I work hard to support family financially while husband does nothing
"I work twelve hours a day and all the money goes to my husband."
Dear Mr. Wael, and brothers and sisters in islam,
I got married to a man i didn't knew him before,. it was arranged marriage by. my sister she. knew his brother whom they were in love they got married and i married to my sister husband's. brother as they told me he is good muslim praying and stuff. we made together wedding last year in june 2007.
my sister is ok as they love each other her and the husband and spoke about their issues before got married..
me from 1st month of marriage had problems because step by step had to find out many things which i was not told or my sister and her husband told other things to me (about his education back ground etc). i agree when we married to help in house wz money untill he will get a new job a better one, he hardly try to find one as i make the flat full with my furniture in it. i brought my furniture as he didn't have money to buy, and. in top of. that i start to put. all my salary in the home and sending money to my family or "his family" back home,. as his father was sick or his brother need it for school.
I stopped to put money now for 2 months in the house and told him he is the man. I think I . helped long enough. I got also family to look after mother and father as we are only 2 me and my sister. she is the youngest so i feel i got some responsability on their side as well.. so my husband told me if i do not help with money in the house not to work anymore coz I am wasting his time (but when I was giving all the money at home buying clothes, food, paying for rent for 6 months in this marriage), so. I told him i need to save money for my self or for my kids to come. and help my family as well. He said no if you do not help anymore do not go work (HE repeat this several times).
And also i wanted to tell u that he divorced me 2 times in 6 months, once was when after 3 months of marriage. I found out that he has loan in the bank which. I did not know about it (while I was paying everything He didn't have. guts to tell me this).. How my life would be safe anymore?? Every time if. I ask something or I want to know about. any plans for future he never ever discuss or take my opinion he said I am the Man I know what I am. doing.
Please do advise: he wants me to blindly. pay everthing, work 12 hrs shifts because. I work in the airport, not have the right to ask anything if he wants. to get any decision he just goes ahead (about anything never. ever tell me even) after it happends it's telling me. Not telling me if he goes anywhere, where ever he goes never call me and tell me while I am working do hard. So he prefers me. not to have any money, if I do not give anythingto be at. home, (Newly) depend on him and later on i will be in street if he divorce for 3rd time.
I am sorry can not do this to myself!! I better be divorce than have a kid and suffer while I must be his what??!! Is this supposed to be islam??? Is it . in Islam for man to ask money from his wife??. And put conditions this way? I payed the rent for 6 months. I bought food, clothes for me and him. and evertyhing at home, from spoons to the. 2 bedroom flat including the furniture.. What u think of that Mr. Wael? and what is ur advice?
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Salam alaikum Sister,
Im sorry to hear of your predicament. It seems from your letter that you were misinformed about this brother's true character and are now expieriencing it for yourself. Although it is the responsibility of the man in Islam to take care of the necessities to the degree in which he is capable, I do not see that he has any physical or mental handicaps that prevent him from working.
4:34 "MEN SHALL take full care of women with the bounties which God has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions..."
It really comes down to how you feel about supporting him, his family, and your family. As Allah, says in the Quran,
9:121 "And whenever they spend anything [for the sake of God], be it little or much, and whenever they move on earth [in God's cause] -it is recorded in their favour, and God will grant them the best reward for all that they have been doing."
As the wife, you may view this support as an act of charity in which Allah rewards us as women for doing. Sometimes husbands can be "down on their luck" so to speak and need support from time to time. If this is not the case with your husband and you feel you need a husband that can take care of you financially, which is also your right, you do not have to wait around for him to give you the 3rd divorce which would mean that you would have to leave after the 3 month waiting period and remarry before he could take you back, even if you both wished reconcilliation.
2:229 " A divorce may be [revoked] twice, whereupon the marriage must either be resumed in fairness or dissolved in a goodly manner. And it is not lawful for you to take back anything of what you have ever given to your wives unless both [partners] have cause to fear that they may not be able to keep within the bounds set by God: hence, if you have cause to fear that the two may not be able to keep within the bounds set by God, there shall be no sin upon either of them for what the wife may give up [to her husband] in order to free herself. These are the bounds set by God; do not, then, transgress them: for they who transgress the bounds set by God-it is they, they who are evildoers!"
If you have not had the chance, perhaps try to approach him when he is in a good mood and express to him your feelings and concerns about your relationship. If he is not willing to accept any reasonable requests, you may have to simple state that you are not willing to continue the relationship under these circumstances.
Inshallah, your situation will improve.
Salams,