Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was his second wife, but now a third woman is calling him

woman in hijab from the side

Assalam Alaikum Ah Rahmatullah Wa Baraktu

It is my hope that you can help me in the sake of Islam and That Allah wishes for us, may your knowledge be helpful to me and guide me to the straight path.

O brother of Islam,

I am suffering a great dilemma, and I don’t know what to do. Two years ago, I agreed to marry my husband as a second wife, he advised me he was engaged to another woman and still intended to marry her. I was so much concerned about her feelings and how that would affect his life and her life and he assured me that she was ok with it and that he wished to have me to.

So my reply to him was that when he goes to her or wants to be with her to be completely honest with me, to let me know his intentions and I would give him the space and time to be with her. I was so worried to be involved with him because of hurting another woman but he assured me all was ok, so I trusted him.

I told him it was not my wish to marry a man with another wife but because I cared for him and believed him I said why not, if the Prophet's wives (pbuh) are the best in our Ummah, then why can't I strive to be accepting for the sake of what is halal for him and may bring benefit to me?

After we were married,  I left my country to move to the gulf area with him. We made a months visit to his home country to visit his family. All was wonderful except I found that a third woman was calling him all the time, anytime of day, and he even answered her calls in front of me.

Then eventually after much discontent and conversation he admitted to me that she was a girl that he knew before me and that she wanted to marry him and he said he had decided not to once he met me. He said he felt bad for her and didn’t want to hurt her, but in the same sense he had just begun to create a terrible worry and fear in me.

Once we got to the gulf country I found the phone calls were continuing all the time, he wouldn’t answer in front of me, they would talk when he was at work and at other times when I wasn’t around. It's been 2 years now and it still continues.

When I got to my new home country with him I found on his laptop lots of porn, pics of other women, messages in his emails sending flirty messages to other women. When I confronted him, he showed remorse and said he wouldn’t do it again, but I couldn’t and still cant trust him.

I since had a baby and now am expecting again inshaAllah, and last summer when I went away to visit my family I found out that he had opened a secret facebook account and was looking for women and he had a relationship for almost 2 months with a Russian girl online. Then in the last 3 months I found he was having a phone relationship with another woman, talking only and I have suspicion they may have met outside. I don’t think he has had sex with anyone, but his constant contact with other women makes me afraid, worried, uncomfortable and  so deeply sorrowful.

I have no peace at home, because it always seems to be the topic of our discussions, it seems to be a never ending story. My constant suspicion has created a monster inside me, I always check his emails, phone etc because I don’t trust him. When I married him, I thought he was honest with me about the other wife but other secrets came out in the dirty laundry, I have lost my self confidence, I no longer feel loved, attractive or wanted. But I feel that I must stay for my daughter's sake and the sake of my new baby inshaAllah.

I don’t know what to do, should I ask for divorce? I have asked him to go to a Sheikh but he doesn’t want to go together.  I have asked him to stop his ways, but he won't promise. He says it's part of his personality.  He has not failed in meeting his obligations to me for food, shelter, clothes and medicine, and he prays regularly, but the love, intimacy, trust, and commitment is not there.

I have no peace of mind in my home, I have suffered great depression in the last two years and feel I have made a very big mistake in marrying him, I feel sorry for my children that they have to see their mommy sad. I try to take it one day at a time, some days are better than others.

I have no family to understand as I am a convert to Islam and my family wouldn’t understand and they live overseas, I am here alone, just my husband and I. As for the other wife she will be no longer because we found out she was a scammer who offered marriage over the internet for money and my husband fell prey to her.

Even though I felt pain and suffering from these circumstances, I try to forgive him and be patient, as he is a kind man in great respects and I do love him but I am hurting so much inside as I feel he tries to compensate with material things instead of his intimacy and heart, I feel him cold towards me at times and uncaring of my tears, he has become immune to me, he thrives on attention from others and I think he is seeking this admiration from other woman and I have tried so hard to show him that he is missed and loved at home and his daughter and I are always here waiting him but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him.

I'm afraid and ashamed to say that I fell into the trap of his womanizing ways and now that I am married to him and have children it is so difficult for me to make a decision to stay or leave.

Please help me with any Islamic advise, hadith or suggestions you may have?

Thank you so much for your time, may Allah reward you for help.

Sincerely, Hawraa

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3 Responses »

  1. Salaam my sister,

    I am sorry for the great deal of pain in your heart and pray that you find peace inshaAllah.

    Al-Ghazzaali (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “If the first inward thought is not warded off, it will generate a desire, then the desire will generate a wish, and the wish will generate an intention, and the intention will generate the action, and the action will result in ruin and divine wrath. So evil must be cut off at its root, which is when it is simply a thought that crosses the mind, from which all the other things follow on.” (Ihyaa’ ‘Uloom al-Deen, 6/17).

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When a slave commits a sin, a black spot appears on his heart. But if he give it up, seeks forgiveness and repents, his heart will be cleansed, but if he repeats it, (the blackness) will increase until it overwhelms his heart. This is the raan which Allaah mentions: ‘Nay! But on their hearts is the Raan (covering of sins and evil deeds) which they used to earn’ [al-Mutaffifeen 83:14 – interpretation of the meaning].”(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3257; Ibn Maajah, 4234; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah, 3422).

    For your husband to mend his ways, he must first cut himself off from the source of his badness. He will only do this with sufficient motivation - so the first step is to try to get through to him in a way in which he will hear you. Successful communication varies from person to person, so I cannot say to do do this or do that. What I can say is that you must stand firm in Islam and hit him hard with the Quran, with Allah's warnings and blessings and try to ignite a strengtening of his Iman and love for goodness. If he will not go to see a Sheik, you can bring the Sheik to him. If he will not cut off the internet, you can cut it off for him. There are many extreme and non-extreme measures you can take if you seek to save him.

    Then there is the subject of you my Sister and what you want for your life and your children's lives. There may be simply "other women" right now, but soon they may convert into other wives. What starts off as a conversation can easily turn to marriage and so now you are in a situation where you must think very very clearly about where you want to take this an if you can accept that this is the way it is going to be in your marriage. He has a right in Islam to take more than one wife, and you have already accepted this when you married him whilst believing that he was already married.

    You are feeling depressed, because you feel that you are helpless in this situation - but do not despair because you are not helpless. There are many options that you can take, but before you take them you must decide what you want for the future, and what kind of life you seek to live. Once you have distinguished your aims and goals, then the path towards them will become clearer for you and you will find yourself much empowered by your own ability to make a change in your life (whether that change be in your marriage, your husband, or you and your children). Once we are set firmly upon a goal, everything between us and that goal becomes very very clear. Every option available for you will be beset with some problems, some hardships, and so happiness - there is no easy option or hard option -everything we choose comes with struggle, endurance and success. Because there is no easy solution to any problem, and because most course of action will have equal pain and happiness involved, one must make a clear decision on what they want and then take clear, decisive action towards achieving it. You will suffer whatever you do - so you may as well do that which takes you to peace and Iman and keeps you focused on the straight path.

    Regarding what you should do - I am afraid my Sister, that is a decision only you can make. Istikhara will help you and guide you, and I pray for you and for peace to come to your heart.



  2. salaam 'alaykum sister.

    your husband has cheated on you and has polluted your bed, and with his type of attitude [finding excuses saying its part of him], you will never ever taste the sweetness of your home/bed again.
    you will forever keep getting hurt.

    he is an infection upon you,he is a burden upon your shoulders waiting to be taken off, and he will corrupt your children.

    so i would advise you to Ask Allaah [swt] to replace him with a better husband for you who will not cause you any grief, Allaah will certainly answer your du'aa without a shadow of a doubt.
    and you have a full custody to the child since he is a cheating faasiq.

    when mother of believers Umm Habeebah [whom Allaah is pleased with] migrated to abysinia in the first higrah, her husband, whom she loved with aaaaaaaaaaall her heart and had a daughter from, namely 'Ubaydillaah ibn jahsh apostated ['iyaathanbillaah]

    Umm habeebah put her hands towards the sky at the time when she was most shaken by this terrible trail and she asked Allaah to replace for her a better husband for.
    and Allaah married her to the prophet[saww].

    when mother of believers Umm Salamah[whom Allaah is pleased with] suffered the terrible trail of her husbands death Abuu Salamah as a martyr, both him and her made du'aa to Allaah to give umm salamh a husband who will not cause her any grief. but she asked herself, who can be better than abuu salamah[ra]?
    the elite asked for her hand, Abuu bakr, and 'Umar, she refused both of them, and Allaah married her to the prophet[saww].

    Umm Sulaim ansaariah [whom Allaah is pleased with], when her husband maalik ibn nadhar caused her grief and started violence in the house as she became muslim, after the news reached her that he got murdered in syria on a bussiness trip, she asked Allaah to replace for her a better husband for him,
    so Abuu talhah zayd al ansaari married her after he beacame a muslim, and her mahr was his islaam.

    before the revelation, the prophet[saww] married his two middle daughters Umm khulthuum and Ruqayyah
    to the two sons of Abuu Lahab 'Utbah ibn Abee Lahab and 'Utaybah ibn abee lahab, but by the grace of Allaah, these two men did not cohabit with the daughters of the prophet[saww] yet.
    when the prophet[saww] was given revelation, the two sons punished the daughters of the prophet[saww] on the order of their mother umm jameel, and the narrations say 'Utbah TOOK OUT the eye of the daughter whom he was married to.and then they finnaly devorced them to give the prophet[saww] a hard blow.
    he asked Allaah to give them a better husband, and 'Uthmaan married them one after the other.and to send dogs to the crimal sons of abuu lahab.

    so ask Allaah for a better husband who will not torture you phsycologically, and leave this player.
    two years of no happiness, of sadness, constant worry of what he's upto, constant anxiety, fear is more too much to cope with.

    i would never advice you to get divorced, but it is only because he finds excuses for his ways.t6hus he will never fix himself illa bi'ithnillah.
    a grown slave who doesnot realise his mistake will not better himself.

    there are many good muslim men out there for you.
    both married and unmarried.

  3. Advise husband to marry more women and refrain from zina

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