I was forced into an engagement by blackmailing…
Dear All brothers and sisters
I am your humble sister require your honest advice.
Me and my cousin used to like eachother alot . We decided to involve parents and make it valid according to sunnah by getting married. My cousin was in Malaysia and I was in Karachi. So he sent rishta to my family 2 years ago. My family didn't agree and refused. But then something very strange happened. His family and my family both started to manipulate us by telling us negative aspects of this rishta (Marriage proposal) . His parents said: that girl has less height, dark color, is abit bold in her opinion and also does not belong to same caste blood. My father said that the guy is graduate and you are masters plus he is not as rich as we are,(My cousin had a permanent job in malaysia and was earning 3 lakh pakistani rupees). Hence they started to tell us day and night that we should forget eachother and they want to find better beautiful rishtas. 8 months ago he again forced his parents and sent rishta. My parents refused again on grounds that I am still finishing my masters. His family took it very personal and stopped him from even talking to me. But I used to be very sad and depress, finally THE TRUTH CAME OUT that my parent have another guy who is from their favorite family and is also masters in education and forced me to agree to getting engaged with him.I took a stand that I will not as I don't agree with this new proposal you found. That guy was also in family. My parents kept insisting untill they said ok we will ask the first proposal (My cousin) again, they sort of tricked me into it. They did called them in a very disrespectful manner and my cousin family was angry said they will not agree now as they have been insulted enough and also because they said that we know you already have a proposal in mind from your own family this is a disrespect to us.
Me and the cousin who loved eachother both thought to finally give up infront of our parents as they were forcing it too much on us with too much pressure. And also they were making up false stories about both of us to make sure we actually start to doubt eachother. Which slowly happened and misunderstanding came up.
A month ago my family engaged me to this new proposal by force, I cry all day and all night that day and now. I dont want this, I never agreed to it even and they simply forced me into it saying that the cousin family said NO so now I have to agree to this proposal. Now engagement is done and I am in a bad condition and on medication in hospital due to heavy depression and stress. My parents doesn't feel any pity at all.
I want to break this engagement and want to be with my cousin who actually made me happy. He is a wonderful guy and only due to family manipulations, Ego and negativity we came to this big issue.
I cannot live with my fiance as it is hard for me to even look at him or talk to him. All is forced on me everyday to pretend I am happy or forcefully to meet my fiance or talk to him. I and my cousin both are now miserable, we cannot talk offcourse. It is also unfair with my fiance as he thinks I am happy but honeslty I am not for a second.
Me and my cousin fault was that we gave our parents word more importance in respect and kept saying that its better to do it all under parents agreement. But now it brought us to a point where I realised that I can't be happy forcefully.
Please guide me, Should I break this engagement forcefully, it will bring disrespect to family, to mine and to his and maybe ask my cousin to marry me by forcing my parents and his again??? I dont want to hurt my parents, but I cannot live with a forced Nikah my whole life. My parents don't listen at all and neither do my siblings. All say that I have to do this to upheld respect of the family. But it is so unfair. HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?
PS. All above is written honest neutral and without any exaggeration.
fazaymuslim
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Aoa Sister,
There is no place for forced marriages in islam. The agreement of both spouses is of utmost importance.
Secondly, your heart and mind are not in your current proposal at all and it will be difficult for you to make the marriage work
if you do not give this your hundred percent.
However, having said that I suggest you carefully analyse your situation. Your parents’ method of handling the situation may not be right but have you honestly evaluated their concerns. Are their fears right? Are you looking at your cousin’s proposal with rose-tinted glasses? How can you be sure he earns as much as he told you in Malaysia? With what he earns will he be able to give you a decent lifestyle there? Never mind the conversion in pakistani rupees. You have to spend it there, not in Karachi.
What does permanent job mean? Malaysia does not give nationality as far as I know, so how can he have ’permanent job’. It only happens in our indo-pak countries where we consider government jobs as permanent till one retires.
Both of your families managed to create so much misunderstanding between you both. Who is to say it will not happen after marriage.
You say you have been hospitalized yet your parents have not changed their mind. Dear sister, is it possible that you are asking for something that will be harmful for you? Which is why your parents are being so rigid with you?
Evaluate your cousin with honesty. Do istikhara. If your heart is not in your fiance, then do break your engagement. It is not fair to either of you if you are not happy. But do istikhara for both. Inshallah, you will be rightly guided.