Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry her but her Istikhara was negative, what can I do?

Man in prayer, man in salat, praying

Asalam O Alaikum,  I live in Riyadh. I would like to ask something about Istakhara. I have a cousin, she lives in Paris. We both like each other and would like to get married as well. Recently she did an Istakhara for herself that if I am good for her Deen and future. The answer came out Negative (having a dream). She says that she likes me a lot and would be very happy with me, but she has sacrificed alot of things in her life for the sake of ALLAH and Deen and she would probably do the same this time.

A. Does this Istakhara holds any positivity?

B. Is it right to do an Istakhara without letting your parents know?

C. If i do an istakhara for this matter and it comes out positive, does it make a difference?

D. Is it right that the outcome of an Istakhara keeps changing over time?

I need advice, what shall I do, because she has not spoken to her parents or anyone within her family about the Istakhara or that she likes me . She is getting marriage proposals quite often. I just want someone to reply back as soon as possible please, as I really think that she is the one who I want to get married to and I would like to approach her parents with a marriage proposal.

Allah Hafiz Thanks & regards,

-- Brother from Riyadh


Tagged as: , , ,

229 Responses »

  1. Asalam Alaikum,
    I'm 22 years old and I'm in a relationship with a guy from last 3 years. We are planning to get married soon. He wanted to get istikhara done by someone( alim or molvi) so he did. The alim told him that he saw blackout and also heard crying noises and stuff. I told him to ignore what he said since nobody else can do istikhara except me or him. I wanted to ask if we should get married or listen to what alim has told him. JazakAllah.

    • The molvi's so-called "istikhara" is nonsense. That is not how istikhara works. Pray it yourself, and follow your guidance. And be aware that to be in a relationship of this kind is haram in the first place. We Muslims do not get into boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Either marry the man, or break it off.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.kcom Editor

      • The guy believed what molvi has told him and said that he can't be with me because our future won't go smoothly. I talked to his parents and asked his mom to do istikhara for us. I'm so nervous to hear the same negative all over again. We love each other, and I've met his family and also all the relatives. His family approved me. I wanna know if there's any dua to get positive signs in istikhara?

        • You should stop asking other people to pray Istikhara for you, and you should pray it yourself, and he should as well.

          There is no dua' to get a positive Istikhara. Istikhara itself is the dua. The problem is that you are trying to force an outcome. When you pray Istikhara sincerely, you must be open to Allah's guidance. Istikhara does not necessarily result in any dream or sign. It is simply a prayer to Allah to guide you to what is best, and protect you from harm. You pray, then you do what you feel in your heart is best, trusting Allah to guide you.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I don't know why my comments are getting deleted. But I seriously want to know what I should do. The guy is believing what molvi has said, and i talked to his parents and asked his mother what to do. She said she will pray salatul istikhara for us. I'm so nervous to hear all the negative things all over again. Please let me know if there's any dua to get positive outcome?

        • I replied to your comment already. This is not even your post. It's an old post from 2009 with over 200 comments on it. Have you read the advice already given?

  2. Salaam. I received a marriage proposal from a family living in Africa, while i live in Asia. I talked to the boy for three weeks and we clicked. They are religous family as well as have good family background and hold a good reputation. Their side of Istikhara came out positive but mine came out negative. I did Quran istikhara twice and came out negative, consulted a Maulvi and the Maulvi said he will marry twice in his life and is very fickle minded. I am interested in him and he is interested in me. I want to go for it but I am afraid I might make a mistake. What should I do?

    • First, no one can tell the future. Anyone who claims to do so is a fraud and a sinner. Second, what do you mean that your Istikhara "came out negative?"

      In any case, there are over 200 responses on this post, so please read them and I'm sure you'll find the answer to your question.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • In my Quran istikhara result, i saw the word no more and the second time i did Quran istikhara I saw one word of mercy and to pray namaaz and then it also mentions how the kafirs will end up in hell. More mentions of punishment. So i believed that negative words mean negative answers. I am not sure anymore. So confused.

  3. Dear Brothers and Sisters,
    What if after you've done istikhara several times things do go smoothly, but eventually you start realising a lot of things about that person that you didn't before and your heart is also turned away. Should I then listen to my heart or could this be shaytaan and stick to the same person?

    • It's possible to change your mind after Istikhara. And it's possible to pray Istikhara after some time, and feel your guidance has changed. However I will also point out that everyone has character flaws. Everyone. It's natural that when you get to know someone you find things that you don't like. If you find out that he's a drug addict, womanizer, or abuser then that's one thing. Those are valid reasons to cancel an engagement. But if they are just little things then you can work on them in time.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Sabah, it's a misconception that istikhara will give you a clear "positive" or "negative" result. Instead you should simply pray Istikhara then make the best decision you can, trusting Allah to guide you.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Asalam brothers and sisters! I'm a girl from Pakistan! I'm 18, I have feelings for my cousin he is probably 4 years elder then me. His mother told me that he likes me for her son! After some days my cousin (his sister) came to my house and told me that I'm good for her brother and All! I became really happy and became more interested in him! My cousin is a really nice guy! He has a good job and belong form a really good family, so I have these strong feelings for him but he doesn't know about my feelings neither hes sister and mother! Some of my friends know about it! I really wanted to be with him and marry him cuz of course I am 18 and girls in Pakistan usually get engaged in this age! I prayed to Allah from the bottom of my heart for him ! so I perform istikhara to know that will I get him or not it was the first time I perform istikhara and I saw some (( black flowers)) in my dream and I suddenly woke up! I became really upset cuz I really wanted him! Now I don't know if it was my minds trick or it was real I'm really upset cuz I really want him! I don't know what to do! Can someone please help me please that would be really kind and reply me as soon as possible please

  6. Asalaamu Alaykum,

    I have a man who recently proposed to my family. When my parents agreed, he and I prayed istikhara to decide if this is truly the right decision. When he prayed, he received a negative feeling about moving forward, however, when I prayed, I had a positive feeling or no feelings at all. Both of my parents have prayed istikhara in regards to moving forward with the proposal and have received good feelings. What is the ruling for conflicting feelings, - does it mean some members of the party did not perform istikhara correctly?

    If the feelings are conflicted amongst all party -members, which one should we follow?

    Jazakallahu Khair

    • saba, you should follow what you think is best, and he should follow what he thinks is best. If that means you do not get married, then so be it. By the way, Istikhara is not about getting "feelings". One simply prays then makes the best decision she can, trusting that Allah will guide her to what is good.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Assalamualikimw.w.i have performed istikaara after a problem nearly 5 times i didnt see any dream but i felt postive and strong after praying it but the problem is remaining as it is but the problem didnot grow or reduce why ?

  8. Asalam Walikum

    Currently i have a relation, she is 27 years old and i am 18 years old. As we all know that, we are Muslims and we have a concept that Hazrat Muahmmad (SAWS) married, Hazrat Khadijah(RA) at the age of 25 years old when she was 40 years old. So we all know marrying someone older is not haram. She loves me very much and she knows i am the best for her. and i also love her too much. I told her to talk to your parents about me, but she said, she is scared that her wont accept someone younger. now recently she got a proposal from some family.,her dad accepted it without even letting her know. Like didnt said yes to it. but her dad did istikhara on some other people. She told me, her dad did istikhara on different people. And the answer was good, 3 times. here she says, she cant make her dad sad, and also says i really love u alot and i know ur the best for me. shes so worried, and always depressed. and i am too. We really want to get married. like we are one body and two souls. we really love each other. I am syed and she is also syed. Sunni syeds i mean.

    Can u tell me what should she do, should she follow what her dad wants. because Marriage is something which the individual should be also happy out of it. She told me she is not happy, shes only marrying for her parents happiness. isnt that wrong? Islam has given us full advice to take decision on marriages. Like marriage is a whole eternal life. One has to spend entire life together. She is not even little interested in that person. Her father is sick, he is 63 years old. shes worried that hed die if she didnt married that guy. but the thing is, she doesn't wanna marry that guy, she wants me and loves me too much. shes only doing this for her father's sake.

    Can anyone tell me, what should she do. We really wanna get married. please help

    • Syed, the woman is free to choose her marriage partner, but it sounds like she has made her choice and is going along with her father's decision. Whether or not her choice is sincere, in the end it's up to her and it seems she has made a choice. So I think you must accept that and end your contact with her.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Hello,
    There is a man i have been with since two years now. Wanting to get married, and his family approved of me. On my side, my mother has done istikhara and it came up negative. She has also asked mawla and the answer came wrong too.
    I have not told him yet. I want to do istikhara myself.
    In any case my feelings for him are really strong, is it wrong to go against my family and still marry him?
    Will i really not be happy?
    He really loves me and wants to marry me.
    I am not strong enough to let him go or to see him with someone else. What should i do?

    • Salam,

      Don't let your mom or the mawla marry him. Try the istikhara yourself.

      • Thank you I am doing istikhara at the moment but I can't figure out the signs or anything

        • If the marriage makes sense to you and others then marry. Does he have good character? Is he hard working? Does he keep his commitments? How does he handle anger? How does he resolve conflict? Is Islam important to him? Please check these things before committing.

  10. Is istekhara a sign or a decision from Allah ?

Leave a Response