Islamic marriage advice and family advice

If my older sister marries a non-Pakistani, I must marry a Pakistani

Emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail.

As-salamu alaykum,

I am very confused on what to do. I am 23 and have an older sister who is 26. We live in America but I am first generation so my parents and I have a generation gap between us. I always try to listen to my parents and have planned on marrying someone Muslim to make them happy, but not necessarily from the same culture. My mom says that if my sister chooses to marry someone not from our culture, that will bring our family shame and that I must marry someone Pakistani and will be left with no other option. I feel that is unfair because a year ago, I asked if I could marry anyone Muslim, but not Pakistani and eventually my mom said yes. Now I feel trapped and confined to just Pakistani men and feel it is unfair. My parents moved their whole lives to America so that we would have opportunities so I feel guilty not listening but at the same time I feel bullied because she lets my older sister decide who to marry, and I will have to pay the price for it.

Please help me figure out how to convince my mom to allow me to marry who I want (as long as they are Muslim). It is hard to stand up to her because I live at home and she yells at me and makes fun of me if I do not listen to her.  If you could guide me in some sort of direction or offer any sort of help (even if it is telling me that I am wrong) please let me know.

 

Thank you,

-Confused Sister


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10 Responses »

  1. "O Mankind, We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other. Verily the most honored of you in the sight of God is he who is the most righteous of you" (Quran 49:13).

    There is nothing there saying it is better to marry a Pakistani, an Arab, or whatever. The tribes are that we can know each other - but it does not say that we should stay apart.

    O people, Remember that your Lord is One. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a black has no superiority over white, nor a white has any superiority over black, except by piety and good action (Taqwa). Indeed the best among you is the one with the best character (Taqwa). Listen to me. Did I convey this to you properly? People responded, Yes. O messenger of God, The Prophet then said, then each one of you who is there must convey this to everyone not present. (Excerpt from the Prophet's Last Sermon as in Baihiqi)

  2. I know you feel bad and you want to keep your parents happy. Just remember that obeying and honouring your parents does not mean restricting your opportunities for marriage, motherhood and happiness. Your parents moved to America because they wanted to. They moved to America to have a better life for themselves and their families. THEY chose to leave their culture, their parents, and their religioius environment behind.

    You were raised muslim and American. You do not live in Pakistan, and never will. Urdu will never become a language in America - your children will only need to be bilingual in English and Spanish.

    You do not have a duty to make your parents feel better about their decision to move, by marrying someone within a certain ethnic circle.

    It is hard enough finding a muslim to marry, when muslims are a minority. Why are your parents forcing you to further restrict your options so that the only muslim you can marry must be Pakistani?

    Please think long and hard about what your parents are asking you to do. Do you really think that in 100 years, your progeny will look back on their family tree and think "OMG this person did not marry a Pakistani!!!" Pakistan did not exist 100 years ago, and I am sorry to say it might not exist 100 years from now.

    Follow Islam.

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    i know it can be unfair when your mother gave you the go sign in marrying outside your ethnic group but suddenly changed her mind.

    i hear this all the time about shame to the family and such. but really what kind of shame are they talking about? explain to your mother so many Pakistani families marrying outside their ethnic group in the society you live in, its nothing new. its true you will have someone who say negative things usually family, in due time will come around but most people don't care and will give you their blessing.

    the moment you think too much what people might say, that's when problem arises. explain to your mum even if your older sis got married outside her ethnic group that will bring your family shame and that you must marry someone Pakistani, that will not solve the problem the shame will remain.

    peace..

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    Keeping in mind that you marry a Muslim man through halal means (even if that involves having an Imam intervene if your parents refuse a legitimate proposal), what you are really struggling with is following through with your choices while facing your parent's rejection.

    1. If you must do what your parents want, will you be able to live a lifetime with their decision and still make your spouse happy?

    2. If you marry someone who is Muslim, but not Pakistani necessarily, will you be able to face problems with your family and parents and possibly the community?

    From the above two options, you have to choose which one you can live with and really, those are the two worst scenarios.

    Your parents are wrong to limit you in marrying someone Pakistani and I wouldn't be surprised if they begin imposing other restrictions on your potential future husband like a particular caste etc. If you want to be a slave to the rules of unIslamic cultures/traditions, most likely it will be suffocating and there will just be more and more conditions. On the other hand, if you choose to exercise your Islamic rights, you will have inner peace even if you face turmoil on the outside. Inner peace is priceless.

    May Allah ease your problems, Ameen.

  5. There were so many "forced marriage" cases in this website already; the recent poster has developed depression because of this practice. You do not want to be one of these victims.

    There should be no race, no class in choosing a partner. Your parents concern is understandable but they are so wrong if they insist. You have absolute right to say no when they try to fix a marriage for you. DO NOT TEMPT TO SAY YES IF HE IS NOT THE ONE REGARDLESS HE IS PAKISTANIAN OR NOT.

    Having said that, not all Pakistan men are horrible. Why you are so rejecting the idea of marry one? Isn't it also a form of prejudice towards your same kind? Inshallah, there may be one that you like with good deen, good education and inshallah you both are mutually attracted to each other. No need to bring out a battle before you see someone UNLESS you already have someone who are non Pakistan in your mind that you would like to marry. If that is the case, you'd better speak now or it is too late. But remember the hadith talking about marriage: “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion." It is the same applying for a woman to marry a man.

    Stand firm but be respectful, you have all the right to say no.

  6. Unfortunately for you, Pakistan will remain on the map of this world forever. So please mind your tongue when you write that Pakistan won't remain. Pakistan was created after much struggle and even after when it was newly, a lot of people claimed that it would disappear within a period of two to three years. But it did not. It still remains and it will remain!

    • Is kind of on a downward spiral. Whose worse as a leader -- that husband of Bhutto who was in jail on corruption charges for 20 years, or the former cricket player? It may become a failed state in the future, like Somalia or Afghanistan (please note I am not blaming either nation for its victimization). If you recall, Bill Clinton in the 90's stopped a potential nuclear war between India and Pakistan.

      Food for thought.

  7. i really don't understand the concept behind settling in non muslim state at all.... and secondly understanding that the whole mankind is same , choose anyone...! if your parents are saying something it is for your own good.... marrying a pakistani guy would mean what raising your children as a pakistani, giving a learned and educated generation to pakistan... actually serving your nation... one must think that if nationality does not matters then why do we have borders... ? one wrong step produces wrong offsprings for the rest of the generations... and remember it is not that a piece of land exists and belongs to the locals known as pakistan...! it is the ideology, a difference to good and bad... the world, what more but pakistanis themselves have never ever understood thier country and instead of delivering to their own country they always decide to go for cowardly shortcut like apply for immigration, marry a non pakistani, asylum requests so just to find the glitterous but actualy inhuman society of west.... so even if somebody looks for such ways how can he/she be true to her own motherland?

    • This is not progressive thinking and it is why immigrants are very fixated on "back home" and forcing their children to adopt the cultural attitudes of the land they left behind.

      There is no such thing as "wrong offspring". I am shocked that you even used that phrase. This is a very dangerous concept to be floating around. All offspring are gifts from Allah, regardless of "borders". Remember that Allah SWT has created tribes amongst us, not for divisive purposes but so that we can know and love one another. The Pakistani border that you love so much was created by the British. It is of no consequence to future generations who live elsewhere. There is nothing wrong with being patriotic but don't turn that into an Islamic matter and don't let that restrict women from getting married to good men and having beautiful health children.

  8. Sister, I am pretty much involved in the same situation as yours. I am 16 and my parents plan to get me married quite soon, in fact my mom keeps on talking about marriage all the time now. She thinks that this generation is getting too "mature" and marriage is the only solution. However, what she doesn't highlight is that there is a whole generation gap between us. Tastes have changed. Point of views have changed. Parents need to understand. If my mom married a Pakistani ( Yes,we have a Pakistani background too) it doesn't necessarily mean that her daughter is supposed to marry a Pakistani from the same community, same culture as her.

    What is wrong if I get bonded with a Palestinian? I love an Arab here and he is whom I want to marry. I could post my question separately but I feel there are other cases I need to concentrate on now.

    For now, I'd like to tell you try to make your mom understand. Isn't a guy from a different background as human as a Pakistani? We all are made from clay,we all are the descendants of Adam (AS)....It is our pride and ego that separates one nation from another. Your mom loves you,so does mine but this is their point of view that needs to change. I am literally in tears writing this because just as you, I have spent hours fighting with my parents to not get me married with a Pakistani ( I have been receiving proposals). I want to study for now...and then I want to get married to my Palestinian boy.

    Please keep me in your prayers. I haven't been of much help but hope things get easy for all of us In Sha Allah 🙂

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