Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was married forcefully – I really need help it’s urgent

AOA, i am 20 year old i want to tell you my problem from the start so 2 years ago when i was all ready to go for my futher studies my rishta came and it was one of old neighbour of my father, at first i wasnt ready at all like litreally i wasnt ready i told my parents i dont want to be in any realtionship right now, i want to study further but my parents somehow convinced. i used to cry everynight and day just  but my parents were like do it they are nice and all okay i agreed like whatever u guys want to do it and without any inquiry and without any istekhara my parents said yes and we got engaged after that things were going all good, he was fine he was understanding he was listening to my things and i was listening to his but after one year our family decided for the nikah and after the nikah has been decided he started to get changed, change in everything change in behavious his anger was that much an issue that he used to shout on me on very small things he started to become dominating like he said do this and if i not say yes on the spot he will get angry and give me mental tourtures. i did nothing i remained quiet and tried to understand and handle him but he was getting out of control thing he used to say was sending nudes and doing nose piercing and all I was uncomfortable by them. I used to say him khi will do all this things once I am your wife means after nikah but he created a big fuss and turned to be - I dont know what to say - a super dominating a guy who can never listen a noo means my wish and my choice doenst matter at all.

then at the time of nikah i told my parents about it and i told them that i dont want to get nikahfied not rukhsati so they refused they just thought to have a conversation with his  parents he said he is sorry and wont do this again and my parents told me kh he will changed after nikah u should give a try. I said okay apki baat maan laiti hoon but I only wanted from my parents was that at least do istekhara cuz my mind my heart was not ready at all but they didnt listen to it.

I did istekhara my self and wasnt statisfied at all for how many time i did the result was same but as I cant argue with my parents. I obeyed them again and did nikah in the hope that he will change in sha Allah but soon after the month of nikah he started again. he used to tourture me too much. I wasn't able to sleep at night u used to cry and get in deep depression I obeyed him soo much I did things he used to tell me he used to make sure that my way of talking should be of his demand my way of thinking should be of his type the way he thinks okay he also used to say that dress like I say and all and I did that cuz he was my husband I was supposed  to dressed up like him and even thought he told me to put sandoor on your forehead and send me pictures of that he told me to do this daily send me this day and all and I did that whatever he says I did , now problem was my way of thinking and my way of talking I cant change cuz that was built in me.

I was polite he used to shout abuse and say alot of things but the only thing I did was sabr then he told me one thing the he liked to be dressed up as a girl and u being (means i) being his husband but he forced me to talk like this and act like this and have a convo like and tell him that what I will do when i becomes his husband. this thing was soo annoying to me soo soo annoying to that I get depressed hell lot but then after 3-4 months of my sabr and all I lost my patience and I said to him and answered him strongly but that made him more angry. he again shouted abused me and said soo many things to me that I cant even mention here.

I stopped talking to him cuz I was not bareable he called my mom and told my thing not his and made me a promise that u wont tell his things about being a girl to anyone and as my husbands respect I didnt opened this and all those blames he put on me which were all false. I listened and try to make my parents understand that I am not wrong. I did everything he wanted but still he have issue with me. he is not happy with me. I just dont know what he wanted. I obeyed him completely then he is having I didnt obey then he was having problem. he was like only say jee to all my things u have no right to say no to your husband and I did that too and said all jees to all his demands even it was my will or not.

I was trying to love him to get closer to him but my heart wasnt excepting him at all, like the first time he hold my hand I cried I dont know y but I felt hell insecured and I cried a lot. after that I told my mom about my feeling wanting her to understand them but she blamed me only and said I was wrong and he is right he will get okay after marriage don't worry. I said no mom i am just not feeling it right.

I am not satisfied with my nikah I tried a lot to love him but I just his attitude his anger make me more far from him and the bond btw was just for his needs and his demands there was no love btw us.

month before our marriage I told my parents i cant do this I cant go with him i just can't. i did istekhara again and again but still the same result. I recited surah yaseen continuously but my heart was still not satisfied not happy at all. when i completely said no my parents made a meeting with his parents again and my parents and me and him he again said sorry for his behavior but then also I said that he has been saying sorry since soo long and no use of it i asked for the garnatee but he said no garantuee of it and them my mom dad again pressurized me for doing it by emotionally blackmailing.

I tried to make my parents understand I wanted them to take stand for me to support me atleast but they used to blame and not at all was understanding they get emotional made my father told me to please get married to him. he cried in front of me and my mother cried too and then as a daughter I cant see my parents cry cuz of me so then I said okay I will do in which u guys are happy cuz they were litreally crying and forcing me cuz all they think was having rich family and good inlaws is blessing whether your partner is good or not at least they are good. na I keep telling them I dont have to live with my inlaws, but still nothing happened.

i shouldnt be saying this but on that day I lost trust on my parents cuz those who i thought will consider me and and my happiness more was all wrong and then I kept my feeling aside once again just for my parents sake again and prayed for my life and yes okay i will then after I get married.

things were good in starting of week okay I was still virgin till that time and he was getting satisfied by just discharging on me and he thought I am satisfied too but his behaviour his nature and that scared of his anger I wasnt able to say him that no I am not satisfied cuz he get satisfied in just 1 mins max. they was no understanding btw us just he used to get satisfied on me every night and I was left unsatisfactory but still I prayed kh no things will get fined. I prayed daily stayed good with him but still i will say my heart wasnt excepting him at all. I just dont y was that I think cuz of my unsatisfactory thing but then after a week of my marriage on our honeymoon he got in soo much anger and abused me was all out of anger then I stopped and controlled him but he hold my neck and pulled me up by the door I thought i will die almost there only, I started to recited durood pak and ayat ul kursi  continously and tried to control but still then he didn't. after few hours he came back and said sorry to me, I again said its okay although it was a very big pain for me but still i made him okay and said its fine and I only did was sabr and pray I didnt even told this to my parents cuz I know they wont understand me they will say its okay so I didnt preferred to tell them then after that till now.

its been 5 months to our marriage and I am still virgin and the same thing is repeated he get discharged soo early that I cant even say that it isnt done yet but I am only doing is sabr. I am here at my parents home right now for my exams but just before my arrival he fought with me and shout and did very very strange things like he disowned me he said u are nothing to me he blamed me everytime that I havent done anything for him and this blame is forever like I complete his demands, I make him love, I approach him the way he wants to, I do all the things he wants, but his behaviours his attitude his anger is not letting me live giving me mental disturbances. in these 5 months he has been in this situation many time even thought he told me that go and sleep with another man I dont want you he said this many times, disowned me many times told me that he dont love me , he will not love me ever nor he will trust me ever he said these things soo many times and HE NEVER PRAISES ME NEVER AS A HUSBAND SHOULD AND LOVE ME LIKE A HUSBAND SHOULD but still I didnt  said anything and stayed quiet, just keep sabr.

the more I try to get close to him, to get closer to him and to love him, but in the end I can't. I am not happy. I am doing things a wife should do but my things, my wants, my life is all forgotten. my wishes my choices are never considered. now I am dont want to live with him anymore. I just cant live him, my parents told me before that they are rich inlaws are good what if husband is not good he will get better but what happen now is after this much money I am not happy internally, my heart is not at all satisfied and my inlaws are just an audience when ever he behaves like this. we all live together my father in law dont know anything as my mother in law keep this in notice that he didnt get to know all this and rest of all just react as audiences.

and then one day my mother in law asked me arent u angry on us that we get u married by this man. i am was just left speechless then she said thats is y i ask my daughter to pray for her good naseeb. and what about me, am I not a daughter of any man.

my problem is I dont  have anyone to support me or understand me not even my parents. I will tell them they will blame me and scold and touture me more. I just dont know what to do. I always pray ALLAH kh please make my heart at peace, I always ask for forgiveness everytime in every prayer, Ipray tahajud everytime but my mind my heart is still. I only cry to ALLAH. I only ask him for ways and do mercy on me cuz the more I try to get closer to him the more I become far from him 😭 I really need help I hope someone will guide me and get me rid of all this 😭 I am not even ready to have kids now cuz he is not responsible at all he just dont want to go to work. he today also say that he wants to grow his hair long like girl and want me to make hairstyles like girl and he litreally is growing his hair and planning everything daily for hairstyles and all I dont know what to do what to say to anyone I just dont want to stay with him all I think is I am just his need for sexual things thats it my feelings I am crying or I am sad doesnt matter to him at all 😭😭PLEASE HELP ME

nimi123

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12 Responses »

  1. Sister. I'm very distraught, angry and saddened to hear what you are going through. Angry because your family don't seem to support their own daughter and the way your husband is treating you what you have described tantamount to nothing but domestic abuse which can't be tolerated in any relationship. It's wrong.

    If you are based in the UK there are many organisations that support people like you I know they will provide some help. Definitely more than your family. And I don't mean that you should start disrespecting your parents but start to be more independent.

    It saddens me to hear what you are going through. Even if you think no-one else is supporting you or helping you know that Allah never abandons his servants when they call upon him so have faith and do not lose hope.

    I will pray that you will find a way out of this mess. You will be remembered in my duas. Ameen

    "Allah does not burden a soul more than what it can bear"

    • Dear Sister nimi123:

      Abu says:

      "Even if you think no-one else is supporting you or helping you know that Allah never abandons his servants when they call upon him so have faith and do not lose hope."

      Please start by remembering this. It is so important sweetheart.

      Nor

  2. your parents are disgustingly selfish and greedy. talk to some elder from your family who is educated and can understand the problem. tell everything and your parents reaction abt your depression.

  3. Assalamu alaikum,

    Please find a way to leave this situation as soon as possible.

    You have satisfied your parents more than enough to the detriment of your own happiness with this indecent husband. So do not sacrifice any more of your life or waste time with that revolting man, so much so that his own mother asked aren't you angry they gave you their son.

    Find someone you can completely trust but first you must explain properly to your parents what you are going through. The fact that he wants to wear your clothes might make them understand better- so tell them.

    In'sha' Allah you find peace and freedom from this

  4. Dearest Sister nimi123,

    I'm so so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your story is absolutely heartbreaking.

    Please know, first of all and most importantly, that Allah (swt) is ALWAYS with you, even though and especially when you feel that no one is. Please do not allow yourself to feel too alone with your worries and trials, and reach out to Him whenever it is necessary in all your tears and fears, even if it is every other minute.

    Secondly, you have us. Anytime you feel that your problems are unbearable and you cannot go on, please write in and vent all of your feelings. Inshallah you got some relief from writing your story. The ability to write is truly a most loving blessing from Allah and one that is, Alhamdulillah, available at your disposal any and every time you need to cry out for help!

    I'm not sure of the resources you have available in your area, but here's what I would recommend in your situation:

    Please see if you can find a way to get to a local mosque and ask some sisters who the sheikh or Imam is. Ask where, when, and how you can arrange to meet with him. Print out this page, your story, and take it with you to the meeting with the Imam.

    Verbally explain your story to the Imam as best you can with as many details as you feel comfortable sharing, and give this page to him to read, either at the meeting or on his own time. Explain that you want a divorce from your abusive husband, but that you don't even know where to start, as your parents are entirely unsupportive and emotionally abusive towards you.

    Explain that you need a temporary place to stay with some kind sisters, and ask him if he or the organizers at the mosque can set you up with a kind sister who is willing to help, and give you a place to stay temporarily until you reach a reconciliation with your parents or for at least a short time. There are often some kind sisters at the mosque who would be willing to help in situations like yours.

    Ask the sister to help you locate your local domestic violence hotline and shelter, where you can go next if your parents are not coming around. This is a safe place that you can stay for a period of time that will 1.) give you a chance to breathe away from the pressures of your parents and husband 2.) Give you guidance on how to proceed in your specific situation. 3.) Present you with housing options in your area for those like you 4.) Have legal resources available

    If you feel more comfortable doing so and have the resources and energy, you could skip the step of going to your local mosque and go straight to a domestic violence shelter on your own. You can research this on the internet or call the police for information...whichever is most comfortable for you.

    It may take your parents this time away from you, and of your showing them that your needs are important by leaving your husband yourself, to come around. They may stop pressuring you in the end, but with these additional resources at your disposal, you will have other options. Take as much time away from your husband and your parents as you need, sweetheart, and do not answer any phone calls that could potentially stress you out or make you feel uncomfortable, whether they be from your parents or your husband. You owe yourself this time to yourself.

    Also, as soon as it is viable to do so, please seek the resources of a professional therapist, social worker, or counselor. It will help you immensely to talk about your difficulties with someone trained in the field of emotional support.

    One of the most important things to remember in your situation is to take one step at a time. Do not think too far ahead or worry that things won't work out. Take each step...talking to an Imam, talking to a sister, talking to a domestic violence shelter, talking to a housing coordinator, and talking to a therapist...as it comes, and don't worry about the next step until you have taken the previous one. With each step taken, the next one will become that much easier. You have already taken the first step to your future happiness by sharing your story with us!

    All of this may sound overwhelming at first, but things will Inshallah be resolved with your parents in a matter of a year or two once they understand that your feelings and needs are important. In the end, most parents do want what's best for their children, even if it takes them some time away from them to realize what that is.

    Most important is for you to make this upcoming journey about YOU and not about your parents or your husband.

    Please be so kind to yourself sister. Kinder to yourself that you've ever been before. Do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, follow your own feelings and instincts in every moment, and even if they change every moment. Go to bed on time regardless of what is happening around you, and drink lots of water even if you don't feel like it.

    Listen to yourself breathe. Count "1" when you breathe in, and "2" when you breathe out. Repeat this several times until you are thinking only about your breathing, and do this anytime your environment or experience becomes too overwhelming.

    Thank you so much for writing in, telling us what you are going through, and giving us the opportunity, indeed, the honor, to help you. I have made a special dua for you sister.

    You will see the sunshine again, Inshallah, and will lead the beautiful life that you deserve.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  5. Sister, in my humble opinion, your husband is homosexual. You may think now: this cannot be! However, according to the Kinsey-Report, about 4% of all males are purely homosexual. This means, that in 1 of 25 forced marriages one is married to a homosexual. Your husband himself may not be fully aware of this and deny it to others and even himself. I suspect that he himself is struggling to accept this as a fact; therefore he is trying to suppress his desire for other men, but in vain. I think, the desperate attempts to suppress his homosexual leanings cause him great suffering and internal stress, which regularly boils over causing his outbreaks of abuse and violance. Maybe he was pressured into this marriage with you by his family, maybe he himself hoped that a marriage, the close contact with a woman would change his sexual orientation (which is a prevalent misbelief, but of course does not work). He may be an otherwise amiable Person, and you could be good friends, but i think he feels trapped in this marriage he never really wanted: this would explain why he was nice to you before nikah was decided.
    What you need to do now is following: find out whether he really is homosexual or not: after all, I could be wrong with my theory. Observe how he looks at other men. Observe how he looks at other women. Does he show any interest in other women at all? Try to gain access to his computer (if he has one) and search for Video and picture files on his hard drive which could contain homosexual pornography and check his browser history to find out whether he visited websites with homosexual content. You could simply ask him, but this comes with the risk of another outbreak of violance and abuse, so if you do, you should do it under safe circumstances (for example with your parents or someone else who can protect you in the adjacent room). If you manage to gain certainty, you should openly talk with your husband about this problem. For if I am correct with my suspicion, the only reasonable solution is a consensual divorce, and talking about it openly can help to achieve it with minimal loss of reputation.

    • Crazybull,

      His crossdressing could also be a sign of gender-dysphoric behavior (where one feels they should be of the opposite gender and are in the "wrong" body), rather than homosexual tendencies.

      Nor

  6. Sister nimi123,

    Also, when you pack to go to the sister's house or the shelter, just take a couple of bags with you, with some clothes, shoes, and essentials (like toothbrush, phone, a small paper notebook, etc.).

    Hugs,

    Nor

  7. Dear sis, You seem like an innocent girl like me, please don worry, Just be strong and have faith in ALLAH. There is always goood behind it, he is testing your patience to see if you willl remember. I think it is sweet when daughters obey their parents no matter what. I see there are several girls who elope or something like tht. I was also was in arranged marriage, he was also very sexually too me and mean infront of people. He is no more with me because he didnt respect me, my father supported me and told me to get rid of him. I wish you were my sister , because you seem like a girl who needs a sisterly help

    hugssss
    have faith and msg me if u need me

  8. ASSLAM ALAIKUM
    SISTER I MAKE SPECIAL DUA FOR YOU INSHALLAH WITHIN COUPLE OF DAYS ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS WILL SOLVED INSHALLAH.IN THIS TIME OF SUFFERING YOU SHOULD PRAY TO ALLAH AND IM TOO MUCH SHOCKED THAT YOU TOLERATE THAT MUCH I NEVER HEARD A CASE LIKE THIS BEFORE
    YOUR STORY IS MUCH SIMILAR TO MY MOTHERS STORY SHE SUFFERED LIKE IN HELL FOR 30 YEARS
    IM NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME BUT JUST TO GAVE YOU HOPE THAT MANY PEOPLE LIKE YOU AROUND THE CORNERS OF THE WORLD WILL BE SUFFERING FROM THE SAME SITUATION AS YOU SUFFERED SERIOUSLY NOW FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE MY MOTHER IS NOW HAPPY AND THE TESTS OF HER LIFE IS OVER.SHE WORKED LIKE A MAID FOR WHOLE OF MY KHANDAN FOR ABOUT 30 YEARS AND WHAT SHE GETS IN RETURNS FROM MOST OF THEM IS TAUNTING,BALMING....ETC.I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN MY MOTHER TELL HER STORY TO ME SHE IS NOW OLD,PHYSICALLY BECOME WEAK WITH MULTIPLE DANGEROUS LIFE THREATNING DISEASES LIKE HEPATITAS C,BONE ARTHRITIS,LIVER AND HEART PATIENT ALSO WHY THIS ALL HAPPENS JUST BECAUSE SHE SERVED THE WHOLE BUNCH OF DULLARDS(MY KHANDAN) AND MY DAD REMAINS IDOL THROUGHT OUT THE WHOLE 30 YEARS FIRST THING HE WAS NOT HERE IN PAKISTAN HE WAS IN ABU DHABI.SHE SUFFERED ALOT LIKE YOU AND HIS HUSBAND MY DAD WAS NOT WITH HER WHILE SHE WAS SUFFERING AND SUFFERING ALONE,HER MOTHER MY GRAND MOTHER FROM MY MOTHER SIDE DIED SHORTLY AFTER HER MARRIAGE AND MY GRAND FATHER ALSO DIED SO SHE IS ALONE NO ONE IS PRESENT IN THAT TIME EXCEPT HER TWO SISTER MY SWEET LOVELY KHALAS
    THEY ARE ONLY ONCES THAT HELPS MY MOTHER SO MUCH AND MAKE SPECIAL DUA FOR MY MOTHER AND CRIED SO MUCH WHICH I HEARD FROM MY KHALAS SON'S AND NOW SHE IS HAPPY
    I AND MY MOTHER FEEL LIKE WE ARE IN HELL IN THESE 3 YEARS WHY BECAUSE MY SISTER IS GETTING OLDER SHE IS 29 AND IS NOT MARRIED UNTIL SHE WAS FINALLY ENGAGED BUT BEFORE THAT TIME MY MOTHER IS SO MUCH WORRIED ABOUT HER AFTER SUFFERING FOR ABOUT 30 YEARS NOW SHE HAS TO SUFFERED THAT TENSION WHICH NORMALLY EVERY PARENTS IN PAKISTAN GOES THROUGH THIS SITUATION.NOW A DAYS SHE WAS TO MUCH TENSED AND VERY SICK DUE TO TENSION FINALLY ALLAH GRANTS HER REQUEST AND MY SISTER IS NOW ABOUT TO BE MARRIED AFTER TWO MONTHS FROM NOW ON INSHALLAH.SHE IS HAPPY,NOT HEALTHY PHYSICALLY BUT STILL SHE IS NOW MENTALLY STABALIZED FEW YEARS BACK SHE ALMOST GOT MAD DUE TO EXTREME TENSION AND OTHER PRESSURES WHICH I CAN'T TELL BUT YOU KNOW WHY I TELL YOU MY PERSONAL STORY BECAUSE YOU AT SAME SITUATION IN WHICH MY MOM WAS BEFORE.SO BELIEVE ME ALLAH GRANTS YOUR DUA AND WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY.
    MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU AND GAVE YOU ALL THINGS YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE.
    ALLAH HAFIZ.

  9. May Allah swt grant you peace of mind and a new husband in your life Aameen.

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