Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to be free from this marriage

one bad leaf

On the surface, things might seem alright, but there are deeper problems...

Hi,

I'm in a really complicated situation.

I got married 2 years ago. It was an arrange marriage but there was no pressure from either of our families. We met a few times before I got married and because he was so perfect I didn't have a reason to say no.

He is someone any other girl would die for. He looks after me, provides for me, is always there for me, makes sure I'm ok.

He asked me for only one thing before we got married that he stays in a joint family and really loves his parents and he would never want his wife to ask him to move out or ask for a separate house. Which at that time I was ok with but his parents are very conservative and backwards and have these rules where the daughter in law cant wear the cloth black except an abaya, or a daughter in law is supposed to always help in the kitchen etc.

I was a very outgoing girl and had no restrictions before I got married. I used to wear whatever I wanted to, Go wherever I wanted to but never used to cross my lines because I always respected my parents! I had all the freedom in the world and my siblings never had an issue with me either. I had an amazing life as compared to a normal Pakistani women born and raised in Dubai.

Now when we got married, since day 1 my mother in law did dramas on getting less gold from my family and not giving them enough gifts etc which made me go crazy because I had never been aware of these traditions before. My husband always accepted that his family was wrong but never said anything to his mom out of respect. My mother in law is controlling and the father in law bows down to her too. My husband supports the whole family including his elder married brother. I have never had issues with him giving his salary at home. My mother in law gave me a hard time in the first 3 months when my husband used to be at work which is why I continued working to avoid spending time with them while my husband was at work and on the same side, I wanted to help him save financially because we couldn't save from his salary due to his responsibilities etc. My mother in law has a mind set where a son is supposed to support the parents and pay back for all that they have done for him in their old age. Never the less, I changed for him and his family completely. We decided that I will live for him in that house and he lives for me outside the house. There is no way my husband will ever move out unless we apply for Canadian immigration and move to Canada.

Our sexual relationship has always been non satisfying. Ive been working on him for 2 years but now ive come to a point that I hate having it with him coz its a joke.. Foreplay takes 2 mins and then the sex doesn't last for more than 15 or 20seconds. I have asked him several times to do something about it. He tried but he cant go on for long. Secondly I think im not happy with the size may be because its not enough and even if he goes on for 30secs sometimes it doesn't feel good or satisfying.

I've just never had a good sex life and ive been trying to love him or have feelings for him or be attracted to him atleast a little bit for 2 years. I do not have a valid reason to ask for a divorce but I just don't love him. I fight with him for small things. Im always frustrated and hate anything he says. I feel so suffocated since I got married to him. After thinking so much I think may be I can seek for a divorce because im not happy with him and ive made our life hell. Its not like I haven't tried to calm myself down. Like I said ive been trying for 2 years. We still don't have kids coz we both were not ready. He is perfect but im still not happy with him. He says he really loves me and I understand but then he's ruining his life too. Im 26years old and he is 30years old. He still has a chance to move on. I'm not a good wife to him.

I don't say no to him to intimate relationship but it frustrates me even more coz he cant satisfy me. I don't know what to do and im becoming a really horrible person bcoz im always angry at work or home or in traffic. Its killing me. I don't wanna stay with him but the only person that I worry about in the whole wide world is him. I don't want to break him. I know he will fall apart but its just been two years. Is it fair that for the fear of him falling apart I compromise on my happiness for the rest of my life.

Im not worried about who's gonna marry me after him because I would rather be alone or be with someone who I love and have feelings for. I know that feelings fade away with time in strong marriages too but ive never had them in the first place. I hate it when he touches me. When he makes love to me I don't even get excited and ive never been able to get excited. I just wanna be free.

Does Islam supports a divorce in such a situation? or should I just compromise for the rest of my life?

Thanks!

Muslima89

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31 Responses »

  1. Muslima89 dear sis, that is not a good reason for divorce and divirse in Islam is not good. Pray to ALLAH day and night and In Sha ALLAH everything will work out you have had patience for 2 years and you don't really want to leave him and by you saying that you have not said anything to your mother in law shows that you are a kind hearted person. ALLAH will surely help you.

  2. Salaam sister i know exactly what your going through because i have the same issue, my situation is slightly different as my husband never had feelings for me and now tables have turned where i dont have no feelings for him and he does. In regards to a divorce dont jump to conclusion i would advice you to have a trial seperation and maybe in the time away you might realise you do love him. In regards to the sex life have a look online there are many products you can buy to satisy your needs. Lastly you know what your going through so if you feel your happiness is most inportant to you do istikhara and seek Allahs guidence. We are all being tested in different ways this mite be your test have patience and do dua. May Allah bless you with what is best for you In Sha Allah

    • Haniya Khan: my situation is slightly different as my husband never had feelings for me and now tables have turned where i don't have no feelings for him and he does..... In regards to the sex life have a look online there are many products you can buy to satisfy your needs.

      When you say " I have no feelings for him" what do you exactly mean?

      • No love no affection no attraction nothing is there when he touches me i cridge i dont feel hurt if hes hurt i dont feel nothing i hate being around him and whatever he says gets on my nerves.. i dont show it thow but my situation is very different to this sisters..

        • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah dear sister,

          I don't want to deviate from the original post, but subhanAllah, may I kindly ask more details so as other brothers can learn from the situation...
          what happened for you to stop loving your husband and reach this stage of hate??

          Or is there a post where we can learn more about the situation?

          May Allah al-wasi un-'aleem make your husband and children the comfort of your eyes, and increase you both in knowledge and imaan, ameen!

          was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

          • I got married to my fathers nephew when i got married my husband was really good to me however i was living with his sister and she always had problems with me or would bring something from the past in regards to what my parents had done. After 3 months of marriege my husbands brother had a car crash my in laws accused me and said i was bad luck to them hatred against me started building. Alhamdulilah i got pregnant and decided to move out 1 month before i was due however my husbands sister was against us moving we went ahead with moving but his family turned his back on him saying he left his family for his wife. After i had my child my husband driffted away from me decided to sleep in a seperate room didnt like my body and had no feelings for me i knew he didnt love me when i married him but this situation changed as he started living his own life showed no love gave no time arguements started and i also left home i returned back after a few days but 1 day he decided to divorce me we would sit and talk with family then try to make things work we did this for almost 1 year he would tell me he doesnt love me doesnt see the spark in me and wants to move on families got together again and this time we decided we shall seperate. I went to my mums but he decided to call me back and this time he claimed he loves me which was strange but i came back. When i come back i got accused of having a affair as i got seen taking a lift from a work friend my love was already dying for him and by this stage had completely died. I was pushed to the point i could not return no feelings i had become numb. today my husband has shown everyone hes the good 1 and im the bad 1, if i leave i should tell the family the truth and in their eyes the truth is i dont love my husband because i love anouther man. This weekend my husband is leaving home i dont know if he is doing right or wrong because i cant give him the love i should and he cant give me time to try to bring the love back.. i havr tried to stop him and advised him to think deeply but he says i dont love him and he cant accept yet he told ne he has no love for me for months and i kept patiene and accepted it..

  3. Dear sister
    I get straight to the point, you are young and sort of trapped in your in laws house, that could be part of the reason why you feel frustrated, which leads onto you feeling like your hubby is not performing well,as things get accumulated .
    You just need to give it time, and do try and spice up your love life, have weekends away from home so that both of you can relax and enjoy better away from the pressures of home life.
    Marriage should be taken seriously you need to give it time, maybe work on things and together improve your love life.
    Give your marriage sometime working with your husband ,let him know how you feel and together try and build strong bond,give and take so that you are working with each other rather than against. If things don't change and you still feel the same, separation would be more ideal than going straight for a divorce. Like sister above said maybe you need time apart to know how you really feel, whether there is love there,or not.
    You are young and sometimes young people just opt out of things rather than working towards things.
    If you feel still same after a year or so then I guess there is no point in staying especially if there is no love between you guys. One way love is no good either, one partner loving other and receiving no love back isn't right also.
    Yes you are young and there is no point sticking around in a cold marriage if this after trying don't improve or are still the same.
    There are so many people out there who stick with each other just because of their marriage vows, and life passes by with no real love or affection, this is also not right. Life should be happy and merry, love between husband and wife should be quite strong.
    You have mentioned that your husband doesn't want to move away from his mother, why don't you talk to him again and ask if you can buy a house nearby and you'll come and visit now and again each other weekend, but don't stop him from seeing his mother and father at all.
    Anyways best of luck and may you think long and hard before making any hefty decisions, May Allah Bless Your Marriage, May It Be Worth Saving, And May Things Work Out Ameen.
    Don't divorce your hubby back use he can satisfy your needs in bed, I'm sure there are things out there which can improve your sex life

  4. sister i think you need elephant size. i think you should not discuss your time limit of sex here, i felt ashamed while reading the detail you have mentioned with confidence.
    marriage is not about size and sex most of the questions here are all about sex , sex and sex why you most of the sisters want animal size.
    marriage is a bond of care, love, affection, protecting each other, respecting each other in the presence and absence of your partner but you are telling everybody about your husband size
    are you sure your husband is getting satisfaction from you as well? may be ! he doesn't feel anything while fore playing thats why he quit fore playing in 2 mins? who knows?

    • lorelei lee: sister i think you need elephant size. i think you should not discuss your time limit of sex here, i felt ashamed while reading the detail you have mentioned with confidence...... why you most of the sisters want animal size........are you sure your husband is getting satisfaction from you as well? may be ! he doesn't feel anything while fore playing thats why he quit fore playing in 2 mins? who knows?

      Why you felt uncomfortable about reading time limit of sex? People feel uncomfortable asking questions about sex and sharing information about their sexual experience. If a Muslim girl or a guy has a question about sex where should they go? Sexual confidence is important for one to feel good about themselves. For most men sex is the most important at certain stages of life. It is hard for people to know what NORMAL sex is.

      OP is concerned about the size. The size may be normal. if she knew average size is 5.5 inch she may no longer be concerned about the size. Sex education is very important. If OP is judging size based on things she saw on Internet, she needs to be explained the comparison is not realistic.

      OP is also concerned about her husband lasting 15-30 seconds and a short foreplay. She should find ways of to extend foreplay, telling her husband what pleases her. Many posts here are about women who are living sexless lives. If she knows a lot of men are finished within 15-40 seconds (erect penetration to ejaculation), she may not feel that bad.She also needs to know only a small percentage of women get orgasm or sexual satisfaction by sexual Intercourse. Many women just have sex as a duty with not much enjoyment for themselves.

      Sex therapy or marriage counselling may help.

  5. if the genders were reversed here all hell would of broken out loose by now , but since its a women , its cool right , I still remember the post where a man complained about his wife's breast not being big enough and got tons of negative comments , but here I don't even see a bit of criticism, simply amazing

    • True. If a man wrote and complained about his wife private parts, he would come under heavy criticism for being shallow, judgmental, selfish, etc.

      You are mistaken that there was no criticism, however. Sister lorelei did speak up on this issue.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Right, but I think the difference is that men complain about the size of women's breasts/thighs/stomach much, much more frequently than women complain about the size of a man's organ. In fact, I think this is the first time I have heard a Muslim woman openly voice a complaint about that subject. Whereas the size of women's chest -- and their looks in general -- are the frequent subject of criticism in Islamic cultures. Just the other day I was watching a movie called Omar, about 3 Palestinian young men living in the occupied territory. It was in arabic with English subtitles. There was a scene where one of them was complaining about his life, and complaining how he had 7 unmarried sisters to get settled -- but they were all ugly. And the group of friends all started laughing hysterically when they heard the last part. It was a serious movie but the scenes that showed the 7 young women, sitting at home, bored, slightly overweight and a bit plain, were intended to be the comic relief of the film. Its just something that's very pervasive in eastern cultures and that's why we women speak out about it. I would not say that Muslim men face the same scrutiny.

      • first of all this has nothing to do with Islam so don't say "Islamic cultures" this has to do more with peoples own cultures rather then religion , islam is against shunning someone because of how they look or their body parts. Also it doesn't matter if its a man complaining or a women the fact is that its wrong , and if man receive criticism for this then so should women because whats wrong is wrong. Furthermore just because this is the 1st time a women is complaining which im sure its not does that make it right? No it does not

        Also note that in other posts a lot of the man say that there wifes are caring and good to them , which then the respondents reply harshly and say its not her fault because of how she looks and that you should be thankful you have such a caring wife and all that stuff. Here the exact opposite scenario takes place the wife states her husband is caring and all but has a small size , so where are the harsh comments now?

        (My comment is not aimed at the OP but rather at the hypocrites)

        • Well, yes, you are correct that such criticisms are wrong, but the purpose of my comment was not to challenge that nor engage in a debate about -- rather, my purpose was to offer an explanation as to why women are defensive when they hear negative comments about their looks. I'm not a man so I was offering a woman's perspective.

        • Woman shape shows more than men. By her size you can tell if she have big/breast or bottom and it is openly discussed in public but how many men are showing their private parts or have photo of them everywhere you look. Advertisement are 90% of women and majority of the time they are focusing on their looks. But with men it’s their success. To know what a man have under his belt on comes behind closed doors

    • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

      Sorry, but yes, if a sister complains it's cool...
      because she's our dear and beloved sister in Islam, the one whom we should protect, look-out for, and care about.

      If it was reversed, then the man should act like a man and take it on the chin.

      And may the Peace and Mercy of Allah be upon you all.
      fi-amanAllah.

      • Exactly the kind of person my last comment was aimed at.

        So the brothers who complain aren't your brothers in islam?

        If your future wife complained about you and said your size isn't big enough would you take it to the chin?

        Its actually not cool , either the complaint be from a man or women because no one was given a catalogue to choose out their body parts from while being born.

        • "would you take it to the chin?"

          Yes, absolutely.

          And as long as my wife discussed it with Muslims in a private/anonymous forum (so as to avoid slander/back-biting), then alhamdulillah no problem. However, it would make me question myself as to why my own wife couldn't come to me - i.e. I'd have to reflect on my other shortcoming if I wasn't a good listener / uncaring.

          "So the brothers who complain aren't your brothers in islam?"

          This will sound more chauvinistic than my last comment, but our brothers should be wiser, more level headed and keep their emotions in check.

          But of course, we should advise both genders peacefully.

          fi-amanAllah,
          was-salaamu 3alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

          • "But of course, we should advise both genders peacefully"

            Yes and telling someone to take it to the chin isn't advising them equally nor peacefully or respectfully, and taking things to the chin can lead to other problems

  6. Salaamu Alaykom everyone first of all i would like to tell that I am not a Scholar and I am a normal muslim (trying to be good) and I don't think you can get ultimate solution of your problem here but I think you should involve your family into this .Don't seek divorce otherwise you will regret later on because it should be the last solution and so far I know in Hindian culture majority of the muslim men don't marry to a divorced women.

    You should talk to your husband about your rights and needs its always helpful to communicate for married people but you have to be polite and patient .

    You mentioned about his size ,I am sure you don't have problem with size you are just assuming that size matters because he doesn't last long and it keeps you frustrated.

    There's nothing wrong if a woman or man complains about her sexual life I myself have read in Bokhari that one sahaabia complained to Rasool Allah S.A.W about her husband's private part she was not satisfied ,... (rest of the part you guys can check yourself in Bokhari because my English is so bad I can't translate properly)

    I feel sorry for the men who have complained about her wife breast .
    It can happen to anyone I think most of the people here are immature and young I don't answer here but i keep reading .Once I post something like this everybody was cursing me lol

    You should talk to your husband about your rights and everything and When he admits that his family is wrong than I believe he should stands for his self but in a respectful way .Many of the parents exploit in the name of religion specially in Hind may be because of the cultural influences and the people over there don't know about their rights and responsibilities according to religion(This is what I heard and observed myself).

    I know the reason why don't you feel attracted to him when he is so perfect but I would say you have to give him time and you should communicate and help him to fix all financially and physical issues.
    I hope everything will be fine with you ensha Allah I would say you can go to your parents home for few weeks it will help you get to know about your own emotions and feelings.

    I am sorry If someone find my post harsh.

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    Before taking any steps towards divorce, I think it's worth giving your relationship more of a chance. From what you've written, your husband is pious and of good character - and if he's the only person in the world that you worry about, then I suspect you do care for him, maybe more than you realise.

    There do seem to be some issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, though, and it's understandable that if these have been dragging on for some time, they'll have a negative impact on how you feel towards each other. But they sound like issues which could be resolved by the two of you, inshaAllah.

    If you feel that your in-laws are treating you unfairly, then you do have the right to stand up for yourself. It seems a bit excessive for your husband to be supporting everybody, after all. Maybe start by setting some boundaries - such as private time for the two of you, a private space where the two of you can relax together, setting aside some money that you can both save up? If your in-laws query this, you could always explain that the two of you are wanting to plan ahead for the future and inshaAllah for children, so you need to start saving money now. Even if they aren't thrilled, stick to your boundaries and inshaAllah they'll come to accept them in time - make sure your husband is in agreement though.

    If sex isn't satisfying for you, then take some of the initiative and do something to address the issues. The key to satisfying physical relations is good communication - talk to your husband about what you want. He can't read your mind - if you don't tell him, he won't know. Do try to be tactful though. Telling him "you're doing it wrong" isn't going to help. But, saying "I really like it when we do this..." or "why don't we try..." or "would you like...?", can be positive and encouraging. You mentioned that you have asked your husband to do something about it, but there's a limit to what he can do if he's not getting any positive feedback or suggestions about what he might do instead of whatever he's doing wrong.

    There are also many other aspects to a relationship, other than just sex. Think about the time that you spend together - do you share activities, talk, have physical contact outside of sex? These are all things that can help you connect, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • MashAllah, a very beautiful, wise, and succinct reply!

      May the Peace and Mercy of Allah be upon you all.

      • Complete agree. This was the most sensible response that actually answered the question without ridicule or bringing up non-issues.

        May Allah bless you Sr. Midnightmoon.

  8. Sister Muslima89 ,

    The marriage even if you get married to other person in future will not be straightforward .There are always flaws in every case .
    At least in your case your husband is of good nature and doesn't abuse you or torture you .I feel you need to work on your marriage .

    Problem with size is you will never know till the time you get married and have sex with him .What if you get married to new person and you find that he has the same problem ? Are you going to ask him what is the size before marriage ??

    Say ,even if you get a man with bigger size with great sex but if he is not satisfied with your breast size ? what you will do then ?

    Say again , If you find a bigger size man to satisfy you sexually but if he doesn't take care of you and involved in affairs here and there then are you going to be happy ??

    What we have seen here is most of sisters are struggling to find good character husbands and you seems to be some exception who is looking for a bigger size man rather than solving your problems in marriage .It is nothing but escaping from challenges without an effort to solve it .

    I think you need to talk to your husband .If home environment suffocates you then go to your parents home ,stay for some weeks ,come back again . Talk to husband about sexual issues .Try to share some materials with talks about role of foreplay which is so important for a woman to orgasm .If you see reading materials even a lesser size can satisfy a woman if foreplay duration is long .

    My suggestion is to work on this marriage and don't try to escape .

  9. Dear Sister

    There is only one solution here.

    Arrange a meeting with sex therapist or psychologist. They can help you turn your marriage life into a successful and satisfying one.

    • An important thing missing in your married life are children. They strengthen the bond of marriage. Will keep you happy and busy leaving no space for weird thoughts that occupy your mind. Ever thought why did you marry if you had no plan for children.
      Although sex life is an important ingredient of a couple but no body in this world is perfect. Some will have more sexual power and less attractive personality or harsh behaviour. We cannot live on our spouse's shortcomings. Look at the bright side of his personality and live on it.
      I myself have the same problem as your husband, yet my marriage is successful and I am able to discuss it with my wife. You can also discuss it with him, It can be improved.

      • Dear Maslam

        Sex life is very much important in this case. There are two types of love. Love due to attachment and love due to sex drive. Our sister here is more interested in sex love than attachment love and care.

        I understand that this person low sexual drive can be due to reasons like

        1. Stress due to

        (i) Work Pressure

        (ii) Fear of failing to satisfy her wife requirement.

        2. Lack of diet.

        3. Lack of physical exercise.

        A sex therapist will immediately identify the relevant problem and will help the male person to correct it and of course with the support of his wife.

  10. its easy to get married but really hard to make it work its shaitaan who helps you
    make wrong decisions divorce is very bad in ISLAM.
    dont let shaitaan win work on your marriage Insha Allah things will get better.

  11. Hi All,

    First of all thank you so much for all your kind replies and a big apology to those who accused me of being wrong about talking about my husband's size. I didn't mean to offend anyone, but the reason I'm here writing a post as an anonymous person is only because I do not want to disclose my or my husbands identities.

    I have tried talking to him several times about what I like and what I don't during intimacy. It still doesn't work out. I did do my research before I wrote this post. I feel terrible inside complaining about this but then it effects my personality and keeps me depressed and im not happy from the inside. He tells me that im too hot for him and too pretty and that he's still not used to my body and is still very sensitive with sex.

    Also I've tried speaking to him a million times about moving out because I know that would help coz then atleast I get to breath some fresh air. But he has refused me a million times due to the history. The history is that my husband are a total of 4 siblings with him being the youngest. He has two elder brothers and one sister who all are married. The 2nd elder brother and his wife had issues with my mother in law and moved out of the house one night which drove my mother in law crazy and she started breaking things, used to cry all the time, curse them , hate them, basically all the drama. Now my husband says that his mum wont be able to take her 2nd son moving out. My mother in law hasn't spoken to the elder brother who moved out for 2 years where as he shifted in the same building two floors above. These brothers believe that as a son their parents are their responsibilities etc which I completely agree to. I never ever asked him to stop looking after his parents emotionally or financially, all I asked was for was my privacy. but even after discussing it a million times his answer was the same. He said " Even if my parents are wrong, I never want to hurt them, and moving out would hurt them". When I give Islam's reference to him by saying that if a wife demands a separate house then its obligatory for a husband to get her a separate house if he can afford it to which his reply is "why does Islam come only in this matter", then you should start wearing an abaya etc.

    Now the thing is keeping this in law thing aside, I have tried doing so many things to work it out. Took him to hotel night stays on weekend, cooked his fav food, took him for long drives. We've travelled to turkey, London, Malaysia and Singapore together, but always ended up in an argument or things we don't agree with. It just doesn't give me the spark and day by day it kills me. I keep telling myself and Praying to Allah to give me patience and make this successful. I've been trying really hard for almost 3 years to develop feelings for him, but always failed. I feel like ive made his life hell too. He can deserve someone who loves him.

    Last week we had an argument and he told me to leave the house in front of his mom and elder brother and I did. Later to which my family got involved. My parents and my brothers called him over and suggested him to move out which he dint agree to. I explained to my family later that I don't have any feelings for him and they asked me to make it work no matter what.

    I definitely do care about him and don't have the guts to stand infront of him and my family and tell them that I wanna be free from this relationship which means that ive decided to compromise the rest of my life and happiness for my parents respect and his happiness.

    Its not like I never tried. I tried more than I could, prayed did everything I cud. also the reason we didn't plan kids was because we both wanted some time before taking the responsibility.

    I don't know whats right and whats wrong, but sexual life is very important and I didn't know it until I got married. Its not in my control, my body feels really frustrated. How is it my fault if Allah has made me a women and made my body feel this way. Once again I have tried speaking to him and tried different ways and things to make it work but all in vain.

    I'm sorry if ive offended someone, but Islam does not prevent a women or a man to discuss or take advise about such issues. We're all humans and everyone has needs.

    Thank u,
    Muniba.

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