Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to move out…

beating abuse physical children

assalaamu alaykum,

Would it be wrong for me to leave my parents' house and live on my own once I get a proper job?
I've become really tired of living in a house where domestic violence takes place (mostly emotional and verbal abuse, mainly from narcissistic dad).
At the moment, my dad doesn't even talk to me. He stopped talking to me because of something I said that wasn't even wrong of me to say. I said salam to him a few times, but he told me not to talk to him. I honestly don't want to ever talk to him because I'm so tired of such childish acts.
He gives these silent treatments to my mom too. He even tells us he doesn't like us and sometimes fakes his love for us.
Jazakum Allahu khair

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. Your dad has a brokensoul. He has emotional problems that makes him hurt his own family. It is possible he was hurt by your grandfather while he was growing up. He may be feeling hurt inside, unable to control his bad behavior.

    Living alone is not a bad idea.

    • Agreed, Living alone is not bad idea. It gives the OP time to cool off, destress, and focus. But the OP also needs to stay in touch with family and try to help. Otherwise it would be makroo to just forget family altogether.

  2. As Salaam Alaikum,

    May Allah bring peace to you, eeman to your dad, and coolness of the eyes to your mom. Allah has mentioned that we all will be tested in this life, the test isn't the same for everyone, we might think it is easy for others and tougher for us, but in reality everyone is being tested, the way Ibraheem (Alaihi Salaam) was tested with his father not being a muslim, Nuh (Peace be to him) was tested with his son not being muslim, and Muhammad (Peace be on him) was tested wherein his own family, The Quraish rejected him and subjected him to hardship. The first thing is to identify the questions Allah has for us, and then try to find a solution that would please Allah.

    I am not sure if everyone would agree with my advice, and I do believe people have the right to disagree but I hope people are respectful. I am going to share with you an incident of someone who has been in a similar situation, someone that I can call as one of my best friends (only reason I mention it is to tell you I know the situation very very well). His father always kept abusing his mom from the time that he could remember anything, almost everyday emotionally, and frequently physically as well. His father has a lot of good qualities as a person & human, but he is surely not a good husband at least as per my understanding, and Allah knows the best.

    I am now going to mention how this kid reacted for the last 25+ years of his life, and what he has achieved in last 25+ years. He used to cry, feel sad, and sort of move into himself while at primary school, unlike the other kids, he never used to indulge in acts that would be considered childish. His mother did not divorce his father due to many reasons, one of those, I can think was her fear of causing trouble to the kids, and the financial burden of raising a family as a single mom without any job or support. Of course, similar to you he also felt that he can just run away from the situation, get a house of his own, and I do not think that would have been wrong either.

    Instead, he did choose to fight the situation in his own way, by the guidance of Allah, and from his knowledge of Islam as he kept learning it. There were days that were easy, and many that were tough. He wanted to study, and he studied with a motivation that he would one day be responsible for his mom financially, and hopefully be a reason for his dad to be better as well. He worked for his dad full time in his fathers business while he studied full time as well. This meant he never had a lot of time to goof around as most of my other friends in our age group at that time. While if he had any time he used to just stay at home to ensure that he could stop the abuse to his mom just by trying to divert his dads attention cleverly, while still speaking respectfully. Alhamdulillah though, he continued this effort until he completed his bachelors in a very nice area, then went on to complete his Masters, and now has a startup company of his own. This whole thing is not important, he worked hard to show true love to his mom, took her for omrah from his first earnings, then took her for Hajj a year later, finally managed to push his dad to go for omrah with him.

    During all this time, his father stopped being a reason for emotional abuse to his mom, perhaps maybe due to the insecurity that his son is now capable of providing but as a muslim this kid assumes the best for his father, hoping that he has changed, and so do I. His dad still gets insecure when the topic of his marriage comes up, and he is afraid that if he gets married and moves out then his dad will start troubling/abusing his mom again.While reflecting upon his life, he does state that it was not easy for him, but it ended up becoming a motivation to do something for his mom. He did not want to just run away by being happy only himself and being selfish. He states "Allah tested him in that manner, similarly there are some who are tested as they are orphaned, they cant complain, neither can I". He also mentioned, in all this time of living in fears and trouble, I learned Islam, how a son should be, how a father should be, and importantly how a husband should be. He mentions that, "it turned to be a blessing in disguise, as most of my muslim/non muslim friends indulged in Zina, in haram activities, in extravagance, but since I did not have any luxury of time, money, or peace at home, thankfully Allah saved me from those sins as I was busy trying to learn the reason for those problems, I wanted to know what Islam commands, and in that way I learned a lot about Islam".

    All I do know now is that his mother is very happy with him, that all her effort paid off in raising a child, his father has gotten at least somewhat better. Overall, he serves to be a big inspiration for me, and for many people in the community that we grew up at. During this whole ordeal (25+ years) he did not even tell anyone about the issues he was going through as he did not want people to think negative about his parents (How do I know -- well living in the same neighborhood, going to the same school, uni , and a lot more). It sounds like some movie script but may Allah reward him and his family with Jannah for enduring everything and not trying to think selfishly.

    So yeah, my advice to you is endure as long as it does not take you away from Allah, you want to go to Jannah, do your best to take your mom and dad with you to Jannah. Having bad father doesn't mean you act similarly when you are a husband, instead learn from him exactly what you should not do as a husband when you do get married, who knows your jannah might be in this test. Try to teach your dad by returning his bad acts with goodness, and yeah keep asking Allah for help and ease.

    and Allah knows the best.

    • wa 'alaykum assalam Abdullah

      Jazaaka Allahu khairan for your response. Things are still about the same. I'm a sister, by the way. I am still thinking of moving out, but I am not sure how I can do that while still keeping ties. Both are difficult for me since I am still trying to find a proper job and wish I did not have to have any contact with my family. Even my extended family adds on to my immediate family's issues, so I only have Allah to help me out. I understand that the brother you mentioned was brought close to Allah and had a chance to serve his parents better, but for me, I feel that my family takes me away from Allah. They have a negative impact on my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

  3. Salam,

    No one deserves to be abused, sometimes there is only so much a person can take. I suggest you move out as soon as you can. Still be good to your parents. You don't have to live with your abuser if you have a choice.

  4. please this is emergency i am participating in the debate tomorrow so right now i want immediate answers if you can? make me understand the true meaning of this verse. my friend has sent me the video claiming that praying in darbaar while making the waseela or source of that pious man is not shirk . in the video the scholar or mullah has quoted this ayat. i m very heart broken and shocked please make me correct.

    [Maidah 5:35] O People who Believe! Fear Allah, and seek the means towards Him, and strive in His cause, in the hope of attaining success.
    please give me the answer. i m waiting

Leave a Response