Islamic marriage advice and family advice

If my parents won’t let us marry, are they responsible if we commit zina?


I have a question. If parents do not allow their young kids to get marry and insist that they should complete their degree first and get a job (even to girls)... If they know that their kids are in relationship but still do not allow them to get marry and make it harder on their children to control their natural desire of sex... And if the children insist on getting married to save themselves from sin but their parents still do not allow them to get marry... Who will be responsible if they commit zina or find other ways to satisfy their sex need?

I'm asking this because I'm going through it and it's so hard. I'm 20 years old and live in US and I have been in a relationship with a guy for more than 2 years now and we really want to get married (or just nikkah) as soon as possible so that we won't commit any such sin, but our parents won't let us do that at least for the next 4 years and now we are becoming really concerned about this. We are both young and mature (my boyfriend is 25) and we really dont want to find any false way to satisfy ourselves. We just want a legal relationship. we love each other and we just want to enter into a pure relation.

I'm not a very religious person, but I do offer my namaz daily, i recite Quran and now I'm doing it even more to divert my mind from such thought and I do know that it's a sin and if I commit it Allah wont be happy with me. I pray a lot to Allah to help us in getting married, so that we won't do any wrong to each other and save ourselves from this sin, I'm becoming very disturbed now. It's true that in my society it's very common and open to have physical relationships, but I do not want to become a part of this culture and I do not want to be physically intimate with a man who is not in my nikkah. I cry my eyes out in namaz and ask Allah to forgive me for such thoughts and desires and ask Him to help us in getting us into a halal relationship and I do pray that our parents will understand this someday.

In this condition, if we somehow have sex or even just show off our bodies will our parents be responsible for this? Or is Allah testing us?


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23 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    We are all responsible for our own actions, so you cannot justify committing a haraam act because someone else has prevented you from marrying - on the Day of Judgement we will each stand alone before Allah, and be accountable for our own deeds and choices. Your parents have had a duty to teach you Islamic values, but aren't to blame for any sins you commit of your own free will.

    Pre-marital, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships aren't acceptable in Islam, as we are warned not to even come near to zina. Islamically, there is no couple without nikah.

    It might help to discuss the matter with your parents and ask them why they are opposed to you marrying this boy - they may have valid concerns about his deen or character, or may be worried about your education, or may have concerns about how you would support yourselves as a married couple? Once you know the reasons for their refusal, you can think about them yourself - you may wish to re-consider wanting to marry him (eg if your parents have learned he has an unpleasant character) or to plan counter-arguments to support your case for marriage (eg having nikah but delaying civil registration of the marriage and moving in until after you both graduate from college/university).

    Remember that the role of a wali isn't to make life difficult for you - as your wali, your father has a responsibility to protect you and ensure that your rights as a Muslimah are respected. Rather than fighting with him, try to calmly discuss the issues - that way you may both make progress in understanding each other's opinions.

    You, and you alone, are responsible for the actions you choose to make, so avoid haraam interactions and trust in Allah's plans for your future.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Hello Midightmoon,

      I have read your response and I just want to add something such as, I my opinion that if she can't convince her parents and she's adult than she can assess to any legal or district court or any Mosque for marriage, what i sees usually people doesn't wait and don't have patients and above all they want the world under their feet so they prefers their own decision to be preferred by all means, "Hook or by Crook"
      If you will encourage them that you are monitored and would be asked on the day of judgement and you would be responsible for whatever you takes the decision, they will never understand you or may be they may use slake words against you or Islam, so what i sees that they should sees the world own their own and let them take the experience, i think through this they may understand that their were a man at the Islamic site who guided me but i deliberately took such a non-sense decision so due to which she may take much better steps to avoid blunders in future.

      I know Allah knows everything, its up to us that we should understand He's their to help us, if we dis-obey then he will guide us.


  2. I have a feeling your parents don't want you guys to get married. What do your parents think about relationship with your man friend?In my opinion your parents may be thinking in 4 years you guys will change your mind.

  3. Salaam Sister,
    Well done for thinking about the severity of this sin. Your parents will be accountable for not getting you married as desired but if zina is committed you will be answerable for your actions as you know that you are doing wrong. I do not have any hadiths or Quranic quotes to support this but am certain that any zina/fornication actions are the responsibility of the perpetrators!

    You both maybe in a position now to get married if the parents are making things difficult. It is best to speak to your local imam and get some advice regarding this matter.

    However sister, please be certain that this is the person you want to marry. If necessary conduct istikarah.

    May Allah forgive us all for our sins and guide us towards the right path.

    Jazak Allah. Ws

  4. Hello,

    I am Sayeed and I have read your letter regarding "Parents would be responsible for not allowing you to get married with someone you love and you can commit sin in future"
    Its quite simple as its my suggestion for you, being a girl at 20s and looks like an educated girl, asking Allah in your prays for helping this annoying situation you are going through, I think you should cut down the communication between you and parents, connivance them as you have faith on Allah and you offer salat on regular basis, what i know Allah suggest his mankind to select the best way for communication if your desire are true and sake of Islam and protect your religion, I am sure 100% Allah help those who help themselves, so be confident and if the boy is also serious than insist him to convenience his parents if he's serious as much as you are toward him, I am sure Inshallah soon you will get your reply according to your desire, but if your parents rejects your proposal than don't get dis-hearted, actually when we are at our teenage or early 20s we doesn't think as our parents and usually parents have wide experience so they have been through such situation, accept what your parents suggest you or select, but do take permission from your elders before anyone miss-guide you.


  5. There is a movie with Denzel Washington, but I forget the name. He plays a father with a very sick child. Like many indigent Americans, he has little or no health insurance, so he cannot afford the treatment his son needs. So the Denzel Washington character holds the hospital hostage until they agree to perform the required treatment on his son.

    THAT is what desperation feels like. The situation you describe is not desperation. So you have a boyfriend, and you are not allowed to be intimate with him, and you are asking fellow muslims if your parents can be held responsible if you make the decision to be intimate with him.

    I think deep down you knew the answer to that question before you posted it.

    Please break up with your boyfriend. Trust me, that will solve your problem of wanting to be intimate with him.


    If they know that their kids are in relationship....................
    I'm not a very religious person, but I do offer my namaz daily,
    Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu'minin (Radhiallaahu Ánha) "Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) said "Allah does not accept the prayer of a woman who has reached puberty unless she wears a veil."Sahih Al-Bukhari Volume 9, Book 89, Hadith # 293
    more in this worlds best book WHEN YR EXPOSURE TO NON MEHRAM YR SALAH STATUS IS THIS

    People often forget the importance of the simple yet powerful dua (supplication) – Istighfar i.e., saying “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to recite this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.

    Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
    Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
    Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
    Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
    Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
    Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
    Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
    Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.
    Astaghfirullah also helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
    Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,

    “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

  7. Read very very carefully,
    1. You pray 5 times a day. You wipe a lot. (you know that already, making a relationship with Allaah Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala).
    2. Every day you meet him. (you know that already, and that makes your relationship with Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala) ________ fill in the blanks. You already know what I wanted to write).
    3. Stop fooling yourself anymore.
    4. What you are missing is maturity of mind. Yes you do. Okay which maturity I am speaking about. It is not the maturity of your body that you have already attained by the Command of Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala), It is the maturity of the religious knowledge that you are missing.
    5. I know you love Allaah a lot. And you are Scared of Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala) a lot. What you are missing right now is the knowledge of the religion.
    6. Why I am saying that because you have been in relationship from that person as you told us since 2 years. And you are developing sexual feelings for him. That is of course natural. Because it is you who started the relationship not your parents.
    7. If you blame your parents at this point then you are really naive.
    8. Stop being ignorant of the fact that you are a female. And your parents care for you a lot. What they want is your maturity of mind. And they know that because they and you of course know in your society physical relationship is like a piece of cake and is common,
    9. Say Thanks to Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala) that you have such understandable parents.
    10. Stop going to the path which you will regret later just not because you are feeling sexually aroused but because you are not acquiring the situation in which you are currently into.
    11. First try to read out the text of Qur'an and Sunnah a lot regarding the relationship between a male and a female.
    12. Second seek an Islamic female guide about Nikkah.
    13. Judge your self that will it be worth BIG OKAY if you go for this Nikkah then only when you think you are mentally matured.
    14. Keep in mind the path you have chosen is not the path of the true believers of Islam.

    Hope it answers your questions insha'Allaah.

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  8. I think it is LUST your are feeling and not love. If you were to marry, and the lust wears off and you get older. Then what? I think that you should wait, like your parents suggest because your decision will be governed only by your sexual desire and not by logical reasoning.

    I do not mean to judge, but if you've already done something, break it off immediately and pray for forgiveness! A Muslim man who fears Allah and cares about you would not put you in this situation. I've been there and we all make mistakes, but if you break it off and he leaves forever then it is better for you. SubhanAllah.

    be strong. assalamu alaikum, sister.

  9. sex is really a minor part of life but it looks very big when you don't have it. possibly because you are young and in regular touch with each other.secondly i congratulate you for your efforts.please continue.lastly if nothing else make your parents angry by getting married rather than doing zina and making Allah angry.

  10. Assalamu aleikum sister
    Reading ur words i felt related
    Im going through exactly the same situation . I have someone in my life who wants to marry me. We decided that its been 8 months he met with my mother and his parents already know but they do not want to react untill we graduate ( 2 or 3 years from now ) we try to avoid being alone but many times we fail we try to not hang out by ourselves eventhough we crossed the limits we got so close to each other and we developed sexual desires for each other
    Today i feel so weak when im alone with him so does he...but i keep rememberin Allah i try to wake up for fajr pray nd read Quraan a lot seek spiritial backup from a friend . Believe sister that you are strong and that no matter how much you love him God in ur heart IS the first .. we are weak thats why we disobey but Allah swt knows that so he opened his door of forgiveness
    Always call on him his is the teacher .. he s testin ur patience.. he wants to get u to a higher level to make u climb in the piety scale to get closer to the prophet youssouf as who said :No ! I fear Allah
    Im remindin myself too sister
    Talk to this guy less nd talk to Allah more...try to stop using words of love if u do..nd try to avoid stayin alone with him...because people who ask u to break up clearly dont understand that its not the thing to start with
    May Allah have mercy on our hearts. .. nd yes YOU ARE STRONG

  11. some of the people commenting seem to have lost their minds. Every human has the natural desire for a spouse. This desire is strengthened due to the environment we live in. Stop being hypocrites. Nabi SALLALLAHUALAYHIWASALLAM encouraged youth to marry. If we allow children to go to school, college and university and then expect thei desires not to increase, then we are destroying their DIn. The parents will also be guilty as Nabi SALLALLAHUALAYHIWASALLAM said that every man is responsible for his flock. If the parents are not happy with the guy, let them suggest another guy, but postponing marriage for 4 years for a young girl is like postponing tonights supper for next will not work. by the way scholars are not unanimous as far as a girl attending college.....So its haram plus haram for the parents......!!!!!

    • I was with you until you made the comment about girls attending college. Don't be ridiculous. The tradition of scholarship among women in Islam goes all the way back to Aishah (RA). The Ummah has always had female scholars, scientists and writers.

      Wael Editor

    • So what you are saying is that girls shouldn't attend college because they will meet boys there. Does this mean that boys should also not attend college if they know that girls will be there? Seriously, men and women have to live in this world together by learning to utilize proper Islamic adab and etiquette.

      Would you take your wife/sister/mother to a male doctor because you shouldn't expect any female doctors since you don't believe they should attend college?

      Hazrat Aisha RA was known for reporting 2210 Hadith which obviously were related to all of us through proper interactions between genders. She didn't just report on the life of the Prophet, peace be upon him, but people would consult with her to gain her advice.

      And, for a moment, let's say that we could completely and utterly seperate men and women in every corner of the world, then why would Allah swt instruct us to lower our gaze? Why would we have to do that if there was no interaction between non-Mehram genders--certainly one is not going to lower their gaze with their spouse. Furthermore, if we could seperate genders, as you have suggested, there would be no test but I doubt for a moment that the urge for sexual intimacy for any human would dissappear altogether.

      Let's be reasonable and work in the world that we live in.

      • I completely agree with what your saying sister Saba.

      • Sister Saba ,

        I didn't understand your point .

        Are you encouraging mixed environment OR trying to say because of current mixed system we dont have much option left ?

        As per my knowledge Islam encourages separation of genders to avoid Fitnah .Wherever there is Islamic system in the country they try to have maximum level of seperation .

        I think Encouraging Mixing at maximum places should be discouraged .Only places where it is difficult to have this separation should be allowed .(If power is with islamic rulers)

        You are misinterpreting "Lowering Gaze" hadith . It is asked to lower your gaze when you come across any woman which is a possibility as there are possibilities of interaction at different levels even in strict countries . It is not like you encourage mixing of genders and then try to lower your gaze .

        Your last paragraph doesn't make any sense .

        • Assalaamualaikam

          I think the point is that we live in a world where men and women do come into contact with each other. So, when that happens, we need to exercise appropriate control. There is a long history of men and women managing to interact within appropriate limits, even going back to the time of The Prophet (peace be upon him) - how else do you account for the records of men and women participating in the same debates, women working as nurses and physicians to treat sick and injured warriors during battles, women owning and running businesses, etc?


          • My above point ,I have classified in two types

            1)One, where you can't separate OR say difficult to separate
            2) Second, Where it is possible to separate

            Wherever it is possible i think Islam encourages to separate both genders . Also it will depend on the country and its system .

            -->In Islamic countries you will see maximum possible separation .
            -->In Non Islamic countries you will see maximum possible Mixing .

            As most of us have got used to this mixed environment so probably we are interpreting this point in the way which looks convenient to us but actual message might be different . I see above you are taking War time scenario as an example to justify it but those looks like exceptional scenarios. For example as per Islam You can eat a dead animal in exceptional and unavoidable situation but not in normal circumstances .

        • Assalam alaikum,

          Currently, on this forum, there is gender mixing each and every day--and people do inappropriately mix with genders via internet without ever meeting in person (in case some may say that this isn't the same as in person). When I say that proper Islamic adab and etiquette should be exercised between genders, a great example is what happens on this forum everyday!

          So, at educational institutions and work, we learn to practice this etiquette in the proper way.

          Those who go out of their way to mix inappropriately with the opposite gender will do so, regardless of the country they live in and those who go out of their way to NOT mix inappropriately, will also do so regardless of the country they live in.

          Since this world is comprised of people in different situations, we cannot strictly separate men and women. What about widowed women with only female children? What about single mothers who have to go out and learn and work? They exist in both Muslim and non-Muslim countries. I have plenty of female relatives in this predicament and I am well aware of their struggles. And the response above leaves them feeling they are living a sinful life by going out and getting an education or having to work. And women shouldn't have to wait for a bad situation at home before they go out and get an education--I hope that that is obvious--again, I imagine those who hold the view of not letting their girls attend college, would want a female doctor for their female relatives--isn't that hypocrisy?

          In non-Muslim countries, I don't know what you mean about maximum possible mixing of genders. There are examples of women only gyms and girls only schools--and it has nothing to do with religion. So this isn't true at all.

          And please tell me how 2210 Hadith from Hazrat Ayesha AS were conveyed to us? Did males not consult with her for her advice? So, mixing of genders can happen in an appropriate way. Furthermore: "Umar ibn Khattab(Radi Allahu anhu) was once giving instructions to the public regarding the dowry that a man should be allowed to give to his bride. He specified that it be a small amount to which a woman from the crowd replied that Allah says in the Quran “If you give them a Qintaar (large amount)”, to which Umar(Radi Allahu anhu) realized his mistake. He acknowledged his error and stated that the woman was correct. How fair and humble he was!"~ another example of interactions between genders. Also, "Umar ibn Al-Khattab appointed a woman called Ash-Shifa’ bint `Abdullah Al-`Adawiyah to observe and supervise the market, which position was a kind of general leadership." How could a woman observe and supervise the market without interacting with men?

          Anyways, I don't want to get into a long debate about this--we have to be reasonable and stop forgetting about our own Islamic history where educating women wasn't deemed so "sinful."

          I hope that clarified for you what I wrote earlier, inn shaa Allah.

  12. I don't know what to do. but u have trust Allah.he take a best decision for u and Insha Allah u r in the halal love.

  13. Assalamu Alaikum
    My few words fo u is
    Sister i knw oll dees feelings (love) happens bcz even m gng through same situation
    Control yourself
    Whatever our parents r dng is only fo oua happiness
    Whatever plans dey have fo u is only fo ua betterment
    Nobody in dis world can luv u more dan ua parent
    Keep ua trust on Allah
    Recite Quran
    Pray thahajjud sister
    Our first luv should be only Allah
    Allah he is the bestest sista
    Insha Allah I wl pray dat u may go through a peace full life

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