Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to forget him

Girl with hidden face, teenage girl

Asalamualaikum

I was in relationship since 5 years. He proposed me that he will marry me and we were both love each other, very close to each other, we both met each other's family. Our parents also know about our relationship but problems occurred when his cousin who lives in usa came in karachi and they both met each other. So the boy to whom I love blindly got mad on her coz he liked her since his childhood. But in college we met each other and he fell in love on me and he said I will marry you, and will never leave you. He also has told me about that girl but he used to say that she is only his crush and he forgot her. But after a long time when she met him, he started relationship with her and now they are going to do a marry soon as he said... But still that boy saying me that it was not in his control and he was on fault, he wants to come back to me, and don't want to marry her but said that coz of family issue and that girl attachment! He will hurt again if he will leave her so he doesn't want to  hurt anyone again.... he said that after our breakup he still thinking about me and still loves me as he loved before and feeling regrets... So now what should I do? I can't overcome from all these situations. I want to forget him. It seems like he is double crossing. Please do answer  my question...

frozen


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23 Responses »

  1. Asalaam Walaikum Sister.

    (Just for argument sake we will keep whats halal and haraam out of it mainly as I'm sure you know already what you've done wrong. May Allah forgive you ... Ameen.)

    You ask how do you forget him ... Honestly my sister its very simple. Look at his qualities or lack of, and this will tell you why he isnt an ideal choice of a Husband and you will easily move on.

    1. He said he would marry and currently he isnt so all that effort has been pointless ... so he isnt true to his word.

    2. He left you as soon as he lusted for his cousin - what makes you think he wouldnt do that to you with someone else if yous married. Well tbf I guess he has done exactly that!

    3. He is cheating on his fiance by saying he still loves you and being in contact with you.

    4. He is a coward for not standing up to "Family Issues" or whatever rubbish he is splurting. Which means he wouldnt stand up for you if you married him.

    Why on earth my sister would you want to marry him, he has shown you his true colours. Look at that as a blessing Masha'Allah, Allah is protecting you. Many women (read some of the stories on here) only find out these kind of characteristics AFTER marriage.

    You my sister are a Queen so please dont accept to be treated any less.

    May Allah Bless you with a beautiful pious husband and marriage ... Ameen!

    (And may Allah forgive me for anything wrong or insulting I have said)

    • Asalam o alaikum. I have to salute you! Honestly! Those words are the best and are so so true! Thank you very much. May Allah bless you and our sister with peace and happiness. Ameen

    • Whats up with western glamorized fairy tale analogy of trying to make every girl or women feel like a princess or queen. Where in islam is there a basis for this? Does this mean man are kings or princes?

      To many people have this perception that they are kings and queens and once reality treats them otherwise they complain and sob.

      Everyone cant be a darn king or queen, this isnt hollywood or some cinderalla nonsense.

      Your not queens or kings , your slaves of Allah which is better then being some disney characters

      • Asalaam Walaikum.

        Rathar than making stupid remarks maybe you should try and understand the comment. No one is saying do all this princessy malarky like the west does.

        Look how the prophet Muhammed (PBUH) treat his wives ... He treat them as they were Queens of the house, with respect, dignity and honour. The status of Muslim women is extremly high in our Muslim society so please dont make it out as all this is rubbish ... its only rubbish because men are no longer men and they dont know how to treat their wives.

        If you treat your wife as a Queen she will naturally treat you as a Prince. If you treat her like a waitress then she will treat you like a customer.

        May Allah guide us All ... Ameen.

        • Rather then trying to justify your stupid idiotic analogy you should try to understand my comment.

          1. Queens sit around on and tell their servants what to do. Regular woman are no queens.

          2.The prophet treated them with respect and dignity , im not arguing that they shouldn't be, but if he were to treat them as queens he would be acting as a servant to them and fulfill their every command but that's not what happened nor did those woman want that. Their is a difference between a woman and a queen.

          3.So its rubbish because man aren't man? ok but woman are still so woman right? But majority of the posts here are from woman who are going through a heartbreak just because they couldn't stay away from not speaking with non mehram. But that's ok I would expect a rubbish response like that from a typical feminist like you.

          "If you treat your wife as a Queen she will naturally treat you as a Prince. If you treat her like a waitress then she will treat you like a customer"

          You can treat your wife as a queen if you want , you can be her servant if you want, but that's your choice. If she gives you respect you should respect her. Never did I mention wifes aren't suppose to be treated with respect.

          But that's not the issue here, the original question was where is there a basis for this queen status in Islam? Which you failed to response to and got all hot headed just because you got called out and couldn't reply with a verse or hadith.

          Now since you like to bring up irrelevant points how about I bring one up to. Search up a hadith and the prophet mentioned that most of the dwellers in hell would be woman. Surely there is wisdom in that , if you give it some thought.

          • I apologise if I offended you. Lets just leave it here.

            Asalaam Walaikum.

          • I'm a Brother so not a feminist type person like you imagined

            I apologise if I offended you. Lets just leave it here.

            Asalaam Walaikum.

          • So your a brother, that makes it even more interesting, but I see you don't want to reciprocate so I will respect your decision and leave it here

            AOA

          • Considering that women outnumber men, there would be more women in hell than men...but for a moment, do you really think there will be less women in heaven than men? Do you think that men will outnumber women in heaven?

          • @saba

            Its because woman outnumber man? that's why? hmm the hadiths I read seem to state otherwise:

            It was narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) that women will form the majority of the people of Hell. It was narrated from ‘Imran ibn Husayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “I looked into Paradise and I saw that the majority of its people were the poor. And I looked into Hell and I saw that the majority of its people are women.”

            (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 3241; Muslim, 2737)

            With regard to the reason for this, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was asked about it and he explained the reason.

            It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “I was shown Hell and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women.” They said, “Why, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Because of their ingratitude (kufr).” It was said, “Are they ungrateful to Allah?” He said, “They are ungrateful to their companions (husbands) and ungrateful for good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime then she sees one (undesirable) thing in you, she will say, ‘I have never had anything good from you.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 1052)

            It was narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him) said:

            “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) went out to the musalla (prayer place) on the day of Eid al-Adha or Eid al-Fitr. He passed by the women and said, ‘O women! Give charity, for I have seen that you form the majority of the people of Hell.’ They asked, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allah?’ He replied, ‘You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religious commitment than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.’ The women asked, ‘O Messenger of Allah, what is deficient in our intelligence and religious commitment?’ He said, ‘Is not the testimony of two women equal to the testimony of one man?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Is it not true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?’ The women said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her religious commitment.’”

            (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 304)

            It was narrated that Jabir ibn ‘Abd-Allah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “I attended Eid prayers with the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). He started with the prayer before the khutbah (sermon), with no adhan (call to prayer) or iqamah (final call to prayer). Then he stood up, leaning on Bilal (may Allah be pleased with him), speaking of fear of Allah (taqwa) and urging us to obey Him. He preached to the people and reminded them. Then he went over to the women and preached to them and reminded them. Then he said, ‘Give in charity, for you are the majority of the fuel of Hell. A woman with dark cheeks stood up in the midst of the women and said, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allah?’ He said, ‘Because you complain too much and are ungrateful to your husbands.’ Then they started to give their jewellery in charity, throwing their earrings and rings into Bilal’s cloak

            I cant answer your question because I don't have a hadith or quranic verse to back it up. But if you do then let me know. (try not to start a pointless debate, because it clearly says when the prophet was asked as to why he gave that statement)

          • Unfortunately for me and fortunately for you, I lack time these days, but I will refer to this site http://www.peopleofsunnah.com/hadith/sharh-commentary/99.html for now and quote some parts of it below and perhaps return to this comment later. Whatever you have quoted, you have done so without the background. If it makes you feel better to consider women deficient in intelligence and more likely to go to hell based on your reading of the hadith, I assure you dear Brother, that this is a limited understanding. More women in hell does not mean less women in heaven. In fact, many a times people like to state how there are men will have multiple wives in Jannah and that would not be possible if men outnumbered women in Jannah. Furthermore, it our understanding of Allah swt's Mercy that even those Muslims who enter Hell (May Allah swt save us from it) that they will eventually go to Heaven--so even those majority of Muslim women would end up eventually, along with the Muslim men in Heaven.

            Please do read the site and for now, I leave you and other readers with the following to ponder and reflect upon:

            "It should be understood that this issue is not as plain as reading one Hadith and thinking that one has reached an understanding of that topic. It is often seen in Muslims, especially in this day and age of the internet where they have access to a whole lot of information without proper knowledge, that they read something from here and something from there and think they have learnt the topic. We have seen how there are a number of Ahadith on this topic and some seem contradictory. In order to reconcile these Ahadith, the great scholars of Islam have offered a number of explanations for these Ahadith so that one can understand the true picture.

            For a moment we will say that Ahadith teach that the majority of the dwellers of Hell will be women. Even if this is true, there should be no contention in this matter. One of the two had to be more in Hell, either the men or the women. It is just as such that women are the majority. If men had been the majority then people would have questioned ‘why are men the majority?’ It is thus not any ‘flaw’ of Islam that women will form the majority but rather the flaw of the way man thinks about what is stated.

            Secondly to think that this is something which gives men superiority over the women is rather ridiculous. A man who may boast his superiority and lack behind in following the deen and be sinful will end up in Hell along with everyone else. One has to worry about themselves rather than worrying about others. Will this man then point finger at his mother, sister, wife and daughter and be happy that they have a “better chance” of being in Hell? Every man and woman has been given the opportunity to save themselves from being the dwellers of Hell and they should grasp this opportunity instead of worrying how many percentage of women and how many of men will end up in Hell. How about worrying about how much we have done to ensure our entrance into Jannah."

            &

            "The statement in the Hadith regarding the deficiencies are general and do not incorporate everyone. It is nothing but a fact that a menstruating woman cannot offer Salah. So if a man and woman live for the same amount of time in the world, the total number of Salah offered by the man will be more because every month there will be a few days during which the woman will not be able to pray. But this is a general rule because there are many men who neither offer Salah nor fast. So obviously compared to them the Salah of a woman who is consistent will be more. Being deficient is not necessarily something bad and only that deficiency is bad for which one receives a sin e.g. if one leaves Salah on purpose. Further, even in this ‘deficiency’ there may be reward for her."

            There is much more on this topic that I would like to share, however, that is all I have time for now. May Allah swt ease our difficulties and increase us in our Emaan and help us to be more forgiving to one another, Ameen, Thummah Ameen.

    • Wa'alaikum Assalam

      May Allah help you forget about him and move on, if that is what you wish.

      Also pre-marriage relationships are haram and forbidden by Allah so make sure not to make that mistake again insha Allah. The only way is to marry someone. If you chose not to marry him, then it's your choice. Islam merely permits that a man can marry up to four people, if he can treat them with equal kindness and love and mercy. My advice is to pray to Allah, and maybe fill the void of loneliness or depression with good things(if you have any), and marry someone else of your choice(preferably a man of good religious character and will treat you as a husband should treat his wife according to the Quran.(http://www.detailedquran.com/quran_data/The%20Husband%20wife%20relationship%20in%20Islam.htm The link will give info about the true husband and wife relationship in Islam.) I would understand where you are coming from because I understand the feeling, but my advice is, well I already said it.

  2. OP: But still that boy saying me that it was not in his control and he was on fault, he wants to come back to me, and don't want to marry her but said that coz of family issue and that girl attachment! He will hurt again if he will leave her so he doesn't want to hurt anyone again.... he said that after our breakup he still thinking about me and still loves me as he loved before and feeling regrets..

    I have a feeling he just wants to use you for sex. You should just break all contacts with him. He married his cousin so that he can go to USA.

    • Did they have sex? I re-read the post and I don't see anything to that effect.

      • Precious Star: Did they have sex? I re-read the post and I don't see anything to that effect.

        that is my opinion.....

        you have to read in between the lines.........
        A married man who has been in love with a girl for 5 years is telling her after their breakup he still thinks about her and still loves her as he loved before and feeling regrets......

        He still thinks about her and still loves her............indicates he wants to keep going for some reason.

        • Asalam o alaikum. I think that maybe he wants to suggest that he wants to marry her aswell and keep two wives. if so than our sister can consider that maybe. I dont know but thats allowed in islam...

  3. Dear Sister

    Let us assume that he is truly feeling guilty of cheating with you and seeking forgiveness. Then all you have to do is to forgive him for his betrayal that will clear his mind and you will be rewarded in hereafter. And also advise him to marry that girl instead and not to cheat anyone again.

    Forgiveness is the way of our Prophet(Peace be upon him).

    • Feelix: ...... truly feeling guilty of cheating with you and seeking forgiveness.

      OP says: he said that after our breakup he still thinking about me and still loves me as he loved before and feeling regrets...

      He still telling her he loves her and thinks about her. He is trying to keep her as a lover, me thinks.

  4. As Salam O Alaikum

    Sister if you really want to forget him then just do that .

    The way you have portrayed his CHARACTER is damn Horrible.

    He seems to be just one selfish person. And to hide that thing he is making you go on a ride with hell lots of excuses.

    May be his Cousin has dumped him and so he wants to come back to you again.

    Think and react.

    May ALLAH (SWT) Guide you to the right path. Ameen

  5. @Saba

    From the article:

    "In order to reconcile these Ahadith, the great scholars of Islam have offered a number of explanations for these Ahadith so that one can understand the true picture"

    Who are these great scholars?

    "“Rasulullah ﷺ said, “Amongst the inmates of Paradise the women would form a minority.” - (Muslim; Kitabul Riqaq, Chapter of Majority of People of Jannah are the Poor and Majority of the People of Hell are Women and Fitnah by Women)"

    "Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani رحمة اللہ علیه answers this objection and writes in Fathul Bari (Darul Ma’rifah, Beirut; vol.6 pg 325):

    و يحتمل أن يكون الراوي رواه بالمعنى الذي فهمه من أن كونهن اكثر ساكني النار يلزم منه أن يكن اقل ساكني الجنة

    “And it is possible that the narrator of this Hadith narrated it because he had understood (from another Hadith which stated that) as most of the people of Hell were women, thus they necessarily had to be least in Jannah”"

    It says its possible but it doesn't mean its certain , the only way to be certain would be to ask the prophet himself and that's not possible so all he said was that it can be "possible"

    I read everything on that link , it seems peculiar that people would go so far as to try and justify why the prophet said something as if he said it in some cryptic language or code or something , he clearly stated why. If you want to believe in that article you are free to and so is anyone else, Fortunately for you there will always be these articles to defend woman , and try to bend the meaning or downplay the meaning of quranic verses or hadiths. Moreover I really don't care about this topic as its a waste of time to me since i'am responsible for myself and my own deeds.

    • You wrote:

      "Now since you like to bring up irrelevant points how about I bring one up to. Search up a hadith and the prophet mentioned that most of the dwellers in hell would be woman. Surely there is wisdom in that , if you give it some thought."

      If you don't care about this topic, perhaps don't waste time bringing up irrelevant topics in the first place.

      Let's end this here.

      • The comment wasn't addressed to you in the first place, perhaps you should mind your own business next time and not try to be a world class scholar trying to explain things especially since all you did was link an article.

        End this here? ok I didn't start anything you're the one who started trying to justify meanings so now you want to call the shots and end it to.

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