Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to get married but I have no family to help me

Lonely woman walking alone on the beach

Assalamaualaikum,

The fact is I now feel the want and the need to be married.

Im finding it a struggle to talk to any potential partners as I feel afraid. Almost as though I'm hiding dirty secrets when I'm not. I am now a 35 years old woman and I fully understand the blessings that an Islamic way of life offers. I wasn't raised in a household where Islam was practiced, we were raised pakistani british.

The main reason why I'm afraid of meeting someone is due to the family I have. It's with regret that I admit none of us seem to get along and after a childhood filled with a variety of degrading types of abuse and neglect I came to accept that I have to live alone and away from my family members. Each time I have attempted to speak to my elder siblings I have been met with humiliation, violence and financial manipulation.

My parents are no longer with us and I'm afraid of admitting that I don't mix with my family, I'm afraid that I will be judged as someone I'm not. It's really not choice I've made it's just the way things have to be. Each time I have visited either of them I have been faced with negativity and resentments due to the way were raised.

I was abused by my brother for years and subsequently went into care. I had and eldest brother who took his own life and this is just the tip of an iceberg. Lots and lots of bad things happened in my childhood that I spent most of my 20s trying to make sense of and tried my best to love my elders even though they were always so angry, even lending my elder sister and her husband large sums of cash without any questions asked. They have never mentioned returning it. I am unemployed and live in rented accommodation.

I have no family support in any matters at all and I'm okay with that because I know it's best for us all not to see each other as we seem to serve as reminders of all the badness thats happend.

But I'm scared that if I meet someone how will he be able to understand that I'm not a part of the traditional Islamic cornerstone, a family. I realise I may be trying to cross bridges that I've yet to cross, but the future is looking bleak and intimidating.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about such subjects or to consult for advice in anything. I'm scared that I would be treated with suspicion and without any family support I feel vulnerable in meeting anyone.

I'd appreciate any advice or opinions.

Please pray for me and may God help us all...

Jazakallah kheir.

trying2liveandlearn

 

 

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalaam wa aleikum Sis,

    ummm yeah I have no clue how to exactly begin or neither do I know if this will have any benefit for you, Allahu Alim.

    But let me start by saying bismAllah, so far Allah has kept you strong and you went through a lot sub7anAllah. Sis people have gone through the same experiences as you, you are definitely not alone.

    Just look around on this website and you'll see how worse situations can get, but please never give up hope.

    This Dunya was made temporary and as Muslim we always need to keep out our hope for Jannah which is permanent.

    I don't know if this will help you in anyway but to share with you a little bit something personal of myself;

    - I am only 23 years old but mature for my age because i'm the eldest.
    - I have had similar experiences like you. I deal with them every single day and they still haunt me to this very day but I never give up because I know one day i'll surpass it with the will of Allah. I am the only practising muslim in my family too. My family used to be anti-don't be radical muslim but with persistance I was able to convince them by never giving up my salaah and sunnah.
    - Even though I am only 23 years old I would never mind marrying a much older woman than myself and following the sunnah of Rasullullah Sallahu Alaihi Wassalam. If I can be like this there are a million muslim men many times much better than me and also around were you live, Ask Allah to guide you to them.

    You should never feel alone you have your muslim brothers and sisters available and you have Allah available 24/7.

    You should never let anyone judge you for who you are only Allah is allowed to do so, You are perfect as you are. Just fix your relationship with Allah. Make sure your namaaz is on point, make sure you are doing your utmost best to follow the sunnah as perfect as possible. Never give up on making DUA and be strong.

    Only Allah his opinion about you counts and nobody else's.

    Be happy and content with yourself and try to be the partner that you would look for or want to have.

    About the support issue, try to even if its a little bit to study or work up a degree. (it's never too late).
    Try to gain some stability and put your hope in Allah.

    Make sure you create the best environment for yourself before you head off into marriage otherwise you'll just be shifting your problems from 1 place to another.

    Be strong, Face your issues, confront them and conquer them.

    Allah would not have given you these tests if you couldn't handle them and I know you can!!!

    I will also be making dua for you as any other brother/sister so believe in yourself and go for it!

    I hope this has been of some help, you're not alone and you can make it.

  2. TRY TO BECOME MORE AND MORE CLOSER TO GOD, WHO NEVER LEAVES HIS CREATION ALONE, BE SURE OF THAT. OF WHAT I AM SAYING. ALLAH IS VERY KAREEM.

  3. Salaam Sis, My heart bleeds for you. Living like that and being forced to excommunicate yourself from your family is sad. I am a convert and understand separation from family and living in a pakistani community and also know how its become a minefield (people and families lacking honestly and values that were at least held onto by the elder generations) May Allah aid us all and give us the ability to hold onto our sanity and give us companions and social environments that allow us to grow spiritually and in a way that grounds us emotionally. I could steer you to towards some nice circles and some good organisations that are healthy and safe. I pray you find inner strength and the ability to see that trials can be the most beneficial gift that we ever receive..(i honestly don't say that in a condescending way) Abdullah

  4. Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Sisters/brothers are correct. Make closer relation to Allah.

    This world have system in every case. From the solar system till rizq.
    If sun, planets, and stars have its own orbit - a path where it has to go - and will always be.

    Rizq has system asswell.

    Making good relation with human, animal, even the earth and angels -> the system is by having close relation to Allah SWT.
    The best way to do this:
    (try it - I've tried it and it works)

    Everyday - let's start with Dhuha, Tahajjud, Quran reading, Sadaqah.

    The system of having a good husband ->you will get the person the same as you are -> so, how good your dream husband is -> you need to be him first.

    If you are dreaming on a patient man, started with being patient.
    If you are dreaming on man with lots of knowledge over Islam and practicing them, started to learn lots over Islam and practicing them.
    If you are dreaming who you can rely on, be it.

    As written "...good woman for good man, and bad woman for bad man..." (Qs. Al-baqarah).
    It's not a bullshit. It's a system. I've seen it and experience it.

    The system of let the money come to you -> Sabr in your salat - as written in one of the ayat Tha ha (20): 132
    Sadaqah, dhuha, forgive,....

    And.. my dear sister, all had happened to you is your destiny, you can't do nothing about it. You only need to receive it, and be glad with it. Because if you feel sad - till depressed - it may show that you are not agree with what Allah has choose for you.

    Received what had happened - and focus on your duty as a child who have to be loyal to the elders - doesn't matter how worst are they (actually it's good to you - because the worst they are - the more reward you get from Allah - insya Allah),
    as a sister - be good to your siblings (the same system as to elders - the worst they are - the more reward you can get),
    and focus to be loved by Allah by become a practicing moslem...

    ***
    It's sound like I have a perfect live, in fact I have a bit the same experience with you - with the difference I am an orphan with no siblings.

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