Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to change him into a good muslim but I am not able to. Help me

Out of ideas

I am in a relationship with this one man for almost a year. I know we have a future and we can get married and I really look forward to it. I want a future with him.

I need help and advice because I am not able to do anything. Allhumdualliah my family and his family is religious and practice Muslim so do I. But the guy I am in a relationship with is into addiction, drugs, gambling, drinking, sex etc. One day he was drunk very drunk and taken cocaine and I was with him and two more friends. He had just lost in gambling and came and was telling about how he lost and suddenly he started telling that he is really bad and I should leave him because he thinks he will ruin my life he started saying Allah is everything and told me and his friends go to Allah go back home don't be with me forget me delete my number and everything. He was talking about Islam so much while he was so drunk and said if he changes even one person who he has spoilt into a good muslim that will be his biggest achievement but he cannot change himself and this strong man had tears in his eyes. I had never seen them before. I sent all his friends out and I tried talking to him I started crying because he said he will die in 5-10 years & he's just here to guide me n that someone else will keep me happier. These were his words "I have lost my path completely I don't want you to lose your path I want you to be you & never be like me" I said I will change him he said no one can ever change him. 100 people like me came and went but no one could change him. I said if no one could I will he said the day you change me I will know you're the one and I will be the happiest person on Earth. And we closed to the topic.

He's into all this from the age of 13 and he's 20 now. I realized that this man really wants to change but can't he won't listen to me. He's that addicted. He can't go a day without drugs weed and everything.

Before me he was in a relationship for 6 years with a girl they used to do everything together, one day he cheated on her with me which I didn't know. I thought he was only in relationship with me but she caught him,left him and got married to someone else and he's broken. And be was sharing it with me and I was just understanding him. And being there for him because I was happy he opened up to me it took me 10 months for him to open up to me or trust me. While all this was going on he said "even you will go marry someone else" he is very broken inside and I won't leave him I cannot. I got into this relationship thinking we would have a future and we can. But I just need to change him into a better Muslim. How do I?

Moreover,we are in a long distance relationship we meet once a month that's it. I can't see anyone else as my husband as I have given my all to him I have lost my virginity with him I have been there for him & we have been through a lot together. How can I change into a better Muslim. He seriously won't listen to me. I don't do anything I have tried stopping him from all this a million times but nothing's happening. I have even told my parents that I want a future with him and everything can be perfect inshallah only if he changes. He doesn't love me as much as I love him he still misses his ex infact they still talk even though she's married to someone else.

Please do give me advice to what can I do.

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10 Responses »

  1. Get a grip of yourself sis and slow down.
    Don't waste your life.
    Pray to Allah for guidance for yourself and for him.

  2. Assalaamualykum Sister Masoona,

    I'm sorry to hear of the struggle you are having currently.

    It is not your job and should not be your project to "change" this man. He needs to be in active drug rehabilitation for you to even consider that he might change and give him a chance. As he is not, you should definitely separate from him...don't see him even once a month as you are doing.

    Think of it this way...if he is to even consider changing, he will not do it unless his world comes to an end. Perhaps your leaving him would do that, and might prompt him to get rehabilitation. Then again, it might not, but your staying with him and continuing to see him definitely will not.

    For the good of both of you, you should stop seeing each other and contacting each other. If he changes, great. If not, you have not invested more of yourself in him than necessary.

    May Allah give you comfort during this time,

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. I know we have a future
    No, you want to FORCE a future with him. In reality, you can't have a future with a person that has several addictions. I mean, dealing with a person who has even ONE addiction is impossible enough, but this man suffers from every addiction under the sun, it seems. You can't help him and you certainly can't change him. People only change when they, themselves, decide enough is enough. Not when you decide it.

    Cut your ties with this man and let him sort himself out.

  4. You guys are doing haram..

    What makes u think u are making him a better muslim. U yourself need to leave haram first

  5. Dear Masooma,

    Assalam alekum so sorry that you have got yourself involved with this guy and you think you can change him.."ideally love can change people"it's just a notion not a reality just a wishful thinking. dear we don't live in an ideal world.
    It's like living in fools paradise. While you wishes might be noble. You can't change an addict unless he himself want to change and take action himself.
    I strongly suggest you just leave him you have no future with him. Let him sort his life.Repent and move on. Let Allah guide him.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

  6. Asalaamu Alaykum,

    First of all, what you're doing with this man is extremely haram. Having pre-marital intercourse with someone who isn't your husband is a big sin. Sister, I recommend you repent sincerely to Allah before it's too late.

    Second of all, how can you change a man addicted to drugs and alcohol, and consider him a likely prospect for marriage?! I HIGHLY suggest you distance yourself from this man. He's cheated on a stranger with you, what makes you believe he won't repeat the action on you when he gets a chance? If you truly want the best for him, direct him to a Brother who will help him visit a rehabilitation center, then cut off all contact with him.Whether he lives or dies, that's all up to Allah's qadr, not you. I'm afraid if you spend too much time with him, shaytan will slowly convince you to join him in his filthy activities. It looks like he's already done some of his part as you've committed zina with him already.

    Again, direct him to a trusted Muslim brother, and leave this man immediately.

    May Allah guide you and him, ameen.

    • "THIS STRONG MAN HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES"

      This girl looks like someone enchanted my romantic movies and novels. Im sorry
      But this is not how strong men are in islam

      Getting into drugs alcohol and sex shows how weak this boy is
      If he was man enough, he would be asking for marriage before taking girls to bed. Not playing around with girls

  7. Dear sister
    You seem so much away from reality , hollywood/bollywood movies show how love alone changes addicts and womenizers into the best of men/creatures and that is absolutely wrong . What changes someone for better is Taqwa-fear of Allah(swt). Only Allah can guide a person to the right path and we human are just a source .
    But you thinking yourself as his support by indulging in haram with him is not appreciable . What you are following is a remedy given by movies/novels that says to stick by the person , bear everythig , indulge in haram and then expect the most beautiful results .Life doesnt work this way .
    My dear sister , repent repent and repent from Allah , promise yourself to never ever return to the sin of zina no matter what life brings on .
    The guys sleeps around , takes drugs that means he is unable to control his desires , this is not a defination of man ,let alone strong man . A strong person is the one who fights his desires not fulfils them .
    If that guy is really serious about you he would put in every effort to change himself and ask Allah for help , telling you to back off speaks volumes of what you mean to him ,Not that he cant do anything about his habits, may be he doesnt consider you important enough for putting the right efforts.
    talk to your parents spill the details about addiction , and give that guy an ultimatum for marriage , and repent for your sins , do not talk haram to him and ask Allah to bless you in both the worlds.Also put half as much effort you are putting in this relation , in sincerely learning your deen
    that would really help .

  8. I'm sorry if you don't want islamic guidance but sadly i'll have to remind you what Allah says (Im not judging you, im reminding you)

    "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa 17:32)

    "And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from Zina illegal sexual acts, etc.) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent. And to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, necks and bosoms, etc.) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husband's sons, their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sister's sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islam), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment (like dancing and seducing non mehram). And all of you beg Allah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful." (Sura # 24, Ayat #30 and 31)

    Im quite sad to say that you can't change a sinner like that if you yourself sin. Change yourself before you try to change him. Stop committing zina, It is haram. It's a major sin. Improve your relationship with Allah. Learn about the deen and beg Allah to forgive you. Look for a man that can bring you a bright future, not an addict like him. This isn't a fantasy sister, you're not living a novel, you are dealing with a guy with his own mind. And he's not just any guy he's an addict with countless sins.

    May Allah protect you, guide you and forgive you, Ameen. Thumma ameen.

  9. Salaam sister
    From what you have written I can tell you are a very sensitive and guilable person who out of love will sacrifice her own happiness for others. However, what you have said about him still being in love with his ex shows the guy isn't in love with you at all. He doesn't respect you or value you. He's using you like the other girls he has had relationships with.
    His personality isn't the same as yours and you have taken some aspects and fantasized it into something you desire. Unfortunately, you are living in a delusional world and no, love doesn't change anything/or anyone that is in Allah's Hands.
    If you can just imagine a scenario of being married to him and he's still in the same situation what would you do? If he's drunk and on drugs what kind of a partner will he be? How will he be as a father?
    As someone who has seen a bit of life and the bitter reality it comes with I would strongly advice you to cut ties with him and pray to Allah to send someone who is right for you in this world and next. Don't let th guilt of losing your virginity make you stick with him. We all make mistakes and sin but seek Allah's forgiveness and make intention to start a fresh life and see how your life will flourish InshaAllah
    Sister there's a part of you that's admitting that he's not ideal but you are letting your fantasy get the better of you. You have come here to ask for advice on how you can help him. Well you are the one who needs to help your self first and leave the rest to Allah.

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