Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry him but everything is against us

Broken heart made of tiles

Broken heart.

Assalam o Alaikum.

I am a 25 years old helpless girl. I was in a relationship for last 3 years. i know its a sin. i have wronged myself and i repent it day and night. May Allah forgive me.

Last year i asked him to send official proposal and he did it. His mother was very blunt and after she came to our house, the very next day she called my mother that your daughter is the only child and she is loved by you so how can she do household tasks and things like that. My parents didn't like them much as well because it was a big family with five daughters and the only son. and they are not compatible with us. His mother is very strict too. According to my parents i wont be able to adjust there. Then they both did istkhara separately. They saw no sign in dream. My father asked a scholar to do istkhara for us and it came out to be negative.

The guy was going abroad so i insisted my parents that i cannot live without him so they somehow got me engaged with him with heavy hearts but they were never satisfied with it. After that so many things happened from the guy's side which my parents didn't like and they made 2 more scholars to do istkhara for us. both these istkharas came out to be negative as well. Everything was going against this relationship.

The guy came back from abroad and is jobless now. this is another issue my father raises that how can we give our daughter to a jobless person. Then one day my father said that he can never go against istkhara and that he doesnt like the family for me and his heart give him alarms so he is going to say no to them. And then he called and excused that he cannot proceed this.

They became very furious and despite discussing the situation, her mother called my father and abused him badly. He listened to everything with patience but didnot say anything. He and my mother both were very offended and grievous because it was me who forced them to do engagement.

On the other hand, the guy is forcing me to take stand and to make my parents agreed. but after all this happenings, how can i do anything. The guy says that we all have ditched him and he will take revenge from us. he will never forgive me and my father.

I am in a whirlpool and so upset. I pray, i cry, i repent but there seems to be no way out. I know its all because of my sins. i have done every sin with that guy and i cry and cry and cry. I keep asking for forgiveness. and whenever i read Quran, I read ayats like "MAKE  A JUST DECISION". I don't know how can i do justice to the situation. Should i ignore istkhara? should i ignore my parents' will? should i ignore all the bad what his mother did? OR should i ignore my love for that guy?

We love each other and i have tried my best to make my parents understand this but they say that u cannot go against istkhara and all the odds which are visible. They say that his family will ruin me and i can never be happy there. Even my father said that if you want to marry that guy then consider me dead for yourself.

What should i do?? Please someone help me. My crying is not helping me. My parents are very disturbed too. I am afraid that if i go with that guy then i'll never be happy because of negative istkhara and my parents'will. and if i go with my parents and istkhara then i am afraid that he will ruin my reputation, he will harm my family. I hate his mother too because he abused my father. i will never be able to respect her. but out of all this, someone from my conscious asks that AM I DITCHING HIM? AM I DOING WRONG? HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF PURE FOR ANOTHER MAN?

i know that guy loves me a lot but everything else is against us. he says that if you were to make marriage decision upon istkhara and your parents will then what were you doing with me since last three years. and he is right because he is hurt.

Please help me. May Allah give jaza'e khair to u. please someone pull me out of this. If you were in my situation, what would u have done? Please dont judge me, i know im a great sinner. I'll keep asking for forgiveness throughout my life. But what decision should i make now??Is the 3 istkhara done are right?  Please help. I cannot eat, my heart sinks, i cry to Allah but Allah cannot come on earth to make me chose the path. i have to decide it myself. Please help me.Please help me make a JUST and FAIR decision. JazakAllah Khair.


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20 Responses »

  1. W salam sister..
    well I really don't know what to advise you.. I am 31 and have been waiting for my family's (mom's) approval for a while now. My situation is slightly different from you but I must say I have tried a lot too. I have been talking to him on phone for last 6 years.. and even that is haram, may Allah forgive me and guide me and all of us. I was searching for my problem and came here.
    Istikhara itself is very deep subject.. what I have learnt about it is that it's mainly the confession in one's heart that I know nothing, my knowledge is limited and only Allah SWT is all knowing all wise. And muslims should bear this in mind all the time making any decision little or big. Now for you I think you should also do istikhara yourself.. I would advise to do alot of zikr day and night without thinking about the matter and reading nawafil at late night. I am not a scholar but I am just telling you what I do. You didn't do istekhara yourself right? or have I missed it in your question.. well do it. and it's not a one time process I think.. u should/can do it more than once.. I have done it good few times.. No one can guide you better than Allah and zikr-e-elahee after every prayer specially at night is better than anything else.. when you have this state of mind that you know nothing and u seek Allah's guidance and you continue prayers and zikr.. trust me things start becoming clear and before you know you are pursuing the right path/moving forward in the right direction. Have a little patience.. you're just 25 🙂
    As far as the parents approval.. I am still struggling to find an answer myself. Allah's deen allows a girl to make her choice and parents are suppose to respect that. but at the same time parents always want the best for their children, never forget that and never underestimate their judgments. You say he is jobless, forget about his mother and his family etc. but if a man can't provide you, Islam stops you from marrying him. You should cut all ties with him and tell him to pray and do zikr and find a job first. Because regardless of your history together, he has to have some means of earning. you didn't waste his time, although it was a sin, but you have also suffered. Tell him to find a job and you pray for yourself and him and for Allah's guidance for both. Read sura baqarah, aytal karima.. whatever you can..
    putting everything aside.. usually such marriages don't work out well.. Allah u alam.. Parents not happy, his mother has had a bad situation with you guys, you don't like her cause of that.. i hope u will agree it's not a good start.. Don't think I don't understand you.. I do.. having said all above I can't forget him myself.. but I am too scared to start a life with him making so many people upset.. Sabar is all we need, but just can't make it a part of our personality..
    lastly.. have faith in this.. without faith.. our muslim identities are probably of not much value.. have faith that Allah will decide what's best for you so only ask Allah to guide you. I just analysed your situation in my view.. I wish you best of luck. May Allah guide all us sisters on the right path. Ameen

    K Alain

  2. AlAim. JazakAllah for responding.
    I am sorry i missed it,i have done istkhara by myself too. i think i have done it 2 - 3 times and i saw nothing. i did have some weird dreams but nothing so clear. I have heard that istkhara makes our conscience satisfied or unsatisfied towards the task but i am still in confusion..
    Patience part is not applicable for me because i am on a verge of making decision. i have to chose between two because my parents are getting me engaged with someone else soon. i know this.
    i love my parents, can't make them cry. but i have to find out what is the RIGHT and JUST decision in this situation. My parents are right? or should i go against them and stand for that guy?
    Plus, he is trying for job. and im doing ziker too and istkhara again. I hope i get through this darkness soon. its like standing on a sharp knife..

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    When we choose a husband, we should look for a man with strong faith and good character - someone with whom we can grow in faith, raise a family (inshaAllah), and inshaAllah one day enter Jannah.

    Ask yourself - does the guy you like meet these criteria? Is he practising - does he pray, fast, lower his gaze, repent for his sins? And is he a decent and kind person to others - not just his family and friends, but to you and your family, to strangers, to people who are in need? You mention that you have concerns that he might say or do something to harm you or your family - is this the kind of worry you want to have about your husband?

    You mention worrying that you would not be pure if you did not marry this guy. Please read our articles about Tawbah and repentance; inshaAllah they may help reassure you.

    With regards the istikhara, please read the articles about it that are published on this website. Istikhara is something you do yourself (not something that anyone else can do for you) and it isn't based on dreams or signs. When we pray istikhara, we are placing our trust in Allah that He will guide us to what is best for us in this life and the next, and guide us away from that which would be harmful.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Walikum Assalam.
      I understand all this but whenever i start judging him for me, my conscience keeps reminding me that i am an ugly soul myself. i followed my nafs too and now i am judging a person as if i myself is so pure and clean.i hope u understand what my situation is. i dont feel good about myself too. and then that Ayah: "Pure women are for pure men". I repent, i keep asking for forgiveness but how do i judge him.
      Plus, i get a feeling that if he is going to harm my father or me then this might be my punishment and i should get married to him to save myself from more disrespect.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        No person alive today can claim to be perfect. We are all flawed, and there will be times when we fall short of the standards to which we aspire. This doesn't mean we have ugly souls. When we make a mistake, we can repent for it - Allah has given us guidance that if we offer sincere repentance, our sins will be forgiven.

        Purity isn't just about not doing anything wrong, it's about your faith and submission to Allah. Read our articles on turning back to Allah, as they may help ease your concerns about this, inshaAllah.

        If you genuinely think that he might harm you or your family, then DON'T MARRY HIM. Don't put yourself or your loved ones in a position where lives or wellbeing are at risk. Marrying someone who you think is capable of that isn't accepting a punishment, it's deliberately putting yourself and others at risk.

        Midnightmoon editor

        • Walikum Assalam.

          But NOT marrying him will automatically put my and my parent's respect at stake. No? 🙁

          Maybe he is just threatening me so that i marry him. i dont know. i know nothing. O Allah why did i ever started this relation.
          He never ditched me and now i feel that if i chose not to marry him then it is like i am ditching him 🙁
          He says that i have pulled him away from Allah by leaving him.
          JazakAllah khair for responding me.Your words are falling on my heart. i am feeling a little peace after so many days. May Allah bless u.

    • i did istkhara y myself too. im still doing it. i read that dua after almost every prayer but no signs. I have heard that istkhara makes our conscience satisfied or unsatisfied towards the task but i am still in confusion..

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    When I am making a critical decision or doing something that requires extra attention, I need silence because typically noise clouds my mind and acts as an obstacle. When I read your post, I "hear" a lot of noise. What I mean by this is that you have to consider the following: your past 3 years with him, what your parents want, what his parents want, what you want, what he wants, what he will do if you don't marry him, etc, etc. Do you see, there is so much there?

    You messed up and had a relationship with him and now you realize that what you did was wrong. The way in which you disrespected Allah swt's rules and disrespected yourself does not give license to anyone in justifying abusing you or your family further. Putting your emotions aside, since emotions change with time, and re-read what you wrote one more time: "...if i go with my parents and istkhara then i am afraid that he will ruin my reputation, he will harm my family" Dear Sister, this is not a quality of man that I would recommend a friend of a friend of a friend to even marry, let alone a close relative. You cannot pay for your sins by marrying him out of fear. Period. If you do, for that reason, you are marrying for the wrong reasons.

    1. If you want to be forgiven by Allah swt for your sins, marrying the boy will not guarantee that. To be forgiven by Allah swt, we are supposed to ask Allah swt for His Forgiveness, stop repeating the error, feel badly for our mistakes, and improve ourselves by engaging in good deeds in hopes of replacing those bad sins.

    2. The person that you marry should be someone that is good in Deen and with whom you will be able to grow in Deen with as well. That person should not make threats to you and should respect you as you him. When elders cause problems in a couple, the couple should be able to recognize the negative force and be kind and supportive with one another--so, in other words, if he doesn't recognize his mother's behaviour now, he most likely will not after.

    3. Your father knows what he is talking about--it appears your parents love you very much. They went along with the engagement for the sake of your happiness, but upon seeing problems, your father could not bear to see you facing difficulties in the future. It doesn't seem like your parents are ignoring your wishes, but instead, they are looking out for your own good.

    4. Isthikhara should be performed by you and not by other people. Read up on Isthikhara by clicking the link at the top of this page.

    5. For a moment, stop worrying about a decision this way or that way and all the what-ifs. These are all "noise." Instead, sit in silence, pray, do dhikr, make Du'a, and ask Allah swt for guidance. Forget about the consequences of NOT marrying him for a moment and ask yourself, would you, if you were a mother, marry your daughter to this man? For now, you have only thought about your perspective, but from another, it may not be the best decision.

    6. Stop all and every communication with him. What you call love, isn't love. There are no threats in love. And besides, emotions come and go with time--and they are easy to feel--but responsibility after marriage, that is what supersedes emotions. After marriage, no matter how you feel, you have certain responsibilities that you will have to uphold--so, put your current emotions aside and try to think clearly in silence.

    May Allah swt ease your problems and bring peace to you. May Allah swt forgive our sins and accept our repentance so that we meet Him one day in Jannah, Ameen. Thummah Ameen.

    • Walikum Assalam. JazakAllah Saba, I liked ur suggestions. but please help me with the following too.

      I understand all this but whenever i start judging him for me, my conscience keeps reminding me that i am an ugly soul myself. i followed my nafs too and now i am judging a person that whether he is good character or not, as if i myself is so pure and clean.i hope u understand what my situation is. i dont feel good about myself too. and then that Ayah: "Pure women are for pure men and Bad women are........ ".
      I repent, i keep asking for forgiveness but how do i judge him. We both are same. Aren't we?

      Plus, i get a feeling that if he is going to harm my father or me then this might be my punishment and i should get married to him to save myself from more disrespect.
      Am i thinking right?

      • Assalam alaikum Sister,

        Whispers from shaitan are always there and they can be relentless and very tricky. In your case, I see that you continued in the relationship and must have rationalized your way through it and now that you know better, you are actually still be tricked and trapped again. When you say that you are an ugly soul and deserve to marry him and suffer because of what you have done, shaitaan is able to sustain and maintain under him. Only and only Allah swt can forgive you or give you punishment--it is not your job to self-administer a judgement from Allah swt and intentionally put yourself in harms way as a way of punishing yourself. In a way, it is rather arrogant to think that you could do that and that that would somehow absolve you of what you have transgressed against Allah swt's guidelines.

        Your two choices are: marry this boy OR do not marry this boy. And, it seems that you want to marry this boy because you think you deserve it and it will remove the sins--in other words, it is the easier decision...whereas, NOT marrying him, stopping communication with him, stop giving him importance of a mehram when in fact he should not have importance in your mind and heart and listening to your parents after all this is the harder thing to do.

        You should definitely not marry a boy who is threatening you or who you fear will take revenge. This was not love. Love is not full of revenge and hatred. Love is not about holding on or letting go--love is knowing WHEN to hold on and WHEN to let go. When you experienced was not love Dear, it wasn't even a shadow of it.

        What is it that he is threatening you with?

        So, chin up. Talk to your parents and listen to them. Seek Allah swat's guidance.

        • We are already not talking. but it is very hard Sister Saba. i know he is dying too. My everything reminds me of him. he is always on my mind, my heart. U know i keep crying all night because that is when i am alone. He never ditched me.never lied i swear. and now i am going to ditch him. this feeling kills me.
          After 3 years of love promises, all i am doing is to think about my self. my future. my parents. i feel so selfish.
          I wish i could go back in time and wouldn't have started all this. My heart cries for him.
          Forget the threats for a moment.. May be he is doing this so that i marry him. Then what's left for me to hate him?
          He is still in my facebook account, he is still on whatsapp. I see him online, but we don't talk. You know it hurts so bad. I know i am being so shameless by saying all this but i want to say it out anywhere. I cannot talk to anyone at my home about what i feel. I cannot cry in front of anyone. May Allah forgive me. I know its a sin asking for death but i really don't want to live anymore. I am not planning for any suicide attempt but i do pray for a natural death. I wish Allah takes me to Him and i live in all peace there because i have repented so much. I Know He is Rehman, He will grant me a place in Jannah.
          Is it my azmaish?or is it my punishment? I am unable to identify.
          JazakAllah khair for showing concern sister. Please remember me in your prayers. I feel so helpless. Whenever u offer ur namaz, i beg u to pray for me. for my ease, for my peace. May Allah give you jaza e khair. Ameen.

          • Whatever choice you make will have some level of selfishness in it, that can't be avoided altogether. So relax.

            The only way that you and him could really marry is if the threats and hurting stop. Forgiveness between the family must begin. This may not really be possible though. And, how will he support you? This isn't just about you, when you have children, you will need to make sure that you chose someone who can support them--there is a lot more to think about.

            On one hand his mother badmouthed your father and he expects you to take a stand against your parents--but would he do the same against his parents? It isn't reasonable. Couldn't you ask him the same thing and request him to ask his mother to apologize or her behaviour to your parents? My point is, if he can't do that, he also should not be asking you to take a stand against your parents.

            He knows that you need a Wali in order to marry you--which he knew 3 years ago--so you are not alone in the mistake that was made 3 years back. What do your parents say for now?

        • Whenever i talk to my parents to rethink about this proposal then they always remind me all the things that have happened between two families. They are looking for my new proposals and every new proposal they consider seems to be better than this one. So its impossible for them to look back.
          There seems to be no way out for me...

  5. Assalam Alaikum.
    Anyone there to help me out please?
    I am suffering from extreme depression. My story is written above but now my pain includes harsh feelings of guilt and regret too. Did i make a mistake by doing istikhara or was it wrong to let my parents do istikhara after engagement??Should i have done it before the relationship or engagement??? Have i destroyed his life?? Did i ditched him and this will curse my whole life???

    These thoughts make me cry whole day and night? i literally can't help myself. I feel like i need a psychiatrist. I am having severe migraine and eye pain too due to depression and crying all the time. But i know i can never go to psychiatrist because my family doesn't know about my condition. They are happy that i have given up on him and that i am agreeing to the new proposals they are bringing because according to them thats the best for me. I cannot tell my parents my feelings because they are already very disturbed due to other issues and i cannot even think to add up into their difficulties.

    But I need help. I fear that this situation will lead me to nervous break down. I pray five times a day, i do ziker, i pray tahajjud at times.i read Quran with translation, i pray istikhara, i beg to Allah for my peace. I know HE is listening to me but i just can't help myself right now.

    The feeling of love and guilt are drowning me. I cant forget him, i cant talk to him, (We are not in contact now), but everything keeps reminding me that he is dying too. and the guilt that i have ditched him so I'll have a cursed life ahead and i should beg for his forgiveness. but he will never forgive me because i couldn't stand with him against my parents.

    Please advise me what to do and how to tackle things. Please anyone. JazakAllah.

    • Br.Wael, Sister Z, Midnight moon, please anyone, HELP ME PLEASE.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I hope that my words may offer some peace to you inn shaa Allah.

      The reason why you are feeling guilt and regret is because the fairytale is over and reality has settled in. It is natural to feel that way, and sometimes, it is necessary too so that we may transform into something better than before with more wisdom in hand.

      Yes, you did make a mistake. Obviously, dating the boy for 3 years and then doing Isthikhara and asking for your parents permission then was not the way to go--from the outside, whatever is happening is very much expected.

      I am sorry that you are going through pain, but, I do not think it is surprising either.

      Keep on praying and asking Allah swt for guidance and peace.

      As for your condition--since you are really suffering, I think it is wise to go and speak to a Muslim counsellor. Also, maybe you need to revisit talking to your mother and father once more about how you feel. It seems that you only have the option to marry someone else now, when maybe this isn't the time for you to even considering marrying given your condition. Speak to your parents. Listen to them. Maybe they are right about what has happened between the two families, BUT, there doesn't seem to be closure there. If you speak to your father one more time about what you are going through, listening to his perspective may help you. Ideally, it would be good for your father to speak to the boy and find out if there is a chance for things to be healed or not between your families and him and you--you can't and shouldn't be doing it alone.

      The boy must have known that eventually he would have had to deal with your father...he must have had some idea this would have happened? My point is, the both of you must have foreseen this occurring in which case you take a stand one way or the other and accept what happens. What do you think?

      • Walikum Assalam. JazakAllah for replying.

        It is not possible for me to talk to any Muslim counselor because i have no one around. I dont know any of such person who could help me thats why i am begging here.

        I have talked to my parents too and they keep reminding me the bad things from that family's side and my father says that after all that has happened, u cant even think to have any respect in that family and they'll not respect ur parents too. I know they are right in saying so. I cant let my parents down. I personally dont like the family.

        Only thing that bothers me is the boy. He loved me so sincerely and now i am thinking about me and my family. Will i be cursed?? Will Allah not forgive me because it is about HIS creature?? Do i have to beg for that guy's forgiveness??

        Every night i yearn to talk to him once but then i just cant gather the courage to answer his question that will u stand by me? Thats when i decide to put everything in Allah's hand but my depression goes on and on.

        Another thing i want to mention that i cant pressurize my parents because they are already so worried due to my brother's issue and they cannot handle any more pressure. I fear that it will affect their health.

        • assalamualikum....I want to marry a guy...I am in relationship since 4 years...He is religious but my parents don't agree because of his financial problems....He has capability to provide me...please tell me any dua to make my parents agree....His parents are ready....Please help me

          • i am going through the same.i seriously want to end my life. my parents are getting me engaged in a couple of days with someone else and i just cant forget him. im in severe depression.want to commit suicide.

        • Hey, how did it all work out for you!

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