Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to restore my family’s honor… But should I tell him about my past?

age difference

Sallam alaikum all,

For those who have been following my 'story',  I recently met a pious muslim man from my community through a mutual friend, mashallah he has good character which I really admire, he is married with two kids but the family is living in the UK.  We have been talking lately, he has asked me to marry him but I have not yet accepted, the reason I have not accepted is that I have not told him about my entire past. He knows am divorced that's all. I am very fearful of telling him that I was married to a white man. I feel my past will never leave me alone.

I don't know what he will think of me after I tell him, I could conceal this but if we do marry he might be told by my extended relatives or friends.... I feel I am not good enough to marry him because of my past. I come from a culture that is very strict, if you marry outside it's very difficult to marry back again into the community - you become an outcast. The few I know who have married outside the culture are still married to their partner, the divorced onces have never remarried and one committed suicide. I think I am trying to restore honor for my family, being second wife is my best option..

Please advise what do I do? Should I tell him or keep silence?


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7 Responses »

  1. Salam Muslimlady,

    A couple of things. You should be marrying him if you think you can fulfill his rights as a wife and if you think he can fulfill yours as a husband. What happens when he goes back to UK for his two kids? Do you just sit there by yourself and your newborn babies and wait for him? So first make terms with him as to what he will do and what you will do and how your life will play out. Once you have agreement of terms then consider marriage.

    Second, you need to tell him about your past, which to me doesn't seem like a big deal but maybe it is to him. He should be aware that your previous husband was white if you think this will cause you to have a problem later. Might as well get that problem out now instead of getting divorced later and having even less self esteem thinking that you couldn't even cut it as a second wife.

    Third, please try not to have as low of a self esteem as you have now. Consider other proposals from men that may not be as well off but have good character and are Islamic if possible. If it's not possible and this is your only choice for now then go ahead and evaluate it, please don't enter a marriage that you know won't work out well enough for you.

  2. Salaam sister Muslimlady2,
    I would STRONGLY advise you not to conceal it. If you do deceive him into marrying you - and he gets to know it which he definitely will - you are destroying not only your future but also his entire future and faith in you. Just be truthfull, tell him that you were married with a such a man.Tell him that you are seeking his help to be back to the right path and you would like him joining you in your attempt to get closer to Allah and be righteous wife.He may fall in love with you more and will be strong enough to support.

    Finally, please do not hide it as it will get exposed sooner than you expect and then everything will fall apart.You will then realize you ruined his life and yours too.

  3. Asalamalikum dear
    Please believe in urself first......n thanks Allah rabbul izzat dt u r alive n healthy......n apart from dt ....u got second chance to live ur life......if it's must to get married in ur community....its not declared in Islam....dt u ll b among DM if u marry in ur community......its really hurting thing if or peoples disown u.....but u blv u r living ur life given Frm Allah.....marrying a man just to get back to ur family is not a good idea.......if ur family accepts u go for one who could stand by u.....bravely n ur case dt guy seems to b passing cloud please don't denay on MAY B situation....Dear.......m even a girl from eastern n conservative family still single...with past.....but now m standing by own.....thanking Allah subhan talah for life n path shown to please think again....
    Ur sister :syeda yasmeen

  4. Was your previous husband Muslim or not? I know some Muslims use "white" as code for "non-Muslim", which is unfortunate since they are entirely different things.

    Wael Editor

  5. Sallam All,

    Wael : my ex husband wasn't muslim, we met at while at work and at that time I was 26 yrs old I didn't have much deen in me. I was too occupied with my work and I wasn't praying. #

    Because I love him so much I did tell this guy about my past, it was hard for me but I did it in the end, he later said he didn't have a problem with my past but still I broke up with him. He has been trying to reach out to me and said we can take things slow as I keep talking about my past which he hates, he only says we all make mistakes and that I should stop talking about my past. I did also tell him that I have challenges having kids, which I could see hit him hard. I come from a community that loves many kids. Therefore I don't see much to my marriage - I feel I will trap someone... if he had like 5 kids I wouldn't be so worried. his only 35 and am sure he wants more kids too.

    So as we speak, we have taken the relationship very slow. His first wife is in the UK with the two kids, he said she has refused to return back here. There relationship also isnt that good. he says he requires a wife here

    I do suffer from low self esteem, and at times am suicidal . sometimes I say I should maybe quit trying to remarry and maybe adopt an orphan from my community live by myself.

  6. Assalamualaikom siser

    Thank you for sharing your story, and May Allah make things easy for you.

    It is never good to talk about your past all the time with the person who you see to marry.
    Ideal, you never mention that more than ONCE.

    Keep praying and asking Allah to give you a righteous husband, life is hard and it is always better with a partner who help you be closer to Allah

    For the the kids thing, are you sure its YOUR problem ? if you were not diagnosed infertile, maybe its not right to assume that or tell others about it.

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