Islamic marriage advice and family advice

“If you marry him, we will never talk to you again”

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Assalam o Alaikum,

I would like to get some help regarding a matter which has taken over my life. There is no masjid or imam nearby or muslim community member who I can turn to at this time but I really need some advice.

I have been involved with someone for almost 15 years and am having problems getting my family on board for my marriage to him. They know about him since the first year and they told me to just wait they will look into it and that I must continue my studies. I used that time as an excuse to say that they shoudn't look for anyone else for me and simply tried to get them to agree to what I wanted. Months became years and the matter continued.

They decided he was not worthy enough for me because of his caste, his education and then decided to falsely accuse his family of wrongdoing and criminal behaviour. They insisted that it isn't proper in our culture for a girl to speak up in front of her family and say who she wants to marry. That a girl doesn't say no or even yes and just keeps quiet and lets her family decide what is best for her. Sometimes saying that they would agree to anyone but him. Other times saying that caste is not a problem but then also saying that if we marry you into that family our relatives back home would never talk to us and we would be shunned by them forever- so clearly, caste IS a problem. They have no solid evidence against the family either which is why they have used false claims to back their statements and at the same time they tell me that my father is not lying.

There is no logic to what they say which makes it harder to accept and give up. They are my parents and want what is best for me but this is not the way to handle this situation. I have prayed and prayed and tried to turn my life around, become closer to Allah, pray my daily prayers, learn the hadith and Quran and everything to help me in my struggle. To find ways to help me find a solution where both parties are happy. For a time they did not even talk to me but I wrote to them and explained as best as I could how I should be given this chance, how I have a right to say who I will marry and gave examples from all of my readings and quotes and saying from hadith.

All they want is for me to give up.. giving examples of other muslim girls all around me.. that they have followed their families and went to their homes according to their parents decisions and not disgraced them as I have. I wish I could tell them the truth about those girls - that the only difference between them and me is that their families supported their decisions and did not attempt to silence them like this.. but tried to help them.

After a lot of patience on my part where I tried again and again to explain myself, a time came where they became very angry with me and said that I am their slave and living in their house under their roof and must do as they say. Much to my regret, I'm sad to say I handled that situation poorly and became very upset and hysterical at this. Then they gave me an ultimatum that either you do what we say or we accept your decision and will marry you to him but that will mean that our doors are closed to you forever. There will be no contact after that and no coming back to us if anything goes wrong. It is all on you and your responsibility.

No matter what has happened I know I let them down a lot. But they kept delaying and the situation became worse and worse. All I wanted was for them to treat this issue fairly and PROPERLY investigate and see past the differences and realize that this can be a possibility. But they are insisting that the ONLY way I can get what I want is by breaking ties with them. They will give in to what I ask but they will have nothing to do with me after that. Either that or I agree to what they are saying and choose from any of the men they have found to be suitable for me. 

I don't know what to do now. I know they shouldn't be threatening me like this and it is not how I want to go. I don't want to cut ties with them. I also don't want to ruin someone else's life and agree to what they are saying and ruin the life of the person they want me to marry by not being mentally ok with all of this.

I wish I could include more details and be more clear but this is the current situation and I need help.

muslimah9

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alaikum sister,

    I actually don't have a solution to your problem .the thing i wanna highlight is that i am going through the same circumstances and I know how you feel.Anyways keep holding on and pray to Allah.Those who trust Allah never have sad endings. DON"T GIVE UP! if your parents are not convinced then maybe you should agree to their terms and get married with their choice thats something what ill do .Atleast Allah and my parents would be happy then.As for me ill get my reward in Jannah Ameen. I just want you to know Im here and Ill keep praying for your good. May Allah bless you with what is best for you Ameen. pray for me too I need every prayer .Jazak Allahu khair

  2. You should decide based on which guy you think is the best in terms of creating your own family first, and then worry about pleasing them next. It may be that they initially cut contact with you and then regain it after you have a baby. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

  3. I am guessing that you are either Indian or Pakistani. Your family is blackmailing you. Think about how dysfunctional and backward this is - you wish to marry someone and they are telling their grown adult daughter that they will disown her if that happens.

    You have a choice. You can agree to their conditions, marry the guy, and hope that your parents come around once you have babies. Or, you can give in to their blackmail, keep your mouth shut, and let them determine who and when to marry, and live with the consequences. Thirty years from now, when your parents are no longer here, you can then ask yourself if you made the right choice.

    It is such a harsh, harsh ultimatum that they have placed on you that I wonder if your parents truly love you and care about your happiness. This is not even an Islamic issue - nothing in Islam permits parents of adult children to impose such harsh conditions. As muslims they have to learn to be less "tribal".

    A muslim daughter's obligation is to be respectful and kind to her parents, and to take care of them and help them as they get older. You do not have an obligation to thrown your life away for them. If this man is a good person, then marry him.

  4. May Allah Guide you and your parents in making the right decision. Sounds very tough. I think it has to be a mutual agreement between yourself and your parents. You should definitely do salatul istikhara. At least you know it's Guidance from Allah.

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