I want help on my marriage and what should I do to make it better?
Assalam-o-Alaikum.
My husband and I got married few months ago. We don't live at the same place. He was very loving and caring in the start but I ignored him during my aunt's visit to our home. After that he changed completely.
I realized that I did wrong and tried to change myself for him. He still loves me but I don't understand what make him so rude that he asks me to go, doesn't wanna talk to me for hours. I try to do little things just to win his heart but he suddenly gets angry and puts his number off. I ask ALLAH for patience but I'm scared of his rude behavior.
I think of going to his place and tell him that I am his wife and I am being hurt by his behavior. But I don't know how will he react. I don't wanna lose him because I consider our marriage and him as a gift from my ALLAH.
Can you please guide me in what way I should talk to him? he doesn't like it when I try to tell him that you're doing wrong.
sarasumair
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I think it may be difficult to appropriately advise you, without some information about your husband (his deen and character, in general) and how you got married to each other, in addition to why you live in different places.
sarasumair, wa alaykum as-salam,
It's clear that there are some serious problems with your marriage.
1. It seems that you live in the same city but do not live together? Why is that? This is very strange. It's one thing if one partner is away temporarily for work, but to live apart for no good reason is a recipe for a failed marriage. There is no way the love between you can grow and become established like this.
2. The lack of communication between you two is a serious problem. He gets angry and turns off his phone, and you don't question that? A marriage requires open lines of communication, and I don't mean over the phone but in person. You must be able to express your feelings to him and vice versa.
It seems that you are afraid to challenge this miserable situation because you are afraid of losing him. But what I see is that your fear will guarantee that you remain stuck in the same situation. You must speak to your husband forthrightly and tell him that the current situation is unacceptable. If he divorced you for your honesty then he was never the right man for you in the first place.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister, it's difficult to understand why he is behaving this way. Like brother wael I don't agree with living apart after marriage but sometimes I guess there is no choice. But the real issue here is lack of communication and empathy from your husband. His behaviour seems unreasonable and selfish. I think whether he likes it or not it's absolutely vital you discuss your issues openly. It doesn't mean that you become angry or impolite but just be honest in how you feel and why. Show him that your making an effort for him, perhaps he's not feeling loved by you and wants more attention, but if that's the case then he is going about it the wrong way to ask for it. Really sit down in privacy and discuss delicately what the issues are. If things are becoming tense or tempers are rising, then stop and restart at a different time. It's early days and sometimes it takes time for a couple to understand one and another. But it's equally important to have good communication and resolve issues quickly before they develop into any further. If you both want perhaps try counselling to help build stronger foundations for the future inshaAllah. On the other hand if you feel that your husband lacks empathy towards you and continuously fails to acknowledge your needs and address his own shortcomings then you need to think carefully about whether you want a husband like this. Ask Allah swt for guidance. May Allah swt put love and mercy in your hearts for each other, and bless your marriage ameen
Assalam o Alaikum
We don't live in the same city because we are studying and belong to two different places. After completing my degree we'll live together In Shaa ALLAH.As I already mentioned that he was very polite in the beginning. He used to offer prayers but now he doesn't except the Jumma prayer. Basically, he got angry because i had given him no proper time because we used to talk for hours and during my aunt's visit my mom fell ill so I along with my sisters did all the chores. He said that before Nikah he knew that I am different and he will change me. Its hurting me that he did not liked me then why he became a part of my life?? Why do people want to change a person whom they love? I just wanted a happy married life but its going in the wrong direction.
And yes there's a lot of lack of communication. He doesn't wanna listen to my feelings or when he hurts me but he tells me everything when I hurt him. So all the gap is due to me because I am silent on this issue just because I want to save our relationship. I used to talk to him on every issue and when he was wrong, In the same way i asked him to tell me, advice me when i am doing something wrong but now i cant stop him even if its hurting me. He says when I ask you to sleep u have to, no arguments. I I don't then he behaves like he doesn't know me. He tries to take everything in his hand, it seems he is controlling me.
I belong from a Punjabi family but usually speak in urdu. Yesterday he asked me to talk to him in Saraiki which he taught me and i forgot because i have not practised it properly. So he became silent when i made mistakes and got annoyed. I asked him why are you being angry if i made any mistake, i love you damn much why are you angry and told him that i don't get angry over him when he says anything bad. So, he left saying that talk to me when you will learn that language.
I was just shocked at his reaction. Is love between husband and wife is dependable upon learning some kinda language? What if i don't wanna do those things which he insists me to do? What about me? I read a statement in a book that Marriage is appraised upon our joint statement, one single person is not responsible then why am I held accountable when something bad happens. I just can't understand
I am not saying that I am flawless but at least I do care when he feels alone, when he says that he needs me but he doesn't give importance to my emotions. Its really disturbing me but I can't think of leaving him, I'll wait for him to change his behaviour. There is love in our relationship but no mutual respect.
It sounds a bit petty that he's holding some kind of grudge about you not paying attntion to him because your mum was unwell and u were distracted elsewhere, he's not a child im sure he can take care of himself. It's good that you feel the love, but respect is an important aspect of the marriage. I wouldn't ignore these little conflicts so early in the marriage, im not saying blow things out of proportion, but they do need to be addressed to avoid resentment from building up and leading to bigger problems later on. Being married is one thing but living together is a compeltly different game!! If there is lack of respect and a lack of communication already it could lead to bigger problems in dealing with everyday dilemmas when you move in together. Think carefully about this.
Yeah brother i do agree with you. I tried to talk to him but he is not ready to listen. I told him in a very polite way that we are husband and wife, i don't know anything else so you should stop all this and talk to me now. He made a taunt O dats good you know, keep on talking sorry I disturbed you.
I thought of going to his place and talk to him personally but no one is supporting me, my elder sister asked me not to go there but i have no choice. May be this is the last chance i have to make things work. I do have trust in ALLAH He'll help me for sure but i'm lil confused. Should I go there and meet him? I really wanna go and see him as he's not ready to clarify the ambiguities
No worries - im actually a sister though ;p
Well dont u guys meet at all ?it doesn't have to be so formal - maybe meet for dinner, spend the day together and gently talk about the different issues. Keep it positive and respectful so that you can both find a positve solution InshaAllah.
oh m sorry i did not know 🙂
nope i met him after our Nikah,about 9 months go
nd In Shaa ALLAH i am going to meet him in the coming week. ALLAH has solved my problem.
Really thank you sis 🙂
Alhamdulillah im glad to hear it 🙂 Pls also keep me in your Duas
Yeah sure I'll
Pray for me as well cuz i am trying to save my relationship and still got no response from my husband.