ask, its his last minute task, and often unplanned. I understand there are some circumstances when u just cant help it, it could happen once or twice or thrice or even once in a blue moon but everytime? Its been happening for everything, every time for last six months. I dont doubt him for not taking interest anymore or walking out of the relationship but i know his preferences has been rearranged.

This may sound a little weird or unnecessary nagging but for a person who has been someone's top priority for a long time and now has become his last minute job it could be very painful and depressing. Now the problem is what should be my next step, I have talked to him about the prob but he's not catching it, and i dont want to nag again and again about it. i want to rearrange my preferences too, feel like if i've spent the same efforts in a relationship with Allah, I'd gotten better results and at least satisfication.

I dont want to leave him as it's not possible for both of us to walk out of it, and even if it was, we couldnt just because we love each other but i do want to make my bond stronger with Allah. Can you provide me any piece of advice, any thing that could help feel me better and positive? I know I'm disturbed alot at the moment and all that i've written may sketch an unclear picture, if it is than sorry for taking your time. If u understand even a bit of it than any piece of advice would be welcomed.

Jazak Allah


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6 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, on reading your post, it makes me feel that you have given the right of Allah to this boy.

    You said: "To me he is the most important person in my life, with every single thing i do, i try to please him, i try to avoid hurting him, i try to avoid all that which can make him upset or angry and all this is not because I'm afraid of him, it's because I love him to death."

    This is the position of Allah in the lives of Mu'mineen. They love Him to death and are ready to do anything for His sake. They do what they do, not only because they fear Him but, because they Love Him, too.

    The decision is further yours.

    Now regarding your priority in the boy's life. An excerpt from islamqa:

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah
    al-Saheehah, 624)

    Al-Sindi said, as noted in Haamish Sunan Ibn Maajah: The phrase “We do not think
    that there is anything better
    for those who love one
    another than marriage” may
    be understood to refer to two
    or to more than two. What this means is that if there is
    love between two people,
    that love cannot be increased
    or made to last longer by
    anything like marriage. If
    there is marriage as well as that love, that love will
    increase and grow stronger
    every day.” But if that marriage comes about as a result of an illicit love relationship, such as when they meet and are alone
    together and kiss one another, and other haraam actions, then it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger. Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her. So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later. The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate. Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.
    (end quote, islamqa)

    My sister, I understand that you are distressed. And May Allah Help you come out of it.
    You should know that your relationship was and is Haraam. As you have read the Hadith, if two like one another, there is no way to take the relationship forward except marriage. I hope you have understood the above and will act on your learnings.

    You say you both can not live without each other. When his priority has changed and you have moved lower in the list, it is possible that you move out of it.

    You need not worry my sister, if the boy does not say heed, he was destined to do so.

    You said you want to strengthen your relationship with Allah. If you want to do that, you need to get rid of this Haraam relationship, either by way of marriage or by merely forgetting about him.

    Because, as long as you do not do it, you'll not be able to concentrate on Deen.

    Once you make the decision, you can strengthen your relationship with Allah through prayers full of Khushoo, adhkaar with understanding of their meanings and so on.

    I pray to Allah that He enables you to make the best decision
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. dear sister, Are you slave of this boy? b'cause you are doing like that. first follow islam properly ok. Dont allow any one to destroy your life. Do you feel proud by doing this because you are advanced modern girl? please be like a human............... dont involve in this waste activities.

  3. Salam, waseem
    Im interested when u said she has made this guy Allah. When you love someone, isnt it natural to do what she did? If she loves Allah 1st n this guy 2nd, can she behave like that too?

    Sister,please fasten ur marriage 😀 its the only way. Engagement shouldnt be for long time

    Safraj, please dont condemn. Wer all humans, we tend 2 make mistakes. May Allah soften ur heart in d future isA

  4. Dear Sister,
    I am in the same boat as you are.. taken for granted, not loved back, ignored, not ready to sacrifice their precious time for us etc etc.. I felt as if you were voicing my thoughts sister..


    I think brother Waseem is right, we can become closer to Allah and ask the Almighty to make this relationship halaal as soon as possible while praying further that these men we love, care more for us in the future..

    Allah is the only one who can make it work..

    Allahu Akbar..

  5. Sister Mira91,

    It is possible that people love Allah The Most Merciful the most, and then His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, and then they have different people, such as a wife may have a husband or someone may have his/her parents, and so on. But there are limits to these.

    Love for Allah is what makes oneself enslaved to Him. Whatever He wants is done by a slave without question, even if we do not understand what we do. This is His Right and can be given to none else.

    What the sister mentioned seemed like she was enslaved to this guy. Whatever she did was to please him. This is what we do for Allah. We do all deeds, only so that Allah is Pleased.
    When a person loves another and he/she crosses the limits of this love, he/she becomes enslaved to the other.

    In such a situation, a slave of Allah does not even do prayers properly, and can not do any good deed with a good niyyah. Deen is no more the first priority. A person even becomes ready to kill oneself for the other. This is a very dangerous situation.

    In Arabic, love is classified into two types (per me). One is 'Ishq which is what the last paragraph mentions, the second is al Muhabbah, which is pure love.

    Even the love between a married couple is Muhabbah. The love a slave has for Allah is al Muhabbah, the love we have for His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is Muhabbah.

    'Ishq is what makes a person crazy.

    And Allah Knows Best.

    I hope you have understood the difference.
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  6. it could be sign that he is not the right man for you.

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