Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was a homosexual, and I still have weird thoughts and flashbacks. HELP!

Assalam-o-alaikum,

Im a 19 year old girl. And I have a best friend who is a year older than me. Our friendship is very strong. We have been together for a more than a year, but since the day we first talked we felt like we belong together as friends.

think good thoughtsShe is the first and the only girl I ever met that made me think that I might like her more than a friend. I always treated her with love and care, that made her close to me. She shared her secrets with me, there was a time when she went through alot in her family and she was almost devestated and now she admits out loud that if havent been there for her she wouldnt have made it. So we are two best friends who look out for each other. But the trouble begins here. I felt like i loved her more than a friend. shes a beautiful person. inside out.

So i try to ignore my feelings and tell myself that there is no such feeling that exists between us. we are two grown up people who understand eachother alot. but the way we treated each other, was nothing as friends did. we were protective about each other. possessive about each other. i was confused about what it was. but then i started feeling like i want her. whenever we met, we hugged for so long. and when we did we didnt feel like letting each other go.

so she went to her country for vacations for a month. and she kinda disappeared on me. and that one month was hell for me. i ached to hear her voice and to hug her. still then i told myself that she is my best friend and i love her as a friend.

By the way we both are happily committed to our cousins. and i used to tell myself that we are committed to 2 guys who love us alot. and we respect them. they think of us as their wives. we havent ever crossed any kind of limits with them because we value pure relations! then why is this illegal feeling coming in between.

so when she came back. i told her that i love her, more than a friend. she told me to move on. she told me that our friendship might end. and she told me that we belong to two men who will marry us and be our family.

i promised her that i will. and i tried and tried for the sake of our friendship and our future husbands. but i couldnt, she always told me that she is with me and she will help me get over her. but how could i get over her when she is there right in front of me?

she even said that she can back off for a while so i can have my time but i needed her, as my best friend. i needed her to hold me when i break down and since shes my only best friend and this was not an issue i can discuss with anyone else. i asked her to stay with me and i told her that i will work on getting over her.

one suspicious thing was that she never really tried to stop me, she was like, i like the way you love me and protect me but i cant love you back, it is not possible. i never thought of you in that manner. i even asked her what was wrong in me that she wouldnt love me back. it wasnt lust or desires or physical needs, it was just that i loved her more than a friend.

anyways she was always kept asking me to tell her that i love her and i did. day by day i took hold on myself. telling myself that she doesnt love me. shes just my best friend. and one day out of nowhere she broke down in front of me and told me that she loves me too! and she told me that she is afraid that shes gonna lose me as a friend too. cause we have to get married to men one day. and she cannot betray her husband.

so i told her that for me its just enough that she loves me. but she said she wants to try us out. she wants to LOVE me more than a friend. but she also said that i have to get hurt because one day she will realize she's doing wrong and she wont be able to take it and she'll break it off. and i promised her that no matter what i will be here as her best friend.

so we were together and happy. we never kissed or touched eachother the wrong way. we just loved each other more than friends. if we felt something we just told each other like i feel like kissing you right now, and stuff. but almost everyday she used to tell me that this is wrong we are not allowed. i was at that time not inclined towards islam at all. i didnt pray i didnt recite Quran. i didnt do anything a good muslim girl would do.

everyday she used to tell me that she might end this, this isnt right in islam and as a human being. and the moment she used to say that either i had a major mood swing or i used to go silent for a long logn time while she would be on the phone begging me to speak up, and one time i acutally couldnt breath and she begged me to have control and promised me she wont leave me. we used to talk to each other on phone, for hours. in the night in the morning. we used to tell eachother we love each other. we used to love each other, imagining that we are doing something . not really but yeah we did, while on chats or on phone. we used to talk to eachother while we slept online on the phone.

so one day i talked to her. and she was perfectly alright. and i went for my class. there i checked my facebook, and there was her message in my inbox from her. she sent me a link and she typed there below it that "read this i cant sleep after i read this"

she was herself diverting to islam. i knew that and i didnt like it because i knew she would go away then. so i came home and opened that link and in there it was written about the punishment of homosexuality in islam. i couldn't read all of it. i closed it and called her up. and asked her to end it. she was happy that i was understanding. from that day we decided to come near ALLAH once again. we asked for forgiveness. we never talked in bad manner. and we stopped pretendeing like we are a couple.

i must admit im at ease. i feel light. and im glad that she pulled me out of it. and i hope that ALLAH will forgive me. i offer all five prayers. i recite the Quran. i beg for forgivness whenever i think about the life here after, cause i did commit a big sin. and im sure that ALLAH will have mercy on me. we are still best friends and we are there for each other no matter what. we try to purify our frienship. losing her as a friend is not an option.

the thing that bothers me is that. i sometimes get flashbacks of what we were, i hear her voice in my head when she took my name and when she told me she loves me. and i very rarely imagine her coming near me , grabbing me for a kiss, holding me tight in a hug.

i know i shouldnt but who has control over thoughts right? i want to think of her as a pure object. i want to think of her as my best friend. i do most of the time but sometimes i cant. and it scares me becuse i asked and begged for forgiveness and i dont want all that to go in vain, i want to be a good muslim. i have changed my way of life and im satisfied with it. but i cant help when sometimes i get these thoughts. i chase them away there and then, but i want to know in light of islam is that right? just to have thoughts or flash back of something that is forbidden?

i have committed enough sins and i dont want to commit anymore.

JAZAKALLA KHAYRAN.

-contagious15

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5 Responses »

  1. dear sister,

    good you have realised the wrong you were doing.now that Allah has bought you from darkness to light with his mercy, dont over think about these thoughts. you are very young girl and iam so pleased to see that you ahve realised this is sin and you have managed to keep away from it. these thoughts are wispers from shaytan, beware of him.you have fought him so well before. when ever we try to do good shaytan tries to tell us something opposite.like when we want to be regular with namaz he wispers keep sleeping, may be later, lets make this phone call first etc. when we want to do some charity , shaytan says you dont have enough money, look at the bills , may be next month etc. same way you are doing so well and shaytan cant stand it. so these thoughts are nothing but waswasa from shaytan.

    once you know that these are shaytans waswassa then you will immediately realised that these are actually not your true feelings. i strongly believe that people who get same sex attraction ,this is not a test from God , it is a test from shaytan.its your enemy inducing such thoughts in you,Why would a creater, so merciful, make you go through such a test ! why would he put such desires and not give a way to fulfil those desires?. read Quran my sister, Allah said to Hazarat Loot's(pbuh) nation WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ? that you indulge in such a sin when there are opposite gender available. think my sister ,Did Allah say any thing like this when two opposite sex people commit sin,no, then ofcourse this sexual desire for opposite sex is not by Allah .it is shaytans tool to drive you away from right path.

    contagious, be contagious and help others like in your situation to come out of this sin.

    dear sister, when you get thoughts like these or flash back keep some pictures or views or thoughts in your memory and replace them with thouse thoughts immediately. it will really help. i will try to explain. many years ago when i was your age ,i liked a boy in my class and constanttly had thoughts about him, i knew that he is having an affair with three other girls as well but still when he approached me i didnt want to resist. i asked Allah for guidance and help as the temptation was very strong. one day I dreamt that iam ina dark tunnel and looking for him to get me out of there, he came from nowhere and I ran towards him ,as soon as, i grabbed his hand and tried to hug him,he started melting into layers and layers and layers of black stuff,it was very scarry dream, and then someone calls my name and open the tunnel door from outside and ran never to look back again. sounds very dramatic and fairy tale like but that human melting into black layers of liquid still helps me stay away from evil.never do i dare to go towards that tunnel no matter how tempting it is. when you read that facebook thing ,there must be something that would have struck you the most ,keep that in focus, inshallah rubbish thoughts will run away.
    keep on the right path. may Allah help you.

    take care.

    your friend.

  2. Bismihi Ta'ala.

    Wa-Alaykumus Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,

    It is only through the mercy of Allah (SWT) that Allah made it possible that your friend looked up punishment of homosexuality in Islam and after you two read about it that is when you decided to stop any lustful relations or thoughts you might have had for each other
    As Muslims we are allowed to love and hug people that we are not allowed to merry for example ones Mother, Farther Sister, Brother ,aunt cousin… and if it’s a male all male friends, family and for female all female friends, family provided there is no lustful intentions or thought . The Prophet Mohammed (S A W) would kiss the beloved hand of his daughter Fatima R.A when he used to visit her or when she used to come and visit him. like Wise with his grand children Hassen and Husain (R.A) he kissed the foreheads and also on the lips so Islam teachers us to love people and to hug out of joy of seeing them or if they are in some kind of difficulty and you hug them for support that is all allowed provided it is people that you cannot merry. If any evil or lustful thought comes and hugging is done to fulfill a person’s desirers then that is totally wrong and Islam forbids that

    As Far as repentance is concerned Allah loves to forgive his servants so long as they ask for his forgiveness and are not persistent with sin and don’t go on committing sin after sin after sin sometimes a person would find temporary pleasure in committing sin but the depression that sets in there after no words can describe and then a person continues to sin more and more to try and get rid of the depression but the problem just gets bigger and bigger. On the other hand a person that tries to come out of the sins he or she would immediately find peace contentment of heart and life becomes a pleasure but shitan tries harder to try and get the person involved in sin again
    Thoughts is something that would come to a person from time to time but as long as we do not entertain this thoughts then inshallah we will be saved from sin
    Example of thoughts is like a person traveling on a high way and all the billboards and adverts he pass are like the thoughts in a humans mind so long as the driver of the vehicle does not stop at the adverts and billboards to admire them he will reach his destination
    So the human mind is like a vehicle traveling on the highway and the thoughts are all the adverts that are passing buy. once we have repented from sin we should not keep on going down memory lane we need to continue with life and continue progressing .As Muslims we should be on our guard all the time and never feel satisfied that we have done to much as that is a thought from shitaan
    I pray to Allah to guide me, you and the entier ummah around the world
    And may Allah remove the pain suffering and hardships of all people around the world
    Wa salaam

  3. this ones for admin........I'm quite new to this site n i thought posting a ques here wud help me gettin an answer.......but all in vain....i posted the same ques twice at different periods of time n all that it shows there is pending.....still it shows pending......I wndr whthr my ques was too offending or anything......u guys probably might answer that u cant answer all of the questions n i shud look 4 similar questions as mine.......but obviously everyone who writes a ques here feels his own is a lil different than the rest.....so i too thnk dat mine was diff......n u cant judge whethr a ques is similar or not......anyways even if two posts aren't enough than mayB i should keep on posting my ques every two mins...n flood this site.....hopefully dat will ring some bells....!!!

    • nimfeo, there is a long wait. Your question is not off limits or taboo. But we are currently posting questions from the beginning of January, while yours was submitted in March. And I can tell you that we don't appreciate having the same question posted multiple times.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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