Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to reconcile with my wife, who claims her parents blackmailed her

Broken trust

Assalamu Alaikum,

We've been married for seven years, an arranged marriage, and lived a very happy life throughout. We never had a single argument or misunderstanding, and always behaved like kids just joking and carefree. We loved each other very much. I loved her more than words could describe. She took care of me very well too.

She was 19 when we got marrried, so I thought "let's have a kid when she's 20" because I wanted her to enjoy life with me rather than staying at home with a big belly and unable to go out or enjoy anything. So we went overseas on a honeymoon and also visited lots of parks, hotels, and beaches, basically just enjoying our life. I used protection every time we had intercourse so that she wouldn’t get pregnant until the end of the year.

All this time, she stayed at her parents' place while I stayed with a relative 40 kilometers away because my business was there. She didn't want to stay with me because her parents disliked it: their relatives would talk bad or look down in shame if we lived in a separate house. Also, I didn't have a house of my own back then, and my parents' house is another 40kms away in the opposite direction. So instead, I visited her twice a week, stayed one day, then left for work.

When she turned 20, I said "let's have a kid now." But she refused, saying that once a kid is born, her friends and relatives would come to see it, and if they find out we don't have a house of our own, they will think we are not wealthy!

Shortly after, we had recession in our country. Then we were affected by the Easter bombing by terrorists, followed by the Covid pandemic. All of this swallowed up about four to five years. And my wife never changed her mind about having a child. But we had intercourse every day we met, using protection.

Then I finally bought a house, a single floor unit. Again my wife refused to have a baby, saying her family and relatives will talk ill of our single story dwelling that doesn't look big or grand. But since I loved my wife, I was patient enough to deal with her amongst all the criticism from my family members, relatives, and friends for not having a child by then.

I then submitted a building plan for a 3-story house, which the municipal council took one year to evaluate and process. But then our country once again fell into a huge debt and recession which hit hard on all of us...prices of items surged up five times their value. I could not build the house at this time.

Because I could not proceed with that plan, my wife started getting frustrated with me, saying I'm not intimate with her and that I don't hug her and kiss her during sex--that I only do foreplay and then intercourse. She said she's had this problem since the day we got married but didn't tell me, thinking I will correct it myself. I said that I just didn't know it was so important and so was not even aware of it. She started getting angry and avoiding me. She withheld sex from me for about a month. I then refrained for another month out of anger. I was hurt that she was being so cold- hearted.

After three months, she told me not to come to her house and that she needs time to think about these issues. I felt bad and apologized for having done anything wrong. That week she phoned me and said she is seeking a divorce and that her parents are also angry and want to separate us. I was devastated. I was so hurt because even if she was unable to bear a child, I would have never ever let her go. My whole life shattered. I was so sad and hurt. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought my wife would apply for divorce, something I would never do to her. I would have stood by her through thick and thin but she just tossed me away.

I went into depression and my life turned upside down. No matter how much I tried to persuade her, she just refused. Her parents labeled me impotent and filed for divorce. Then, when I took a semen test which came out all normal, they said I'm gay. My wife also asked me the same. My heart just shattered into pieces when she asked me that question after living with me for 7 years knowing 100% that I'm straight.

She then unfollowed me from Instagram, deleted all our pictures, and even blocked me and all my family members. I couldn't even whatsapp or call her. I was very hurt by her actions. Nevertheless, I still loved her. I just don't know why I'm still fighting for her. I still want to live with her for the rest of my life. I really don't want to separate.

The divorce process is going on now. It's been two months now and she then started changing for the better. She unblocked me. My sister tried to console her and talk her out of this divorce. Then, after some time, she would call and message me without her parents knowledge, saying she was in depression too and so couldn't think straight and that she never wanted a divorce and that she is not that kind of a person and that her parents were the ones who manipulated her to give a divorce because they said they will find her a better groom with riches so that she can lead a wealthy life in peace.

She says her parents are angry with me, thinking I cheated her and her family by hiding the truth that I dislike hugging and kissing and that I'm gay. She now wants to live with me but she cannot change her parents mind, so she wanted me to inform the quazi to refer us to a psychiatrist or a marriage counselor, as her parents will only let us live together if the professionals say that my condition of not hugging and kissing is not an illness and that it can be treated! So I gave a letter to the quazi stating the same and to cancel this divorce.

In the meantime, my wife said she wrote a letter too and will give it to the quazi when we appear before the panel for the first hearing. However, at the first hearing, she said she didn't bring the letter and wanted to give it on the next hearing, thinking that's when they will talk to each of us alone in person.

The next hearing was due in another two months. During this time, she was messaging and calling just like old times and asked me to start building the house sooner or at least renovate it so that we can move in as it is and then after we have a child then the parents will be happy and accept us back. I was so happy that things were turning out well by the grace of Allah and that my prayers have been answered.

On the day of the hearing, she once again said that she didn't bring the letter, that her parents said they will die if we reconcile, that they are very firm on a divorce, and that there's not even a chance to change their mind. So since she cannot live against her parents wishes, she said she will go ahead with the divorce. She just point-blank told me this. Quazi, on the other hand, never asked my story or gave any reply to my wife's fact, he didn't even refer us or me to a marriage counselor, but rather, focused on trying to grant the divorce right then and there. I somehow pleaded and persuaded the quazi to give me one more chance as I needed time to think and talk to my wife again about what happened for her to change so suddenly.

That day she blocked my number again and there was no means of any contact. I am now wondering if she was playing all along. I heard that her mom is already looking for a wealthy groom for her. I guess my wife has been compromised or manipulated by her parents by promising a bright future with a wealthy husband.

I still cannot make up my mind whether or not she was emotionally blackmailed at the last moment or if she was playing the innocent card so that I won't get angry and so that I will grant her the divorce... and just leave thinking that she's a good girl and that her parents are the ones who had forced her to talk against me.

What I want to know is if a quazi can grant a divorce under fasah (Fasakh) in just one sitting? He hasn't asked me my side of the story, and doesn't even want to refer us for counseling, saying it's just a waste of time as both can remarry someone else and move on. I want to attend counseling because if there really is an issue with me, I can correct myself and then persuade my wife to come back to me. That way, both of us can have a better understanding as both will be attending together.

Also what rights do I have under fasakh divorce? What can I ask and what not? My father-in-law owes me money which he had borrowed for his business, in the amount of $5000.00! He has to give me the deed or registration of land which I bought from him for $12000.00 few years ago. I didn't bother to take the documents to my possession or transfer it to my name as it was not a necessity back then.

Can the quazi grant the divorce at the next hearing even if I object? Because he asked me to brink iddah money for my wife to the hearing. (He's already fixed on granting the divorce on the next date). Can I request for another quazi in another area to take up the case? Can I request for counseling before he gives his verdict?

Shouldn't my wife prove that I didnt hug/kiss or not willing to hug/kiss or not able to hug/kiss in order to get her divorce? (I can hug/kiss perfectly and I have no issues in doing the same either) Sometimes I feel that she never was interested in having sex with me.

Any ideas or tips for saving my marriage are very much appreciated my brother as sisters. Divorce is the last thing that's on my mind..
I miss her really bad..


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2 Responses »

  1. Her parents are toxic and superficial. Your wife has been cold and gave many excuses and didn’t care about your feelings and now she wants you and then again blocks you. You seem like a great guy who is very patient, caring, and understanding. You deserve someone who respects you. I am not knowledge about legality but it sounds like it will turn bitter. I’d get a lawyer and get your money back from your father in law and do best to get any kind of documentation. Do istiqara. You don’t want to be married in laws like that of accusing you with being gay and other lies. They don’t fear Allah. When you remarry try not to live separately too long, it’s not encouraged in Islam as it can cause problems.

  2. Asalamu Alaikum brother Wael,

    I have posted a comment here and at different post. I am not sure why my comment is not being posted.

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